What Hurts the Most by Rascall Flatts

 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

Its been a rainy tough day today. I can take the rain and storms any day. The rain is not what bothers me. I can take a few tears now and then. Songs like this certianly have triggered my blogging bug and my emo bug. I can take the tears and let them out. They don't burn my cheeks but going on everyday without you still stings. Your not here to hold. Your not here to share my fears with. I open up to you still but its just not the same.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

The scars from this deployment will run deep maybe forever maybe they will heal. Memories like when the last time I took you to the airport have left scars that I didn't know existed until I heard this song. I hold a certain amount of regret from Midtour. I just try to think about the Memories we have made since our first days together in 2007. The wonderful places we have been. The things we have experienced together that I wouldn't want to experience with no one else. The thoughts that still linger are the words that are left unsaid, the memories that are left undone, The to-do list that just seems to be longer, our wishes and goals ungranted. The fact that with strength I didn't know I had I let you walk on that airplane the last time I took you to the airport. The devistation, the panic, the broken heart after you got on the plane. I couldn't find you. With Skylar and James sitting there wondering where you had gone to. The fact that I had to leave the airport with words unsaid and without one last kiss. Has left so much on my soul.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

I still can't say that us Silent Ranks have the hardest job in the army. Having put my life on hold. Watching soldiers everywhere I turn is a painful reminder of you being gone. I am proud to stand beside a Marine, An Airman, or a Soldier (Not to many Navy in these parts.) There are days when I act like I am ok and I just want to scream I am Fine!!! But there is so much hidden pain. Its hard to deal with the pain. Its hard to force a smile for the kids on some occasions. Its hard to smile when people smile at me. When people thank me for what you do. When they have no real clue the sacrafice. You know that Bulletin/email that goes around that talks about why soldiers go days without showers? A girl online asked me why don't you have water. They really have no clue that you do without the most basic needs. That you would take a kiss and a hug over a shower anyday. Everyday I have to get up and get dressed and live my life and everyday its another challenge to face "alone". The day you walked away I would go back and do so much differently. Midtour would be different. I would be different. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much pain. The tears in my eyes don't sting so much but the burden on my heart and soul never fades. The sting of watching you disappear in the airport that day has left some deep scars. The fact that I neglected you so much on Midtour, How can I forgive myself?

Tomorrow I have to wake up and relive all this over again. I have to walk beside these wives that aren't so proud as I am. These people that just don't get it sadly. We have been overseas for so long and people just don't want to understand what you are put through. People don't understand us left waiting feel everyday that you are gone.

Damn straight I know I am strong. I know that I have come along way in a year. I know that this is over soon. I finally realized what I have accomplished and I know what I do that makes you hold on. I know that my strength has finally appeared in my eyes. I will forever be strong for you. My tears I shed aren't a sign of weakness and my fears don't make me weak either because I am willing to face them with you beside me if not in body in spirit. If you didn't love me as much as you do I don't know how this would be. I love you. I will be here waiting.

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that’s what I was tryin to do

Catching Up

I am a writer by heart. I love to write and I love to write often. Rick and I just finished up our two weeks of R&R. Although there wasn't much R&R to be had. Which I feel guilty for. I promised James a Firefly marathon... it didn't happen. I promised a second Christmas to everyone.... didn't happen... So when I woke up that morning to him already wearing his ACU's gathering the last of his belongings I wanted nothing more than to poof myself somewhere.... anywhere would have been fine. I would say that moment was borderline traumatic. For three days I was depressed, Moody and just wanting to sleep through the rest of the deployment. Literally Wake me up when September ends....

Its just been a week since he's been gone and my whole demeanor on this deployment has changed. I dealt with it beautifully for 6 months and 20 days and now I just want to ignore the time left.

Everyone wants to know how R&R went. But I am not sure what to tell you LOL.

He came in early and I was like nothing's done that's supposed to be done because he came in a week earlier than I expected then a day earlier than I expected. Aren't there usually delays LOL? Not that I am complaining but I did that day because nothing was done!

Here are pictures of Skylar and I getting ready...

A fellow Army Wife took me to the airport to meet him. Skylar of course tagged along. I left them at the doors to the baggage claim and I went inside. I quickly found the baggage claim for the flight... No Rick... So I stood by the stairs... waiting... I saw many combat boots pass me by. I got excited with each one. Finally the combat boots that belong to my husband were coming down the stairs and I knew before our eyes met that it was him. We had the expected greeting and we headed out to the van.

She dropped us off at the PX so we could get the rent a car then we came home. My friend offered to babysit Skylar that first night so we went out to dinner with James and went to the book store. After that Skylar called crying she wanted to come home. So we went and got her and that was fine. Later that week we ended up going to the mall with a friend of mine. Rick had saw Libby Lu (http://www.clublibbylu.com/) and came back with Skylar and told me all about it so we decided to do it. Well it was a horrible experience. I was treated so poorly as well was Skylar called Managers and Coporate to complain about this. So Libby Lu did give us a second makeover.

Here's pictures from that... Skylar and Mikayla's Princess Makeover

and the second makeover and this one is the Rock Star/Hannah Montana Makeover lol

In that first week we also bought a car. James bought a Wii against our better judgement or was it? It turned out to be a great family fun activity! Rick attended Skylar's ballet lesson. She's been taking it for months but it was the first one he has gotten to see.

The second week was our Anniversary Week it was mainly all about us. I had made reservations on Tuesday for an overnight stay at the Embassy Suites with the Romance Package that of course was scheduled after our special Gondola ride. Then the next day we would go down to the Spa for a nice couples massage.

http://www.labellagondolas.com/ Jason and Roberto YOU WERE WONDERFUL thank you so very much for making it so memorable!

http://www.bridgestreethuntsville.com/

http://embassysuites1.hilton.com/en_US/es/hotel/HSVESES-Embassy-Suites-Huntsville-Hotel-Spa-Alabama/index.do

http://embassysuites.hilton.com/en/es/hotels/hotelpromo.jhtml?ctyhocn=HSVESES&promo=HSVESES_Spa_Botanica&cid=OH,ES,hsves,SpaF

I wanted to share a little bit of history with you. The Day Rick and I got married it snowed and there was a fountain at the chapel that was frozen over solid LOL. The weekend before our first anniversary boy were we excited due to the fact we were concerned about freezing on the Gondola. The weather said it would be in the 70's on our anniversary BEAUTIFUL! Well with the warm front came Tornado's! So the Gondola postpone. My babysitter was sick and with the tornado's we tried to post pone the hotel reservations but they weren't having it saying they had already bought the roses for the romance package and they were booked solid the next day. Now we called way before check in! So what's the use in all that? Making a deposit and all that? So the babysitter (my friend) said she would still watch Skylar on our anniversary and for the Gondola. So we went ahead to the hotel to pay for the room and check in. It was still mid afternoon. I went up to the room to set up. We would come back for the free social hour lol and dinner.

Once we returned to our room after the social hourthere is no sign of the flowers that were supposed to be there, the champagne and chocolates that were included with the romance package reservation. We called the front desk and they "took care" of it. Still not up to my satisfaction but I was already bitter toward the hotel LOL. I had yet to find out why I was going to be bitter. At 4 am I had just gotten to sleep and the fire alarms alerted us that the Tornado's that were due in 12 hours before had arrived. Everyone in the hotel must come down to the ballroom. Well that was a nightmare, Over crowded and frightened people for over an hour. Luckily no tornados hit in Huntsville just devastation to some outer laying counties. The next day we enjoyed our couples massage its the first time I ever had a massage.

We went home and spent some time with Skylar who was feeling a little under the weather my guess was from going to the Child development center on post. So we decided we would take her on the Gondola ride with us. The Gondola had to be postponed again due to high winds left by the Tornado's. Once the warm front had left Huntsville it began to get chilly again. So the day before Rick left we finally got our Gondola Ride and it was MOST beautiful! I am glad it got postponed two days it was like a final Hoooah for Rick and something to tie the bow on the package. Know what I mean?

It is tradition to kiss underneath the bridge so Rick made sure that happened several times. So many infact Roberto did a U-turn and went right back under! AH! LOl.

Some reason I can't upload another video of the vocalist which was awesome! I might do it in another blog!

Roberto asked Rick to help with the litter problem at the lake. Rick picked up a bottle out of the water once he noticed the message in the bottle he looked at me and said sneaky! La Bella Gondola made sure every detail was to perfection! I so appreciate there cooperation!