101st Airborne Beer Cheese Soup
1 large can chicken broth
1 medium jar cheese whiz
1 can stale beer
Cayenne pepper to taste
Heat broth to boiling, reduce heat, add cheese whiz, stir till melted, add
Beer and reheat, but do not boil. Top with bacon bits and green onions
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Army Wives
Claudia Joy:
To rejoin life is to accept what's happened, but I can't accept it. I can't move forward; I can't turn back. So I hold my breath, living in a suspended state of existence.
Trevor:
But what do you do when you're told that no mail can go out for a week, due to security concerns? You get out a pen and paper anyway. Dear Roxy, I'm here. And by the time you get this letter, I might be somewhere else. Iraq has got to be the dryest place on Earth. Baby, there's no preparing for this - no books, no pictures, no training. Just the reality. It makes me wonder if sometimes you'd be better off if I never brought you into this crazy life.
Claudia Joy:
Everything that was familiar is now unfamiliar. What was light is now dark, and the world seems a vast and unfriendly place.
Trevor:
Death is everywhere here, in what you smell, hear, see, feel. And somehow, you're supposed to just put it all away, forget you saw it, move on. Is this hell?
Claudia Joy:
Or is hell never to love again?
Army Wives Season 2 Episode 2 Quotes from the Begining of the show.
"To rejoin life is to accept what's happened, but I can't accept it. I can't move forward; I can't turn back. So I hold my breath, living in a suspended state of existence." I will never try and compare myself to someone who has dealt with the death of a child but I feel this quote in my situation as well. I have moments where I feel like a failure. That I need to give up on bringing Mackenzie home. That my heart just wants to say its been too long. Then I bleed out and say I know I am in a better way now and I can be the mother I've tried to be to him. So yes I can live in a suspended state of existence. Sometimes I feel like time and life are suspended while Rick is away while he is deployed. The pain of facing the changes and how time goes by without him seem easier to not deal with them. So when someone asks about my Summer plans? I just say what Summer? Rick isn't here.
But what do you do when you're told that no mail can go out for a week, due to security concerns? You get out a pen and paper anyway. Dear Roxy, I'm here. And by the time you get this letter, I might be somewhere else. Iraq has got to be the dryest place on Earth. Baby, there's no preparing for this - no books, no pictures, no training. Just the reality. It makes me wonder if sometimes you'd be better off if I never brought you into this crazy life.
Have I thought that Rick has questioned this himself? Should he have brought Skylar and I into this life? I can reassure him with a yes! Not only because we have made a life with our soul mates but because I have a better life now than I did in Georgia. A better relationship. I can drive myself and I have reached some goals. Skylar and I are being taken care of. Is it worth surviving this deployment? Eh Yes and No. Would i do it again HELL YEAH!
Everything that was familiar is now unfamiliar. What was light is now dark, and the world seems a vast and unfriendly place.
Claudia Joy's words strike such a deep part in my soul. So real I couldn't have written them myself.
Death is everywhere here, in what you smell, hear, see, feel. And somehow, you're supposed to just put it all away, forget you saw it, move on. Is this hell?
Even if your out there deployed and you are one of the lucky ones to not have to be on the front lines or see death. I still can't imagine living life through Rick's eyes. Seeing the people that he see's or even the things he see's. When seeing an animal is the high light of his day and makes things alot more sane. Culture Shock? Yes but to the extreme. Then he has to come back here and live his life as he did before and not think about wasting a plate of food that a child where he is be hungry for it. At least I hope most people wouldn't take their life in the states for granted after seeing the hardships of other countries.
Or is hell never to love again?
For those who watched the show. I think this is one of my favorite TV Moments. The way as my husband puts it Claudia Joy is awash in Water and Trevor is awash in the dirty and desert. Both aching for the one's they love. I just get weepy.
red dye
I am not sure most of the people out there hear about the controversy over Red Dye 40 in our foods. The Princess in the family is a very active little girl. Mostly normal like most children. She's not ADD or ADHD by any means she can sit through a movie and often becomes hypnotised by the cartoons. I do not believe she has ADHD most of the time I have my moments though! HAHA! Well a few years ago I worked with someone who's son does have ADHD. She was my boss and I was talking to the two managers. They told me sugar doesn't affect ADHD children its the Red Dye in their food. So the older and more active Skylar got I finally saw proof of this. When she has eaten or drank something with Red Dye in it. She is uncontrollable even to herself. She would literally bounce off the walls and tell you she doesn't know why she has to do it. Not to mention her mouth moves faster than her brain and most of her words don't make sense. So of course I want my child to not bounce out of her own skin so I avoid giving her anything with Red Dye when I can help it. Now if she wants a certain snack or treat with Red Dye I do let her have them but at a very limited amount. Such as yesterday she had a pop tart without asking. I mean I knew she had gotten one because she showed me a free offer on the box. Last night she was sooooo Hyper. Her brother asked me well did she have Pop Tarts today. Ok crazy me didn't check the ingredients in Pop Tarts. Last Night I did yes it does have Red Dye 40 in it. So maybe not all children get crazy like the Princess when she is "high" on Red Dye. Maybe she just has an allergy or sensitivity to it. I have even found it in her cold syrup and or cough medicine. Imagine how hard it is to find allergy medicine that is dye free thats NOT Benedryl. The doctor told me not to give her Benedryl. Finally I found Zyrtec with no dyes! YEAH! She can have flavored bottled water but not the type you pour into your water and mix with the exception of Lemonade which the jury is still out about.
Its that Time of the Deployment
Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.
James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!
As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!
Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.
The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.
We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.
There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.
As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.
Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!
So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....
To Be Continued.
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