Loyalty

I have been described by people as thoughtful, selfless, loyal, and compassionate. I think I am a very loyal person. It takes A  LOT of things to cause me to actually cut ties with a person. One thing that is guaranteed to get me pushed over the bridge and have me burn that bitch down? Get my kids involved. That will get you cut out real quick. I am fiercely protective over my children. I am a GOOD and DECENT person and try to be everyday. I TRY to become a better person everyday. Today I learned something about loyalty. I woke up at 2 or 3:00 am to 15 missed calls and 100's of texts from a "friend" who was drinking and as he usually does he blows up my phone when he drinks and when he gets in a spat with his ex wife. *backspaced a long vent that is inconsequential that wasn't one made by a good and decent Christian LOL *  I then found out his ex wife went to the Hospital ER to have an MRI and let her young children wonder around a busy hospital parking lot, 4 lane highway... because she didn't feed them and they were hungry. I woke up MY daughter, my husband got ready, got the other child and the dog and drove two cars (I cannot drive at the moment). So we could go pick up her kids. Where from that point both people made me out to be the bad guy. The one that hasn't rushed to their side for years. I have taken them in. Given them money. Given them food to eat. I have been a good steward. I have been loyal and kind. Okay honestly as kind as my very unfiltered mouth can be. For THEM though I stay very reserved, I push things down. I turned my cheek to the betrayal etc. Forget it. Its not even MY feelings that are paramount here... Its MY children and THEIR children. I can build my children up. I can repair some of the damage they do to them but I am helpless with as much as they destroy and wound their children. *should I backspace here too heh?* Broken kids make broke adults.

Anyways back to the topic its not even just about these particular people in my life but also my sister and others that have betrayed me, wounded me (or my children), Disrespected me. Then turn around and make me the bad guy? I give up my last slice of bread and you say I AM THE BAD GUY? I couldn't figure it out. Then epiphany.... I am the bad guy because they don't recognize loyalty. To one person their definition of loyalty is never showing them that they are wrong. To another it may be giving in to every whim. To another it may be lying, deception, and manipulation. Those aren't the definition of loyalty. So I am the bad guy here because no matter what I do I will be the one disloyal to them because they don't recognize a loyal person because they aren't one themselves.

I am a person that has your back even when the wounds are fresh in mine where you stabbed me. But if you don't recognize that then I guess you won't recognize how once-in-a-lifetime it is to have unconditional love given and real loyalty? I don't know I have been on the soul search myself about unconditional love since I have never had it from people who shared my genes, my blood, whom fill my memories. So I treasure the even THOUGHT of a person being like myself to someone like me.

There are a lot of things I haven't done.

I was on a Marriage Retreat several years ago hosted by the Chaplain in the Army. The Chaplain tried to explain to us wives that our husbands had been through more life experiences than we could ever experience. I beg to differ. My husband has seen Iraq, he's seen war, he's seen hunger but not experienced it, he's seen and been through some pretty tough stuff. But in most common terms he is book smart to my street smart. There are a lot of things I haven't done.. I have never served even though I tried they wouldn't take me in. I applied for 3 out of the 4 main branches too!. I haven't been to a country such as Iraq and I haven't been globe trotting and seen the ruins in Turkey, the Salt Mines, Castles, and death camps of Germany. I haven't seen the beautiful greenery in Ireland. But I have seen things in this world he hasn't seen. I have lost a spouse and a child. I have had a lot of tragedy. I had no one picking me back up once I had fallen. I was almost completely alone. He's always kinda had the military to support him in every endeavor. They cook for you, they tell you when to get up and when to go to bed, they give you clothes to wear, they train you and protect you.. They even teach you how to drive if you need it. He's never been without a job for long or insurance. He's never really had to live on Welfare as I have and bust my ass to try to find any way I can to pay my rent. I have hustled many times to make four pennies rub together to make a nickel.  There are things I have more experience in than he does. I think its important in a marriage to respect your spouses strengths and not challenge them when they show you their strength. Its not emasculating to let the wife win sometimes. Its not even about me winning its about respecting the knowledge I have acquired and acknowledging I did go through that and I might know a thing or two. Not all advice given has to be taken but at the very least like when your a new mother and you get an absurd piece of advice you brush it off you don't fight with your mother in law about it just to make tension. Do you think it might be wise to take someones advice if it makes sense if things haven't been going your way for some time? You think maybe you can say I tried it didn't work and throw it back in their face politely? Maybe then they would shut up. As I tell my step son what your trying isn't working and your frustrated with not making progress why not let someone in? Why not let someone give you advice? Why not let someone else take the reins? I am a special brand of stubborn but I am not so stubborn if I don't know where the hell I am going I don't ask for directions. I don't believe in wasting time or energy about trying to attempt something without direction. That's like a doctor doing a procedure without knowledge isn't it? Playing with fire a bit. The whole time your playing with fire your wearing the other people down and they are loosing hope. They are eventually going to give up. I am tired of being bloodied trying to help others when all they have for me is a brick wall and they don't want my help. They don't want to be my partner. 

I haven't done a lot of things in my life. I haven't achieved my life long dream of animal conservation. Dreams don't die though priorities change. There are many of my dreams I don't know where to begin to go and achieve them though. I have never been popular at least by my standards I have never been a cheerleader or a football star but perhaps something I have done make the difference in this world. I believe I can make a difference in this world even if not everyone is pleased by what I do or haven't done. 

Saturday November 15, 2014: It was just, one of those things.

I did a whole entry while out and about today on the Blogger app and I pushed publish and it disappeared *tears* It was just one of those things, you know when someone says that to you? It could be the first love of a child, a friend or a romance, or something totally unlabeled. When you say its just one of those things it sounds so minimal so small. Just one of those things is usually something that is stratospheric not minimal. Having that moment or that relationship is life changing. You don't even know it but the path in front of you changes right before your very eyes. Meeting this person you may not even realize it at that moment but your whole thought process changes. The way you carry yourself changes. Your future has changed by simply knowing this person. Its just one of those things like when a meteorite hits a planet... the whole orbit changes. The atmosphere and environment change. Even if the meteorite goes away the orbit doesn't change again or go back to the way it was. The atmosphere and environment is still the same it didn't change back. Like a vampire they forever put an imprint on your soul... You are forever changed. There is no going back. You can't take back, give away, or give back what you were given. Its part of your DNA now its coursing through your veins like a fire. Sometimes the fire is a warm gentle comfort and other times it can be painful and raging. Sometimes its like a drug and the need for it is incomparable. Long after their gone they linger in your thoughts their touch has punished your skin and you can still feel it. A slight tingle and shivers go up your spine remembering the one who was there. So that person you may have just known for a day, a week, a month, a year... or a life time its just one of those things that you don't know the force of the impact and may never know the force. Its not something you can find or search for its just someone that is placed in your life and lights a fire inside you. That you didn't know you had. When there is a connection two people share when they've had this moment. That makes them inseparable not physically but a much deeper being. Its just one of those things that you can suddenly feel their emotions your so attuned to them. There is days when you feel so heavy because they might be a world a way and you may not have spoken to them but you feel heavy because you know something is wrong. Its just that thing that makes you laugh when they laugh, it makes you cry when they cry. Its just one of those connections that can never be disconnected. You feel lighter just knowing they are near if they can be near. It puts a big smile on your face knowing that you will see from them or hear from them. It makes your heart drop when they have to go. Its just one of those things that cannot be explained and sometimes its why people fall in love or maybe they just fall in lust. Sometimes its just a a special friendship or relationship or even as I have said it could be having a child that makes that moment for you. I love having that connection. It can be dangerous giving that much of yourself to someone. Sometimes your the more vulnerable one. Its empowering. Its everything that can't be explained. Some people may even say these two are soul mates if its with someone your attracted to. Some people feel this powerful connection with their children. When their children are gone for a long period to school, a trip, or at a friends house it seems that the Earth's orbit has slowed down. That's how much that missing piece can weigh you down. Its just one of those things. Its spiritual.

Its going to be really hard, we're gonna have to work at it....

Have you read Love Dare? Or read the 5 Love Languages? It is important that you take from those books and learn that it doesn't have to just apply to your significant other. You wonder how you can apply it to others? Why not "exercise" it on all types of relationships. The Relationships you have with your child(ren), your co-workers, friends, family member, and even a stranger. So my friends and I love a blog called Momastery. I admit I don't read blogs as often as I wish I could about as often as I write in my own... yet I digress.. Glennon Melton the author of the Momastery wrote a blog about the Questions that could save your relationships..  Another GREAT read and I highly recommend it. I read it and gave it lots of thought because I too have the "sticking to the health and weather type of conversations" that don't lead me to a deeper connection with a person. Its all sugar coated and fluffy. I admit sometimes its just too taxing for ME to be the deeper conversationalist and sometimes I only want fluffy stuff conversation because my brain is too full or I am emotionally drained but sometimes I want people to call me in genuine need for my companionship. They really want to talk to me out of a mutual need not just to fill in the blanks that its been 3 days 12 hours and 5 minutes since we last talked. Lately I've been talking more to a Facebook friend and we have really dived into some of each others skeletons.. I don't think it was intentional it just happened and I have really enjoyed the conversations lately and have had some insight on myself and a lot of new things I have learned about myself I am going to try and address. If I only talked to this friend about the weather in New York and her nieces I don't think I would gain so much. I have certain friends I know I can have common interests with that are more likely to gain/grow/appreciate certain topics of conversations. This may be wrong of me but anyways. My friend Stephanie posted the Momastery article from Huffington and she said what questions could we ask better of our loved ones? what questions do you wish your friends asked? Instead how are you? How are the kids? Everyone just says okay, fine, good whatever... What are you doing today? Housework... No one REALLY wants to have that conversation or do we have that conversation to save us from having REAL conversations. Do you sugar coat it and only talk about your health and the weather so you don't have to use real compassion and intellect. So read this article and don't just think it applies to a significant other but what about a child or a friend or even a stranger. It will be epic if we could all try this. On my Facebook I asked all my Facebook friends to comment below my article and maybe even tag a friend of a question they want to ask. If they didn't "tag" the friend then its a generalized question. So lets all dig a little deeper and try to ask a deeper questions in our relationships. Then the next time your husband says Hi Honey, I am home, how was your day? You will want to smack him! So what kind of questions would you like to be asked? What kind of questions should you be asking?

Remember its going to be real hard but relationships take work and the rewards are endless.

The Trouble with Ramona

I was listening to Mojo (a local DJ on 104.3) and he was reading an email in a segment he calls Naked Morning Guy where this woman "Ramona" said she always has that one friend that always tends to call when she needs something not when she just wants to get together or whatever. I have spoken about such a problem myself. Mojo says even he has that problem even with a brother. So a caller called in and said each friendship or relationship has to be weighed and valued differently. You may have resources someone else doesn't.... Like my friends call me the Google Queen plus I am quite crafty and pretty good with graphics. I do tend to get people out of the wood work who just need me to do something on PSP or find something on Google and honestly its irritating because Google (or Swagbucks) and I don't have a special relationship LOL anyone can Google. I do get irritated that you seem to pay 0 attention to me 364 days out of the year except the one time you want me to work a miracle in Paint Shop Pro... don't offer to pay me, want me to use my resources that cost ME money, and don't even act the least bit appreciative. There are a lot of times i want to send people to http://lmgtfy.com/. So yes I may have resources, talent, and knowledge but don't let that make your head big it doesn't come free. Anyways he or she was saying to find a resource that the other friend has that you can use from time to time... How to tell your real friends from users? Call them up, Facebook Message, Or whatever from time to time and say hey I need and it doesn't have to be anything huge or taxing it can be a cup of sugar... if they are your true friend then sugar won't be that much of an effort for them. I LOVE Bartering... I am not such a great baby sitter... I mean I don't kill anyone's kids but I just don't think I am great with kids other than my own but my friend she's GREAT with kids and sometimes my son William is hard to be with but they were like soul buddies from instant. So I may call her to babysit for me which she says she doesn't mind... I do NOT like asking friends to baby sit especially for free. I always feel like the favor is going to hit me in the face. So if I do ask her to babysit I always pay her whatever I can or a very fair and competitive amount. But I also show her I am returning the favor by using resources, talent, and whatever to make her life easier. I don't wait to be asked I just DO IT! I have had a rough few years with some really close relationships... When I left Georgia with the clothes on my back and nothing more and made EVERYONE from coast to coast... well drop their jaws I wasn't even sure my best friend was my best friend anymore. When I was on the verge of leaving and breaking up with my boyfriend at the time she seemed to be more friendly with my boyfriend than me. I always got stuck at home doing mom stuff while he went over there to chill relax drink or whatever. Thankfully she is still one of the best friends I've ever had for the past 10 years. I had another best friend O. and K. they encouraged me to get out of the rotten place I was and follow my destiny but when I got to Alabama... O. got crazy and told Rick I was cheating on him and that I didn't make enough time for her... Those who've read this blog awhile know the story, well that relationship fell apart and I have tried to revisit it but I just don't think its a healthy one. K stayed my friend and we got closer for awhile but then I felt like it started to unravel when I got pregnant with my youngest. Perhaps we were on two different wave lengths... perhaps it was jealousy. Then her life took her down a path where we had one thing in common again and then something happened and I was spooked away again and I have left that relationship where it is.... I had a friend that I have had for off and on for 13 years? A very long time and at the beginning of this year I just kinda felt like I was her cure for boredom and I didn't want to be anyone's cure for boredom... If you want to talk to me or spend time with me it should be because you want to not because your on your 20 minute ride to the doctors office and you want to call me on your way there. in April the shit kinda hit the fan and then she took a path in her life I didn't agree with and she seems to be all about her new life path so we've lost a connection and I am happy for her but at the same time I don't miss what we had. I was finished I think before I knew it. I also had two friends B & B that really burned me about two years ago... I have had a hard time making new friends since then. I hadn't really wanted to I would rather be a loner (which is NOT me I am a very social person) than be that hurt again. I have friends... especially friends that have kids that are friends with my kids... you know you go on play dates or you hang out on occasion... But I kept them at arms length... afraid of the loss again. I haven't completely gotten over that and I am not sure I want to walk blindly over the rope bridge again :/
I had a very wise woman I am acquaintances with once tell me.. in relationships and friendships you don't keep score... I always try to remember that especially when I feel as I do now... burnt out. I know I may be in a better situation that some of my friends so I can give them a helping hand and when they get on their feet perhaps they will return their favor some how... I am not counting on it but perhaps.... I am a little frustrated with the fact is I don't even see some of my friends TRYING. I guess I need to let go and give it to God.

This started out as one blog and transformed into another... Read the next blog about Roaring at Haters!

Random catch up

When I speak or write my thoughts are articulate and well thought out but I've been known to be very random and I have a severe filter malfunction ha!

I haven't had much time to blog lately just a few posts on my private blog. So as I sit in the car line at my daughters school waiting to pick her up I thought I would take time to write. So anyways this will be very random haha

My husband started a blog recently.

Sometimes when I talk to a old friend they reminisce and yeah it was good times no doubt and I don't usually have a problem bringing up the past but as I have mentioned the name of my blog is called Bella's second life. Before 2007 I lived in Georgia I was involved with an addict and just trying to survive. That's a lot different than my life now... Go ahead go to my timeline and pick a blog post before 2007. The other day I was talking to a friend of the "old" Bella. He said what the hell were you thinking with the choices you made especially in men. I used the same excuse as many people do. I replied young, dumb, and naive!

He said I don't think so you were looking for someone, something a certain quality. So now that has me pondering and I know it's true. I don't understand why so many people including someone I thought of as a mother can't be happy about my new life. They don't even give my husband a chance to even get to know him. Why can't they just be happy I've overcome the drama, grew up, and have a good husband. Even if its crappy be happy I'm happy! I don't get it? How can you say I don't belong here if you don't know the new me or my husband. I really feel quite disconnected from my past. I own up to it 100% but I feel like a different person. The only link I have to the past is my best friend Jennifer. I see Jennifer similar struggles and its hard it would be like trying to get your footing and just not being able to keep your balance. She's also different than me she says she could never leave Calhoun, even if it meant a better life. She is happy for me but we are close like sisters and miss each other and it's hard to be the best friend when your bestie needs a shoulder to cry on and you can't give that to her. Electronically just isn't the same. I value this friendship so much.



Anyways train of thought was interrupted when my time was up in the Car Line.

What I Learned from Celebrity Wife Swap.

Recently there was an episode of Celebrity Wife Swap with Kendra Wilkinson and Kate Gosselin. I thought it would be interesting so I DVR'd it. I've watched it now and I was surprised but not surprised at how OCD Kate Gosselin is I mean she is so OCD her eye lashes are straight or she will pluck one. Of course I would think if you had 8 children you need a certain amount of OCD and time management skills. Especially them being sextuplets. Kendra has one kid so I think she can afford to be more laid back... financially and with her time. Kate felt the need to judge how Kendra and Hank run their house. As a single mother of 8 kids your not going to get a lot of me time if you don't have help. Now she as in Kate made it to believe she NEVER gets to relax but I am sure her ex husband has visitation so what does she do with her time when he has the 8 kids? When you choose to have 8 kids husband or not you don't feel the same way about your me time as someone with one kid does IMO. I am certain that is not exception but the rule. So don't send me hate mail if you have one kid because your infertile or whatever. Nor am I saying the mothers with one or two kids don't sacrafice the same as a larger family. Hank takes care of Kendra he doesn't mind doing the majority of the chores that the Nanny doesn't do. He doesn't mind taking care of Lil' Hank while Kendra has a girls night out or goes to whatever it takes to keep her looking like Kendra LOL. Yes she is a Playboy Bunny, She has to work out, Tan, Get a hair cut... etc
There is nothing wrong with having me time as a mother either. Its neccessary. If Mama aint happy aint no body happy... right? I get my nails done while William is in school does that make me a bad mother? Right now what I am doing writing this blog wouldn't you consider that me time? Its 8:30 in the morning and my washer is running, my dish washer is running, my husband is at work, James is at work, Skylar is at school, and William is laying on me as I type this. He's being a bit of a cling today. My point is that no one has the right to judge another person's house hold as long as it is working for that couple. Rick does a lot of cleaning around here because he is OCD and that's fine with me. He's better at the cleaning but lousy at organizing. He doesn't understand certain toys go into certain buckets/bins/toy boxes. He just cares that they are all picked up. I am more nit picky about HOW its put away... I don't want to go through 5 bins to chase down lego's. I don't want to search a closet to find a white shirt... it should be there. So my kids closets are organized as well as their toys (most of the time). So if I want it organized I have to do it. I am also picky about how laundry is washed. My husband is a typical male who throws whites in with colors on high in the hot water.... Because its not clean if its not in hot water. WHen I married him his washer didn't even have a delicate cycle. Rick cooks a lot too because that is the habit we've fallen into. I make the menu and if I should cook (two days a week I usually do) he will find a way to make the menu not useful at all LOL. Hey but at the end of the month when money is tight we always have meals left over we didn't use because Rick changed the pre planned menu. This is the system that mostly works for us. We are really good at divide and conquer when it comes to taking care of the kids and dividing up household chores. Maybe it means more to Hank to have Kendra looking nice so he does the laundry to make sure that she has the time to go to the salon and get a tan. It depends on what is important to the couple or persons and how they decide how it should be done. It sounds like Kendra didn't ASSUME Hank was doing things for her. It didn't sound like or look like she was taking advantage of him either. Hank was happy to do it. I wouldn't assume Kendra is lazy either. As long as kids are happy, healthy and not neglected and the couple is happy that's all that matters right? Maybe Kate should learn something about how to communicate with her husband and Jon wouldn't be gone??? She really shouldn't be giving out advice when she's not very good with.

By the way side note I totally don't blame Kate for Jon's issues... they BOTH have issues which is why they are divorced.

I Knew You Were Trouble

The intro to Taylor Swifts new video struck me... here's what she said I think when its all over it just comes back in flashes. Its like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back but he never does. I think part of me the second I saw him I knew this would happen Its not really anything he said or anything he did its the feeling that came along with it, and the crazy thing is I don't know if I am ever going to feel that way again but I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved to fast and burned too bright. But, I just thought, how could the devil be pulling you toward someone that looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you. Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance I think that the worst part of it all wasn't loosing him. it was loosing me. I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are. excuse typos I was typing while it was playing so I was trying to type fast :)

How do you deal with that kind of news?

When Rick and I first got together he was super attentive hung on my every word. People would compliment us about how they could see the love between us. EVEN deployed he spent every second he could online... on webcam with me which was actually quite a lot. Because of the time difference we were kind of on opposite schedules he would sleep while I was busy with my day and while I was sleeping he would work. He was super attentive and all the good stuff you hear about when someone is wooing or the honeymoon period. Then when he got  home from Iraq I felt like I lost my best friend. That my best friend had left that piece of himself in Iraq. For the past three years he has been home its been very hard to deal with. We've been going through counseling off and on due to a therapist being very ill.  Now we've been going to the Veterans Affairs Counselling and she seems to be helping. She had him tested for ADD and she said she hasn't seen an adult squirm that much ever... She said when people with ADD have a new toy (ie me) they do tend to hyper focus on it. So in other words the newness has worn off and now I am just a dusty ole toy that can be donated to Good Will. How does one deal with a marriage like that? How should I take that kind of news? That I will never have the man I fell in love with back? I guess I could find a new man in him (not outside the marriage) and try to love what I got as much as I loved that man that I sent to Iraq and he never came back. I mean people who have husbands that have severe PTSD, amnesia, TBI and other things like that have to deal with this... Why is it such a blow to me?

On top of that God trusts me enough to deal with that but also James and Alex. God doesn't give more than you can handle but this is one plate brimming with blessings I can use a lighter load lol.  

                   
                                                                                                                                                                     



      


    





My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~~~ Maya Angelou

Random Thought

If you want something in life you have to work for it. You have to chase it. Anything that you get for free might not be worth fighting for, not worth your time.
I am not a free gift with purchase, I didn't fall in your lap and if you think I did then you under estimate my value. I am not a consolation prize or a Happy Meal toy.

Jesus Take the Wheel

For those of you who have read my blog or know me I am sorry if this entry is particularly repetitive. But things that may seem like deja vu are symbolic to the make up that is me and big building blocks in that is that is my faith.

Years ago I read a book called "Gianna". I was inspired by this young woman who's mother tried to abort her and she was born with several birth defects and would never live a "normal" life. She is so brave and so strong in the book she talks about "giving it to God". This was a foreign concept to me. I attended the same church up until adult hood. I was unable in my marriage to attend church freely as I chose. I started attending Trinity Community Church after Adam died. It is the church that watched me grow up and blossom. The church at least some of the members that had known me since I was a toddler. They came to my wedding, to my birthday parties as a child and always supported my family. Eventually I had to move back to where I was living in North Georgia and I didn't have a church home again. My faith had been shaken by the death of my husband, by my separation from him, and the custody battle with my son I eventually lost. I lost my husband and oldest son in the same year. My family had pretty much turned their back on me. My faith was shaken but not gone. Even though I had been through really serious trials, and tests of my faith... its all I had that was TRUE. Its all I had to hold on to. Nothing else promised me it would all work out, that it would all be okay.

Even though I lost my oldest son I still at the time had a little baby (Skylar who is now 8½), living in a different town. I was dating a man who had addictions and problems. Perhaps the only people that can handle my baggage are those who have baggage themselves? He was raised Catholic but like Adam I think he was Atheist. Having my brief few weeks back at Trinity made me realize how good going to church was for my soul. It was like an energizer battery... it gave me energy and strength to go on. I wanted to continue this with my daughter. I was in an impossible relationship for nearly 5 years before it ended. Before it had ended Skylar who was a sippy cup addict would drink chocolate milk at all hours through those Nuby Sippy Cups and it caused cavities even though she would brush brush brush... her molars were damaged. So at 3½ she had to have a lot of baby teeth pulled and filled. She had to go under general anesthesia. With my 20+ surgeries I was scared for her. I cried I was a mess. I remembered Gianna and I prayed and asked friends and people online how do I give it to God? Then I heard "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. I got some answers and just prayed please get me out of this impossible relationship that puts myself and Skylar at risk. Let her get through this simple procedure without any complications. I cannot loose ANOTHER child. She was pretty much the only earthly thing I had left to keep me going. Eventually I chose to end that relationship and move to Alabama.

Prayers Answered!

I married a Soldier who deployed just months after our wedding. I once again was scared I couldn't handle it. I was scared I would fall apart and wouldn't be able to hold the weight on my shoulders. I was in a new city, no friends, a new step child (or two), a new life all together. I took it in force and I didn't back down. I had stumbles on my journey but I didn't get off the slippery rocks I kept trucking across all with Skylar in tow. She handled it beautifully as well.

4 years later I find myself troubled again. I find myself asking questions and doctors not having the answers. I am not given the answers to the questions. I want help... I beg and a plead. I was driving Skylar to Vacation Bible School (Yes I am back to attending church whenever possible. I couldn't make it without Willowbrook Baptist Church.) "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe came on. This is a song last year that I would have daily prayer and meditation too. If I did my prayer, praise music, and meditation my day just seemed more complete and fulfilling. Anywhere hearing my song on the radio I realized I hadn't trusted and put my faith in God once again. I failed on my promise to not go down that road and to let him take the wheel. I didn't give my worries to him I let them burden me. I let them tie me down. Its been months I have been struggling especially lately. Its been building but lately its been extra difficult. That day going to VBS I broke down in tears driving and almost had to pull over realized I failed on my faith again because to have worry isn't to trust in HIM. I am so broken without faith. I've been trying to pull it together now but every time I think I take a step forward I take two steps backward and the journey seems to be more difficult. Between medical problems, problems in my relationships, emotional stress... its been a hard rucksack to carry. My burdens are heavy but my faith is still plenty when I choose to see it. I am working on that...

I used to have a sign growing up on my bedroom door... Be Patient God isn't finished with me yet.. I need a new one!

""There are a lot of things to think about, but nothing to worry about." Matt Koepke

Love Dare Day 1-- 2010

It looks like I need to try Love Dare again. I am just getting to a frustrated point and I don't see a solution so maybe because I didn't finish it the first time. With therapy, depression medication and Love Dare maybe this time I can seek the truth. Who else has done Love Dare? Did you finish it? Was it successful? Are you doing it now?

Rick is off all day tomorrow for me to remember Love Dare Day #1.

Today's Dare

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Virtual Dartboard

I am not your Virtual Dartboard. If you need something to piss on and go off on then feel free to click this link http://plmpresents.com/dart11.shtml
Otherwise I am pregnant under enough of my OWN pressure and stress I don't need your BS too. If your hurt by me then tell me. If your pissed at me be honest with me but if your just going to sit there and make excuses or smart ass comments I am not in the mood to hear them. I am not in the mood for apologies unless they are sincere. Being sick is no excuse to treat other's like poo. I don't feel good and I can really be a bitch.
I have had medical professionals put me in a bad enough mood the past two days then an incompetent school who doesn't tell me if my daughter is on a bus or somewhere safe during a Tornado Warning? All I know is its time for my daughter to be home and I can't seek shelter and the siren's are going off. I can't go into shelter because I don't know where my daughter is. She is supposed to be on a bus or already at home and an incompetent school can't call parents to let them know they won't release the children?
Do I have someone there to calm my fears? Nope I get smart ass comments then too.
I don't think I act like I piss on the world. I still show care and concern. Since everything I say comes out like I PISSED YOU OFF then I can just sit in time out like a 5 year old and request to be left alone. And you guessed it I don't really fucking care...

My Love Language

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Languages are probably Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service:	8
Words of Affirmation:	8
Quality Time:	5
Physical Touch:	5
Receiving Gifts:	4

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Its that Time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.

James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.

There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him  about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.

As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.

Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!

So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....

To Be Continued.

 

Its that time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up.

James gave me an excuse today and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concered if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

Weather Forecast Outlook Cloudy

A Cloud Near our House picture taken 2008 June 06.

The Weather forecasts predicts a cloudy outlook. .... This blog isn't about the weather wouldn't that be boring? This blog is about my life on Cloud Nine for over the past 511 days. Sure enough you would think Deployment within the first year of marriage would all but tear us apart or dampen the cloud but neither has happened. When Rick and I first talked about meeting. I was trying not to fall for him so I could keep a clear head. Sometimes when I fall I fall hard. My little cheerleaders I call them at the time weren't helping much. Oh yeah they knocked some sense in me but also told me there was no rescue clouds leaving Cloud Nine I was stuck. It was Kismet. I've never one to fight Kismet. I am not one to pull cupid's arrow out of my rear either. Rick has been with me on Cloud Nine through it all. He has been the wind beneath my wings that helps me fly up here. As he would correct me in the comments and say We are each other's wind beneath or wings. We brought each other to life. He has certainly changed mine for all good. I hope and I trust our life on Cloud Nine can out live us. Spread love and hope to others. I am so cheesy in love. I still consider us newlyweds even if its been over a year. Just because we still give each other butterflies, we still make each other blush and shiver. We get giddy, giggly and a crush on each other. Can the Army PCS us to Cloud Nine and give us a permenant order for here? Cause I am all for you sending my mail here. I don't think Rick realizes just what this has been like for me but at the same time I feel at times intensely that he feels the same.

Rick and I have had our share of rain and tears. We have had some thunder rolls and disagreements but it doesn't last long and we hold each other through it either emotionally or phsycially. He's just what I need.

When Rick and my eyes meet no one else exists (until Skylar starts screaming.) So please forward all email to 1 Cloud 9 because we seem to be the only ones that exist on our beautiful little cloud I hope never has storms.

What is your worst dating experience?

My worst dating experience was when I was first starting to date. All of my group of friends used to play around on the phone chat lines and I met a man off the phone chat line and he took me to my favorite resturant for dinner and then proceeded to talk about this woman through the whole date and put her down. He didn't know that woman was me. Its either that or I was set up on a blind date by someone much older than me when i was 21 and my sister suggested I go to the movies with him, so I did. The whole time I was clearing my throat hinting I wanted a drink or snack or something. He never bought me anything but my movie ticket but expected his good night kiss. EWWW NO! Ok guys so if you want to take a girl to the movies (Which I hate going on a date to the movies) then buy her something if your too broke or cheap then don't take her there and don't expect a good night kiss for being cheap on a first date.

AH CRAP His Shampoo Doesn’t smell the same in my hair

That is the name of someone's profile. I laughed and then had a memory of my sweet smelling husband coming home for lunch and as I fixed him lunch in the kitchen his scent triggered my being and my soul. He smelled so good I could have sworn he just stepped out of the shower. But there he was my handsome husband in his ACU's (Army Uniform) waiting for his sandwich and salad. If I didn't have a four year old underfoot I swear he could have had me for lunch.

 

Things I want to tell my children

First of all to Alexander and James. They are my boys. I may have only been in their life for 18 months but I care for them like I do my own kids. I carry the responsibility of making sure their needs are met. Yes they are adults but even adults need moms. I sure have in my life. I have heard so many times to count. James needs to be out on his own. You need to do this. You need to do that. But you know what? I know James. James and I have gotten pretty close partly because I am all he's got to lean on at times. James is far from being a social being so when it comes to his need for social interaction he does come chit chat with me. We can go for a ride in the car and out for dinner. He tries to treat me with respect and I treat him with the same respect and I am trying to give him the building blocks into adulthoood he is missing. If something happened to Rick I would be still left to clean up the pieces with James and Alex. I try to make sure Alex gets his care packages even though they are not as often as I like. I try and stay on top of them. I email Alex probably too much he probably finds me annoying and James probably thinks I am a royal bitch but they both realize I have good intentions. So as far as what I would tell the boys. James and I have already talked about it for the most part. The things I would tell them well I am not going to post in the blog because they do have the abilility to read it and its private but I guess ultimately. Alex and Jamesy. I am not your birth mother, adopted mother or anything like that. Nor am I trying to be. I care about you because you've both grown on me. I respect you for being the good men you are. I respect you even in your anger and frustration you still love your parents. I know how difficult it can be at times to understand why Dad is always nagging at you. I know how it is to be a teenager and just want to do things on your own without a parent lingering. HA! Alex what more do you want now your on the other side of the world? LOL Rick has no choice but to let you be and grow up. Alex and James are different where Alex wants to grow on his own, fall down on his own and pick himself up and learn on his own. James on the other hand needs coaxing and hand held to show him how to do things. BOTH are totally fine actually I like it that way for the most part. Alex and James.. I love and respect your dad and I will treat you with the same love and respect as he does Skylar. However I will say FAMILY. We are a family, not a broken home but a FAMILY and we will only choose to be as Blended as we want to be. Thats up to you boys for sure.

To Mackenzie

Mackenzie... Hello Beautiful, Some of you may not know the whole story behind Mackenzie and where he is. I am not even sure he does. Mackenzie's father passed away in 2003 and since then I have always wanted to jot down my memories of him before they fade so one day his mom can share some good memories of his father. Also one day I will see him again and I will tell him about the mistakes i made and that I never stopped loving him. I never hurt him. I thought what I did was the best i could for him. Some of my decisions weren't the best but I think as parents we all have those bad moments where we don't make the wisest decision. So when Mackenzie is older I will tell him the truth and show him love. Thats all I can really offer him and thats all that prevails.

This song by Travis Tritt has always been my song to Mackenzie. After Adam and my marriage fell apart and then he died I promised Mackenzie so much and I couldn't hold on to my grip and I slipped. I fell down several times as matter of fact. I was steered down the wrong roads but never did I sink to the level of abandoning my son and not putting him first with Skylar.

Tritt Travis, Best Of Intentions Lyrics

and Finally to the baby, My Princess now Five years old and getting ready to start Kindergarten. 

Skylar my Princess.

I wanted her to know we have also had our challenges that I was sick for the first few years of her life and I didn't get to truly enjoy her first mile stones. I had to work really hard from the time I found out I was pregnant and for a few years of her life. All I have ever wanted for her is the same thing I have worked very hard for stability, hope, faith, trust and love. I promised Adam I wouldn't give her up for adoption and I had times when I felt like I wasn't the best thing for her. At times I was very selfish living for her and waking up in my depression for her. I felt such guilt when she was born for ever being suicidial. I promised a friend that I would work through out Skylar's life to be like a best friend to her. I can say right now we are extremely close. I choose not to do things on my own because we are never without each other and I think that if its not a kid friendly enviroment more times than not I probably don't need to be there either. I think my place now is being the best and wife and mother I can be. I hope through the rest of Skylar's life she can be honest with Rick and I. I hope she knows I have tried to have strength and give her the best she deserves. I hope we remain close for a very long time

I am sure there will be... more to be continued.