consequences and truths

I’m no stranger to consequences and truths. I’ve had to pay for my consequences for two decades dealing with Mackenzie. People were afraid of how I would react when my own son rejected me and I survived. I’ve never hid the truth. I have nothing to lose by telling him the truth. THEY have everything to lose by saying the truth to him. I have made some mistakes in my life especially during my early 20’s. I don’t make excuses for that time in my life. I’ve tried to make amends for those. I don’t use or abuse alcohol or drugs to run away from issues, I have no problem telling the truth, accepting consequences and owning my truth and my mistakes. What I did two decades ago doesn’t define me and I hope I’m not that person anymore but I still take the consequences.

Happy 15th Birthday to my little man

15 years seem to have slipped through my fingers like water passes through. A lot of years I am going to have to answer to for my decisions. I am going to have to ask you to forgive a lot of choices that I made and know that my love is sincere and true. First lets go back to 15 years ago (I still remember it like it was yesterday) at 3:30 AM a familiar face was with your old mom then your Aunt Jennifer and your dad the day and time you were born. A few nights before that day we were living about an hour in the town where you were supposed to be born. The town your dad grew up in. We were living in the town I grew up in and we were going to make the hours drive if I went into labor to have you at Kennestone. Your cousin Matthew who was born a week before you was in that very hospital as well in the NICU still fighting. I started to have pretty bad pain one night so I went to the local hospital in Riverdale to get checked and I fought off the doctors trying to give me medications. I didn't want my tiny angel to be stuffed full of drugs. By morning the labor pains had fallen off and the doctors had given me something to help me sleep promising me if I went into labor I would need all the sleep to be able to labor through it. Well the next few days I had an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor and he did an ultrasound to check on you and I could barely stand the pain so we decided to go ahead in the hospital. I labored and they tried Pitocin and the contractions were right on top of each other so they had to turn that off. I slept for about 6 more hours until I woke up and felt like I was being cut in half. Your dad begged me to get the epidural and so I gave in and then slept for another 6 hours not feeling anything. I was woken up by a midwife or a nurse and she went to check me and noticed my water had broke and you were ready to come into this world. They woke your dad and Aunt Jennifer up and your dad had a bad seizure. They kept asking him to go to the ER but he wasn't going to leave us. He pushed Jennifer over to hold my hand and I wanted her to make sure your dad wasn't going to hurt himself. You were ready for this world...6 pushes and about 30 minutes later your daddy's dream to have a little boy came true. You weighed about 7 lbs but looked like you had fat rolls so the nurses all called you Big Mack. You felt heavier than the 7 lbs they said you were. We had already decided your name would be Mackenzie Taylor... it was your dad's idea and not sure where he got Mackenzie from except a dream. A dream where he thought you would be born at the end of May or beginning of June. You were not due till my adopted moms birthday June 11th. I guess he liked Mackenzie because at that time it was a real unisex name so if you were a girl it would have been the same name Mackenzie Taylor Rose... Taylor after your god father your dads best friend Berry Truelove. Taylor was his middle name. Berry was truly the best friend your dad had ever had and I hope he is there for you now. I slept most of the first days of your life and thankful that you were just here, healthy and mine. I was in awe of you. I remember your grandfather Robert coming to visit you vaguely and probably your Aunt Cherish would come check on you when she was watching over Matthew. I think after your grandfather Robert came to visit you we decided to give you a second middle name to name you after him as well. He meant a lot to your dad and I. You were so loved. After we were released from the hospital it was home for the hour drive to feed the animals then a long drive to your great grandparents house (Grand Daddy and Mawmaw I believe they were called) for their anniversary. I believe it was their 50th. That day you always met your great great grandmother and boy did she fall in love with you. I remember her fondly. On this 15th birthday of yours you are very much thought of and very much still loved in my home with your brothers and sister. Your sister looks like you I am told often. I realize how much time has passed and how short time is left. As always on your birthday I want you to call you and just say Happy Birthday. Perhaps one day you can give me a call too!

Dear Jack,

Dear "Jack",

15 years ago I was getting ready to marry you, yet I didn't know my own identity yet. 12 years ago I was a lost girl. 12 years ago today I didn't know it yet but my whole world flipped upside and would send me into a tail spin. 12 years ago you passed away in the middle of the night from what they said was a seizure. You never really had your Epilepsy treated or took your medication as directed. Your friends said my actions were the cause of the stress on you which lead to the seizures even though you had them since you were 16 when you drove your bicycle into an oncoming car. 12 years ago you left a scared 3 year old boy alone. When I received the subpoena that you had died and that your mother would take Mackenzie from me. I felt the world had really beaten me down and I had no one to help me up, dust me off, or push me forward. I had one personal had Skylar. She was so little she couldn't even talk or give me a kiss. She was just a few months old. In the years that followed I knew I couldn't let the children down. I couldn't let the world keep me down. I couldn't let it keep beating on me. I had to stand up and be tall. I eventually rose from the ashes and became the strong person I am today. 

One one of our first dances we danced to My Heart Will Go On. We saw Titanic at least 12 times in the theater and danced in the aisles of the theater because we were virtually alone or at least it just felt like it to a naive 18 year old girl.  When we got married I told my mother I wanted the song played during the beginning of the wedding or at LEAST compromise and be our first dance. She said it was morbid. My friend Megan sang From This Moment On by Shania Twain while I walked down the aisle and our first dance as a married couple was My Heart Will Go On. Ironic isn't it? That was probably one of our last dances as well. 

I hope I can remember enough of the memories we made and enough of the memories of you to share with Mackenzie and Skylar as they grow older and ask questions about you. Eventually I hope to be reunited with Mackenzie and I will give him the art work you left me and memories that are only stored in my head, my heart, my soul. I need to do a better job of journaling them for the kids. Not here it feels to private to share here on this blog. I am surprised I am being compelled to blog this now but in a private journal just meant for them.

Two very special people in your family followed you to Heaven. I read about your dad passing away 9 years almost to the day you did. You know he meant the world to me even if he hurt me in the end. I am sure your Maw-maw also found peace. I hope they are watching over and protecting Mackenzie for me. 

Love,

"Rose"

My Grown Up Christmas List

Rick, the little kids, and I were shopping for each others gifts. I took Skylar first and had her pick out gifts for Rick, William, and her best friend. Then Rick took her in to get a gift from her to me. I picked out something for William to Rick because William was tired and cranky. He's a typical male when it comes to shopping. Anyways while we were shopping Skylar said Mom the best Christmas present would be to see Mackenzie again (her older brother). I gave her a big hug and said me too baby me too! I would give up all the presents for years to come just to see Mackenzie.
So Dear Santa, That is at the top of my grown up Christmas list.. Let me babies see their older brothers. Let my husband see his sister and aunts again. My grown up Christmas wishes are that no child goes without Christmas or food. That no families are torn apart by evil, sin, and disease. If my life wasn't torn apart I wouldn't have Rick, Alex, James and William though. So if its your will.... My grown up Christmas Wish is that our military was home even if its just for one day during the holidays. That no one dies in vain or at the hands of another. That the ill could get proper medical treatment. That everyone could find the spirit that I love and believe. My grown up Christmas wish is that no one would ever feel alone that they know the love of another. So Dear Santa even though my childhood fantasies seemed to be out of reach I hope that you can keep this letter close to your heart and know that truly this is what we need here... for Christmas and every day after. Peace on Earth.
Love Bella I believe! 

Where are you Christmas?

I grew up a ward of the state but the Christmas' I remember were like this Norman Rockwell painting. I would get to see my biological family and spend some of Christmas with them and whatever quarrels would be a truced.. Strangers came to dinner and all were welcome. Many happy memories of Christmas and the traditions.. 

When I married Adam Christmas drastically changed... My guardian told me she didn't really want me there because I was embarrassing to her new son in law who was a California Senator. Then the next Christmas it was her grand daughter Abby had a rash she was afraid was Chicken Pox and didn't want Mackenzie to get it. Even though no males in Adam's family has ever had the Chicken Pox and Mackenzie was still vaccinated. So I was uninvited then there was the drama we had to go to Adam's grand parents house.. really my first holidays away from family (guardian and biological) and my grandfather had passed away. My sisters nor I wouldn't be able to be close to my biological mom on Christmas. The first Christmas away from family was a disaster it was traumatic. 

I quickly learned that not everyone has peaceful Christmas' even when a newborn is there. I learned that Norman Rockwell holiday is just a fantasy ... just a painting. It was hard. It IS hard.

Then Adam took Mackenzie... So my first year without Mackenzie I woke up in a cold sweat screaming. I had a nightmare that Mackenzie woke up and was looking under the tree saying he wanted mommy but I wasn't there. I wasn't under the tree. 

The second Christmas without Mackenzie I called Adam to see if I could give Mackenzie presents. I actually didn't know how to reach Adam I took a chance he would be with HIS family. His mother came on the phone and they both told me what a horrible mother I was and how I abandoned Mackenzie (not true). To mail the gifts... little did I know a month later Adam would be dead. So that was the last conversation I had with my husband and there was words of hate exchanged. Something I have to live with. 

I still really believed in Christmas... I wanted to give Skylar beautiful and magical Christmas' so I worked hard. Even when money was tight I did things beautiful for her. My oldest sister would have wonderful dinner parties for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that was a blessing until the stress and drama just got to me. I had to limit the amount of people I am around ON Christmas. My boyfriend would just wanna play games and not spend time with Skylar and I so I said fine its just me and her.. From that moment on I said I am not going to be stressed on Christmas, I am going to limit myself socially (which is rare), and I am going to make it magical for Skylar (now for William too). 

Since I have married Rick, Huntsville has so many events especially when we were active duty.. Nutcracker Ballet, Galaxy of Lights, Santa's Village.. this that and the other.. It was stressful just trying to see it all. It was stressful setting aside the money for it all.  I don't stress about money because I don't want to give it that type of power.. As long as my kids are provided for and the utility and main bills are paid then I will survive. More and more when I reach my emotional limit I call a time out and I stop. I no longer get upset if we miss something. Its disappointing sure but its not what Christmas is supposed to be about. As the kids get older its hard to find them dress clothes for Christmas and afford them. This year Skylar chose a pair of pajamas we found at the Salvation Army and I was just simply supposed to find the matching pair for William which was on disneystore.com but I waited to long. I am very disappointed that my kids now won't have matching pajamas or church clothes but its not the end of the world... If its not super important to them then it shouldn't be for me. I will have to find some alternative. I have had to put Christmas in perspective not just the commercialism but also what I can emotionally handle.

Thursday November 13, 2014: Why I decided to blog..

Since I am trying to gradually get back into blogging and not be a complainer constantly on my blog. I thought maybe we will take baby steps. Lets talk about when and why I decided to blog and what does this second life thing mean anyways? I can't remember when I started my blog. I think perhaps either my friend +Bill  or my friend Mia sent me an invite on Livejournal and I started learning the ways of Livejournal. Back when you had to be invited to the exclusive club. Which now if I use I am totally lost again LOL. But its still there for all the world to see. Sometimes I go back and copy and paste an old blog into this blog. Xanga, Yahoo 360, and Myspace have all deleted my old blogs now so I can't sadly recover those. They are probably on some cloud somewhere with my "Bella Bunny" attached to it. Ah I finally got into LJ my first entry was in January 28th 2003. That may have even been my second LJ I remember gifting one away. 8 days after my first husband died, yet I didn't know that he had died for another month. A month later I rushed down to Atlanta to try and get my son back. Anyways kinda off topic. Why did I start to blog? I have always been a writer. In high school I was a published poet. I have been published in poetry books, magazines and even Big Bop or Big Bopper (whatever that teen magazine is) Something I wrote about my favorite actor Jonathan Brandis. I used to write poems religiously and plays all through middle school and high school. You may be able to dig and find a few saved in blogger. So as I went through my trials of life, loosing my husband, my son, my family and trying to get back on my feet most of it is archived for the world to see. Some of it yeah I probably don't want people to see but some maybe even the same stuff could inspire someone, change someones path... You never know what your thoughts have the power to do. Writing has always been my tool. Its therapeutic for me. I sometimes get positive feedback and also constructive criticism which I am good with. I like when others can offer me and advice and encouragement. Its therapeutic that I can speak without saying it out loud. I am a very blunt person. I would almost say that I am painfully honest sometimes. What I say is usually twisted the wrong way. Sometimes I actually don't feel I can be blunt enough afraid of the power behind what I have to say. Sometimes what I need to say will just fall on deaf ears. I deal with that a lot lately. I can't change you. I may not ever be able to change your mind. I can only change how I deal with it. So I write to get it all out on the table because holding something in for me is dangerous and lethal even. I have tried to bottle things up and its just a bad result..  I don't always feel like I get my thoughts out clearly when I speak them. So writing is a way for me to get my thoughts out and even though yes it still can get twisted at least I can put what is in my head and you don't have to read if you don't want to. But its still free from my soul. I just have to learn how to say things in a manner where I won't want to take them back.

What is this second life? My life since January 2007 is a world away from my life prior that. Yet some things from my old life become a constant in the new life. My best friend Jennifer has always been by my side. The mommy support group I started when my now 14 year old was just 6 months old is still going we just have moved to the Facebook format since that's where most of us are these days. Some still have the same members as it started with. Its a nationwide mommy group we are a from all walks of life all over the US and I have even met a few. I love them they are some of my closest friends and supporters. Of course my two oldest children have been through the old life and Skylar and I are extremely close through this second life. She's entering the teen years and she is thriving and growing so beautifully. The old life when I lived in Georgia and now I am in Alabama. My old life when I lost my family, I lost my husband, I lost my oldest son. I had to live through some traumatic events. Without Rick it would have been a lot harder to get back on my feet. When I talk about the old life its even like talking about someone elses life. Yet the scars are still on my soul, the wounds are still deep and trying to heal. Through the second life I may back slide, I may fail, I may fall, I may get hurt and I am still damaged with baggage but this is why its a misadventure! Definitely an adventure to be had!

Mackenzie's birth story

I was very pregnant with Mackenzie and I worked at Domino's with Adam at the time. Well since i couldn't really do anything but answer phones I probably spent most of the time in the office answering phones. I was on the phone with Angela and she had had Penny a few years before so she was telling me what contractions felt like. A few days later Adam was due to start vacation and I felt the sharpest pains I have ever felt in my life like someone was stabbing my cervix but it was nothing like Angela had described labor to be. I tried walking it off, resting, everything and my Midwife or nurse through the OB practice told me if I was on the phone with her and talking through them then it wasn't true labor. I ended up being in so much pain I went to Southern Regional Medical Hospital which is the closest place to me. I lived in Riverdale at the time. I had moved to Riverdale because Domino's corporate gave Adam and I the store to run. We wanted to be closer to Helene and we bought a house there. But because I got pregnant in Marietta and lived for a very short time in Woodstock my OB and Neonatalogist was in Marietta. I went to Southern Regional at 38 weeks pregnant and they hooked me up to the monitors and it showed no contractions just uterine irritation. They said they were giving me medicine to rest and they offered me demerol but I refused it. I woke up after a nap and my labor had stopped to this day I think they stopped it. I fought to see an OB and they told me they didn't have an OB on the floor yeah whatever LOL. They released me and suggested I follow up with my regular OB. So I did I had an appointment scheduled the next day anyways. Adam and I took the long drive up to Marietta that day and by the time I got to the OB's office I couldn't move I was in so much pain. They had to bring a wheel chair and get me in the office. They said they could induce me but didn't suggest it at 38 weeks. I went to Labor and Delivery and was giving a half a dose of cervidil and the monitors still didn't show contractions just uterine irritation. Of course because the contractions didn't feel like Angela had explained how they felt they felt like stabbing pains deep down LOL. After 5 minutes of pitocin my contractions were so on top of each other they had to stop it. To t his day I believe I was in true labor it just wasn't picking up. I believe my cervix was contracting and not my uterus. I remember filming Mackenzie's hiccups and then I went to sleep and slept for 9 hours. I woke up screaming bloody murder like someone was killing me in the middle of the night. Adam woke up seizing and begged his sister to help me. At the time I didn't want his sister there at all and told her to help Adam. The Midwife wanted Adam to go to the ER but Adam refused and REALLY didn't want the medical bills for something they couldn't help him with. He begged me to get the epidural that he couldn't stand to see me in that much pain so I did and fell asleep again for a few more hours I woke up from the midwife wanting to check my cervix and I told her I couldn't feel anything from my belly button down... not just numb but nothing like it wasn't there BUT I did feel wetness... My water had broke and I was at 10 CM. Time to push. I am like how am I going to push if I can't feel anything. She said think about it real hard. Adam and Jennifer held me and I watched in the mirror and pushed him out in 32 minutes. Mackenzie Robert Taylor weighed 7 lbs 1 ounce and was 17 and half inches long :) He was born at Kennestone Hosptial in Marietta GA and at the time Matthew my nephew who was born on May 24th was in NICU at the same hospital.

I wish

There are many things I wish for.. I wish that Scientist and doctors had more of a knowledge and could answer more questions about Autism and other disorders on the spectrum. Not what is happening with DSM-5 proposal to eliminate all other disorders's on the spectrum and just keep treating and diagnosing the very classic Autistic children and adults. I would wish for a cure for Autism or at least a treatment. I would wish for an end and cure to Childhood Cancer. I would wish for an end to child abuse, sexual abuse, and domestic violence. I would wish for an end to end the suffering of our troops and their families. For all their sacrifice that is the last thing they should have to do is suffer through whatever ail's them. Homelessness, Mental Illness, Suicide, Loss of Limb, PTSD, etc...I would wish for more peace, understanding and compassion in the world.

I don't know if I could honestly say that if I had one wish I would wish anything above would actually happen. I would have to say if I had one wish that I would be tempted to wish that Mackenzie would have never left my side that he would have never had to suffer through the loss of a parent (or both parents). I would wish Mackenzie home. I would wish that if I could I would wish I could bring him home. Its terribly selfish but it is what it is.

I am afraid

 I have PTSD. I have never been to war. I have only seen what apparently my eyes shouldn't have seen. It was just too much for my brain to cope with even after 10 years. In 2001 I was separated from my husband at the time because he was abusive. I lived with an almost stranger he was a very nice guy. I lived with Mack in a sleeping bag in his living room. No Drivers License, No Job, No Money and I just had what I left the homeless shelter on my back. I was trying to find a job wherever I could walk with Mackenzie on my hip. It was hard. I had my Guardian pressure me to let Adam see his son. I had turned off all the utilities to our shared apartment. I was down to a few diapers, $5, Mackenzie had an ear infection, and my other Guardian had passed away Fathers Day Weekend 2001. So I agreed to meet Adam and let him take Mackenzie to the pediatrician. I made an appointment. He was supposed to bring him back that Sunday (Father's Day). He never brought Mackenzie back. There is nothing the police would do because we had equal and shared custody since we were still married. There is nothing Child Protective Services or Department of Family and Children Services would do even though he was under investigation for the abuse and neglect. I needed a lawyer. I didn't have money for a lawyer. I didn't have support from my family or my Guardian. So I couldn't fight his rich family. After that I went through a series of supervised (by his mother's order) visits. I was invited into her home in her living room as an adult stood at every door, door way, and window. I wasn't allowed to hold him and I was treated like a criminal. I had no legal right to pick him up and take him out of the house. I was only allowed to see him because CPS/DFACS had let them know it was in his best interest (and Adam's my husband) to let me have visitation. That's the only time they would interfere. In 2003 Adam ended up passing away from a seizure in the middle of the night at his mother's house (supposedly) while he had Mackenzie with him. I found out a month later by subpoena that he died and they wanted to adopt Mackenzie. Again I still had no $5,000 for a lawyer... I still don't. In September 2003 I lost Mackenzie.

My world tumbled in a downward spiral thankfully by September 2003 I had an almost 1 year old daughter that had helped me stay above water from drowning. I fully believe that and faith that God knew what my plan was helped me through that year and several years after. In 2006 I broke up with an abusive man I was dating. He did drugs and drank and was emotionally abusive. In 2007 I was meeting my now husband for the first time and like a responsible mother I left my daughter who was 4 at this time, with my sister that I thought I could trust until I got the call that my ex had came and picked up Skylar and took her. He had no legal right to Skylar. He is not Skylar's father. He also stole my purse. I went to the police station to file a report on my missing ID etc we were out of jurisdiction for the "kidnapping". I didn't think they took it seriously. I went into the police station in the area where I lived. They agreed to drive me by the house... no one was there. They couldn't take me as far out as my ex's father's house. So we were sitting at the Sheriff's office for a time trying to take a next step (again does it sound like they took kidnapping seriously? Go Gordon County!) I got a call from my ex's uncle asking me if I called the cops on his nephew. I told them yes but I hadn't pressed charges yet so he agreed to bring her back. Skylar and my ex were in the woods hiding in the middle of the night. I got Skylar back and left the state and haven't looked back!

Were either of my children actually kidnapped and never seen again no? But most children are kidnapped by a loved one or someone they know. Were they taken away from me while I was powerless? YES!

I have a fear of my children being kidnapped. I am very protective. I am hyper attentive to them.  I have PTSD. I control it REALLY well occasionally though I get an anxiety attack when I can't 1) access my child. If I don't know where they are or I can't touch them or see them. I freak out. 2) like any normal mother I hurt when they hurt. I turn into mother bear. I am told I would be crazy if I didn't react with my amount of protection. Jaycee Dugards of the world re-enforce my need to put GPS tracking on my kids. So my last Anxiety attack was the last time we went to marriage counseling but I didn't react I worked through it. The time before was the issue with the church and the time before that was over a  year when the school doors were locked with CHILDREN inside. Normally the outer most doors are unlocked you can A) enter the lobby and talk to the receptionist through the window or use their little machine and MOST of the time the school office door is unlocked. The inner most doors STAY locked from the outside. Well the OUTER most doors are locked - which is probably against fire code. I went to the Cafeteria and those doors were unlocked but I was greeted by a chick I didn't know wearing street clothes and I was told I couldn't enter the building and I couldn't speak to my child. So I got back in the car kinda in shock and I told Rick who had been working for 24 hours straight so he wasn't all with it. A mile an a half to the house and I had him calling the school. Boy was I heated! Of course they just said maybe I didn't know how to open the doors myself LMAO. Untrue and covering their ass. There have been times when Skylar is doing something with a friend going to an event that I am not there that is not at their house and I am NOT okay but I am calm. Or a babysitter has them but doesn't check in I get nervous. Rick gets nervous. One time I had a close friend watching Skylar and she took Skylar to her aunts and I was a wreck but I didn't flip out on her I just said please bring her back because I didn't know where her aunt lived and I didn't know if I could drive there or not. So my worst fear is my PTSD. My only other major fear is driving in the dark and rain. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 27 and I get nervous when I drive sometimes. I am pretty strong in controlling that as well. I am afraid of being attacked but again I think that's just common sense to be aware of your surroundings and don't put yourself at risk if you don't have to. I don't let my fear control me with the except of one of the few times my PTSD hit so bad. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real... a fear can be as simple as a big ole injured lazy lion with his big roar that can't do much but lay there and growl but from a distance it sounds  scarier than it is. I don't let the devil win either. I believe that its just another way to make things weigh me down, loose hope, loose faith. I remain strong and I do believe I am being taken care of.

I write..

I write because:

I write because most of the time it comes naturally to me.

I have written in one form or another since I was little.

I write because I have forgotten things I would have liked to have recorded in some way and shared perhaps only with Mackenzie. I write to record thoughts, feelings, events, pictures... etc.

I write for my children to share about their childhood unfortunately its the good and bad.

I write for Mackenzie for all of the time he missed and everything I want to share with him. I write for Mackenzie.

I have had a blog since my old life. I remember my first blog on Livejournal. Its still there 

I have used Yahoo 360, Myspace, Xanga, Open Diary and other pages.  Look here

I blogged then to vent I am sure my friends were tired of  me nagging about one ex or another.

I still vent on my blog but I try not to get as deep as I used to. I wonder if that's why my comments and views went down since I became an Army Wife. 

I have a blog to write my experiences as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, Army Wife, Army Mom, and mother to kids of all different ages. I write as my experiences dealing with Aspergers. I write with my experiences in my journey as being a spouse and step mom to someone in the Military. I write for those of who've dealt with depression or mental illness or any illness at all. I have. I have overcome challenges. I defy odds.  I write for you if you can relate to being a widow, a new mom, a military wife, a military mom, I write for you.

I write because its an outlet. Its an outlet for me to express myself without laying my crazy head on some one's shoulder. I am very well aware that I am a lot to handle. The pure number of therapists and their exasperation at me wasn't my first hint. Very little people can handle all this so at least as I lay it out in a blog its in bits and pieces and you can tune me out, X out of my blog, and never come back. But I want you to come back. I love comments and feedback for the good and the bad (just not too bad okay?) I write for me.

I write because I am an emotional person. I am a talkative person. Its therapeutic for me to write.

Its therapeutic if I can read what I wrote and remember everything about that moment. There is comfort in my blog. In my home away from home

I write for the memories. Memories fade especially as you get to be elderly or you loose childhood memories as you grow so I write for my future self. I write for Alex, James, Skylar, Rick, and William.

I write because I have met many people over the years in my Mommy Support Group online and they like to hear about things I might forget to email. A lot of us have moved on from the email groups because our kids are growing up, we have started working, gotten busy or whatever the reason. Thanks to Facebook and my blog they still have a view into my life. I write for my Online Friends and Family. I write for my Mommy Group Friends.

I wrote while my husband was deployed so encase I didn't get to talk to him on the phone or I forgot to tell him something I would write and rant about my day to day on my blog as long as it wasn't too personal. I write for my husband. After all I owe my blog for introducing us ;)

I write because we are a military family. Being a military family the best way to share what is going on in my world with my extended family spread all out is to share it on my blog. I wish my mom had internet and a computer.. maybe soon. I write for Rick's family and my family.

I write because I wouldn't remember my cat's birthday's LOL. I blogged about when we got Tinker Bell and when we got Mittens.

I write on a blog because paper is too easily destroyed, misplaced, or worse. When I wrote things down in high school and middle school I used a special type of Five Star Notebook with the spiral on top. Do I have those now? No I wish I did even though my poems are probably embarrassing it was me at 15 & 16. I have been published I don't have any of that either. I write this because things are lost and forgotten.

I write this blog to inspire. Perhaps a new military wife will read this blog and realize she has the strength to survive a hard deployment. A single mom has the fight of fight left in her. A lost Christian can find their way back. A widow will learn it doesn't heal but it does get easier. I write to a mother who has lost her husband or her child as I have and just tell her to hold on. If I can educate one person with my experiences my blog has done what I want it to. I have survived child abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, I've been widowed, lost the rights to my child, and I can survive two deployments! Go me! I write this blog to spread laughter. I am no comedian but I am sure something my kids have done is funny or perhaps a funny story or graphic made you smile.

I write on StormyAries Creations http://stormyariescreations.blogspot.com/ to show off. To teach. To keep track of what I do and what I create. To list ideas. To try new ideas. Its my creative side.

I write because its who I am.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I got Postpartum Depression when I had Mackenzie. With the abuse and the family problems I was having it developed into full blown depression, Then when Adam took Mackenzie I got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got pregnant with Skylar 6 months later and had to hide her (and me) due to Adam's threats. I was so devastated and missed Mackenzie so much. I would see a picture of a older child touching moms pregnant belly or two siblings (like my nephews -- who were closely the same age as my children) and the depression hit its lows during my pregnancy. I didn't like where I was living. I was surrounded by dead beats and loosers. I had gotten myself into another situation that was hopeless. At least for me as sick as I was when I was pregnant. When I gave birth to Skylar things got a little better and thought how could I ever want to do that when I have this miracle. Things got bad quickly again. I pleaded DHR for help often collapsing into tears whenever I was questioned about Mackenzie or how I was doing. Skylar wasn't three months old when Adam died and I found out almost a month later that he had died. I knew things were going to be real difficult with Mackenzie. I couldn't get my family to back me. I couldn't get the support I needed from my boyfriend. I had to push forward for my kids. After I lost the custody battle I had an appointment with DHR again and I collapsed again and they said okay its time to get you help and they did. I went to the Mental Health Center and got set with a psychiatrist and therapist but like all underpaid government workers it was limited but I got the diagnosis and meds I needed.. Another diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I never wanted to act on a suicide. I was what my therapists have said I was passive aggressive suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up and not cause anyone suffering and pain. I had a dream one night that we were having a good old fashioned Lock In at Trinity (the church I grew up in) and it was a nightmare... I saw demons dragging the souls of my friends and loved ones. I woke up and I realized depression/suicide can just be the devils way of giving up on God. Some Christians believe Suicide is a sin and if you commit suicide you go to hell. I think suicide is more than just a selfish act I can't imagine being in so much pain the only way to escape is death. At that point I decided that the "devil" wasn't going to tempt me and I slowly came out of the depression. I continued to have rough times but I didn't need my meds again until recently. I know where my head is and I know when to get help. One of my favorite actors hung himself and committed suicide it was a tragic loss for me and it was hard to grasp it for so long. I hear about 10 year olds giving up on life and trying to claim their own and to me that is so tragic. There is more help out there and someone WILL love you. For now I am okay because I know my kids need me and I would never do that to them. The Depression can come and go but I don't think I will ever be suicidal again.

mackenzie

You never know how precious a memory, is until its all you have left, and holding on to it, is all you can do.


Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

• The Wonder Years