A day in the life of autism

I’m struggling with something. My son is 9.5 and has complex adhd and Autism. I also have other children 16-34. My 16 year old is a beautiful smart neurotypical girl who identifies as bi and is accepting of the LGBTQ+ community.  I’ve gotten enough judgmental eyes about my well behaved, National honor society rule abiding 16 year old for being “bi”...I try to NOT think everyone is judging me when my son is being hyper or has to be structured, emotionally immature or has struggles with fine motor skills or any thing else associated that makes people on spectrum special and I’m an advocate for acceptance but it’s a struggle to not think people are not judging my child or myself.  When I go out to eat and my son is in constant motion or eats something with his fingers. I’ve also been very careful to not judge another persons parenting style. I get snide remarks like he’s going to have to deal in the real world. Yes by the time he enters the real world he will learn or master coping skills. Then there is such a thing called The Person with disabilities act. My husband is on the spectrum and had a successful 24 year military career. They can and will be successful as anyone. I can and have raised a child that is well mannered and smart. My youngest is no exception. So how do you get past the knee jerk reaction of being judged? It hurts enough when children judge my children. Yet I don’t completely blame them either. It’s just e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g. I don’t even want to think about those with disabilities that aren’t invisible. 

To my younger self from me on my 40th birthday

To my younger self and all the beautiful young ladies reading this...
There is truth to the saying wisdom comes with age or experience. My 40th birthday is around the corner. I wanted to share a bit of wisdom.

Remember when you don’t feel good enough for someone that just means they aren’t meant to be in your life, they are intimidated by your shine, or it’s their problem and insecurity.
There is someone out there worthy of your shine whom you were perfectly made for.
So if you feel like your nothing there is someone out there who thinks your perfect.
Just when you don’t think the world gets you there is someone who does.
Sometimes we don’t even like ourselves and we have to change our own minds and love ourselves to let our light shine brighter.
If you continue to let people in your life that don’t belong then you try try try and you’re just missing out on the you that is genuine and they will never get it.

Pick Me Choose Me Love Me part 2

Side note: I wrote part 1 some time ago but never published it.

Growing up I seemed to struggle with always being left out in some way shape or form. At 11 years old I became a ward of the state. My oldest sister went between living with my father and then was amancipated. My middle sister stayed with mom. Meanwhile I was with a family friend. If there was one person we could ask to love us unconditionally and to care for us it’s our parents. My parents weren’t capable of doing that. Then essentially from the time I was 18 until 27 the person who raised me and whom I called mom slowly started to distance me from her family. Until I got remarried then she cut off all contact. Yet again I felt abandoned by someone that is supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Someone I called mom. I called her mom but I never felt like she saw me as her daughter. A childhood I had had physical abuse and neglect and abandonment. I think it changes the way   I think about myself and it wasn’t until some deep digging in therapy and some self discovery on my own ugly parts I realized I place my identity and self worth in whether or not someone chooses me. I fight way too much for someone like my husband, family members, close friends, and my past relationships to make me somewhat of a priority. I know in my teen years I was in and out of the hospital countless times and yes I had to be Helene’s priority. Instead I saw myself as a burden. In my first life/ marriage I pushed people away or ran away to prevent from being hurt. Slowly I’ve seen what that did to me and others and have started to heal and fight the fight or flight urge. 

I still struggle with the thoughts of being unlovable. I mean after all my own parents didn’t “love” me like I needed... not just the ones that gave me life but the family friends that raised me- the God chosen parents. I’ve struggled with being accepted for who I am. 

So in a relationship when I feel like someone is putting someone else first and not meeting my needs. I just beg.... “pick me, choose me, love me..” pretty soon those cries fade and change to “What’s wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?” I start feeling like I’m building a wall. I’m growing colder probably a self preservation to numb myself from not being important enough to those important to me.  

So when I grow colder my self esteem is horrible because I have a hard time placing value in myself if no one else sees my value.