How do I feel now?

Today is so final. I honestly didn't think I would feel the way I do today. The past two weeks I had some temptations. I mean I had some things on my mind that part of me wanted to open up and let you in, again. But I left it alone to see what would happen. I just asked one thing of you. I am writing this to you like you would even read it. *Shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter does it. These are my feelings and emotions take it or leave it. Its really no one's place to judge me in my opinion anyways. I guess its just going to be some dust that is swept under the rug, eventually. For now I just glare at the dust and wondering what could be different. I left the chore up to you to decide what to do so now I have to deal with the mess thats left. As close as we were, as close as we could have been. Would I have even wanted it? I know I wouldn't have wanted this mess. I never wanted the drama and I was hoping things if they had to end so be it but they didn't have to end like this. I guess I have a problem if I don't feel there is closure. This is the first time I have gone through something like this. So I am not sure how I feel or what to do even. I guess I will get the same answer I get about everything. Pray. Pray for the feelings and emotions. Pray for you and Pray for me.

Its my pleasure to introduce you too...

These are my Ladies. Ashley and Jess. This picture was taken in Horse Cave, Kentucky where we picked up Jess' cousin. These two are there for me when I need to laugh, I need to cry, I need to get pissed, or I just need a break. Sometimes we are just together long enough for a cigarette sometimes we hang out all the time. Jess is the level headed colorful smart lady in my life who gives me logical advice. Ashley beats to her own drum when I get pissed we usually agree and laugh about it. What a great friendship the Army has given us!! Battle Buddies ladies!!

Honorary Battle Buddy

Battle Buddy

(person) by mightybearseven (3.1 y) (print) ? Fri Jul 02 2004 at 13:17:09


One aspect of my training in the US Army basic combat training was the Battle Buddy system: you were paired with another person, usually in your squad, and at no times as a pair would you lack accountability of one another. In subsequent training in AIT (Advanced Individual Training), this system became far more important, due to the additional freedom and privileges that were provided in AIT (and more importantly, the policy to aid a whistle-blower to report illegal activities). Who your battle buddy was became a huge issue, due to the fact that you essentially lived with this person, and had no choice but to spend a large portion of your day with them. If you didn't get along with your assigned companion, you were for the most part S.O.L., and in the worst case scenario, you could grudgingly ask the Drill Sergeant to assign you a new one. In my case, I became extremely good friends with my Battle Buddy, and I found the entire experience to be quite rewarding.

'Battle', during basic combat training, was often used as an affectionate name for drill sergeants to refer to one another as, especially one particular situation: Our training company had completed training on firing tracer rounds down range, and we turned the dry, windy and painfully cold range into a half mile wide brush fire with the help of approximately eighteen hundred 60 gram brightly burning chunks of magnesium that we eagerly blasted across the landscape. The firing range sergeants were extremely displeased by this whole event, and made that clear to the drill sergeants. One thing led to another, and one of the unfortunate range sergeants insulted a drill sergeant. Immediately, retaliatory remarks were returned in the form of hissed insults over the field radio. "That bastard just shoved my battle!", the drill sergeants launched their own assault on the firing control tower, all of them eagerly homing in and doing what drill sergeants do best: be loud and intimidating. This didn't help our situation as 'dumb privates' at all, and we still ended up standing out in the cold for three hours after we had ceased firing. I will probably never forget how beautiful those flames looked, making perfect rings of dancing fire and leaving a circle of ash out in the flat field, nor will I forget the display of camaraderie among those drill sergeants even out of the battle field.

I call Jess my Honorary Battle Buddy. She's my friend here on post and we are there for each other to lean on and if we need anything to not be afraid to ask. The other day Jess had to take her father in law to the Emergency room so I watched her 4 year old for her. Her husband isn't deployed but she has been through a seperation to Korea and then from Korea he went straight to Iraq. She PCS'd Alone and she is a brave brave woman! I probably wouldn't do it on my own I know that LOL. So sometimes she has to kick me in my ass to get me to act right and we promise to try and keep each other out of "trouble" She's been really good at feeding me and I try to help her in anyway possible. I am thankful for my battle buddy...
This morning my battle buddy found a black widow and called upon me... Of course I didn't go to her rescue! But I did make a call for her... LOL I hope she gets the evil thing taken care of :)

Note To My New Age Hippie Girl

I don't know how Tonia and Karla did it. I am just so tired of constantly crying and stressing. This deployment crap is hard... Especially when he says "doing it out of a sense of responsibility to my country and army yes" makes me want to just SCREAM! What a permenant dent in our marriage, 20 years of service, your son's childhoods weren't enough? Muahaha. I am just already stretched thin and I have what 61 weeks to go. 15 months something...Karla says she misses this blah!