Grief and mood tracker

July 27, 2025

Mood (1 = Terrible, 5 = Peaceful/Content): 4

Grief (1 = Overwhelming, 5 = Calm): 4

I worked today. It was a quiet day overall.

I’m not feeling well. Last night I used ChatGPT to spell check and make my journal concise and it responded with a letter from Brandon’s point of you. It was so close to his cadence and his quirky sayings- just CHILLS man!

It’ would be Adam’s 51st birthday. 

How do I make an imprint on the world?

A homeless couple came in looking for help. He said he was a vet with a pacemaker and the heat was very high today. So I told them they could take their dog and sit in an alcove area of the building to charge their phone and cool down. I printed off resources to find help. Sadly it’s hard being homeless with a pet. I know what it’s like to be in their situation. I’ve been homeless, I’ve couch surfed. I know it all to well.. with a baby. I hope I showed them compassion and kindness. My mom asked us in her will to donate to homeless pets so I try to do that. I asked them if Princess Boots needed anything to eat or did they want they leftover pizza. I hope they get the help they need soon.

Dear Jack,

Dear "Jack",

15 years ago I was getting ready to marry you, yet I didn't know my own identity yet. 12 years ago I was a lost girl. 12 years ago today I didn't know it yet but my whole world flipped upside and would send me into a tail spin. 12 years ago you passed away in the middle of the night from what they said was a seizure. You never really had your Epilepsy treated or took your medication as directed. Your friends said my actions were the cause of the stress on you which lead to the seizures even though you had them since you were 16 when you drove your bicycle into an oncoming car. 12 years ago you left a scared 3 year old boy alone. When I received the subpoena that you had died and that your mother would take Mackenzie from me. I felt the world had really beaten me down and I had no one to help me up, dust me off, or push me forward. I had one personal had Skylar. She was so little she couldn't even talk or give me a kiss. She was just a few months old. In the years that followed I knew I couldn't let the children down. I couldn't let the world keep me down. I couldn't let it keep beating on me. I had to stand up and be tall. I eventually rose from the ashes and became the strong person I am today. 

One one of our first dances we danced to My Heart Will Go On. We saw Titanic at least 12 times in the theater and danced in the aisles of the theater because we were virtually alone or at least it just felt like it to a naive 18 year old girl.  When we got married I told my mother I wanted the song played during the beginning of the wedding or at LEAST compromise and be our first dance. She said it was morbid. My friend Megan sang From This Moment On by Shania Twain while I walked down the aisle and our first dance as a married couple was My Heart Will Go On. Ironic isn't it? That was probably one of our last dances as well. 

I hope I can remember enough of the memories we made and enough of the memories of you to share with Mackenzie and Skylar as they grow older and ask questions about you. Eventually I hope to be reunited with Mackenzie and I will give him the art work you left me and memories that are only stored in my head, my heart, my soul. I need to do a better job of journaling them for the kids. Not here it feels to private to share here on this blog. I am surprised I am being compelled to blog this now but in a private journal just meant for them.

Two very special people in your family followed you to Heaven. I read about your dad passing away 9 years almost to the day you did. You know he meant the world to me even if he hurt me in the end. I am sure your Maw-maw also found peace. I hope they are watching over and protecting Mackenzie for me. 

Love,

"Rose"

Where are you Christmas?

I grew up a ward of the state but the Christmas' I remember were like this Norman Rockwell painting. I would get to see my biological family and spend some of Christmas with them and whatever quarrels would be a truced.. Strangers came to dinner and all were welcome. Many happy memories of Christmas and the traditions.. 

When I married Adam Christmas drastically changed... My guardian told me she didn't really want me there because I was embarrassing to her new son in law who was a California Senator. Then the next Christmas it was her grand daughter Abby had a rash she was afraid was Chicken Pox and didn't want Mackenzie to get it. Even though no males in Adam's family has ever had the Chicken Pox and Mackenzie was still vaccinated. So I was uninvited then there was the drama we had to go to Adam's grand parents house.. really my first holidays away from family (guardian and biological) and my grandfather had passed away. My sisters nor I wouldn't be able to be close to my biological mom on Christmas. The first Christmas away from family was a disaster it was traumatic. 

I quickly learned that not everyone has peaceful Christmas' even when a newborn is there. I learned that Norman Rockwell holiday is just a fantasy ... just a painting. It was hard. It IS hard.

Then Adam took Mackenzie... So my first year without Mackenzie I woke up in a cold sweat screaming. I had a nightmare that Mackenzie woke up and was looking under the tree saying he wanted mommy but I wasn't there. I wasn't under the tree. 

The second Christmas without Mackenzie I called Adam to see if I could give Mackenzie presents. I actually didn't know how to reach Adam I took a chance he would be with HIS family. His mother came on the phone and they both told me what a horrible mother I was and how I abandoned Mackenzie (not true). To mail the gifts... little did I know a month later Adam would be dead. So that was the last conversation I had with my husband and there was words of hate exchanged. Something I have to live with. 

I still really believed in Christmas... I wanted to give Skylar beautiful and magical Christmas' so I worked hard. Even when money was tight I did things beautiful for her. My oldest sister would have wonderful dinner parties for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that was a blessing until the stress and drama just got to me. I had to limit the amount of people I am around ON Christmas. My boyfriend would just wanna play games and not spend time with Skylar and I so I said fine its just me and her.. From that moment on I said I am not going to be stressed on Christmas, I am going to limit myself socially (which is rare), and I am going to make it magical for Skylar (now for William too). 

Since I have married Rick, Huntsville has so many events especially when we were active duty.. Nutcracker Ballet, Galaxy of Lights, Santa's Village.. this that and the other.. It was stressful just trying to see it all. It was stressful setting aside the money for it all.  I don't stress about money because I don't want to give it that type of power.. As long as my kids are provided for and the utility and main bills are paid then I will survive. More and more when I reach my emotional limit I call a time out and I stop. I no longer get upset if we miss something. Its disappointing sure but its not what Christmas is supposed to be about. As the kids get older its hard to find them dress clothes for Christmas and afford them. This year Skylar chose a pair of pajamas we found at the Salvation Army and I was just simply supposed to find the matching pair for William which was on disneystore.com but I waited to long. I am very disappointed that my kids now won't have matching pajamas or church clothes but its not the end of the world... If its not super important to them then it shouldn't be for me. I will have to find some alternative. I have had to put Christmas in perspective not just the commercialism but also what I can emotionally handle.

Reality

The reality is never say never... I try to share my experiences. I try to share my story and what I've learned in hopes that someone else won't end up like I did. About 10 years ago I got a subpoena telling me that my then husband was dead and his mother wanted to take my son from me. I don't think many women in an abusive relationship marry knowing the man is abusive. I don't think many women who's husband cheat and leave them marry knowing there husband is going to cheat and leave them. Just like people with AIDS say I always said it would never happen to me and it did. I never thought I would run away from my abusive husband to save my daughter and he would die. I didn't think divorce was in my future but death beat him to it. I lost my identity. I was always under my mothers wing them I was Adam's wife and Mackenzie's mom. I did know who Bella was. I didn't know how to be on my own two feet. I was living with a friend of a friend with a 1 year old on my hip at first and $5 no ID to my name... Who can say they've been there? I had no help. At the time of Adam's death I was living with a boyfriend and my baby was 4 months old. I was ready to file for a divorce I had the money... they told me I had to hire a private investigator. So instead of the money going toward the divorce it had to go toward a custody lawyer. I never had much money at one time.. there were times I was in a homeless shelter to times where I was working two jobs. I never had any idea what my future was when I was a 19 year old newlywed then a 23 year old widow. So I share my story about my rise from ashes basically. How I was homeless and broke. People always tell me well I've got a good husband he would never do that... I can always depend on my mom. Unfortuately its not always the way God has planned. I always tell people not to trust a spouse in a seperation that he won't jack you up and screw you over.. Because that DOES happen if he was so great you wouldn't be seperated. Always put your children first and think of the future. Plan for the future. No one wants to be in a Tornado but we have Tornado sirens, drills, weather radios, and tornado shelters. No one wants their house to be on fire but we have Smoke Detectors and plans for that too. Why not think of a future of you on your own and be prepared? No I don't panic everytime my now husband is late. I don't always fear he will leave me. I don't think he would but I can tell you I'd be prepared if he did! Sometimes it doesn't hurt to plan for the What If's because 10 years ago the lives of a nieve 23 year old, a 3 year old boy and a 4 month old girl changed forever....

in 1999 I didn't think when we played this song at our wedding because it was our song of how true it would be...

Culture? Some would say

I never thought of myself as a terribly sheltered child. Although my adopted mother was very mindful of what I was allowed to see, to have, or who I was allowed to be friends with. When I met Adam he was a bit older than me well he certainly had alot more life experience than I had. He introduced me to so many new things. Star Wars, Halloween, Phantom of the Opera. Those are three of his true loves in his movies. Those who knew Adam he loved movies so deep it would run in his soul. He wanted to be a special effects artist and a writer. Both of which I think he was talented at. He never used his dreams for good use. A true loss to all of us, In my opinion. Its funny I see things now 4 years after he passed away that he would have LOVED! The Phantom of the Opera Movie, Transformers Movie, Freddy Vs Jason (even if he had a distaste for it in a way I still think he had a love for it), and also the Superman Returns movie. Of course the Star Wars Prequels I am sure I would have loved to hear his stories about these. These things have now become my favorites and I hope to pass them on to Mackenzie one day. I love Phantom of the Opera. The music and the story is beautiful. I watched Phantom of the Opera with him once the horror version with Robert Englund (From Nightmare on Elm Street). But never the true version of the movie or theater production. I think in alot of ways Adam thought of himself as sorta of a phantom. I still have his sketch book I would love to share. Perhaps I will make a scrapbook for Mackenzie about his father. That would be nice. While I still have these memories of them. Adam and I had a bad relationship almost from the go of things but I think in alot of ways i have justified his part in the wrong doing to myself due to sickness or whatever I don't know for sure but thats the only way to make peace with it. As far as my wrong doing I am not innocent. I have not made peace with myself. However I have learned from my experience and will not repeat the mistakes of the past. Thats the only way to make it right.