Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I love that you value family. Even though you've struggled with sense of family and your own problems you still hold tight to your values. You hold tight to things that mean most to you so much you never let them go. Your faith has had ups and downs but mostly ups and growth. You work hard making sure that your kids are happy and healthy. You aren't an Army wife for the glory after all there is no glory in the dead. Your a proud Army Wife even though the lifestyle wasn't for you. You didn't cheat or stray or get catty with the drama you could have been absorbed in. I am proud of your strength that I know you don't always think you have but you've been through a lot. You don't pop pills to get through your day, have a six pack at night and you gave up smoking cold turkey on a chilly October morning. Your brave and your not always a follower or a leader.... to be continued

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

This is a funny question. I just started watching Secret Millionaire last night *I didn't realize we are on the second season*. I missed the first episode so I watched Episode 2 when it aired last night and episode 1 this morning. Dani Johnson is really amazing! She's so inspirational. My answer to my days of truth is to touch the world in some way to make it a better place and leave my mark (not destruction on it ). I love to pay it forward and I don't how any could not. As many times as I have been burnt by individuals who I pay it forward to or those who are angry because I didn't give enough I just press on. I pray that when its time God will show me my purpose and I will follow it.

**After posting this I realized I didn't read the question right I will try to come back to it.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I am not ready for another child, My body is too beat up for another child but I would love a baby anyways and feel blessed for the miracle.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My family may be imperfect but my husband loves me and doesn't always dwell on my baggage... now he would dwell less on the negative if I gave up my shopping habit LOL. My kids love their momma and show it even my step kids show me respect (most of the time) and show me beyond words how they feel about me its more special than I could ask for.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I got Postpartum Depression when I had Mackenzie. With the abuse and the family problems I was having it developed into full blown depression, Then when Adam took Mackenzie I got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got pregnant with Skylar 6 months later and had to hide her (and me) due to Adam's threats. I was so devastated and missed Mackenzie so much. I would see a picture of a older child touching moms pregnant belly or two siblings (like my nephews -- who were closely the same age as my children) and the depression hit its lows during my pregnancy. I didn't like where I was living. I was surrounded by dead beats and loosers. I had gotten myself into another situation that was hopeless. At least for me as sick as I was when I was pregnant. When I gave birth to Skylar things got a little better and thought how could I ever want to do that when I have this miracle. Things got bad quickly again. I pleaded DHR for help often collapsing into tears whenever I was questioned about Mackenzie or how I was doing. Skylar wasn't three months old when Adam died and I found out almost a month later that he had died. I knew things were going to be real difficult with Mackenzie. I couldn't get my family to back me. I couldn't get the support I needed from my boyfriend. I had to push forward for my kids. After I lost the custody battle I had an appointment with DHR again and I collapsed again and they said okay its time to get you help and they did. I went to the Mental Health Center and got set with a psychiatrist and therapist but like all underpaid government workers it was limited but I got the diagnosis and meds I needed.. Another diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I never wanted to act on a suicide. I was what my therapists have said I was passive aggressive suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up and not cause anyone suffering and pain. I had a dream one night that we were having a good old fashioned Lock In at Trinity (the church I grew up in) and it was a nightmare... I saw demons dragging the souls of my friends and loved ones. I woke up and I realized depression/suicide can just be the devils way of giving up on God. Some Christians believe Suicide is a sin and if you commit suicide you go to hell. I think suicide is more than just a selfish act I can't imagine being in so much pain the only way to escape is death. At that point I decided that the "devil" wasn't going to tempt me and I slowly came out of the depression. I continued to have rough times but I didn't need my meds again until recently. I know where my head is and I know when to get help. One of my favorite actors hung himself and committed suicide it was a tragic loss for me and it was hard to grasp it for so long. I hear about 10 year olds giving up on life and trying to claim their own and to me that is so tragic. There is more help out there and someone WILL love you. For now I am okay because I know my kids need me and I would never do that to them. The Depression can come and go but I don't think I will ever be suicidal again.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

No one knows for sure. I know some people think when we die we die and there is no eternity. Some people believe in a greener eternity of being recycled into someone or something else. Some people question why do babies die they weren't done with their life etc.. I think but at the same time my thoughts on this are always evolving that we are part of a master plan. We are part of the great script called Fate. Perhaps.. maybe.. I think I am still here because my story isn't done, my purpose isn't fulfilled. Sometimes when my body says Are We There Yet? The answer is not quite finished. So I truly believe I am still alive because God isn't finished with me yet. I believe people such as my father lived a long time under bad health because he was stubborn as a ROCK lol and it wasn't a bad trait. I hope myself and my kids learn it well. At least for the better. Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all thesongs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
I have been wanting to write this for sometime. I know three out of the five of them will be able to read this in the near future and perhaps the other two soon as well. So this Day Of Truth, This Entry into my blog, This letter, This playlist is to our kids.

Dear Alex we haven't spent a lot of time together because a few days after joining the family you became a man and joined the Army left for boot camp not even a week after I married your dad. I was put unknowingly at the helm of the family and I saw the hurt in your brothers face when you left. I don't know how much you were willing to take on that kind of responsibility or if I put it on you without you wanting it. But as the oldest you have your own responsibilities being the oldest. The brood looks up to you. You know this and I think at times you enjoy it. You like sharing things with your sister and playing with your baby brother. You and James can deny all you want but when you are here you two haven't grown that much apart. Yeah you've gotten a lot more social than James, you date, go out on the town where James doesn't yet but when you want to get into the family inner geek dom its not all lost. I am sure when your dad deployed in 2007 you understood that your brother was thrown into a new life (as well as your sister she's just better at dealing with it and expressing herself) that your brother had natural feelings of abandonment. That I needed you while you were at AIT and Korea to still be his brother, his best friend because you ARE supposed to be there for him. In my heart of hearts in my deep part of my soul I feel like that's the way families are supposed to be. Rick and I don't have that but I REALLY want that for you kids because one day you will realize the blood running through your veins means more than anything. Something happened in Korea where you didn't call back to the states for three months... then it happened again while you were deployed. I don't know what happened out there. You won't open up to me. When you do open up I see anger. I see your angry with your upbringing but sweetie you can't stay angry at the past. Its not healthy and its just you hiding from the truth. I know the past doesn't define you and if your sick son you will get help. I know if your angry you will work it out but burning the bridges of your dad and I, Aunt Pat, and Aunt Beth and Uncle George aren't the answer either. I know your a faithful man so you have to give all those hateful and angry feelings to God and work on the present Alex. The Alex who has seen more countries and probably more terrible stuff than most people. That you can put on the plate of experience. You can't work on repairing something actively by acting like its not there. We are here loving and worried about you. Alex we have talked and you know I am right you admitted to yourself that you have a problem. Stop hiding from us. Start working on your hurts, the pain that was caused to you totally unintentional. My song for you I chose is Innocent by Taylor Swift. Why did I choose this song? I know you probably don't like her singing but as to why I chose this song for you its personal and I don't think its the right thing to put out there. Its between you and I. If you could just give me a few hours of your time and let me tell you how we feel. I love you and you can't deny that. When you were in Korea I found a way to call the Chaplain there to hunt you down. When you didn't come home for R&R again I harassed the FRG.. WHY do you think I did this Alex? Why do you think no one cares about you? Just look up the lyrics to the song and if you have any questions you know my number and I don't avoid calls from you. I am always here unless your disrespectful toward me. Have faith, trust in God, Give it to God, God is God and God is always GOOD! 

Dear James
Unlike Alex and I you and I have gotten very close over the years. I think you have opened up to me more than most people. I think you know I can relate. I am hard as bricks on you but I think you very much need it. I think you know that too your just not willing to take that step. I am waiting for you and Rick to take that step. I think you have to initiate it though. I have seen some tough crap you've gone through. I have been heart broken with you. I have felt helpless that I couldn't make it better. I have seen you overcome things when you put your mind to it and in agreement with outside people it does take time... but the bird never left the nest because they wanted to.. usually mom has to be the one to push them to fly. You can try to hide the pain you have from the past and the present but I see it because I am a mom and I know you very well. I believe in you. I believe in your dreams if you don't want to be too blind to see them. Yesy your blind to your own dreams. Dreams your afraid to achieve. I believe you can do it. I believe you still have faith even though you don't want to worship anymore. I do believe you don't believe you can do anything you set your mind too. I do believe you can! Reach for the moon if you miss you will fall amongst the stars. Do you ever think about quotes like that? I don't think often enough. Find some inspiration, find your dreams and achieve them taking baby steps... You can do it! I chose for you well you know this song very well and you know that this is my song to you. Its 3 doors Down Its the Only One you Got. Why? Because I think you punish yourself for the past much like your brother you've learned to punish yourself and let it hold you back. This song is really meant for you and Alex. James you think its a good thing to run away and not face reality when its not because even if you don't try because your afraid of failure you still fail trying... I pray about you every single day to find the strength to move forward and NOT take the two steps back. I have seen you do it James! I know that you probably don't push to get your drivers license because your scared of that responsibility. Your scared to move forward scared of what is over the bridge. Just pray... look before you leap and dream! There is nothing else to it.


Dear Mackenzie
Mama Loves you and always will. I will always want you. Remember when I told you when you were little every time you see a butterfly its me thinking about you. Every May 31st I celebrate you. I celebrate the young man your becoming and wonder what its like in your world. Most days I get through okay. Some days I just have a harder time because its like time stopped at the age of three and I know your still growing and changing and surely being a good boy. I loved seeing you be a big brother to your sister and your unique personality. Sweetie soon we will be reunited and I can tell you all about your dad, you as a baby and us... I hope so soon. I chose Always by Building 429 for you because I believe in Gods promises and there is a reason for the past 7 years without you and one day we will be together again and hopefully you will let me be in your life and give you the love I have been waiting to give. As a baby Breathe by Faith Hill was my song to you. I'm Already There by Lonestar

Dear Skylar.
My only princess. Right now you don't understand how quite special that is. To me its very special. I love your brothers very much but your unique to me because it was just you and me for so long so I am much more protective or protective in another way. Its just us girls in pink in our house of Camo... rightly so.. I love our girl time together. Since William was born we don't get it as much but perhaps more during the Summer it will be easier that we can go get our nails done together and do the makeovers at Spoiled Rockin Kids. Things Daddy and William don't enjoy. I love that your the only princess I can spoil you and be there for you.. No competition! My princess I hope you grow up well and that I have taught you how to be a good person and a best friend. One day you might fall in love, get married and have a family.. and your daughter will be just like you! I am very proud of you! The songs I have chosen for you are In My Daughters Eyes by Martina Mcbride and Never Grow up by Taylor Swift. Dear my favorite daughter keep your faith and never let it go...

Dear William
aka Destroyer of Worlds (apparently moms eye sight) your so curious in this big world. Your fearless at times and other times you cling to mom and dad. I hope as you grow I can show you that you can always come back to me. I hope you always keep your sense of curiosity but remember to follow the right paths. Your so curious to see how things work and how we do things. Of course being the youngest of five your in a hurry to grow up. What I can't tell you is your mama's baby boy and you need to slow down and enjoy your adventures now without taking on bigger ones. I hope you have the best in life like we couldn't provide your brothers and sister. I chose for you God Speed by Dixie Chicks, Pure Imagination which is your favorite song from the Willy Wonka Sound track

Whether I gave birth to you I will love you just as much as you did. I promise you that. Just remember even when I make you scrape your knees its out of love. It doesn't mean I love you less. It just means you have to fall before you learn to get back up...

To All of you I dedicate I hope you Dance by Lee Ann Womack and Watching You by Rodney Atkins.

** to Facebook This was very emotional to write but I have been trying to do it for a long time not succeeding. I still don't think I succeeded and for the actual play list check my blog..

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I think my grandfather owned a farm his entire adult life. He believed real men were farmers and in the Military. I think he is right. My mom owns a farm and has for a long time too. When I was 18 I moved in with her and my grandfather gave me three black calves to take care of. I fed them bottles of milk round the clock. Incase you haven't seen a cow bottle you should LOL. (See blog)

Before I graduated I went between being an Radiologist or a Psychologist even thought about seminary for awhile. But I have a hard time working with people sometimes. I want to help them but they just give me lip.LOL After living with my mother one of my calves (I had two females and one male) the male Midnight got sick and had a cyst on his face. My mom and the vet held down the calf while I cut and drained the cyst. That was amazing! There was nervous horse in the stall who had gotten tangled in barbed wire and the other horse who was in heat making the nervous horse in a lot of pain. But I did it. I nursed Midnight back to health. He would come to my window at all hours looking for food. I loved taking care of them. i watched Mighty Joe Young (the newer one) and I decided I really wanted to be a zoologist or a large animal Veterinarian.

There are no zoos in H'ville just a free roam family owned safari so no zoo school for me and my dream didn't die my priority changed. I was called to be a military wife. I completely think that is true. I was called to be step parents to these lost boys and give my daughter more stability and eventually provide for my other two children. My sons. I will also think of Veterinary Medicine fondly and perhaps I will be a Vet tech one day and learn some of the trade. Maybe one day Huntsville will have a zoo (I doubt it) but I am and always have been willing to do the work on a farm or in a clinic or zoo,

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I love this quote but I also think that even though we aren't God's puppets on a string maybe divine intervention comes in and does some things for a reason. Its all a part of fate and our destiny. The only true Regret I have is giving Mackenzie to Adam that day. Even though somewhere deep inside of my I regret it. Also somewhere deep inside of me I also know God has a bigger reason for that. I was still filled with instability and one bad relationship after another. No life for a kid. I have so much more to offer him now and I am still working on giving more. I just try a little harder. I think I wish I wouldn't have given in to a peer pressure as a kid, done better in school, saved more of my valuables, I wish I had more pictures of my grand parents, I wish I hadn't waited till I was 27 and my husband was deploying to get my drivers license.... I guess we all have wishes of things we wished we hadn't done. Maybe I should have been a virgin till I got married. Maybe I shouldn't have married Adam and held out... Then would i have had Mackenzie. In church yesterday the Pastor spoke about holding out for the right person brings more gifts to your marriage. It gave me a lot to think about too. 
So I wish I had saved my virgiinity, I wish I wouldn't have given up a lot of my belongings, I wish I hadn't trusted certain people, I wish I hadn't listened to Helene and Adam that Fathers Day that Adam never brought Mackenzie back to me, I wish I hadn't pissed around in school when I did... but If I wasn't so sick, I didn't marry Adam, I didn't piss around in school... then maybe I wouldn't be who I am today. Everything in my life made me who I am down to the penny I picked up out of a parking lot. Changing one tiny thing can alter your life forever.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Kristin I would be at her side like there was no fight. I would fly to her or do whatever within my power to be at her side especially if Peter wasn't.

Jennifer. I would drive to her and help do whatever I could with her kids.

Most of all pray!

Day 20 of 30 DOT→ Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Ok here is the truth as I know it. I am Drug Free. I have to take prescriptions for depression (Lexapro), and Vitamins, Mucinex for my lungs, I have an Inhaler, and I have Thyroid Medicine... OTHER than that I do not partake in drug use for recreational purposes. I do not believe in drugs and I don't like it around me. The only drug I do for recreational purposes comes in the form of my drink and that is caffeine. I rarely ever drink alcohol Occasional (like every few months) glass of moscato wine or a few sips of a Long Island Ice Tea. I can't even drink a Long Island Ice Tea anymore without being sick. I don't the taste and I used to LOVE them and I used to drink Zima or Smirnoff. I love GOOD Tequila but everything I have tried is disgusting.. so I just don't drink alcohol.

I was born with many birth defects that more than one doctor has told me was caused by enviromental causes... Well see environmental causes is everything BUT the gene pool. They suspect it was caused by drugs and or alcohol use. They have suspected for awhile I have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome too. Three perfectly birthed children from my womb kind of prove the theory that its not genetic. Furthermore time and time again I have seen drugs cause people to loose their jobs, families, and lives and crumble into a hot mess... and steal whatever else.. THIS INCLUDES Marijuana use. However in true need of Marijuana for illness I think it should be legalized. I have had drugs effect my life in negative ways too much to be supportive of drug use in my life. Like my last relationship ended because he was popping xanax and drinking on top of it.. Okay so the xanax was prescribed but the prescription didn't say 6 pills at once and please drink alcohol with me... Or when he was secretly smoking pot and got arrested in front of my child... not acceptable ever...Can you think of any reason ever to get arrested buying, doing or having the possession of drugs with your children present? I can't!

Day 19 of 30 dot → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

We have been attending Willowbrook Baptist Church for almost three years now. We are guests. We are not Baptist but we are Christian. Sometimes I say I am Christian with Jewish Residue.. LOL Because Jewish people don't have it ALL WRONG. I am still finding, following and growing with my faith. Pastor Mark is like my leader teaching me about God. If you live in the area Pastor Mark has commercials for Willowbrook on TV and the radio. He is very entertaining and I love the way he teaches the bible. He gets you very involved and mixes history with the "reading" lesson. He is very pro active, hyper, and lots of humor its not a heavy down pour of church church money money.. Its more about community, love and togetherness. I grew up in a very small church called Trinity United Church which is now Trinity Community Church. Having 100 people attend on a Sunday is a good day. Mark would wonder if he didn't see the snow drifts or if something else big happened that he missed if there were only 100 people at Willowbrook. Between Willowbrook Main Campus and the almost 1 year old Willowbrook At Madison (which I attend) there are thousands. I always thought since I attended three small churches prior that I would be lost in the massive church. Willowbrook at Madison probably has 200-400 guests on some Sundays. But I don't feel lost at all. I feel like I can go to Mark, or Pastor Stone, or Elizabeth, Jennifer, or our site Pastor Kevin at Willowbrook at Madison and ask them anything. I am sure they would give me their shirt off their back. They might not know my first name. Elizabeth and I have joked about my facebook saying Bella so that's probably what she knows me by. But they would. When I go to church at Willowbrook at Madison I watch Pastor Mark on a big HD projected screen and again I am okay with that it doesn't bother me or take away from it at all (sorta like watching Nascar on TV if you were there in person you wouldn't have AS good a view LOL) I love bringing people to the church not just doing what the bible says to do but just because I would love for everyone to experience the wonderful things I experience. A few people have started attending because I brag on Willowbrook so much. I love that. When Willowbrook at Madison was being built the stage didn't have carpeting. Pastor Kevin asked us to go up to the stage and write down names of people I pray for or who I think are lost and would love to find a home. I wrote down Betty and Mike. Betty was attending Catholic Mass in AL and KY but I still prayed for her and Mike because they are on an amazing journey with the Army Life and parenting. Right before Mike deployed him and Betty attended Willowbrook and decided to have their baby dedicated to the church. I think they can tell you for themselves it was like being with family and it made me feel so good that day. Betty and Mike fell in love with Willowbrook the same way I had. Even if Betty was really into catholicism. How can you not love Willowbrook or Pastor Mark? Ok maybe to each their own LOL. I just think about the day I wrote their names (and a few others) on that stage... to be covered in carpet and never seen again and the impact just writing a name has and praying. Anyways I don't think that is what the DOT is about. What are my views on Religion. I am Christian but I would love to study and know more about other religions. I have friends that are Wiccan and I don't see why you can't believe in both. I have been to synagogue, and since knowing Betty I have learned about the Catholic and Lutheran faiths. Faith is personal it doesn't need a heading unless it helps you to identify with others. Which I don't need. If anyone wants to ask me I can have an hourS long conversation with them LOL. I don't need a shepherd but Mark is my shepherd now. I believe how I follow the Bible is between God and I and Rick and I often leave church and talk about the sermon for hours or days... lately William has been diverting our attention to playing chase at Wilson Lumber through the doors and windows that are on display. We like to share Willowbrook's message but the individual message to us is personal. I was saved when I was 12 at Trinity and I went through Confirmation and I know what it means. I don't think at this time I want to be Baptized again to join Willowbrook but I LOVE going.

My views on Politics? I don't know if I told you would you understand. I am not supporting Obama and never have. I have many times tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and I just feel he isn't for the American Good. I am patriotic and I think to send thousands to put their life at risk you basically should have also done it yourself. You can't be a CEO for a company you have never worked in. At least not a good one! Don't order my loved ones to March and scrub floors unless your willing to do the same. I don't see Obama as this person. I am not Democratic but I do lean on the Republican side even though I am not an actual republican. I don't vote per party I vote per who is good for the job. For example I like Joseph Lieberman but he used to be a democrat. I like Bob Barr Rep of Georgia... and he is in a small party now after leaving the major party. I believe our fore fathers didn't want to be overlords. I think we have gotten out of hand. Let the smaller states govern themselves and the Federal Government oversea us as a whole. I think that is what it was intended for. Once all the states agree on certain laws then they become Federal laws. I do believe *grin* that any state can succeed if they want to. If they find that something has gone terribly wrong. What are you going to say about it big boy if we can defend and financially support ourselves? I think we came as individuals and we COULD if necessary leave as individuals. A good bit of us as American's do not trust politicians to do their job and they SHOW us they can't for example the people leaving the state so they don't have to vote on the budget. Oh no that is so WRONG! Its not your DECISION your a representation of my vote... That's what your elected for that's what your PAID for....If you can't deal with that surrender your pay check to our Soldiers and get the hell out of office. Rick was concerned at one time that he thought I could be a strong conservative Republican like I was raised but now he jokes that I could run a militia lol

I didn't really stay on topic did I? Oh well lol

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

This post isn't meant to Offend anyone or Defend anyone. As I said before my Facebook My Rules! My Days of truth.. So here is the truth whether or not you like it! You can feel free to skip any of them.

As our constitution stands right now there is a separation of church and state. I am not saying I agree or disagree with that just saying my beliefs on Gay Rights are partly based on my beliefs, my family, my values, and of course the foundation and constitution for this country.

My oldest sister is Gay. I have known about it for a long time. I have known more females than males that she has dated or had a relationship with. Yes she has dated and was even married in the past to a male. She was also married to a female.. perhaps not in the eyes of God.. that isn't my judgement or for me to say.

Let me get down to the nitty gritty.

I personally think Marriage is between two people and God the state and government should have NOTHING to do with it. It is vows to your mate and GOD. They definitely shouldn't be making people pay unless the money goes to a church or mission.. oh wait that's not allowed! So the Government collects money because people love each other and want to show that in that way they choose AND they have to vow before God or to whom they worship.. So again why is the government involved?

I was watching an episode of ER years ago when the Gay Resident and her lover had a child. The lover and biological mother of the child died. The Resident (I do believe she is the one with the brace?) had helped raised their child. I say THEIR child because it doesn't matter who biologically is the child's parent right? RIGHT? Anyways when the mother died the parents and family of the mother took away those children from the only other parent they had ever known. I look at this logically the kid just lost their mother and now they are going to pull the child out of the stability of a home and the only other parent they have known because they were not legally married so therefore they have no legal right to the child? So the child can be raised by perfect strangers just because they are related by blood. I don't think that would sit well with me if it were me as the mother.

I spoke to my sister about this and she said she didn't really believe in Gay Marriage legally herself. HOWEVER she did believe that gay people did deserve the same rights... such as custody of children etc. I agree.

I agree even more since things have happened with my sister in the past few years. Her ex husband currently has joint custody of her children. He has no biological right to two of the children (as far as I know).. He didn't help raise the children for the most part. As far as I know they call him Robert... Not dad... Their Nana or Ishe is the person that financially supported them, raised them and was there since birth... not Robert. So if my sister is not able to raise her own children. Which right now she isn't... Then it should be the woman they call Ishe.. That woman and my sister are NO longer in a relationship but she has the right to raise these children she invested in so deeply. Okay so I call the ex husband a crazy asshole who hasn't done a thing for my sister, those boys, or myself. Just lies and manipulation and he is literally crazy in my opinion. Saying things like. If I can't have her no one will to me when she ran away from him... Okay STALKER!

I do believe he uses the boys as a pawn to just have ties to my sister. Right now Ishe is involved in their lives at his will.

So I say I don't believe in Gay Marriage because the bible tells me so heh lol. But I do believe in equal rights. Maybe like England? They have Civil Unions? Why can't there be a happy medium? If not for the people who choose to be gay but to protect the innocent and maybe just provide health care so we as a whole pay taxes for Medicaid and Medicare because they can't be covered under their significant other's insurance... just a thought.

Truly to be separated in church and state there can't be an argument. "They" say the bible says its against what it says and that's the reason its illegal in some states.. Okay so isn't that mixing church and state?

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

I don't remember when I read this but it was quite awhile ago. Maybe ten years ago? Incase your thinking this book made me Pro Life your wrong I was already pro life. I became Pro Life at the age of 18 after witnessing the miracle of birth for myself. But this did outline it for me and put it into perspective so it made me more Pro Life? Gianna also taught me about my own faith and how pity parties just don't get you anywhere but the people around you aggravated. So other than the bible Gianna Aborted... and Lived to Tell About It Shaped my life more than any other book I have ever read.

Day 16 → of the 30 days of Truth Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 16 → of the 30 days of Truth Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could have lived without loosing my son. I could have lived without almost the entire year of 2003... just saying.. enough said.

Day 15 → of the 30 days of Truth

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

There aren't too many things that I can't live without because I tried to. I can live without my Coca Cola Addiction I am just not strong willed enough yet. I can live without my computer but it is a anchor for me so I choose not to. I could live without sweets, my husband and almost anything else that is tangible.

I have tried to not be so bluntly honest. I tried to be old fashioned and keep quite like I was raised to be but It didn't help me any and it tortured me. Being so loud, bluntly honest, speaking my mind, speaking before I think--sometimes. Is for the good and for the bad. But I would rather be someone who is honest with themselves and be true as a person to others. Not keeping up with the Jones' (which I have tried) I am just not into how people perceive me. I could give a rats ass if you think I am dirty, messy, perverted, if you don't like me for any reason its your OPINION of me not a FACT... I don't have to prove a damn thing to you because I don't live with you and your not my God. Being approved BY you doesn't get me into heaven any faster... unless your someone who knows someone that knows Pope Benedict j/k So I have to say I can't live without speaking my mind and I have tried.
I have tried to keep my mouth shut when I was in an abusive marriage and someone I looked up to told me you know if you didn't smart off maybe he wouldn't get angry and hit you (Hindsight is 20/20 and now I think WTF!) I would keep my mouth shut and get hit anyways for not speaking. Damned if I do and damned if I don't so if being me is going to cause me to go to Hell then I might as well do it throughly. I know I am not going to hell because I am a faithful person that has confessed my sins and I am saved.

I can't live without God in my life and my faith in him. I can't live without my kids but I supposed I could after I have lived without Mackenzie in my life I am just not the same ME.

I can't live without writing... but I've never tried. I am a poet and a blogger and it comes naturally to want to speak to people.

I can't live without food, water, shelter, love... again but I have never tried to give it up. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

Day 14 of the 30 Days of Truth. A Letter to a Hero that let me down

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Helene,
Since I was young.. much younger I always felt like a responsibility a burden. Like you took care of me because I was sick and there was no one else. You felt you had to take care of me because it was the right thing to do. Like it is your guilt... When I turned 18 and started to live life for me and not under your roof. You basically told me hey your not my responsibility anymore your Martha's child. While Martha gave me the feeling that I was your responsibility. When I came into my own I felt motherless. I could understand the anger and hurt that Martha had. Living with you from the age of 10 till 18 I looked up to you a lot. You busted your ass, sacrificed time and effort. Lots of traveling, court dates, and doctors appointments and time in the hospital. The more Sherry was in the picture she became the favorite daughter. You would give her the little gifts and I felt jealousy and I didn't feel like your daughter. I called you mom... I introduced you as mom.. you introduced me as that girl you have custody of. I was the black sheep. I felt unwanted and I didn't feel I could ever make you, Duane, or Barbara proud of me. That's all I ever wanted from you guys is acceptance. Until one day I said why? I am sorry if that day became a disappointment for you. I am sorry if you felt like Duane and Sherry could never adopt because of how I effected their view of adopted children. I can't believe you actually said that to me. I can't believe you weren't supportive of the custody case with Mackenzie... not for MY sake but for the well being of Mackenzie. You turned your back on not only me but my children. Growing up from the age of 3 you WERE my hero. You WERE the wind beneath my wings I tried to show you the best way I could... But ultimately your out of my life now and you turned off the lights and locked the door on our relationship. Your not my kids Nana... Your closer to my sister than you are with me. I miss my family but I am not willing to be stabbed again and again by your disappointment in how I turned out when I did everything I could not to get disapproval. I can't give much more of myself and I don't plan on it. Because at the end of the day a Good Christian doesn't turn their back on family. A good Christian only lives to please God. I don't need your approval just my kids and God. At the end of the day... only I have to be happy with my life. When I become a foster parent I won't treat that child like oh this is the kid that lives with me... That child needs the same love and attention as other children probably MORE to make them feel reassured they are loved. At the end of the day I still tend to call you Mom because I know no other words. At the end of the day I always thought you were a Mother to me.

Day 13 of the 30 Days of truth

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
**This one was tough my favorite band is Age of Daze but I don't think a particular song has gotten me through tough times I just love their music*

Dear Mr. Allan.
I've been a fan for a long time. I have heard Man to Man and The One before the tough times hit. Tough times for you and for me. Your wife passed away in 2004 and the music you played and wrote during your time of recovery was from your soul. I think its important to be a good musician if you can sing from your soul. If you feel your music your fans will too. While I was down and in pain I was listening to See If I Care and Tough All Over. Some of the songs from those albums speak volumes of what my soul, my heart, my body, my mind want to scream. Your last three albums continue to speak to me. When i have a blue day I am sure to sing at least one of your songs and if my biography was based on lyrics they would be ones from your albums. That's why a lot of your songs are already on my blog soundtrack. Um I am not normally horrible at this letter writing stuff but as a fan of yours you truly play from your soul and it helps others make it one more day. Keep singing and writing... Your songs have soul, character, truth and meaning..

From a True Fan
Bella

What are Words-- Chris Medina

Day 13 Part Two..

Dear Chris Medina,
Its true your story about Juliana did strike a cord on winning America's hearts. Every good woman on earth deserves a man with your faith and devotion. Juliana must be a very special woman. But when I hear you perform you did send tingles down my spine. As the judges have said you sing from your heart and that's where your talent comes from. I am sure Juliana has helped make you the man you've come to be. The saying goes Behind every great man there's a great woman. I was heart broken when you were sent home. I laid in bed right after Idol and cried. I just said God has a bigger plan than we know. I hope he achieves his goal because a person with that type of soul deserves it. Then I thought to myself... what if I ever had the choice between death and watching Rick in a vegetative state or severely brain damaged... What would I choose? The fact that I couldn't choose and that it was a hard decision I just couldn't make. My thoughts that night gave me even more respect for you. Well the next night watching Idol seeing men go through that were more inconsistent than you were. I was angry seeing some of the others make it through. I am praying for you and praying for Juliana to make a full recovery so you can get married.

Sincerely
Kristy

Day 12 of the 30 Days of Truth -- Something you never get compliments on

No particular reason why I chose this caption from Will & Grace I just love her (it!)

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

I don't really get complimented on my parenting style.. I don't know why?? I mean I am not mother of the year but I do sacrifice a lot and have always been attentive of Skylar. William is a daddy's boy. 

So I am not voted Mother of the year or Wife of the year... ha lol.
Hell I am probably not even a good step mother.

I don't really get compliments on my style.. LMAO I only WISH I could look stylish. I know what style looks like but don't know how to translate that to me. My buddy Kira took me out shopping once and gave me some ideas.. otherwise I look to fashion of the skinny bitches that don't look like me or have my size wallet Hollyhell. 
Publish PostFrom outsides people think my Mommy group I've been running for ten years is a big fat joke.. Its certainly not a joke to me and I would be lost without a few of those women. yet I still am told its unhealthy...

I am not complimenting on my gaming skills.. I consider this a good thing lol.

I am not complimented a whole lot on my photography.

I am definitely not a good house wife and never claimed to be. I am an organized mess. I love to be organized but my house can look pretty messy. I just don't have good time management.. yet I am hardly ever late... unless like today I couldn't find my car keys because everyone in the house had borrowed them. Then my CAR locked my keys, purse, phone etc INSIDE my car... I put my stuff down to run inside to grab William... and my car auto locked my keys.. So I almost made Rick late for his doctors appointment while he came to save his damsel in distress. I never claimed to be a neat freak. My oldest sister and adopted mom are OCD cleaners... I just don't get the point in making a bed every day? I think I need Flylady to save me... 

I am not complimented on my driving aside from James. I learned to drive at the age of 27 just moments before Rick deployed and I swear I got a pity vote and got my license because she knew he was deploying and I promised her I would only go to the Commissary and PX (sorry I lied!) My friend Pegan thinks I drive like a Grandma but she is proud of her lead foot LOL. I get easily anxious in a car because it is one of my biggest fears after knowing several people die in car Accidents plus several of my own mishaps LOL... 3 hours after I got my learners permit in Calhoun. I was driving the wrong way in the Wal-mart parking lot and plowed my Oldsmobile Cera into a Dodge Ram. Of course you couldn't see any damage on that jacked up 3 month old Dodge Ram (even if there was $8K) but there was a hole above my head light all the way down the side board of my car... What's that called? Then when I got my drivers license. Rick was in KS in training and I swipped a car in the Commissary parking lot not a lot of damage to either car. It was my bad I admit.. I was trying to avoid the Case Lot Sale Tent behind me and I am not too confident on my handling and vision. Oh yes and lets not forget me totaling the Green Machine in October 07 just weeks after Rick had boots in the ground... but I haven't had anything since then... except I hit one curb texting while driving on post near Magnolia Circle... NOW I don't text or talk while I drive unless its an emergency! 

I could probably tell you 101 things I am not complimented on... my weight gain since William, my scars all over my body, my facebook skills lolz, My spanish or lack there of, my hair, my skin, my double chin, my extended family, my college degree that I don't have LOL.. but I have a great pair of shoes on and the cutest purse!