A day in the life of autism

I’m struggling with something. My son is 9.5 and has complex adhd and Autism. I also have other children 16-34. My 16 year old is a beautiful smart neurotypical girl who identifies as bi and is accepting of the LGBTQ+ community.  I’ve gotten enough judgmental eyes about my well behaved, National honor society rule abiding 16 year old for being “bi”...I try to NOT think everyone is judging me when my son is being hyper or has to be structured, emotionally immature or has struggles with fine motor skills or any thing else associated that makes people on spectrum special and I’m an advocate for acceptance but it’s a struggle to not think people are not judging my child or myself.  When I go out to eat and my son is in constant motion or eats something with his fingers. I’ve also been very careful to not judge another persons parenting style. I get snide remarks like he’s going to have to deal in the real world. Yes by the time he enters the real world he will learn or master coping skills. Then there is such a thing called The Person with disabilities act. My husband is on the spectrum and had a successful 24 year military career. They can and will be successful as anyone. I can and have raised a child that is well mannered and smart. My youngest is no exception. So how do you get past the knee jerk reaction of being judged? It hurts enough when children judge my children. Yet I don’t completely blame them either. It’s just e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g. I don’t even want to think about those with disabilities that aren’t invisible. 

To my younger self from me on my 40th birthday

To my younger self and all the beautiful young ladies reading this...
There is truth to the saying wisdom comes with age or experience. My 40th birthday is around the corner. I wanted to share a bit of wisdom.

Remember when you don’t feel good enough for someone that just means they aren’t meant to be in your life, they are intimidated by your shine, or it’s their problem and insecurity.
There is someone out there worthy of your shine whom you were perfectly made for.
So if you feel like your nothing there is someone out there who thinks your perfect.
Just when you don’t think the world gets you there is someone who does.
Sometimes we don’t even like ourselves and we have to change our own minds and love ourselves to let our light shine brighter.
If you continue to let people in your life that don’t belong then you try try try and you’re just missing out on the you that is genuine and they will never get it.

Pick Me Choose Me Love Me part 2

Side note: I wrote part 1 some time ago but never published it.

Growing up I seemed to struggle with always being left out in some way shape or form. At 11 years old I became a ward of the state. My oldest sister went between living with my father and then was amancipated. My middle sister stayed with mom. Meanwhile I was with a family friend. If there was one person we could ask to love us unconditionally and to care for us it’s our parents. My parents weren’t capable of doing that. Then essentially from the time I was 18 until 27 the person who raised me and whom I called mom slowly started to distance me from her family. Until I got remarried then she cut off all contact. Yet again I felt abandoned by someone that is supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Someone I called mom. I called her mom but I never felt like she saw me as her daughter. A childhood I had had physical abuse and neglect and abandonment. I think it changes the way   I think about myself and it wasn’t until some deep digging in therapy and some self discovery on my own ugly parts I realized I place my identity and self worth in whether or not someone chooses me. I fight way too much for someone like my husband, family members, close friends, and my past relationships to make me somewhat of a priority. I know in my teen years I was in and out of the hospital countless times and yes I had to be Helene’s priority. Instead I saw myself as a burden. In my first life/ marriage I pushed people away or ran away to prevent from being hurt. Slowly I’ve seen what that did to me and others and have started to heal and fight the fight or flight urge. 

I still struggle with the thoughts of being unlovable. I mean after all my own parents didn’t “love” me like I needed... not just the ones that gave me life but the family friends that raised me- the God chosen parents. I’ve struggled with being accepted for who I am. 

So in a relationship when I feel like someone is putting someone else first and not meeting my needs. I just beg.... “pick me, choose me, love me..” pretty soon those cries fade and change to “What’s wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?” I start feeling like I’m building a wall. I’m growing colder probably a self preservation to numb myself from not being important enough to those important to me.  

So when I grow colder my self esteem is horrible because I have a hard time placing value in myself if no one else sees my value. 

Pick me Choose me Love me

I’ve been involved in a lot of situations lately where it’s come to my attention someone thinks another person is choosing something or someone over themselves.

Someone thinks their significant other chose alcohol over them.

Someone might think someone chooses work over them.

A best friend may think that the person is choosing one person over themselves.

Or perhaps it’s a family member. It could be a family member playing favorites...

Myself as part of a blended family feel like sometimes a child, even an adult child, is always given priority over the rest of the family members.

Sometimes I feel people even choose to not put their values first or defend their loved one to avoid drama.

So the accusation of someone choosing something or someone over them is that an insecurity on their part or is it an actual issue? How do you handle these issues? Have you felt like you were either party?

Reflection

It’s been almost a year since my life was shattered as I knew it. It’s been over a year of fighting the deepest depression of my life. Within the last two years I lost both of my parents. I lost some of my closest friends I never thought I’d lose under the circumstances I did. I was deeply betrayed by people I thought I could trust with my life, yet it nearly killed me. The journey to reunite with Mackenzie, my son ended with me left heartbroken. It’s been a journey through my own personal Hell. Through the battle (that word only sounds like a fraction of what I’ve been through) I haven’t totally given up, I’ve become exhausted and worn.  I don’t think I’ll ever be like I used to be. I haven’t completely forgiven those people and I certainly won’t forget how I feel. Even through recovery, I don’t think I’ll get the old me back. Life changes you sometimes. I know I won’t forget the ONE person who I can talk to at any hour about anything. She’s bluntly honest and doesn’t take even shit from me. She doesn’t judge me I don’t think. She says the hard stuff and loves me furiously. I know as long as I can be strong enough for my kids to stand shakily in the literal shit. I’ll be okay. 

She who is strong

I’ve been told I’m strong. Jennifer says I am the strongest person she knows. I mock a “whatever, you’re crazy!” What could ever possibly make her think that?

A therapist told me years ago that despite what I say I’m strong because I’ve already endured so much. My childhood, my numerous operations, death of my husband, loss of a child. I’ve endured as much as a soap opera yet I charge on. 

Again I mock my story isn’t that tragic... it could be worse

It wasn’t until today I truly felt strong. I’ve continuously watched “life and all it encompasses” pull the ground out from under me. It constantly knocks the air out of me. Drop kicks me and kicks me when I’m down. Tests my faith which doesn’t waiver. I can be on my knees bruised and battered and still laugh and that’s all you got? It may take a moment to catch my breath and find my groove but I’m strong because I stand for my kids and love despite being shown I shouldn’t. I am strong because despite having the rug pulled out from under me I love harder. I don’t even need them to see, I don’t even hesitate. I just continually put myself out there to try harder. Personally I’d call that ignorant. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Yet I am calling it strong. 

I picture Harley Quinn losing a fight and just sitting there maniacally laughing.

Expression

Why express myself? If I’m heartbroken. I have to explain it. If I’m sad, I have to explain it. Someone always wants to talk about it but doesn’t really listen. I don’t have to express myself because I wear my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts and feelings are tattooed on my arms. Next time you want to know if you really care look into my tear filled eyes at the lighthouses that constantly direct the way. Just a waste of feeling and emotion. I need to just stop! If you wonder why I’m walled off it’s because you didn’t care to hear me when I spoke the first time. I seem to be constantly exposing myself  just for someone else to tattoo pain on my arms instead of just my own expression. I express myself to deaf ears and hurtful hearts.
“If you ever cared to know how I am feeling, look closely at my skin. I wear my feelings there. On my arms, on my sleeve, alongside this heart of mine. It cannot possibly be hidden. Emotions spilled over me like a novel, written on my skin, lighthouses in my eyes that constantly direct the way. I’m an ocean of feelings, just waiting for someone to see its safe enough to sail on me.” Stephanie Bennett-Henry

Astonishing device

Isn't a cell phone an amazing device? If your my age or older we didn't have cell phones so much. We had corded house phones, Some  people had these car phones that were the size of a small child. I got a beeper with my own money as a teen and Helene destroyed it saying on drug dealers had beepers/pagers. A few years later I got my very first cell phone. It was a Nokia phone on the Voice Stream network-- I think. It would do basic phone functions, texting?, oh and I could kill my battery faster than anything playing snake. Now these devices are amazing... At one point I realized it was a miniature computer in your hand. But what would I like my cell do that it doesn't not? Unrealistically? It would be nice if it would deposit money in my account, clean, and cook... just saying but it has a hard enough time not eating my appointments. I am an Apple fan (at least as far as phones go.) At this point I have wasted too much money on Itunes to turn to Samsung now. However my best friend is a fan of Samsung. I can see her ask her phone " What movie did Danny Devito and Tom Cruise star in together?" and it will give her an answer. Siri on the other hand goes "This is what I found on the net for you." *Facepalm* Even in the car trying to not drive recklessly I say Hey Siri next song .... and nothing happens. So if they want me to be so hands free I think Siri should help with more commands. It should also work seemlessly with my new car... especially when it could have had apple carplay LOL.

Bucket list

You know if I were writing my bucket list it would probably read like a fairytale.

To have a relationship (yes I’m married) where he’s attentive to almost an annoying point. Wants and tries to make me and mine happy as well. To not only be attentive with me as far as attention and time but other ways as well. He would be thoughtful and leave notes, I was thinking of you gifts (like a candy bar or even picking up my favorite food at the store.) one that is empathic, considerate, and strong enough to deal with me. 

Other than that of course I want to be reunited with Mackenzie and take care of the other children.

Then the usual stuff

1. I’d say see dolphins
2. Bald eagle in the wild 
3. Horses in the wild
4. Free access to Davis moffin graveyard
5. Blue angels show
6. See famous places

I’d be pretty lucky with that. 

If I fell down a rabbit hole, What do you think you'd find?

Its funny because I have a friend that calls me Alice. Because like Alice in Wonderland I am very curious and I don't seem to think the rabbit hole is a daunting place. It seems quite endless. So to come across the question in my writing ideas I laughed to myself. If I fell down a rabbit hole like literally. I'd find rabbit poop LOL. If its a philosophical rabbit hole... I've seen many things. dark people's souls, darkness of my own, hurt, pain, laughter, recovery, healing... There are many things down the rabbit hole. What do you think is down the rabbit hole?

Who Am I?

Who Am I? I've always saw myself as compassionate, open minded, loving, caring, and then I can be bluntly honest to a fault. A former friend texted me yesterday and he said to me that I was being spiteful and he didn't know who I was because he says I acted like my life is worse than everyone else's. I have never thought that! By a long shot! At 12 years old I had craniofacial reconstructive surgery and met a baby that had the same surgery. I had encountered many children that were warriors at different times I was having surgery. I know my childhood wasn't great but I also know it was good in many ways. Last year was certainly a rough year for me. It was one of the worst ones of my life only to be rivaled by losing my husband and son. It was a challenge. I have never been afraid of constructive criticism. Granted, I don't think he was being constructive. I do tend to internalize things when people say things and I am very analytical. So I am constantly analyzing conversations I have had with people, comments that are made, and people themselves. A tool I use is that I think about comments or if its a disagreement I tend to not so much blame myself for it but how can I change this, do I need a change, etc etc. I think its hard to explain. So when the former friend said those things to me I have spent most of my day letting it go in my head like a broken record player. I know I am giving him space in my head he doesn't deserve. But its more of a tool to grow within myself. So I was thinking was I throwing a pity party? Was I being spiteful? Angry? Yes I am angry at how our friendship that was over 20 years old ended. I started to see a lot of true colors.
I know I am a caring person that keeps a few dollars for the random homeless person, I volunteered for the animal rescue locally. I am always here with a helping hand however I can and it gives me so much joy.

Ostracized

I was a ward of the state at the age of 10. I lived with family friends and eventually called them mom and dad. Yet I was referred to as that girl we have custody of. My guardians daughter in law often received gifts for a daughter. I often talked about my guardians adopting me but they never did. At 18 I very much became the black sheep and started to be uninvited to holidays etc.
With my biological family my step grandmother often bought my cousins nice things for Christmas but not my sisters and I. Matter of fact she complained whenever my grandfather wanted to spend money on me.
From the moment I met the mother of my first husband I think she hated me. I’ve said she’s hated me since the moment we shared oxygen. I think it’s safe to say that regardless of the strife within my husband- Adams family that they were close. When we were making the transition from friends/roommates to being in a relationship. He introduced me to his mother, stepfather, sister, and step brother Matthew. I asked permission to call my “Mom” who was really the woman who raised me. My future mother in law thought that was so rude and told everyone so. We left and went home. The next day I think Debbie (his mother) called him accusing me stealing jewelry out of her room apparently I confided in his sister (who was a stranger) that I did it and pawned the jewelry. Adam defended me (that time) and knew I didn’t because I was with him the whole time, I never went to her bedroom (I called mom from the kitchen). Nonetheless I didn’t even have an ID to pawn anything. The hate continued with the family members and Adam wouldn’t defend me if it meant staying on their good side or getting money. There were several incidents and lies. I was even accused of trying to kidnap my own child and brain washing him yet it was her that filed for adoption before Adams body was cold and I hadn’t been notified for weeks he was dead. So by that point Mackenzie was untouchable.  To say certain family members of that family ostracized me is an understatement. I was uninvited to my own baby shower then at last minute she hosted one but too late to invite my friends and family. She took my wedding dress but decided she wouldn’t make HER baby’s christening gown out of that whores dress. Then again at the last minute pushed for us to have the christening away from my family and our friends. Even Adams life long best friend.

In my current marriage- and this may ruffle feathers but it’s my blog. When I first married Rick his family was very nice even though I hadn’t met them. As the years go on they don’t ackowledge our kids on holidays or birthdays or whenever.... except ONE aunt and cousin. Even my stepson seems ungrateful.
This past Christmas I saw a message in a Facebook group asking where to find help giving Christmas for her teen daughter. I know Toys for Tots doesn’t give donations for teens. As a past lesson from my first life where I depended on donations at times so I teach my kids to give. They enjoy it. So this particular girl is jeanette’s age. So we bought almost everything this teen asked for. Then Christmas Eve I was spending Christmas with my out of town guests and we were having Christmas dinner and opening presents which they were grateful for... I got another message someone else needed a gift for their child. I just happen to have duplicates of one of Jeanette’s gifts so I rushed home to find it. Both mothers were full of Thank you’s and hugs- complete strangers to me. My stepson got married April of 2017 so I thought it would be nice if I sent a gift for him and his new bride. It was a thoughtful gift that Rick, myself, and Jeanette decided on. Yet we haven’t even gotten confirmation that he got it much less appreciation for the thought. My best friends children are always extremely grateful for visits and presents. These strangers were appreciative. Yet I’ve heard nothing from my “son?”
Knowing how it feels to be the black sheep. Knowing that my kids don’t have realitives that acknowledge them hardly if at all and seeing people talk about how their own child isn’t given a gift for holidays yet their other child is... just astounds me! You can think what you want of an adult but why make their children pay the debt?
As I said I sat with my dear friends on Christmas Eve and they opened up gifts I think from their great aunt? Probably their uncle as well and I did sit there in think of this is what society would call a blended family how would the relatives treat the blended children and better yet what do the adults do about it? How would you react? How would they react? How should they react? I couldn’t help amongst the joy a dark shroud of that dark place I’ve faced most of my life of not being included in some way shape or form and how that feels to a child? A family is a family whether by blood or love the way God designs it. Would you ask that all your children be included (blood/bonus/love) or no ones included why or why not?
I think I have a hard time with the concept of feeling like the one person...