Listen to my words

Why don't you learn to listen to the words that come out of my mouth and not out of your own head.

Thankful Thursday

It is the third day of November just three weeks before Thanksgiving. My daughter brings us homework from school for us (my husband and I) to write what we are thankful for. I truly believe if you expect your prayers to be answered you have to be thankful for what our heavenly father has given us to begin with. You also have to be thankful when he answers your prayers but its not exactly what you hoped for. You should even be thankful for unanswered prayers because he has his reasons. Just like a parent to a child we say no for our reasons because we know better and most of the time we are doing it to protect the child or teach them.

on the first day of November I was worried about my husband's health. I am thankful I have a husband to worry about. I am thankful that he seems to be healthy even if he has some concerns. He was diagnosed with a Kidney Stone on the 29th and it still has not passed, then his eyes started to jaundice and the emergency room said he had Pink eye which I doubt they were right... that still doesn't explain the Jaundice.

on the second day of November I am thankful for a woman by the name of Sherron Ostrander she is an answered prayer I have been praying for... for years. I have prayed for years a way to help my step son James and she has given me some resources to get me well along my way. I think I heard this sound when the email came in last night

on the third day of November I am thankful that my husband can return to work after a week of being home. As thankful as I am for a husband we can have too much time together hehe. He was slightly getting on my nerves. Distance makes the heart grow fonder even if its only for a 20 mile distance for 8-10 hours haha! I am thankful that he is healthy enough to go back to work after causing quite the concern on Halloween. I am thankful his job at Northrop is there for him to go back to and they let him do some of his work from home. I am thankful for my dirty dishes (well they may be clean by now) because it means I have food thanks to the US Army and Northrop Grumman. I am thankful for my messy lived in house because without NG & the Army I wouldn't be able to be here. I owe my house to the US Army and my husband's dedicated service. I am thankful for my dirty clothes because it means at least I can afford the clothes on my back. My children have books to read, snacks to eat, movies to watch, the greatest technology at their finger tips, toys to play with.... providing for my children makes me grateful and thankful.

Now apparently I smell a diaper that needs to be changed. My son has left me a gift for which I am Thankful lol

Happy Birthday James!

*Please scroll over the mosaic to see the different pictures*

Happy 23rd Birthday James! 

You've only known me a little over 3 years. When I came into your life we were probably unsure about each other. I wonder what you thought about me when you got the phone call that your dad was bringing home a girl to meet you. Oh and she had a daughter with her as well. We were probably both just as nervous. I didn't really know what to expect so at the time I didn't know what expectations you had if any. The first year of just the two of us together was quite the challenge. We had our ups and our downs but the blessing was that since Alex and Rick weren't there we learned about each other. We bonded in our own special way. There were times when I was so frustrated with you and ready to give in and give up. Something kept me there though. Something stronger than I can ever fathom. Then when Alex came back from his duty and your dad came back from Iraq there was much more than we needed to learn and a lot of work to do. But we survived it. We survived the first year living together as strangers and even had good times. We survived the second year and its challenges. I've learned to listen to you not just talk at you. I have learned a lot from you and watched you grow and mature. I know you probably don't think so. You don't like working at Burger King and thats understandable. Your just twenty-three and there is a big world out there for you! I wish you the best for the years to come and I pray you take paths YOU want to take. Let the fear of failure go and know the biggest failure is the one to yourself when you don't try.

I love you.

"Not Me Monday"

 It wasn't me that HAD to have the Shark Steam Mop and I am sadly disappointed in it and would sell it for about $40 to anyone who wanted it LOL.

 
I should have gotten the Hoover!

It wasn't my child who was banging it on the floor mopping his bathroom with it. When I tried to explain you use it like when you steam clothes with an iron that he had never ironed clothes before. 22 years old and never used an iron? Say WHAT? I looked at Rick and said your in BIG trouble!

William's Birth Story and More

My month was jam packed planned filled for the month. Not a lot of time to do nothing. We were house shopping, We were working on Rick's retirement orders, We had to juggle the kids, a possible trip back home, TDY trips to Kentucky every time we breathed. Of course preparing for William. The doctor said my best bet was to lay low and keep cool at 36 weeks Gestational due to Skylar arriving early. So basically I had all my time lines that I had control over to be done by 36 weeks gestation. We ended up being surprised by this new house on the market we literally put an offer on it the day after it was listed. We pushed for his retirement orders to be approved and that all happened within a few weeks. We also had to move all of our stuff. Of course the Army pays for your "Retirement move" but again I couldn't do nearly anything to help out. We closed on the house in 21st of July. We moved James in and some of our own stuff the 22nd and 23rd of July. The packers from Covan started packing us on the 24th of July. I started feeling every night that I might be having contractions I wasn't sure what was going on just sharp pains in my cervix and slight cramping. I had a doctors appointment and he just said basically that we would go ahead with our scheduled C-section that I wanted because I was afraid to go natural due to not having exact records of Skylar's c-section. I really wanted a VBAC but since I did have major complications during Skylar's c-section with her low low apgars, my own scar tissue being a problem. While Covan packed our house on Monday and Tuesday I kept my feet up and just directed traffic sorta speak. On Wednesday I came out to the new house and started working here a bit. Friday was household goods delivery. The pain was still like clock work every night at 9 PM or so it was almost unbearable but I could just breathe through it and rest. By the Weekend it was getting hard for me to hide it from Skylar though.
Sunday at the spur of the moment I was feeling very insecure about leaving Skylar for the first time in years (only other time she was left over night was when she was 6 months old with my adopted mother and biological sister) So I decided it would make ME feel better to know and show James and Rick where everything is in the hospital so they wouldn't have to ask. I know they won't lol. We took a tour of L&D and they explained to James each different step (as well to us) I told him I would give him lots of dollars for vending and he could go down to the cafeteria once my ball got rolling around lunch time to eat lunch with Skylar. I wanted him to feel that I prepared him the best I could.

Monday I went into the hospital to go ahead with the c-section. On August 3rd. They got me started in L&D Triage. My nurse was Amanda and she was pretty cool and off the beaten path which I like in professionals because I know they won't be so professional lol. She made us feel super comfortable. I was having contractions all along but they weren't consistent. They were 5 minutes to 8 minutes apart. I said hey Dr Conrad why not just check me to make sure that I am not in active labor? He said no he didn't want to mess with my cervix and he would tell it to stop lol.. He said we needed to do a Vaginal ByPass. I called him a party pooper. Noon came to quickly. They brought me in the OR where I met the anesthesiologist team. At this point I was very nervous about the Spinal Epidural. The one I had with Skylar didn't work and they ended up having to give me General. I have never taken an Epidural when I wasn't already in pain. I was contracting but it really felt like hard movements from William nothing painful just uncomfortable.I let them prep me and I was getting upset and crying because I was scared of it. They offered to give me General. I said no I had to get a grip and do this because it was best for William. I hyperventilated a bit and they were about to get the OB on the phone when I let them try. I had gotten three local anesthesia shots to numb the area where the Spinal went and they hurt bad but I didn't ever feel the spinal. I felt the C-section over all but it was no pain what so ever. They brought Rick in while I was getting worked on and he watched the whole thing. I kept asking him what he saw and he didn't say much except well your water just broke and wow that's a funny smell LOL ( I guess they burn stuff while they are in there lol) Then my big boy William came into the world and he came out screaming of course. Rick followed him to observation where they would clean him up and they brought him back to me to kiss a couple of times. He weighed 8 lbs 2 ounces and was 18 inches long. His Apgars were 8 and 9. Everything looked good on him. I had too many blood clots and kept passing them. They had to work on me about another 30 minutes. Dr Conrad had to come back and he literally touched me and they stopped lol. I went to recovery for a little while then to my room for the kids to meet their brother who was and is thriving!

My Stormy Aries SELF!!

Today I am a roller coaster honestly.

I got a myspace message that sounds weird or off and I think it means my first boyfriend which is also one of my oldest friend died last night... I am too afraid to call his mama and find out...

I am freaking out over the baby... I really shouldn't but I feel so stupid. I mean I bought mostly winter clothes for the baby then I realized it will be 100 degree's when he is born so he might be too hot in the clothes I bought him so then I stressed my husband out by telling him I would need something else but it will be 100 degree's during the day and cool at night so what would the newborn wear? His little legs will be red and splotchy in a onesie... Then a light bulb went off and said if the PJ's I have for him are too warm then I will go buy him some little rompers then why worry about it now unless I can find them at yard sales or something.

Diapers and Breastfeeding are scaring me... The thought of a c-section (I am going to make sure a VBAC isn't an option AGAIN and AGAIN) being tied down for forty five minutes I just feel an anxiety attack will happen. Not being able to hold, nurse, or touch the baby because my arms have to be tied down. Oh god I want to cry.

Then James... I don't know what to do about James. I feel like I've been avoiding him for days because I don't know what to say to him. am so proud of my Jamesy for being so unselfish to buy a Pack N Play for us... No one asked him to. I mean that says so much I don't know if I could actually say it without breaking down into tears. I mean that means he accepts William and wants to help with him (he would never dream of holding him still I think!) It means he LOVES me and yeah I knew that because he doesn't verbally defend me but he does it in his own way (we've seen some of the stuff he writes about me), I always think of my self as an intruder or the evil step mother bitch because I give him structure and discipline. Its amazing you give someone discipline and they reward you with LOVE! He doesn't buy gifts but this was a BIG gift and I know what he wants and cannot afford so he could have bought something he wants for himself instead. I have asked him to even buy his dad a $20 DVD and he said no. But he told Rick he felt like an ass for forgetting Mothers Day (although he didn't get his mother anything and never does unless I remind him... He didn't even want to call her we did remind him to do that) He said he really wanted to help with William and didn't know how. He see's how stressed we are trying to come up with the money for everything. Its truly a gift an amazing gift that I never thought would happen with my adult step children... WOW

I had a blast at my baby shower on Sunday thanks to my Hostess Crystal and her little assistant Heather who helped with the decorations and cake... Thats so sweet of both of them. All my wonderful supportive Military Wife friends that came. Thank you to those who came and to those of who were there in spirit you know who you are.. You learn who your true friends are even asking for the simplistest thing.

Anyways I rambled yeah I had a great time. Rick was supposed to take pictures but didn't cause he's a goober.. And I have to figure out how to get them off my friends camera and on to my computer at some point but here are some pictures

I got gift cards from Pegan and Marissa as well as Rick's aunt sent me cash which will go straight into Williams savings account or piggy bank!

Thank you Jamesy

I woke up a little after 10 because I sensed someone was in my room. Wicked sense I've gotten since the deployment. My eyes immediately saw the words GRACO on a huge box. Jamesy felt bad he forgot about Mother's Day and wanted to help with William. So he wanted to buy something we really needed so he bought William http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3402604&CAWELAID=326907825. I couldn't sleep much after that my head is racing and he makes me so proud and I want to thank him I just don't know how :)

Research Points to Genetic Link in Autism

Research Points to Genetic Link in Autism
Scientists Unlock Groundbreaking Clues in Understanding Genetics of Autism
By JOHN DONVAN and CAREN ZUCKER
April 28, 2009—


Scientists have long known that people with autism have brains that work differently -- their brain activity doesn't follow the usual pathways for speech, thought or social interaction. Still, the lingering question has always been: why?

New research published in the online medical journal Nature today offers the best evidence yet that a major part of the answer is genetics.

For the first time, scientists have identified specific genetic mutations that lead to specific abnormalities in how brain cells communicate and carry messages in the brains of those with autism.

"The genes that were discovered appear to be involved in the development of the frontal lobe of the brain ... that is, involved in complex behavior such as social behavior and also abstract thought," said Dr. Geri Dawson, chief officer of Autism Speaks and co-author of the study. "So it helps us understand why people with autism have difficulty in the area of social interaction -- and also why they have a tendency to be so concrete and literal in their interpretation."

Autism, a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs social interaction, communication and behavior, tends to run in families. According to the National Institutes of Health, families with one autistic child have a one in five chance of having a second child with the disorder.

Scientists have long suspected a genetic underpinning for autism, but have had difficulty finding the link. Previous studies in families with identical twins have found that when one twin has autism, the odds are relatively strong that the other will too.

But the latest research -- one of the largest studies to date -- goes beyond twin studies, using cutting edge technology to examine and compare the DNA from more than 12,000 individuals affected by autism. Scientists pooled data together to gather a sample large enough.

Click Here to Visit the ABCNews.com OnCall+ Autism Center and Get Answers From Top Autism Experts.



Research Holds Promise for Future Cure
Erica Romano of Brooklyn, N.Y., volunteered her family for the study. As a mother of two sons with autism, Romano has strong convictions that autism involves genes.

"I have a third cousin who has Aspergers and a first cousin who has PDD/autism," she told ABC News. "I'm really hoping that this study sheds some light on the genetic factor."

By comparing the DNA of those with and without autism, researchers were able to identify several genes related to autism. Scientists say that autism, a complex disorder, could be caused by as many as 50 genes.

The findings point researchers in the right direction toward developing drugs to treat the disorder.

"What we're discovering in this study is that these genes appear to be affecting similar biochemical pathways in the brain, and so then, if we can develop drugs that can help to repair or restore that pathway, this eventually could be extremely helpful as a treatment," said Dawson.

For parents like Romano, the studies hold promise to change the destiny of those with autism by finding a cure. While it won't come overnight, this research opens the door to understanding the genetic mysteries of autism.

"There are so many steps down the road before we can develop these medications," Dawson said. "But this is the first step -- and without this step, we would never get there."




Copyright © 2009 ABC News Internet Ventures

Inside the mind of a child with autism

Inside the mind of a child with autism

Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse April 16, 2009 02:43 PM
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that 1 out of 150 kids have autism, an increase from previous estimates. With autism now more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined, if your child isn't on the autism spectrum, chances are good that he or she knows (or will eventually know) someone who is.

April is National Autism Awareness month. We've discussed autism in general and resources for children and adults with ASD, but how do you help your child interact or socialize with someone on the spectrum?

Start by shattering the Rainman myth: Autism may be characterized by varying degrees of impaired social interaction or communication, but a little insight can go a long way toward making social situations easier. For example: "Birthday parties are an ideal way to introduce an autistic kid and his parents to your home," Paul Collins writes in Cookie Magazine, where he offers tips on hosting an child with autism. "They're the stuff he finds logical: presents, cake, things to climb on. What's not to get?"

Ellen Notbohm is the author of Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew, Ten Things Your Student with Autism Wishes You Knew, and The Autism Trail Guide: Postcards from the Road Less Traveled, all ForeWord Book of the Year finalists. She is also co-author of the award-winning 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, a columnist for Autism Asperger’s Digest and Children’s Voice, and a contributor to numerous publications and websites around the world.

The mother of a child with autism and another with ADHD, Notbohm's books provide an enlightening glimpse into the minds of children on the spectrum, and have been an eye-opener for many people who are coping with a new ASD diagnosis or wondering how to interact with a child with autism. This excerpt is from Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew and is posted here with permission from the author (please contact her for permission to reproduce in any way, including re-posting on the Internet).

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew
By Ellen Notbohm

Some days it seems the only predictable thing about it is the unpredictability. The only consistent attribute -- the inconsistency. There is little argument on any level but that autism is baffling, even to those who spend their lives around it. The child who lives with autism may look “normal” but his behavior can be perplexing and downright difficult.

Autism was once thought an “incurable” disorder, but that notion is crumbling in the face knowledge and understanding that is increasing even as you read this. Every day, individuals with autism are showing us that they can overcome, compensate for and otherwise manage many of autism’s most challenging characteristics. Equipping those around our children with simple understanding of autism’s most basic elements has a tremendous impact on their ability to journey towards productive, independent adulthood.

Autism is an extremely complex disorder but for purposes of this one article, we can distill its myriad characteristics into four fundamental areas: sensory processing challenges, speech/language delays and impairments, the elusive social interaction skills and whole child/self-esteem issues. And though these four elements may be common to many children, keep front-of-mind the fact that autism is a spectrum disorder: no two (or ten or twenty) children with autism will be completely alike. Every child will be at a different point on the spectrum. And, just as importantly – every parent, teacher and caregiver will be at a different point on the spectrum. Child or adult, each will have a unique set of needs.

Here are ten things every child with autism wishes you knew:

1.) I am first and foremost a child. My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.

As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be: Why try?

2.) My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:

My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!

My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.

Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing -- the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with "tunnel vision"), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3.) Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to). Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: “Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It’s time to go to lunch.” This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4.) I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.” Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.” When you say “Jamie really burned up the track,” I see a kid playing with matches. Please just tell me “Jamie ran very fast.”

Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

5.) Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there’s a flip side to this: I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called “echolalia.” I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

6.) Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations.

I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation” may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7.) Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.” Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8.) Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response. Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

9.) Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment.

Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10.) Love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..” You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you -- I am worth it.

And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

They may have had autism too.

The answer to Alzheimer’s, the enigma of extraterrestrial life -- what future achievements from today’s children with autism, children like me, lie ahead?

All that I might become won’t happen without you as my foundation. Be my advocate, be my friend, and we’ll see just how far I can go.

© 2005 Ellen Notbohm.To contact Ellen or explore her work, please visit http://www.ellennotbohm.com.



Lylah M. Alphonse is a Globe staff member and mom and stepmom to five kids. She writes about juggling career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day and blogs at Write. Edit. Repeat. E-mail her at lalphonse@globe.com.

Updates on the Family

Rick returned to work. Monday he had Peridontal Surgery and was on rest for three days. He's still hurting a bit and not able to chew correctly. Poor baby. My sciatic nerve is still hurting. I woke up at 1 am with a knot the size of a softball in my back. Rick literally fell asleep with his fist putting pressure on it and I could go back to sleep for a little while. Now my hip is just stiff and sore... Ugh its going to be a rough 100 days... I am doing Love Dare http://bellaslovedare.blogspot.com/
Alex sent a brief email to let us know he was still alive and got yahoo messenger. James has the day off today and he's still asleep he was a bit grumpy yesterday. Skylar went on a field trip today to the Railroad Museum and I feel HORRIBLE about not being able to go with her. Little William is still cooking away I went to the OB on Wednesday and he is measuring two weeks ahead and his heart rate is 150 heart beats per minute. http://anotherrecruitontheway.blogspot.com/

Photo's from Nashville

I will write the blog this evening

Clean House

I've been watching Clean House on the Style network all morning and it inspires me. YES I am not a good house keeper. I can do it when I am motivated and when I feel everyone is giving equal effort and really feel bad at the moment for hubby who takes on ALL the crap himself. He deligates chores to James and James likes to give his own ultimatiums about doing chores. This doesn't go over well with me but I am tired of the back lash I get from always going between James and Rick. If Rick wants to take James' back talk then I guess he doesn't care. He doesn't show he cares about taking on the brunt of the housework. He doesn't care that James doesn't have respect. Yeah I am saying it. I mean it and Rick knows how I feel.

I love to be organized and I wish someone would give me the money to completely organize my house. Bookshelves and bookshelves of books and DVD's. Yeah thats my husband's treasure and no I don't feel he should have to get it up. It just needs space which military housing doesn't give. I do like to shop for clothes for Skylar. I don't think I shop for clothes for myself alot but there just isn't room in my closet that I share. I think the kids have a bigger closet than we do. I would love to see Skylar's clothes and toys organized and if i feel I am given adequate room and ability then I would disguard what doesn't fit. A few months ago I had Barbie stuff in the living room but it was well tucked away IMHO so no one would even know its there. Her doll house is thin and sticks in the foyer closet just perfect... well somehow it doesn't anymore :( The rule was that was the only toy allowed in the living room unless she had permission for something else. When she was done with it she was supposed to tell me or James for us to put it away and if she didn't put it away it would be moved to a place where she wouldn't be allowed to play with it. Her bedroom is very cluttered in space. There isn't much space in her room with all the bookshelves and dresser that needs repair. I just feel bad and wished I had help and some expertise on opening it up. Rick and I are at war, he's constantly bringing up purging Skylar's room with her toys because she doesn't play in it because she makes it a mess and being in my condition I just can't clean it up all the time and I am the only one allowed to clean it because no one would do it correctly. Toss here Toss there.. Throw away things I may have spent alot of money on. I think there is nothing wrong with a little girl having alot of dolls, bears, and stuffed animals. Thats what she plays with! But thats one of many of my goals to get our family more organized.

I need your help. Post pictures of how you keep your kids organized and in check. Skylar is 6 and doesn't like to play alot by herself but we are working on it since by August a lot of my time will be taken up by the new baby at least until we get into a groove. Do you limit the amount of dolls and stuff a little girl has? I don't think Skylar has TOOOO MUCH. She didn't have any toys 2 years ago when we moved here.

1 Year 2 Months and 18 days

I would like to thank you all for your support during our deployment. Its had ups and downs. Laughs and frustrations. I couldn't do it without my precious ladies from the Redstone Military Wives Meetup, The Waiting Spouses group. Mary Breeden from ACS, My Mommy Group on Yahoo Groups Bella's Mommy Chat, Various message boards and other Military Support Groups. My different battle buddies through out the year. Jessica Davis, Jess Rose, and my Betty. Captain Quinn and his wife Amy made a huge difference in my life. My neighbor whom I have been calling "CW" without you my Lady would be very unhappy LOL. Christa and Pegan always have time to listen and offer their advice when they can. I appreciate all they have done too! My Close friend Kristin has been an open ear for years before I became an Army Wife and I am sure she will always be there for me as I try to be for her. Crystal your a rock all on your own I love you!

To Rick's Friends and Family. Your loved by him and you have been there for me. Thank You. You've become part of me too!

To all those who thought I would never make it. You were wrong. I am stronger than ever, more independant than ever, and my marriage is the best its ever been and ever so much more growing with every word spoken.

A special appreciation to my husband my hero for working hard and making the sacrafices he has made. Not just as a Soldier but as a husband. James and Skylar have also inspired me and played a special part in giving me my daily strength and alot of lessons learned. I couldn't do this without you three very loved and special people to me.

Its that Time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.

James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.

There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him  about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.

As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.

Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!

So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....

To Be Continued.

 

Its that time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up.

James gave me an excuse today and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concered if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

Things I want to tell my children

First of all to Alexander and James. They are my boys. I may have only been in their life for 18 months but I care for them like I do my own kids. I carry the responsibility of making sure their needs are met. Yes they are adults but even adults need moms. I sure have in my life. I have heard so many times to count. James needs to be out on his own. You need to do this. You need to do that. But you know what? I know James. James and I have gotten pretty close partly because I am all he's got to lean on at times. James is far from being a social being so when it comes to his need for social interaction he does come chit chat with me. We can go for a ride in the car and out for dinner. He tries to treat me with respect and I treat him with the same respect and I am trying to give him the building blocks into adulthoood he is missing. If something happened to Rick I would be still left to clean up the pieces with James and Alex. I try to make sure Alex gets his care packages even though they are not as often as I like. I try and stay on top of them. I email Alex probably too much he probably finds me annoying and James probably thinks I am a royal bitch but they both realize I have good intentions. So as far as what I would tell the boys. James and I have already talked about it for the most part. The things I would tell them well I am not going to post in the blog because they do have the abilility to read it and its private but I guess ultimately. Alex and Jamesy. I am not your birth mother, adopted mother or anything like that. Nor am I trying to be. I care about you because you've both grown on me. I respect you for being the good men you are. I respect you even in your anger and frustration you still love your parents. I know how difficult it can be at times to understand why Dad is always nagging at you. I know how it is to be a teenager and just want to do things on your own without a parent lingering. HA! Alex what more do you want now your on the other side of the world? LOL Rick has no choice but to let you be and grow up. Alex and James are different where Alex wants to grow on his own, fall down on his own and pick himself up and learn on his own. James on the other hand needs coaxing and hand held to show him how to do things. BOTH are totally fine actually I like it that way for the most part. Alex and James.. I love and respect your dad and I will treat you with the same love and respect as he does Skylar. However I will say FAMILY. We are a family, not a broken home but a FAMILY and we will only choose to be as Blended as we want to be. Thats up to you boys for sure.

To Mackenzie

Mackenzie... Hello Beautiful, Some of you may not know the whole story behind Mackenzie and where he is. I am not even sure he does. Mackenzie's father passed away in 2003 and since then I have always wanted to jot down my memories of him before they fade so one day his mom can share some good memories of his father. Also one day I will see him again and I will tell him about the mistakes i made and that I never stopped loving him. I never hurt him. I thought what I did was the best i could for him. Some of my decisions weren't the best but I think as parents we all have those bad moments where we don't make the wisest decision. So when Mackenzie is older I will tell him the truth and show him love. Thats all I can really offer him and thats all that prevails.

This song by Travis Tritt has always been my song to Mackenzie. After Adam and my marriage fell apart and then he died I promised Mackenzie so much and I couldn't hold on to my grip and I slipped. I fell down several times as matter of fact. I was steered down the wrong roads but never did I sink to the level of abandoning my son and not putting him first with Skylar.

Tritt Travis, Best Of Intentions Lyrics

and Finally to the baby, My Princess now Five years old and getting ready to start Kindergarten. 

Skylar my Princess.

I wanted her to know we have also had our challenges that I was sick for the first few years of her life and I didn't get to truly enjoy her first mile stones. I had to work really hard from the time I found out I was pregnant and for a few years of her life. All I have ever wanted for her is the same thing I have worked very hard for stability, hope, faith, trust and love. I promised Adam I wouldn't give her up for adoption and I had times when I felt like I wasn't the best thing for her. At times I was very selfish living for her and waking up in my depression for her. I felt such guilt when she was born for ever being suicidial. I promised a friend that I would work through out Skylar's life to be like a best friend to her. I can say right now we are extremely close. I choose not to do things on my own because we are never without each other and I think that if its not a kid friendly enviroment more times than not I probably don't need to be there either. I think my place now is being the best and wife and mother I can be. I hope through the rest of Skylar's life she can be honest with Rick and I. I hope she knows I have tried to have strength and give her the best she deserves. I hope we remain close for a very long time

I am sure there will be... more to be continued.

H.P. Lovecraft

 

Any of you familiar with this author?

I guess James likes it. So his uncle and aunt get him stuff about the book such as Cthulhu plush, t-shirts, and other junk.

Haha When Jess and I were working and Landon wanted Cthulhu and Jess was giving him hard time and saying James well it looks like a toy. James said mine mine my Cthulhu lol. So I was thinking there is an idea I will look for a second t-shirt for him. He walked in on me Ebaying and looked at some of the items on Ebay. He commented he would like the Super hero Cthulhu because its just cool. But he thinks we are over playing Cthulhu like its his favorite thing or something. He said Anytime Aunt Beth and Uncle George get me something its Cthulhu. I was like well because they know you like Lovecraft. I said there is nothing wrong with collecting things you like. Anyway's they have a really nice figurine type sculpture on Ebay, he is interested in and a few other things so that will be on his Christmas Wish List LOL. But he's right its a bit over done with the fanny pack, slippers, book pack, and nursery items... I think the Goth and Emo's took it over lmao. I think that's what offends him most.

So um how about Christmas Cthulhu Plush? Giant Cthulhu which is what he really wants LOL. That boy I swear he's like ya'll act like I want it or something they he will be oooh ahh all over the items lmao. I saved a bunch of links. Loves you... I can decorate his room in Green and have a toy box for his Cthulhu... Or would it be better in a doll bed with a canopy?

What we go through..

I walk past James in the other room. I think to myself does he know really how hard this is as a wife or a mom? I can't show him its not fair. I can imagine how hard it is for him as a son. I mean it sucks for him to have his brother the person who is his best friend who has to go away and Rick where he is...

But I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to buy a car on my own, I don't want to have to know how to check Halloween Candy, I don't want to cuddle underneath Christmas Lights another year without Rick there with me. I don't want to do the Christmas shopping alone. I want him home!

So does James really know how tough this is? I don't think he can grasp the concept. What I wouldn't give if Rick can't come home for 6-9 months or even a year... if time could just stop. Sure I am strong enough to keep kicking living daily life but do I really have to do holidays and important things. I wrote Rick a letter tonight. I said sure this independance thing is what I needed and its healthy. But I don't want it. I don't want to live another day without my soul mate. Haven't I been away from him enough?

Oh boy am I fired up!!
My water heater has been out for over a day and they won't give me a date and time they can come fix it! Watch out they are going to have a very pissed off soldier if he comes home for R&R and can't take his bubble bath!
James I TOLD Him and TOLD him. That he needs to start helping me clean more. He's a lazy SOB. We have no hot water yet he puts dishes in the dish washer and puts the regular dishwater soap in the freaking machine so what does he do. Grab all the towels out of MY bathroom CLEAN towels and puts them on the kitchen floor (this was last night) The floor is still soaked and my towels are still on it! He's been up all night which means he will be asleep all day. Which means I wont' be able to run errands and go shopping (((((I gotta wait on Maintence (why does spell checker not like this word!!) ))) His area of the living room is messy and sloppy. I have no problem cleaning my room, Skylar's room, and the kitchen and dining room. I cleaned my bathroom yesterday. So WHY can't he do something simple like dishes and the living room ...although he needs to take responsibility for a lot more. He's gonna do one load of dishes and say f it I did my house work! I think not. I think evil step mommy just raised his freaking rent! He will start paying for maid service! AND loose his ride to work. His father comes home any day and he better watch out!

Whats up What's up What's Up!

Rick had a recheck for his ears in Birmingham. The ear doctor put a piston in his ear to replace something "not working" well months later guess what. Now another part isn't working and there isn't a damn thing they can do until he comes back so you know what. Months and months of driving two hours, waiting 5 hours before even being called, surgery etc for what? NOTHING lmao. Stupid doctors! Anyways we brought James with us because James complains we don't ask him to go anywhere and he mentioned he wanted to eat at a particular restaurant. So rick mapped out Birmingham and mapped out several stores that James would like that have gaming and war gaming things in it. aka totally boring for Skylar and I. First James bitched why would I want hamburgers when I work at burger king well BUTTHEAD you said you wanted it! Then he was pissed cause Skylar was singing to herself and just saying baby over and over again. I told her to stop she wouldn't listen to me either she knew she was grading James' nerves. He decides for some ungodly reason to unbuckle her. She freaked as she always does when you unbuckle her I guess he tried to put it back in and the belt was locked and he turned her seat and she screamed and cried then Rick yelled at her. I made him stop the car and I got out until things calmed down :( James can be so ungrateful. He whined we got to go the water park then when we asked him to go he didn't want to. He whined we got to go to fireworks yet when we ask him he doesn't want to go. I am really just pissed because he would rather get in his computer time before work than spend this week as a family or with his dad EXCEPT going to see Transformers. We came home for a short break and DROPPED James off then went to Sci Quest :)
Sandra runs a PSP group called PSPing Moms.
Olenka and I are moderators. I just changed my member email to this one so I could send more mail. Olenka REMOVED ME! She can't remove my moderator name but she changed it to not allow me to send mail so I changed it back! WHY THE HELL does she want to F*** with me! I am so tired of this stupid game! I got along better with my worst enemy than freaking Olenka!
Jul 15, 2007 9:20 pm bellaluvspsp Post status changed by mommy2mybaby
Jul 17, 2007 9:23 pm bellaluvspsp Post status changed
Jul 14, 2007 5:59 pm you_are_my_blessing Member changed email address by you_are_my_blessing via web
Jul 15, 2007 9:22 pm you_are_my_blessing Removed by moderator by mommy2mybaby via web
Jul 16, 2007 5:28 pm luvinmacknskylar@aol.com Removed by moderator by mommy2mybaby via web
I've been keeping this in for the most part of a month and I am not doing it anymore! I still won't talk to her in any way shape or form but I am not holding in my anger!



This is Skylar's first time to the Water Park at Point Mallard. They also had an Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and some of it was roped off for all types of diving boards, a huge water slide, they also had a wave pool. Then you got to see the Toddler and baby pools. Of course its alongside the Tennessee River too which looked so pretty!
This week is Military appreciate week around these parts. So everyone is doing something. I enjoy doing patriotic and military pride stuff with Skylar I think its VERY important to teach her pride in the military and country. We went to South Hall at the Von Braun Center inside Big Spring park and watched an Army band from Ft Rucker play. Then outside for fireworks :)
Not to mention Skylar LOVES soldiers and we like to hear them chant as they march :)


Tinker Bell @ 3 months oldLightening chilling in the back yard her favorite pastimeTinkerbell outside before when I tried to put her out she would just scream now she is investigating. She didn't like the way her paws felt on the grass. Then she found a bug and was making noises at it. She swatted a piece of grass and she was surprised when it swatted her back lol. James Mowed the yard later. The gardeners haven't mowed the front yard in forever.

Tinkerbell finally decides to settle down at night. Before we got back from PCB she would attack us all the time. Now she is sleeping above my head
Skylar got SPOILED! I've wanted her to have this doll house but the house and the furniture are getting rare so I talked Rick into getting each piece LMAO.. You can see a corner of her toy box and her older bigger dollhouse near it. Skylar has Two families Mommy, Daddy, a little girl, a little boy she says is Rick, Me, Her and Mack... A pair of twin babies Then another Mom and dad and two girls and she says its her friends 'Nina, 'Nauna, Linda & Sgt Bean (who Rick will see next week)
Nina and Nauna are their nicknames lol
They had a house with a tree house just for the youngings and Skylar is propelling something in a basket on the clothes line from the tree house to the front porch lol Oh goodie its a box of rice krispie treats

Above is a chair of magnets its a magnet swing actually
Below is a water table that shows you how currents work you open streams and send a ball down them *shrugs*
water table that shows you how currents work you open streams and send a ball down them *shrugs*

Rick Built Skylar a bridge demonstrates how arches make better bridges lol
Little girl didn't quite trust Rick's construction
The two things sticking out are magnets and the sand is iron and it sticks like well it was just neat!
Yeah my husband has no butt in those shorts and no its not a circus mirror either that's really his ass HAHA just kidding skylar checking out Fun House Mirrors
Displaying how people burp they had one for vomit and digestion too LMAO oh and then there is identify the smell
Remember the game operation?