Expectations

 Rick and I were talking before he went to bed and he said I was better than expected but he wasn't sure of what he expected so then he avoided my conversation by turning the tables so I wrote him this email.

Rick says:

 What Did you expect from me

What did I expect from you? From the moment 'go' I was on cloud 9 begging to be pulled down back into reality. I didn't want to walk blinded. I didn't want to jump head first into something. Coming out of something so quickly. I didn't want to be hurt. Unfortunately I was down on guys and I had my opportunities with many guys other than you. I didn't want those opportunities though. I wanted my love story as I said in my blog the other day. I wouldn't settle for anything less. I don't deserve less and my kids don't deserve less. I took a chance with him and he blew that shit straight out of the water. So if it wasn't apparently from the beginning then I wasn't going to jump in the water if it didn't appear hot as hell. I know when it comes to being on Cloud 9 the water can be a little foggy and hard to judge hence why I was asking to be pulled down to view the outlook a little more clearer. So sitting in my townhouse. Giddy and Giggling to my "best friends" about this guy like I was a girl with a teenage crush. I found myself a girl with a teenage crush with the appetite and a big heart enough to fall in love.  However Bella having the experience that I have. As Chris used to describe me as being male trapped into a female's body.. Hehe. I am cynical. I have my doubts which turn into fear which turns into ugly. I pretty much know what a typical man wants, a man expects. Low and behold your not that typical guy. You know I knew Doug and Chris for a long time and yet they still gave me that weary vibe that I needed to not fall for them or even come close. If you could only understand what I mean. As for you Soldiers do have a reputation at least from what I know. I did have an online boyfriend that was a Marine. Then there was that first phone call between us. Yes that more than average phone call. I wouldn't brag about to my friends lmao. Typical male. Kristin kept me grounded in a way while still telling me there was no rescue boat leaving cloud 9. She felt kismet. She knew it was right. But she reminded me of the big PLAN. THe BIG MISSION! So as long as I kept reminding myself of our meeting in Adairsville. Then there wouldn't be a disappointment. Devoted to the mission. Plus there was the whole I won't marry a soldier and live the Army Life. I won't live in Alabama thing that I had tied to my head since a young child. You have no idea. Haha. Stick to the mission Bella. Just stick to your mission

What did I expect out of our first "date". I was falling in love with you already Rick. I was head over heels before we met. There was just the chemistry in person thing missing. There was the missing pieces of our kids. Everything else was in place. However there wasn't much of an expectation because we had talked about what was going to happen. Just seeing how we would connect. Seeing how your such a big fat liar that you didn't look anything like your picture and you were a Serial Killer instead of a Soldier. What's a couple of letters difference? LOL.

What did I expect from you as a person? I expected you to be yourself whether we would have chemistry or not. I expected you to come as you are. I am lucky how you were gift wrapped. I wanted you to come as you are. I wanted you to be honest with me. I wanted you to be open to me. Open minded and as well as not have too many walls up. Less drama than me would have been nice and to top it off with cherries and sprinkles you could like me for who I am and neither of us could want each other to change.

What did I expect from you as a husband? Walking down the aisle. I wanted you to be sure as rain and as predictable too! Haha. I wanted you to be as sure as I was. No doubts. No doubts at all. I promised myself that after the last one was such a mistake even in the beginning something told me and I knew that getting married to Adam was wrong. The only way it was right was teaching me how to be married to the one who was right.

What do I expect from you now as my husband? To work real hard together. The work isn't near as hard as when we work together. We need to compromise. We need to listen, be understanding, communication. Being a good husband means being a good friend and a good father. A Good husband is a good provider. A Good husband not only provides when and if he can but he provides just as much emotionally and physically.

Sometime ago I made this blog http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-yvgtPckodLO69P8vvbcPvxmxj3xu_XUTk6Su?p=303 I thought I would republish once I read my comments. Now hmm :) I don't think you need an instruction manual yet.

Army Get a Clue

What part of Army Life doesn't the Army understand? First of all they should recognize and deal with the fact that 99% of us are away from Family and Close trusted friends. We got through friends that live near us like underwear. Ok bad example. So when our husband's are working either on the home front or deployed we don't have "Automatic" babysitters lined up.

I was interested in this Parenting Class on How to help your child succeed in school. It came quite a convient time because of Skylar starting Kindergarten. So I emailed the ACS lady and asked her if there would be childcare provided. She said she didn't know she would pass on my message but she pointed out my daughter was well behaved enough to sit in or sit in the lobby and watch cartoons. Well first of all I beamed with pride. The second I started to calculate timing. Ballet ends as the class begins and I have to drive to another location. I am supposed to bring my own lunch. So even if I could drop Skylar off at the CDC (she hates it) How am I supposed to accomplish this? Its a PARENTING class and there wasn't onsite childcare provided. HMM.

Secondly is it just me or some older generation people just short with kids? They have a low tolerance? Because Skylar was really good and the ACS lady was just getting an attitude in my opinion. She told me she would pay for Skylar to go to the CDC tomorrow if I wanted to take the next class. As I was leaving she approached me and I said you know what no thanks my husband is deployed and I have respite hours I don't use because Skylar hates the CDC. What do you want from a five year old. She colored, drank water, and ate cookies for an hour. Didn't speak unless it was a whisper only got up to go pee and we sat in the back. I doubt anyone was distracted by my little girl.

No Air

As you can see this is one of my most recent favorite songs. I have found my layout and page by one of my favorite Layout Artists :) This song fit perfectly for how I have been feeling dealing with this deployment.

The quote for us Army Wife's is the toughest job in the Army. I don't think its the toughest. I know what the soldiers go through when they were deployed. A lot of times they go through deployment without any kind of support. Even in our situation here I am and I have my kids to kiss and hug when I need it. Granted I don't hug or kiss James but he gives his emotional support in his own ways. Skylar keeps me plenty busy as well. So if you listen to the lyrics of the song the female artist is Jordin Sparks and the male artist is Chris Brown and I can imagine Rick feels a lot of the same emotions but in a different way.

On opposite sides of the world we are feeling the same emotions and just wanting to be with each other.

On the home front I am feeling like I am living each day with no air. I struggle to go to sleep and I struggle to begin my new day. Each day I begin I miss his presence. I miss waking up next to him there is something special about waking up to the person you long for, you love, your devoted to each day. That should never be taken for granted. How many of you can honestly say you know what it feels like to crave the touch of your soul mate. Some of you are single and I know you would love to be touched and loved. But when my husband shows me affection simply by placing his hand on the small of my back as I work or wipes away my tears. While he is deployed it leaves such a deep emptiness. Lets not forget we have to stay strong for our men over seas. I take this to a different level than I have noticed from others. I have to be strong for my kids. If Skylar see's me cry she gets very upset. Even James, James who is sensitive doesn't like "reality" He doesn't' like being faced with it and I shouldn't burden him with my reality. Everyday I have my burdens, my stress, my realities, my fears and I live with them alone. At least I can talk to my friends understanding or not they come out. What do the soldiers get? I know my husband is very unsocialable and doesn't have a good support system with him. How does he feel? Does he feel like there is a piece of him missing? Does he feel like most days its just hard to breathe?

While Rick is deployed James will start college, Alex has left for his own adventure into life joining the Army and going to Korea. Skylar has lost teeth and will beginning Kindergarten. All of these milestones are important in a child's life. I have missed some milestones in Mackenzie's life I will never get back and that has left me with a memory I will never forget. To not take life for granted and cherish each little second of it. That second may change your life. I get to play the role of both parents in a way. I had to stand by Alex as he waited for his cab to take him to the airport. I have to help James with all his paperwork for college. I have been there for everyone of Skylar's scrapes and cuts. I will be there on her first day of school. Her Ballet recital is coming up and I will be there alone. I will be working hard to make it her day but wished that Rick could be there to see her big day. So I can complain this deployment sucks but it sucks for him as well in so many ways. I have watched a soldier miss the birth of his daughter and soldiers every day miss the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Who am I to complain? I have my friends and family to surround me in good times and in bad. Who do they have out there? Who do they have to give them support when they had a bad day. When they are hot or sick? Soldiers don't get that. Soldiers struggle too. They struggle with the change in their life. Watching countries they are trying to help just can effect them on a deeper level than we can understand. All we can do is sympathize and listen. Remember even if they did have someone to talk to they can't about so many things.

Although us wives feel like there are days when we are stuck with the hardest job in the Army just think how long could you go without kissing and hugging your children? How long could you go without sleep and clean water? How would you make it closed off from most of the world? We both live with "No Air"

No Air

As you can see this is one of my most recent favorite songs. I have found my layout and page by one of my favorite Layout Artists :) This song fit perfectly for how I have been feeling dealing with this deployment.

The quote for us Army Wife's is the toughest job in the Army. I don't think its the toughest. I know what the soldiers go through when they were deployed. A lot of times they go through deployment without any kind of support. Even in our situation here I am and I have my kids to kiss and hug when I need it. Granted I don't hug or kiss James but he gives his emotional support in his own ways. Skylar keeps me plenty busy as well. So if you listen to the lyrics of the song the female artist is Jordin Sparks and the male artist is Chris Brown and I can imagine Rick feels a lot of the same emotions but in a different way.

On opposite sides of the world we are feeling the same emotions and just wanting to be with each other.

On the home front I am feeling like I am living each day with no air. I struggle to go to sleep and I struggle to begin my new day. Each day I begin I miss his presence. I miss waking up next to him there is something special about waking up to the person you long for, you love, your devoted to each day. That should never be taken for granted. How many of you can honestly say you know what it feels like to crave the touch of your soul mate. Some of you are single and I know you would love to be touched and loved. But when my husband shows me affection simply by placing his hand on the small of my back as I work or wipes away my tears. While he is deployed it leaves such a deep emptiness. Lets not forget we have to stay strong for our men over seas. I take this to a different level than I have noticed from others. I have to be strong for my kids. If Skylar see's me cry she gets very upset. Even James, James who is sensitive doesn't like "reality" He doesn't' like being faced with it and I shouldn't burden him with my reality. Everyday I have my burdens, my stress, my realities, my fears and I live with them alone. At least I can talk to my friends understanding or not they come out. What do the soldiers get? I know my husband is very unsocialable and doesn't have a good support system with him. How does he feel? Does he feel like there is a piece of him missing? Does he feel like most days its just hard to breathe?

While Rick is deployed James will start college, Alex has left for his own adventure into life joining the Army and going to Korea. Skylar has lost teeth and will beginning Kindergarten. All of these milestones are important in a child's life. I have missed some milestones in Mackenzie's life I will never get back and that has left me with a memory I will never forget. To not take life for granted and cherish each little second of it. That second may change your life. I get to play the role of both parents in a way. I had to stand by Alex as he waited for his cab to take him to the airport. I have to help James with all his paperwork for college. I have been there for everyone of Skylar's scrapes and cuts. I will be there on her first day of school. Her Ballet recital is coming up and I will be there alone. I will be working hard to make it her day but wished that Rick could be there to see her big day. So I can complain this deployment sucks but it sucks for him as well in so many ways. I have watched a soldier miss the birth of his daughter and soldiers every day miss the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Who am I to complain? I have my friends and family to surround me in good times and in bad. Who do they have out there? Who do they have to give them support when they had a bad day. When they are hot or sick? Soldiers don't get that. Soldiers struggle too. They struggle with the change in their life. Watching countries they are trying to help just can effect them on a deeper level than we can understand. All we can do is sympathize and listen. Remember even if they did have someone to talk to they can't about so many things.

Although us wives feel like there are days when we are stuck with the hardest job in the Army just think how long could you go without kissing and hugging your children? How long could you go without sleep and clean water? How would you make it closed off from most of the world? We both live with "No Air"

CHD Awareness/ Posting for a Fellow Military Wife

I don't post much and I don't want this to seem like an advertisement
to "sell" products. Please indulge me if you can and read.

My husband typed this up for people us to pass around..

As some of you know, or don't know, our daughter, Emily, was born
with a Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) that has required several
evasive surgeries and procedures in her short life of two years. As
a result, Angie and I have become involved with an organization
called the Children's Heart Foundation (CHF).

This organization is based out of the Chicago, IL area, with a newly
formed Ohio chapter in Columbus. The purpose of this group is to
raise CHD awareness and fund research aimed at preventing CHDs, as
well as increase the life expectancy of CHD sufferers.


Angie has worked very hard over the last six months to put together a
CHF Awareness Day with the Columbus Crew. This event is scheduled to
take place 23 Aug 08 at the Crew's home game against Real Salt Lake.
The cost of the tickets is $15 each, and CHF gets $3 for every ticket
that we are able to sell.

To order tickets, you can use the link provided. This takes you to
the Crew website. You may also print out the flyer and send it to
Chris Wilson with Crew customer service. 614-447-CREW

This is very important to us. Even if you are not a soccer/football
fan, please consider buying a ticket. If you cannot, or do not, want
to attend, you can have the tickets sent to us and we will use them
to make sure that every "Heart Kid" that wants to go can, regardless
of whether their family can afford it or not.

We would also like to take some to the cardiac units at Cincinnati
and Columbus Children's Hospitals the week of the game to allow
stressed out parents, grandparents, and siblings a chance to get out
of the hospital for a while and enjoy a great event. Having been
there, Angie and I know how important that can be.

Our address is 105 S Highview Rd Middletown, OH 45044.


Please forward this to any friends, family, coworkers, church
members, business owners, sports fans, basically anyone that you
think might be interested, and ask them to do the same. The more
tickets we are able to sell, the bigger the presence we will be
allowed to have at the game. Also, once you arrive, look for our
tent/table on the plaza and come meet some of the kids and show your
support.


As always, please contact me if you have any questions or would like
more information on the game or the organization.
V/R
g

Thanks! Angela Wrather


Ticket Link:

http://columbus.crew.mlsnet.com/t102/tickets/2008/chf/


Organization link:

http://www.childrensheartfoundation.org/




Thanks from Angela, Greg, Jake and Emily

American Idol

What's up fellow Americans? I can't blame you for not voting for Michael Johns because I don't call either. But the ones that are big voters what did he do wrong? Another great performer goes down the tubes! The biggest shocker I remember was Constantine. Yes I am biased. I love Constantine and I can see why he would rub people wrong because he's cocky and confident but looking at his performances he rocked! He had a good stage presence. I love everyone that has won American Idol but I do think Constantine can very well be an idol in the making. Chris Daughtry also is brilliant but just didn't have the same stage presence I think showed true talent. Chris was another shocking elimination. So what do you think? I guess American Idol is entertainment value.

On another note about American Idol. I watched the "Idol Gives Back Night" and I think one of my dreams is to use my talent of networking and re sourcing and help those in need. I got to thinking when they showed the mobile medical unit in the projects, that I would love to help those who can't find help. I think that's one of the best things I took away from Calhoun. I volunteered for Tallatoona and Tallatoona (http://www.tallatoonacap.org/) was in charge of helping the elderly and needy pay for medication and help with bills when they needed it. I remember one man that lived on a portable trailer on his mother's property and his Epilepsy was so bad. Tallatoona couldn't find help for this man because they would have had to put his income as his parents income. His parents made too much money to qualify. So what was to become of this man? Possibly die from his illness? What would happen to others in a similar situation? I had to reach out to him since I had Epilepsy till 21 and my first husband had died from his. I had to help. I told the lady that worked there and was in charge that he could get help from the Epilepsy Foundation. I gave him the number so he could get help even possibly get on social security. I felt good about my good deed even when the organization I volunteered for turned him down. What better in the world could I make than help people find organizations, churches, and resources to help them when they really need help. I am sure any effort on my part is appreciated.

my day

Today we had Ballet. They took pictures in their costume I will upload them in a minute and resize them for Myspace. So that was crazy and hectic I was unprepared and already stressed before lol. After that I went ahead and headed over to the Child Wise building to meet up with Jess and Mir for the remainder of playgroup and after Playgroup is the Waiting Spouses meeting. The Waiting Spouses meeting went on a little longer than usual. I came home I got to talk to Rick for just a little bit because it was right at bedtime. We were supposed to go to the Botanical Gardens but didn't get to go. I had to go to the bank and deposit a check then since Skylar was so disappointed about going to the Garden I promised her I would take her to the park. I was worried no one would be there. But Talitha and her children were there along with another lady that I met at Playgroup. They left and as they left Pegan and her children showed up. So Skylar got a good bit of playtime in and it was great being able to hang out with the wives.

So many around me seem to put down some of the lifestyle. Not so much being an Army wife but their surroundings. I am the simple girl next door that appreciates her full tank of gas that her husband (and the Army) provide. The fact that I know so many of my neighbors and get to not just know their names but I can also break bread with them and fellowship with them. The nice weather and the spectacular mountain views around me. The fact that I can go to the store and not worry about having two quarters more for a loaf of bread. Skylar gets ballet and loves it. I appreciate what is given to me. Sure he may be underpaid, he may be gone for a length of time. As long as he comes home safe to me its all worth it!

Rick and I are really excited about letting our family grow here in Huntsville. Its a beautiful place.

A Letter To Rick

I sent this letter to Rick in a Snoopy Card. It has yet to get there. I am getting anxious. Snoopy may have let the Red Baron sneak out and is exploring the world carrying my letter with him.

To my dearest Rick,

We spoke for a few hours just now. You went to bed a little late tonight due to trying to find that document; Even though you had to work I hardly noticed you were distracted. We had a really great conversation. You said "you know its hard to realize some times that I have you so fully in my life and that you fit me so well" What truer words spoken. Maybe we didn't have this when we got married but the more we are together even if separated by miles. The more I fall deeper under your spell, the walls of security are down. Love is... Giving someone the ability to break your heart but trusting them not to. Another wise quote. Its so me.

9 months ago I was so scared. I never thought I could do this. I was going to try and succeed. But you would tell me to be strong. For many years I have been told how strong I was but never saw the strength within myself in many ways. In many ways yes I think I am strong, I think I have a strong will power, I have a strong sense of self, and I know what I want without doubt. When you looked me in the eye and told me to be strong for you, I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to disappoint you. Over the past nine months I have learned what you meant. I have learned what I need to do. I never knew I could be the rock 100% of the time. I have never been in the shape to do so. Uniquely I have found that yes here at home I have to be the rock for Gentle James, and Skylar. One no more than the other. However I feel like with us its different. I don't Always have to be the rock now, as I thought. We give each other support as needed. I am your sunshine in your cloudy day as you are mine always.

I've been caught under your spell. You take me in deeper. Every breath of mine you steal, Every heart beat you occupy, with every haunting vision where I can almost feel you touch me, You hold me in your hands and I feel like I am safe. You calm my fears, my anxiety, my world slows down for the few minutes or hours. Just by your smile, just by your words. I am transported to a better world. Cloud 9 S.? As you consume me how can I not be yours? How can we not be soul mates with this depth of power you have over me. How can I not be moved and fall deeper in love with you? How could it get any better than this? Yet each day it does I fall deeper in love and you consume another piece of me.

I find strength in our love, our faith, and in us. That's what keeps me waiting. That's what keeps me going. Daily. All of this brings hope into my life, hope that had been lost and some what found. Now its not just found but deep inside me. With hope I can keep trusting. We know of each other's darknesses. Darkness in our souls. Darkness in which we were lost and both of us took many actions that are similar. One's we have learned from and know are faults. "Bring me to life" is a song

You love as well as I do. But there is so much sunshine on us now. So much light! We can see a future. Not a future of nothingness. A real future of hope.

You may be the attention whore but I need affection as well. I need to know I am wanted not just a wall decoration or a house keeper (lack there of in my case), A babysitter, a "warm body".... Ick! How am I supposed to cope when you give me everything and then take it away? *sigh* I don't like how that came out. The point I am trying to get across is that my body is so hungry just to hold your hand, kiss you, smell you, rub your head as you fall asleep in my arms, to hear you say I love you. You can't take away my everything when you ARE my everything. I love you baby.

439 days since you became mine

No Air for 251 days or 9 Months

Days left with no Air 194 days

12 paychecks!

I saw God Today

Today started out as a bad day. I woke up drained and a little blue. I felt like a rock climber just trying to get a good grip. I am hanging on standing strong but I wanted that GOOD grip. If it was any other day I wouldn’t have gone to Story Time as scheduled today because I had the blues. I knew I had to be there though because my friend Christa is visiting from Georgia. She was supposed to be at the Library. She is staying with my friend Pegan. So we had a few minutes at Storytime and then I went over to Pegan’s for lunch to talk and let the kids play. Pegan’s got two (her oldest was at school), Christa has her two, and then I have my one. I came home just to change Skylar because Pegan didn’t want me to go home yet. I told her I needed some time with James and get to do some spring cleaning. She wanted me to come to the PX, to Dinner then to Shawn’s T-Ball Practice. So I went. First I came home to change Skylar into jeans out of her skirt. On the way home I heard a country song on the way home about a new daddy. "Peeking through the nursery window she’s sleeping like a rock. She’s laying there with my name around her wrist." Something about his miracle baby girl. The song made me think of my husband and how I can’t wait to enjoy the thrill of sharing that new love with him. I know we’ve both experienced that joy before but now I can share it with him. Those beautiful first moments with something so special. He can have an added gift that this is something he wants so much and that he didn’t think you would or could ever again. Truly a Miracle baby. I didn’t think I would ever get the chance again either. I was going to come home and put James to work we are going to do spring cleaning in the kitchen and the next project is to tackle the entire back yard and test out the lawn mower. The grass still hasn’t grown quite yet but the backyard needs to be cleaned and the sandbox taken care of. But Pegan and Christa wouldn’t hear of it so I will be joined them for the rest of the evening I missed Rick today. His internet wasn’t working. I am feeling better. Thanks for loving me so much baby. I hope you slept well. You need your beauty sleep to continue rocking my world lover.

  I just walked down the street to the coffee shop had to take a break I’d been by her side for eighteen hours straight I saw a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk pushing up through the concrete like it was planted right there for me to see the flashin’ lights, the honkin’ horns all seemed to fade away in the shadow of that hospital at 5:08 I saw God today Chorus: I’ve been to church I’ve read the bookI know He’s here, but I don’t look near as often as I should Yeah, I know I should His fingerprints are everywhere I’d just slow down to stop and stare opened my eyes and man I swear I saw God today I saw a couple walking by they were holding hands Man, she had that glow yeah I couldn’t help but notice she was starting to show it stood there for a minute takin’ the sky lost in that sunset a splash of amber melted in the shades of red Chorus I got my face pressed up against the nursery glass She’s sleeping like a rock My name on her wrist wearing tiny pink socks She’s got my nose, she’s got her mama’s eyes My brand new baby girl She’s a miracle I saw God today I just walked down the street to the coffee shop had to take a break I’d been by her side for eighteen hours straight I saw a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk pushing up through the concrete like it was planted right there for me to see the flashin’ lights, the honkin’ horns all seemed to fade away in the shadow of that hospital at 5:08 I saw God today Chorus: I’ve been to church I’ve read the book I know He’s here, but I don’t look near as often as I should Yeah, I know I should His fingerprints are everywhereI’d just slow down to stop and stare opened my eyes and man I swear I saw God today I saw a couple walking by they were holding handsMan, she had that glowyeah I couldn’t help but notice she was starting to showit stood there for a minute takin’ the sky lost in that sunset a splash of amber melted in the shades of red Chorus I got my face pressed up against the nursery glass She’s sleeping like a rock My name on her wrist wearing tiny pink socks She’s got my nose, she’s got her mama’s eyes My brand new baby girl She’s a miracle I saw God today<br>


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BotLagLNwPs&feature=related