What Hurts the Most by Rascall Flatts

 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

Its been a rainy tough day today. I can take the rain and storms any day. The rain is not what bothers me. I can take a few tears now and then. Songs like this certianly have triggered my blogging bug and my emo bug. I can take the tears and let them out. They don't burn my cheeks but going on everyday without you still stings. Your not here to hold. Your not here to share my fears with. I open up to you still but its just not the same.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

The scars from this deployment will run deep maybe forever maybe they will heal. Memories like when the last time I took you to the airport have left scars that I didn't know existed until I heard this song. I hold a certain amount of regret from Midtour. I just try to think about the Memories we have made since our first days together in 2007. The wonderful places we have been. The things we have experienced together that I wouldn't want to experience with no one else. The thoughts that still linger are the words that are left unsaid, the memories that are left undone, The to-do list that just seems to be longer, our wishes and goals ungranted. The fact that with strength I didn't know I had I let you walk on that airplane the last time I took you to the airport. The devistation, the panic, the broken heart after you got on the plane. I couldn't find you. With Skylar and James sitting there wondering where you had gone to. The fact that I had to leave the airport with words unsaid and without one last kiss. Has left so much on my soul.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

I still can't say that us Silent Ranks have the hardest job in the army. Having put my life on hold. Watching soldiers everywhere I turn is a painful reminder of you being gone. I am proud to stand beside a Marine, An Airman, or a Soldier (Not to many Navy in these parts.) There are days when I act like I am ok and I just want to scream I am Fine!!! But there is so much hidden pain. Its hard to deal with the pain. Its hard to force a smile for the kids on some occasions. Its hard to smile when people smile at me. When people thank me for what you do. When they have no real clue the sacrafice. You know that Bulletin/email that goes around that talks about why soldiers go days without showers? A girl online asked me why don't you have water. They really have no clue that you do without the most basic needs. That you would take a kiss and a hug over a shower anyday. Everyday I have to get up and get dressed and live my life and everyday its another challenge to face "alone". The day you walked away I would go back and do so much differently. Midtour would be different. I would be different. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much pain. The tears in my eyes don't sting so much but the burden on my heart and soul never fades. The sting of watching you disappear in the airport that day has left some deep scars. The fact that I neglected you so much on Midtour, How can I forgive myself?

Tomorrow I have to wake up and relive all this over again. I have to walk beside these wives that aren't so proud as I am. These people that just don't get it sadly. We have been overseas for so long and people just don't want to understand what you are put through. People don't understand us left waiting feel everyday that you are gone.

Damn straight I know I am strong. I know that I have come along way in a year. I know that this is over soon. I finally realized what I have accomplished and I know what I do that makes you hold on. I know that my strength has finally appeared in my eyes. I will forever be strong for you. My tears I shed aren't a sign of weakness and my fears don't make me weak either because I am willing to face them with you beside me if not in body in spirit. If you didn't love me as much as you do I don't know how this would be. I love you. I will be here waiting.

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that’s what I was tryin to do

Army Wives

I was sitting here doing my usual thing and talking to Rick online. His connection wasn't stable so we got interupted a few times. I stumbled across video blogs from Military Wives. Particularly this one She some how got on my Myspace profile when I added Roxie Dean's A Soldier's wife song...

http://www.youtube.com/coldhardbitch85.

On the side where it lets you choose similar video's to watch they had an Army Wives Music Video from the TV Show set to Far Away by Nickelback.

Far Away an Army Wives Music Video

Then of course since I relate mostly to Roxy from the show I clicked on all the Roxy/Trevor Clips. I don't know if its just me but I kept thinking wow she plays the part real well  or is it just me because I see my thoughts in her head. All those troubles, concerns, and such as Trevor deployed. I started to tear up a bit. Shew I don't know if I am going to be able to handle the second season next month of Army Wives. God forbid something happens to Trevor on the show I would be royally pissed! LOL Lifetime would never hear the end of me lmao.

Trevor and Roxy Slipped away Army Wives

Then I found an Army Wives Music video of A Soldiers Wife and it got to me thinking some more... but of course. Between Rachel's Vlog's and my own experiences. I think that the TV does portray some of what we go through to the people who would otherwise have no clue. Believe me there are some out there. There are some Military Wives who still haven't gotten their first clue. Like I have mentioned in previous blogs there are people who tell me man I would love it if my s/o was out of my hair. Yeah sometimes I wish for Rick to get out of my hair but never that far for that long LOL. A deployment is normally NOT a blessing and its not a comforting thing to hear. Maybe its just because Rick and I do enjoy spending ALOT of time together that we don't feel that way. We still haven't gotten past the honeymoon stage and I kinda of hope I never do. But believe me for myself deployment isn't a day that goes by that I say man I am glad hes' not here. I used to be miserable when he was on duty or when he had Casulity Assistance Officer duty. But now I've learned. He can go out for a week or two with training (Pray not as soon as he gets home however lol) He can go out in the field. There won't be a bitch or a gripe from my lips. Anywhere stateside for up to a month is better than this. *sigh* I am just rambling some thoughts. So I will go for now and do some housework. Pray for my husband and Alex's safety. Thankfully they are alive and they will come home.

Social Networks

Almost all of us have tried Myspace, Yahoo 360, or Facebook admist the bad publicity. So how many do you have a profile on? How many do you actually keep up with? I admit I don't keep up with all mine or even know how to log into all mine anymore. But I decided to sign up for one more. Its called 3gb.
So click the link and take a look
join 3gb community www.3gb.biz
https://payperpost.com

In Support of Our Troops

Rick and I were talking online the other day. He shared and article about the bombing of the USS Cole. That happened before 9/11 months before 9/11. Al-Qaida is responsible for that as well. Yemen where the bombing took place free's our prisoners and the FBI and CIA aren't having an easy time cooperating with the Yemen's government.

I have heard people say we were roped into this war in Iraq because the President fed on our Patriotism after 9/11. My opinion is its untrue. I see the kind in people till they show me the ugly. After reading this article I think its late coming on our attack on al-Qaida.

You can not like who's running for office or who is currently in office. Since our President has the lowest approval in history. But there is no excuse for not having patriotism. Sometimes we support family members we don't approve of. Sometimes we support each other not in the best situations. Sometimes we find things we like in an un likeable situation. You can find ways to Support the person(s) in office even though we don't approve. You can ALWAYS support the troops. There is no reason not to. That's not coming from an Army Wife, Mom and an Air Force Brat that's coming from a logical thinker.

Promised me the Moon

He promised me the moon even if he couldn't deliver. Thats ok I don't need the moon I just need him.

I signed up for PPP!

So My Buddy Crystal and I are always looking for opportunities out there in he world to make a little extra cash. Plus this is a good way to give me subject matter to post about. So you can find Crystal's blog here .....http://favorite-hello.blogspot.com/ and while your looking around check out her Ebay store Mix of Everything (Scrapbooking, Electronics, Clothes, etc). So enough with the shameless promotion of my friend LOL. This is my first PPP post. What's PPP you ask? Well since I am new to the company I don't have alot of answers for you LOL. But feel free to sign up on the website here https://payperpost.com. From what I understand they give you topics to blog about under there terms and you get paid to post on your blog. So I make a little extra money and entertain my blog friends. So if you happen to see a random post that isn't about deployment or life then feel free to comment and just go on about your way. I rarely get comments anyways. I do so enjoy them though!

So once again I think this Payperpost thing is a good idea and you should check it out if you are an avid blogger. Or just would like to make extra money. Details listed on the site. Crystal and I are going to give it a try and see what we can do with this idea. I hope you keep reading my blog and enjoying my posts. Comments and Suggestions are loved!

If you sign up for PPP or would like your blog added to my blog roll then be sure to notify me. I would love to read all about your world. Especially if your a military wife as well or just a parent experiencing the JOYS of parenting. My interesting include Scrapbooking, Working with Paint Shop Pro, Animals, The military of course I have pride in my husband and step son's jobs. Yes I am a Military "Alpha" Mom as my friend calls me.