My inner dialogue may be the death of me. I live by a saying. I was born an original. I was born to stand out not fit in. I tell my kids this and they’d rather fit in. God didn’t design them to and they don’t. (Shrugs) Yes, my daughter dyes her hair like lights in Time Square and just wants to fit in. Doesn’t just want to fit in she wants to blend in. I’m not in high school anymore. I find that I don’t have time or patience for nonsense and drama. I have tied to put myself out there… I thought I connected with those popular kids/adults. I even married a wallflower. I still get rejected. As an army wife, they could be very cliquish. Especially with my husband’s job or the jobs related to his job. Well, that’s the only experience I have with military life and one military post. The military wives were actually welcoming for the most part. I met great people. I just didn’t fit in the mold. Then we moved to Madison. Fate had lent me a connection. All the pieces were there, neighbors, children almost exactly the same age down to the month. Then I was hurt and betrayed. At the same time, I was also hurt by my then-best Army Wife friend. I had so wanted a female friend that liked to do the same things as me… shopping, spa days, getting our nails done. Whatever… after that betrayal I stopped. This very extroverted person closed herself off and became an introverted homebody. I focused on the gifts God gave me that I can depend on. My best friend Jennifer I met in 2003 and Michelle whom I met in 2011? They set the standard for friends for me. If you can’t give me what they give me then I don’t have time for you. Not meaning that harsh I still make time for acquaintances I just don’t invest my energy into being something I’m not. I think doing that would be a disservice to both people. I’ve struggled way too much in my life with not belonging. Even my parents didn’t want me. Trying to fit in at school and at church was nearly impossible since I had my disabilities and physical issues. I often asked myself what was wrong with me? Wasn’t I enough? Was I not something they wanted? Many times, I am the friend people confide in, I am the person they complain to. I sit there listen and give my life tips and inside wonder why they don’t see me right under their nose. I am always the person who isn’t noticed. That isn’t considered. I am the last kid picked at P.E.to be on the team. I am the kid the teacher forced you to do a team project with. Why am I invisible? Inadequate. Odd. Not Good Enough. Alone. Disposable. I don’t strive to be a wallflower I am imperfectly and wonderfully made. I want to be noticed. I think even subconsciously I have looked for negative attention because I felt invisible. When all I wanted was you to notice me.
