Lane Bryant contest

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Nothings of a Wallflower

My inner dialogue may be the death of me. I live by a saying. I was born an original. I was born to stand out not fit in. I tell my kids this and they’d rather fit in. God didn’t design them to and they don’t. (Shrugs) Yes, my daughter dyes her hair like lights in Time Square and just wants to fit in. Doesn’t just want to fit in she wants to blend in. I’m not in high school anymore. I find that I don’t have time or patience for nonsense and drama. I have tied to put myself out there… I thought I connected with those popular kids/adults. I even married a wallflower. I still get rejected. As an army wife, they could be very cliquish. Especially with my husband’s job or the jobs related to his job. Well, that’s the only experience I have with military life and one military post. The military wives were actually welcoming for the most part. I met great people. I just didn’t fit in the mold. Then we moved to Madison. Fate had lent me a connection. All the pieces were there, neighbors, children almost exactly the same age down to the month. Then I was hurt and betrayed. At the same time, I was also hurt by my then-best Army Wife friend. I had so wanted a female friend that liked to do the same things as me… shopping, spa days, getting our nails done. Whatever… after that betrayal I stopped. This very extroverted person closed herself off and became an introverted homebody. I focused on the gifts God gave me that I can depend on. My best friend Jennifer I met in 2003 and Michelle whom I met in 2011? They set the standard for friends for me. If you can’t give me what they give me then I don’t have time for you. Not meaning that harsh I still make time for acquaintances I just don’t invest my energy into being something I’m not. I think doing that would be a disservice to both people. I’ve struggled way too much in my life with not belonging. Even my parents didn’t want me. Trying to fit in at school and at church was nearly impossible since I had my disabilities and physical issues. I often asked myself what was wrong with me? Wasn’t I enough? Was I not something they wanted? Many times, I am the friend people confide in, I am the person they complain to. I sit there listen and give my life tips and inside wonder why they don’t see me right under their nose. I am always the person who isn’t noticed. That isn’t considered. I am the last kid picked at P.E.to be on the team. I am the kid the teacher forced you to do a team project with. Why am I invisible? Inadequate. Odd. Not Good Enough. Alone. Disposable. I don’t strive to be a wallflower I am imperfectly and wonderfully made. I want to be noticed. I think even subconsciously I have looked for negative attention because I felt invisible. When all I wanted was you to notice me.

consequences and truths

I’m no stranger to consequences and truths. I’ve had to pay for my consequences for two decades dealing with Mackenzie. People were afraid of how I would react when my own son rejected me and I survived. I’ve never hid the truth. I have nothing to lose by telling him the truth. THEY have everything to lose by saying the truth to him. I have made some mistakes in my life especially during my early 20’s. I don’t make excuses for that time in my life. I’ve tried to make amends for those. I don’t use or abuse alcohol or drugs to run away from issues, I have no problem telling the truth, accepting consequences and owning my truth and my mistakes. What I did two decades ago doesn’t define me and I hope I’m not that person anymore but I still take the consequences.

Lost in thought

If someone is hot and cold with me part of me thinks I should take it at face value and act accordingly. First of all its hard to act accordinly when they are hot and cold. Secondly I can't really trust my own thinking. I am an overthinker. Sometimes I am irrational. I struggle with depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Tonight it seems insomnia and over thinking are winning the battle. I feel like part of me should take things at face value and my actions should be equivent to that. That would go along with assuming the message they are sending and I act accordingly. The problem is I can't really fully trust my own thinking. If I am over thinking or being irrational how do I act accordingly? The other part of me thinks I have to wait for some sign from somewhere or be told. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just be me as an individual? I should just do what I think is best and let pieces fall where they may? I am a people pleaser in someways though and making people happy is what fullfills me, even at a detriment to myself. This is how I am my own worst enemy I suppose. I just wanted to get these thoughts down even at not even 3 am in the morning so I have them for therapy too.

Letters to Myself- You had the best of intentions.

Dear Bella,

    From the very start you had the best of intentions of being an amazing parent to your children. You were a young twenty-one year old when you became a real mother, not just for pretend. You had big plans for their future but you were ill prepared for a world yourself. You still had the best of intentions and you tried your best. You followed advice from people you thought you could trust. You wanted to give your children the whole world and you tried making good on that promise but your life didn't pan out as you planned. "Best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Some people may think are a deadbeat parent, a looser, or worse because you don't always get things right. Please remember that there are many more people who's opinion is that you are a good mother. The opinions that matter most are Jeanette and William who show you that you are a good mother. They trust you, they confide in you, they want to be around you- sometimes a little too often. They are watching you, they see you for who you really are. A mother trying with the best of intentions. You may not always get things right. You may not always get perfection but you are trying your best despite things going up against you and them. You get up and fight even when there is no fight left. That's what matters. There are children that you didn't give birth to you that trust you and come to you when the world has rough storms. That means something. Maybe one day Mackenzie will give you a chance and know truths. The opinions of those who don't know you don't matter. Those who don't matter pay no mind to and don't let it stop you from having the best of intentions.

Happy 21st birthday Mackenzie

New blog series! Letters to myself.

Dear Bella,

    Healthy relationships don't make you question your worth. Just because you stop being loyal or giving all you have to give that doesn't mean your not worth loving. Stop being loyal to someone who is inconsistent with you. Some people will not recognize your loyalty because they themselves aren't a loyal person. Stop apologizing to someone who treats you like shit. Show other people your value. You deserve that apology. Some people come into your life to show you what love isn't. Madea says "Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows- they're over here. They're unstable. It blows the other way- now they're over there. The seasons change and they wither and die. They're gone. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You've got to be careful about them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong, but the minute you step out there on them they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed. Because they're the kind of people that ain't going nowhere. They ain't worried about being seen. Don't nobody have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there that tree couldn't live." Stop being impressed by minimal effort. Sometimes doing what is best for you won't feel the best for you. Its going to hurt. Its going to hurt a lot. Lessons are that way. They hurt so that you learn from them. 

Loyalty

I have been described by people as thoughtful, selfless, loyal, and compassionate. I think I am a very loyal person. It takes A  LOT of things to cause me to actually cut ties with a person. One thing that is guaranteed to get me pushed over the bridge and have me burn that bitch down? Get my kids involved. That will get you cut out real quick. I am fiercely protective over my children. I am a GOOD and DECENT person and try to be everyday. I TRY to become a better person everyday. Today I learned something about loyalty. I woke up at 2 or 3:00 am to 15 missed calls and 100's of texts from a "friend" who was drinking and as he usually does he blows up my phone when he drinks and when he gets in a spat with his ex wife. *backspaced a long vent that is inconsequential that wasn't one made by a good and decent Christian LOL *  I then found out his ex wife went to the Hospital ER to have an MRI and let her young children wonder around a busy hospital parking lot, 4 lane highway... because she didn't feed them and they were hungry. I woke up MY daughter, my husband got ready, got the other child and the dog and drove two cars (I cannot drive at the moment). So we could go pick up her kids. Where from that point both people made me out to be the bad guy. The one that hasn't rushed to their side for years. I have taken them in. Given them money. Given them food to eat. I have been a good steward. I have been loyal and kind. Okay honestly as kind as my very unfiltered mouth can be. For THEM though I stay very reserved, I push things down. I turned my cheek to the betrayal etc. Forget it. Its not even MY feelings that are paramount here... Its MY children and THEIR children. I can build my children up. I can repair some of the damage they do to them but I am helpless with as much as they destroy and wound their children. *should I backspace here too heh?* Broken kids make broke adults.

Anyways back to the topic its not even just about these particular people in my life but also my sister and others that have betrayed me, wounded me (or my children), Disrespected me. Then turn around and make me the bad guy? I give up my last slice of bread and you say I AM THE BAD GUY? I couldn't figure it out. Then epiphany.... I am the bad guy because they don't recognize loyalty. To one person their definition of loyalty is never showing them that they are wrong. To another it may be giving in to every whim. To another it may be lying, deception, and manipulation. Those aren't the definition of loyalty. So I am the bad guy here because no matter what I do I will be the one disloyal to them because they don't recognize a loyal person because they aren't one themselves.

I am a person that has your back even when the wounds are fresh in mine where you stabbed me. But if you don't recognize that then I guess you won't recognize how once-in-a-lifetime it is to have unconditional love given and real loyalty? I don't know I have been on the soul search myself about unconditional love since I have never had it from people who shared my genes, my blood, whom fill my memories. So I treasure the even THOUGHT of a person being like myself to someone like me.

Tinker Bell

On the 16th we had to say goodbye to one of our family. Tinker Bell was 13 years 11 months and 1 day old. She was all Jeanette's and has been since Jeanette was 4 years old. This is a challenging transition for Skylar to not have her baby great her whenever she goes to her room. This is the blog from when we got Tink.