Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, or Merry Chrismukkah.

All I have ever known is the traditional Christian and commercialized versions of Christmas. I have always wanted to learn about how to do Hanukkah since I have connected to Judaism for some time. My sister converted to Judaism when she was in the military and I went to temple with her while I visited. I like the beliefs and doctrine. So I am totally down with the Chrismukkah if I ever can...
I don't want to be insulting or wrong in my teachings toward my children. Skylar learned about dreidels in Kindergarten and both kids enjoy their dreidels. We respect most other religions and I have always been fascinated and eager to learn about them for sure! What do you celebrate in your house this time of year?

Damaged

We had a rough night last night. I immediately felt regretful for my actions. I did realize two causes of my actions are 1. my wounds that his decisions dealing with the family still are very open and real. 2. I am "damaged". Alot of what I do when it comes to Rick is a product of my abusive relationship of 5 years. Its no more fair to Rick to chew him out for scars from the previous as well as the other 27 years of my life and Borderline Personality Disorder... than it is for him to expect me to accept his decisions without my feelings in regard to staying in the Military and the priorities for this family. However I know alot of this drama is caused from both sides from not healing enough before getting involved with each other. So we have to not only face the challenges of marriage but challenges of working together a life of understanding that we both have a lot of repairs that need to be done. So yes you understand now that we have more challenges ahead than just the average marriage and as long as Rick and I can both accept the challenges of marriage (second ones at that), that we both come in some sort of damaged package, the military brings on its own challenges, as well as dealing with the chemistry of having a blended family and a new child together. I want to apologize to Rick but he isn't home from work yet. I am apologizing in my blog because I know he will read it at some point at least on Myspace.

Last night I started having braxton hicks for the first time in my life. A bit scary but after three pregnancies at least I know I wasn't in harm. They were painless just uncomfortable and more uncomfortable for the baby. I had to get the braxton hicks to calm down then I had to get the baby to go to sleep so I could finally drift off. That was for about 30 minutes before I woke up coughing so hard I didn't have a chance to catch a breath. I got about 4 hours of peaceful sleep till I woke up from another coughing fit. Again I coughed so hard I choked on a halls.. ha.

All morning the look on Rick's face last night has been playing in my head and shaking me to my core. A little piece of me died. I know I hurt him and I hurt myself. Everyone is frustrated at the situation. I am not alone at being angry at the situation. But you can't fight the military and you can't cry over spilled milk. You pick up you move on and you try not to repeat the mistakes that were made. I am just afraid that one day trying isn't going to be enough... thats how it was in the past.

Big Girls Don't Cry

So its been a month since Olenka and I decided to stop talking. I have been debating whether or not to blog so publicly. Matter of fact I have kept alot to myself in the past month. Not responding to any drama, any emails, IM's, or else that she has sent. I have not tried to contact her. After the past two days of drama in a mommy loop I am in. I am coming to the realization that the drama won't stop no matter what I do. She thinks its funny and cute and thats her business. I am just going to ignore it. Not like it hurts my feelings or anything. After the path she has taken in my life and just not letting things heal or die. There is nothing more I could want from that type of relationship. There is nothing IMO that I deserve that kind of drama. So that sums that up.

But the past two days I have been recieving replies to my emails from Olenka in Mommy Loop mail that are hateful and mean, She's twisting my words (what else is new?) and/or just being out right childish. Funny how it seems Donnie is now being polite and working on himself and Olenka is the immature one. I have to sit back and wonder who might be encouraging her behavior? Who else thinks this is hilarious! Oh its so funny! Please! I understand some of my "friends" stance on being a neutral friend in this drama but at what point should they stand up for me or introvegne. I mean OMG what am I going through right now? My husband is leaving for 18 months in just a few days. Like I need ANY added stress. How much do these people care? How much do I deserve this bullshit? So now the BPD says who can you trust online? Who are your true friends? And to what extreme is this going to continue?

I've been very proud of myself. For the first few days I cried over it. But I have been VERY strong and glad that the drama and what I had to deal with was put to an end. What I thought was a quiet end. I will always cherish the memories of our friendship don't get me wrong. I don't even hate her. I've even debated on whether to send her a card since she is pregnant now :). I am the better person here! I'm not playing into her drama. I am not being a pussy. Yes I tend to grab a shoulder of Rick or another friend and bitch about the bitchy emails but hey what's to be expected? I give up. I won't burden anyone else but Rick with this shit its tiring.
I am a big girl now. I am over this. I can protect myself. I am strong enough now.
Its time to relax, blog, meditate and think about things. Time to gather some clarity. Only way to survive this life is by having faith and finding peace and serenity and focusing on Clarity.
Funny thing is what alot of people probably don't know or don't realize is that I don't blame the end of our friendship on Olenka I just think it was time. It was nothing she really did it was just it was time. It had nothing to do with her. It was a personal decision after speaking with Rick and him worrying. Last thing I need him is in the field worrying more than neccessary about me. Time for me to grow and find sanctuary within myself. Maybe I relyed too much on Olenka at times?
I will miss the good parts of our friendship don't we all ponder back on an old relationship of one form or another and have fond memories and miss the good times? I don't dwell on the hurt. What kind of pain is that? But now and a month ago it was time for me to be a big girl. I was ready to move on with my life. Maybe New Years Eve was the cusp of a new life for me. When I finally felt I couldn't be with Donnie anymore maybe Olenka was some how also in that? Maybe it was time for me to grow away from both of them? But why did it last another 6 months? Perhaps for self assurance?

So my thinking and meditating its time to take a deep breath in and out. Shoulders and back straight. Chin UP! Stand strong and walk the walk alone. Thats good for the soul. Its good for me. I am married now yes and its not about Rick either. I feel even though our souls are one now. My soul still needs to learn strength on her own.
In earlier blogs i talked about a baby bird learning how to fly. Yes indeed still learning to stretch my wings and fly and I have a long way to go.

If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be I would have been like Yup Calhoun Freaking Georgia with Donnie and Skylar living near Jennifer and Chris LOL. Because I had it set in my head thats where I needed to be thats what I needed to do. At one time I thought Calhoun/Donnie/That Life was a fairy tale. I thought Olenka was the best friend anyone could EVER have. At one time she was.
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I would have stayed

So its time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.
I will always miss and think about what could have been but grow from what could be in the future.