The loss of more than a legend.

Just a week or two before his death when I found out he was in rehab I cried on Rick's shoulder..."A life without Robin would be dark", I said. I don't know how many people know Robin's background but he was the last one to see his best friend John Belushi alive. He also didn't have a great childhood he looked up to his father and always strived to be perfect but he was also molested (not by his father) he had a long period where he was being sexually abused. Many people don't know he attended Juilliard School on a full scholarship where he met his life long friend Christopher Reeve. He wasn't just an actor with great comedic timing and improv skill he was a very loving, giving person. After all despite his demons he always wanted to make the world laugh and even cry. Through out my childhood he helped me find courage and strength through my difficult times and encouragement to fight my demons. I have always referred to him as my light. I don't know what he was thinking the day he took his own life... We can only speculate his demons got the best of him, He didn't think he could live through Parkinson's, But I felt that day was a very dark one until his daughter released a statement that his time here isn't over his light lives on as long as we shine it for him. I have been reading Patrick Swayze's biography written by him and read by him and it makes me hunger to wish that Robin would have written a book before he passed but that is selfish of me that maybe he wasn't ready to write of his demons as Patrick felt cathartic doing so... No I didn't personally know Robin but I haven't mourned so much for someone that isn't my first husband, or parent, or grand parent as I have for Robin. I still cry for the loss like right now. All we can do is enjoy the work we do have, Cherish the imprint he has left on our hearts and let his light shine through us to others. Lets not forget Suicide Prevention is real 1 (800) 273-8255... Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Its letting the demons win. Prayers for Zelda, Cody and Zak on this day. Oh captain, my captain! Robin I got this I will be the lighthouse now... you rest in peace.

Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time¹

^{You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point?} 

I'll wait, I'll wait

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Little do you know

I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

Little do you know

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies ¹

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait

I love you like I've never felt the pain,

Just wait

I love you like I've never been afraid,

Just wait

Our love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait (I'll wait)

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies

---

1 FOOTNOTE^{↩ Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra}