The truth of depression

This is the face of depression. 

I have had depression since I was 21. This year has been one of the hardest years by far. The only other really bad bout I had was when Adam died and Mackenzie was taken from me but Skylar saved me from that. I realize depression lies but the truth about depression when someone see's your depressed they often times make it about them. They want to hear what's wrong but when you tell them they say... "That's not true.", "I didn't mean to. (See they make it about them)". "How can I help?"  It goes on and on.  At what point where they listening to you? There's the truth about depression. Sometimes you need to shut your pie hole and listen and accept what they have to say and if you feel so inclined to make their life better than actually SHOW them the world is different than they believe. If you say I will devote more time... I will try to talk more... I will ____ then actually do it and stick with it! Or don't do anything at all or you will make an ugly downward spiral. If its not true and you didn't mean to then show them its NOT true if you didn't mean to then DON'T do it again. Be there for them and actually listen (there is not always a need for you to say anything) just LISTEN be a good listener. 

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I got Postpartum Depression when I had Mackenzie. With the abuse and the family problems I was having it developed into full blown depression, Then when Adam took Mackenzie I got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got pregnant with Skylar 6 months later and had to hide her (and me) due to Adam's threats. I was so devastated and missed Mackenzie so much. I would see a picture of a older child touching moms pregnant belly or two siblings (like my nephews -- who were closely the same age as my children) and the depression hit its lows during my pregnancy. I didn't like where I was living. I was surrounded by dead beats and loosers. I had gotten myself into another situation that was hopeless. At least for me as sick as I was when I was pregnant. When I gave birth to Skylar things got a little better and thought how could I ever want to do that when I have this miracle. Things got bad quickly again. I pleaded DHR for help often collapsing into tears whenever I was questioned about Mackenzie or how I was doing. Skylar wasn't three months old when Adam died and I found out almost a month later that he had died. I knew things were going to be real difficult with Mackenzie. I couldn't get my family to back me. I couldn't get the support I needed from my boyfriend. I had to push forward for my kids. After I lost the custody battle I had an appointment with DHR again and I collapsed again and they said okay its time to get you help and they did. I went to the Mental Health Center and got set with a psychiatrist and therapist but like all underpaid government workers it was limited but I got the diagnosis and meds I needed.. Another diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I never wanted to act on a suicide. I was what my therapists have said I was passive aggressive suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up and not cause anyone suffering and pain. I had a dream one night that we were having a good old fashioned Lock In at Trinity (the church I grew up in) and it was a nightmare... I saw demons dragging the souls of my friends and loved ones. I woke up and I realized depression/suicide can just be the devils way of giving up on God. Some Christians believe Suicide is a sin and if you commit suicide you go to hell. I think suicide is more than just a selfish act I can't imagine being in so much pain the only way to escape is death. At that point I decided that the "devil" wasn't going to tempt me and I slowly came out of the depression. I continued to have rough times but I didn't need my meds again until recently. I know where my head is and I know when to get help. One of my favorite actors hung himself and committed suicide it was a tragic loss for me and it was hard to grasp it for so long. I hear about 10 year olds giving up on life and trying to claim their own and to me that is so tragic. There is more help out there and someone WILL love you. For now I am okay because I know my kids need me and I would never do that to them. The Depression can come and go but I don't think I will ever be suicidal again.