Pick Me Choose Me Love Me part 2

Side note: I wrote part 1 some time ago but never published it.

Growing up I seemed to struggle with always being left out in some way shape or form. At 11 years old I became a ward of the state. My oldest sister went between living with my father and then was amancipated. My middle sister stayed with mom. Meanwhile I was with a family friend. If there was one person we could ask to love us unconditionally and to care for us it’s our parents. My parents weren’t capable of doing that. Then essentially from the time I was 18 until 27 the person who raised me and whom I called mom slowly started to distance me from her family. Until I got remarried then she cut off all contact. Yet again I felt abandoned by someone that is supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Someone I called mom. I called her mom but I never felt like she saw me as her daughter. A childhood I had had physical abuse and neglect and abandonment. I think it changes the way   I think about myself and it wasn’t until some deep digging in therapy and some self discovery on my own ugly parts I realized I place my identity and self worth in whether or not someone chooses me. I fight way too much for someone like my husband, family members, close friends, and my past relationships to make me somewhat of a priority. I know in my teen years I was in and out of the hospital countless times and yes I had to be Helene’s priority. Instead I saw myself as a burden. In my first life/ marriage I pushed people away or ran away to prevent from being hurt. Slowly I’ve seen what that did to me and others and have started to heal and fight the fight or flight urge. 

I still struggle with the thoughts of being unlovable. I mean after all my own parents didn’t “love” me like I needed... not just the ones that gave me life but the family friends that raised me- the God chosen parents. I’ve struggled with being accepted for who I am. 

So in a relationship when I feel like someone is putting someone else first and not meeting my needs. I just beg.... “pick me, choose me, love me..” pretty soon those cries fade and change to “What’s wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?” I start feeling like I’m building a wall. I’m growing colder probably a self preservation to numb myself from not being important enough to those important to me.  

So when I grow colder my self esteem is horrible because I have a hard time placing value in myself if no one else sees my value.