I have had depression since I was 21. This year has been one of the hardest years by far. The only other really bad bout I had was when Adam died and Mackenzie was taken from me but Skylar saved me from that. I realize depression lies but the truth about depression when someone see's your depressed they often times make it about them. They want to hear what's wrong but when you tell them they say... "That's not true.", "I didn't mean to. (See they make it about them)". "How can I help?" It goes on and on. At what point where they listening to you? There's the truth about depression. Sometimes you need to shut your pie hole and listen and accept what they have to say and if you feel so inclined to make their life better than actually SHOW them the world is different than they believe. If you say I will devote more time... I will try to talk more... I will ____ then actually do it and stick with it! Or don't do anything at all or you will make an ugly downward spiral. If its not true and you didn't mean to then show them its NOT true if you didn't mean to then DON'T do it again. Be there for them and actually listen (there is not always a need for you to say anything) just LISTEN be a good listener.
Disclaimer:: This is my day of truth not YOURS. Its how I feel not you If you weren't there you don't know. I am not blaming anyone for how I am today either!
Day Four -- Something I need to forgive someone else for... I didn't have a hard childhood but it has effected me for the rest of my life. My biological and adopted father's were both abusive when they drank. My biological father has psychological problems and has been out of my life completely since 2001. He burned his bridge into my life and I haven't seen him since 1989. He took a lot from my soul I can never get back. I can't speak for my mother but I wasn't a priority in her life for a very long time. I faced many operations without her by my side because she was in another state, with a different guy, doing what she needed to do. I don't know why my sisters and I were often dropped off at my "adopted" mother's house many summers. I don't know why one year she didn't come back for me. I don't know why when I flew alone from my sperm donors in California why she wasn't there to get me at the airport. I don't know if I want these answers. Some of the answers I have gotten have been things I probably didn't want to hear anyways. At the age of 10 I lived with my "adopted mother and father" I was a sick child and had to have operations every summer. She cared for me and watched over me. When I was a late teenager. I had some rough times and got into trouble like most teenagers do. I rebelled some but I wasn't in bad trouble. I felt like I became the black sheep. Slowly but surely my adopted family pushed me out and we stopped talking all together in 2007. So when I was 18 I was left feeling like I wasn't wanted by my biological mother because she was hurt. I was left feeling like my "adopted" mother didn't want me because I was 18 and no longer her burden. She turned her cheek because she didn't like some of my actions... Again I didn't do ANYTHING horrible! I have never served time in prison, I am not a drug addict, alcoholic... I didn't get pregnant as a teenager and drop out of school-- not that THAT is horrible but it would be to her. I guess both of my mothers were going through their own turmoil and the result was me without a complete relationship with my mother. Most people have their mother at the birth of their child... I didn't get that. My biological mother stayed for the vows at my first wedding but I didn't see her afterward. My grand parents didn't come to my wedding. There were fights with my sisters because I didn't have bridesmaids. I think my "adopted" mother didn't want my oldest sister in the wedding. Perhaps because she just didn't agree with her lifestyle. Perhaps it was because she is bi sexual. I don't know. Again I never asked for answers and answers I never have gotten. Not sure I want them now. Many times in my grown up life my adopted mother thought I stole heirloom jewelry from her when I didn't. Many times I had an ex boyfriend or my abusive first husband tell her HIS side of the story and she always picked his side over mine. DAMMIT I am your daughter! Your faith is supposed to be in ME or at least ASK! I asked her for help getting out of my last relationship because he was an alcoholic abusing xanax (6 at a time mixed with moon shine?) and she just said wait till the holidays are over. Well I broke up with him right before New Years Eve.. I wasn't going to spend another year with his torture (almost five years dealing with that!) I moved on and looked for other help. I had an opportunity and I took it. That night I had to live horror all over again. my ex took Skylar and hid with her in the woods. I went to several different police agencies and no one would help find her. She was KIDNAPPED. He isn't her FATHER. I lived the issues with Mackenzie all over again. Thankfully his uncle returned Skylar to my arms. Rick and I developed a relationship but I NEVER cheated on Donnie EVER. Yet she took the crazy drug addict's side over mine! She told people that I was crazy and I deserved to have Skylar taken from me... after she watched Mackenzie being ripped from my arms and acted like she was helpless to help. For awhile she was supportive in taking me to the lawyers, helping pay for her at first, taking me to visitations... Then I had to have a major operation. I was told to stay away from Mackenzie. After that her life was always too busy to take me to anymore visitations. She stopped helping me pay for the lawyer too so I lost a lawyer... yet I was too sick to get a job to pay on my own. EVEN if she knew Mackenzie would be placed in a potentially volatile situation. The day of court she didn't even show up for support. NO ONE DID! She was under the weather with a UTI she said... Of course when I lost Mackenzie she said well I knew that would happen. WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT TO THEIR CHILD? Complete devastation set in for over a year. Yet Skylar not yet a year old still needed a mother. She still needed me and I was reeling! Begging for help.
Another person I have to forgive is Adam my first husband. Through his abuse, Him not taking care of himself so he wouldn't DIE. He should have been treating his epilepsy... It almost felt like selfish suicide. Epilepsy isn't deadly if its treated! At least his was never that bad. I have to forgive Adam for keeping Mackenzie away from me and treating me like I was the abusive one. Treating me like I was a criminal which lead to the circumstances above where Mackenzie was finally taken by his mother. If he would have taken care of this and worked out issues with Mackenzie and taken care of himself I would still have my baby... yet his hate drove him so far. Adam's father always told me he would be a father to me no matter what. Yet when Adam covered his ass and spread his lies to his family they turned their back on me and as far as I am concerned they turned their back on Mackenzie too. Robert (Adam's dad) knew what kind of situation it was. He KNEW he would probably never see Mackenzie again either... yet no one was there at court. It was very painful for me. I was mourning for Adam, dealing with my issues with my "adopted" mother, My boyfriend at the time was having issues, I had a newborn, plus trying to keep up with the custody battle. It will be a long time before I can forgive Adam.
Now I am told I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Its possibly a chemical imbalance that I was born with triggered by these risk factors...
Risk factors for BPD include:
Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
Disrupted family life
Poor communication in the family
Sexual abuse
This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.
I also have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because of the events that happened with Mackenzie and Skylar. I never trust anyone with Skylar. I mean ANYONE. I have blown up at her school for not letting me in the building during operating hours. I don't like her not being accessible to me. Now I am showing the same triggers with William.
No I am not blaming anyone but myself for choices I have made since adulthood but sometimes the proof is loud. BPD is caused by childhood trauma. PTSD is caused by Traumatic events. Most of my operations are caused by environmental (drugs, alcohol, etc) properties not genetic defects... Doctors say this... NOT ME. How are these things not putting a direct effects on my relationships and decisions?
We had a rough night last night. I immediately felt regretful for my actions. I did realize two causes of my actions are 1. my wounds that his decisions dealing with the family still are very open and real. 2. I am "damaged". Alot of what I do when it comes to Rick is a product of my abusive relationship of 5 years. Its no more fair to Rick to chew him out for scars from the previous as well as the other 27 years of my life and Borderline Personality Disorder... than it is for him to expect me to accept his decisions without my feelings in regard to staying in the Military and the priorities for this family. However I know alot of this drama is caused from both sides from not healing enough before getting involved with each other. So we have to not only face the challenges of marriage but challenges of working together a life of understanding that we both have a lot of repairs that need to be done. So yes you understand now that we have more challenges ahead than just the average marriage and as long as Rick and I can both accept the challenges of marriage (second ones at that), that we both come in some sort of damaged package, the military brings on its own challenges, as well as dealing with the chemistry of having a blended family and a new child together. I want to apologize to Rick but he isn't home from work yet. I am apologizing in my blog because I know he will read it at some point at least on Myspace. Last night I started having braxton hicks for the first time in my life. A bit scary but after three pregnancies at least I know I wasn't in harm. They were painless just uncomfortable and more uncomfortable for the baby. I had to get the braxton hicks to calm down then I had to get the baby to go to sleep so I could finally drift off. That was for about 30 minutes before I woke up coughing so hard I didn't have a chance to catch a breath. I got about 4 hours of peaceful sleep till I woke up from another coughing fit. Again I coughed so hard I choked on a halls.. ha. All morning the look on Rick's face last night has been playing in my head and shaking me to my core. A little piece of me died. I know I hurt him and I hurt myself. Everyone is frustrated at the situation. I am not alone at being angry at the situation. But you can't fight the military and you can't cry over spilled milk. You pick up you move on and you try not to repeat the mistakes that were made. I am just afraid that one day trying isn't going to be enough... thats how it was in the past.
Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.
James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!
As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!
Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.
The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.
We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.
There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.
As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.
Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!
So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....
Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up.
James gave me an excuse today and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!
As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concered if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!
Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.
The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.
Its an as ugly word to me as Cancer. Because its a daily fight for me. No I don't use BPD as a crutch in my opinion. I don't use it as an excuse. For those who don't know BPD is the uncontrollable feeling of being abandoned. Like being sick I have perfectly fine days where it lays low. Then I have ok days where I am just blue and I wouldn't say I feel abandoned. Then I have the purely rotten days where it can be just too much to take. I have always had a unique way of thinking. I have a unique body as well. Yes I am weird I know it LOL. With my uniqueness, I know what's possibly happening in my head and usually I can talk to myself and be ok. If there is something in my daily life that happened. I say to myself Hey is that my BPD kickin in or is it fact. Sometimes I ask for a trusted person's opinion to make sure my thoughts are clouded. Some days BPD is apparent and a little worse where now I have started comparing myself to Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy. I can look back on my day and say wow I was having quite the Meredith day wasn't I? How this relates to the deployment? Well obviously you would assume you would feel somewhat abandoned. Rick & I spoke about this before he left. At the same point my best friend and I stopped talking. We are no longer friends and won't be. So I said to him Well shit this is really going to compound the situation. I have let every tear of mine hit her shoulder for at least 4 years. Rick is very good at understanding my situation. I am thankful for that because Donnie would often say the pain and the BPD was in my head. Even with doctor's diagnosis. Since Rick came home for the weekend and now he's back in MiTT training I am a bit more BPD I am feeling more loneliness and missing him so much more. I still think a psychologist might help but I haven't made the appointment. I guess I will grow and learn to talk my way through it. As I did all along...It has to get worse before it gets better...
