What Hurts the Most by Rascall Flatts

 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

Its been a rainy tough day today. I can take the rain and storms any day. The rain is not what bothers me. I can take a few tears now and then. Songs like this certianly have triggered my blogging bug and my emo bug. I can take the tears and let them out. They don't burn my cheeks but going on everyday without you still stings. Your not here to hold. Your not here to share my fears with. I open up to you still but its just not the same.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

The scars from this deployment will run deep maybe forever maybe they will heal. Memories like when the last time I took you to the airport have left scars that I didn't know existed until I heard this song. I hold a certain amount of regret from Midtour. I just try to think about the Memories we have made since our first days together in 2007. The wonderful places we have been. The things we have experienced together that I wouldn't want to experience with no one else. The thoughts that still linger are the words that are left unsaid, the memories that are left undone, The to-do list that just seems to be longer, our wishes and goals ungranted. The fact that with strength I didn't know I had I let you walk on that airplane the last time I took you to the airport. The devistation, the panic, the broken heart after you got on the plane. I couldn't find you. With Skylar and James sitting there wondering where you had gone to. The fact that I had to leave the airport with words unsaid and without one last kiss. Has left so much on my soul.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

I still can't say that us Silent Ranks have the hardest job in the army. Having put my life on hold. Watching soldiers everywhere I turn is a painful reminder of you being gone. I am proud to stand beside a Marine, An Airman, or a Soldier (Not to many Navy in these parts.) There are days when I act like I am ok and I just want to scream I am Fine!!! But there is so much hidden pain. Its hard to deal with the pain. Its hard to force a smile for the kids on some occasions. Its hard to smile when people smile at me. When people thank me for what you do. When they have no real clue the sacrafice. You know that Bulletin/email that goes around that talks about why soldiers go days without showers? A girl online asked me why don't you have water. They really have no clue that you do without the most basic needs. That you would take a kiss and a hug over a shower anyday. Everyday I have to get up and get dressed and live my life and everyday its another challenge to face "alone". The day you walked away I would go back and do so much differently. Midtour would be different. I would be different. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much pain. The tears in my eyes don't sting so much but the burden on my heart and soul never fades. The sting of watching you disappear in the airport that day has left some deep scars. The fact that I neglected you so much on Midtour, How can I forgive myself?

Tomorrow I have to wake up and relive all this over again. I have to walk beside these wives that aren't so proud as I am. These people that just don't get it sadly. We have been overseas for so long and people just don't want to understand what you are put through. People don't understand us left waiting feel everyday that you are gone.

Damn straight I know I am strong. I know that I have come along way in a year. I know that this is over soon. I finally realized what I have accomplished and I know what I do that makes you hold on. I know that my strength has finally appeared in my eyes. I will forever be strong for you. My tears I shed aren't a sign of weakness and my fears don't make me weak either because I am willing to face them with you beside me if not in body in spirit. If you didn't love me as much as you do I don't know how this would be. I love you. I will be here waiting.

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that’s what I was tryin to do

If you can't stand behind them try to stand in front of them!

 

So I woke up this morning and felt a little better. I totaled my car on Saturday and Sunday my neck was stiff that I didn't want to move it. USAA called me, this morning, and I got out of bed and then the back spasms started. The lady on the phone with me is like look you need to be seen. I am supposed to have preferential treatment at the Army Health Center because Rick is deployed. Some lady came in to the Waiting Spouses meeting and we talked about all this benefits for us at the Army health center. Gave us a phone number to call so we didn't have to wait on hold for appointments. Usually the wait time to make an appointment is 30-40 minutes. I called the # and had to leave a message. Ok what is the difference if I have to leave a message and have you call me back or I wait on hold for 30 minutes right? She calls me back and she's like yeah why did you call my private line? I was like because I am a waiting spouse and this is the number they gave me to call. She's like oh well its ok to call the appointment line now I was just at the appointment desk and we have three new doctors so there isn't much of a wait. So she said the ONLY appointment she had for me was at 9 am on Tuesday. Yes I turned it down because Skylar has to go to playgroup and ballet. I am not going to make her miss the Halloween party and ballet because of my pain that may or may not be anything or may or may not even be treated by these people. I had to repeat my symptoms to this lady numerous times. Whole time she is bitching about her computer and how I could have called the appointment line. She wasn't even listening to me. Mary Breaden who is the head of the waiting spouses from Army Community Service was calling while I was on the phone. I even said to the lady on the line on Mary Breaden from ACS is calling. She's like I don't know a Mary. So I turned down the 9 am appointment and called Mary back just to tell her about the accident but then I started bitching about the health service and how it was useless that we had preferential treatment. She's like oh no you need to call back and say so and so says. By the time I got back on the actual Appointment line I was the third in line in que. I forgot their names. No biggie I got an appointment on Thursday. I said oh if I feel better I will just call and cancel again they said this is the only appointment they had. Oh wait I thought Tuesday was the only appointment you had? Now all of a sudden I call back and you give me a new appointment time? I wasn't asked  to be pushed in right away. I just wanted to make sure everything was in check. Well I am over at my friends house today decorating cookies. I started getting weak and spacey and woozy. Then I was getting pissed at them. I was like WTH my husband is deployed and I am taking care of three "kids" and you want me to be out of it? What if I did have whiplash or a serious injury? I can't go off post because then they probably wouldn't even pay for an ER visit. How is the Army taking care of the spouses while the husbands are gone? This is ridiculous! How can I take care of three kids being this weak. What's worse is my friend was telling me her husband is over seas but not in the sandbox. He woke up in the middle of nowhere and he didn't know where he was or how he got there being chased by cops. PTSD (Post Traumatic stress disorder) and because of where he is at he's not getting treatment for PTSD! AGAIN IMHO that's ridiculous! He could end up dead! How is the military really taking care of our soldiers? They don't give a crap! Next person I encounter who says a bad damn thing about the troops is literally going to get spit on if not knocked into next week by me because these guys and gals go through torture and I don't see proof the government cares about them at all!

What is the most creative Halloween costume you've ever seen or worn yourself?

I was going to be something really girlie one year and then it started having snow flurries so my dad threw together the headless man costume. I thought it was cute :)

Brother Stalker?

Since Alex has came home. He started laundry, ate his burger king, took the three S's LOL and played on his laptop in the Living room floor. Skylar sat quietly on the couch behind him till she passed out around 8. I carried her to bed with me and then the first thing she says when she woke up this morning. Mommy what do you think Alex is doing? I said James and Alex are playing games why don't you go watch so now she's been watching the boys play games. James finally passed out I am sure he was up all night. Alex is on James' computer and Skylar is watching quietly. She hasn't left his side.

You can take the cat out of the wild but you can't take the wild out of her

Sometimes my 11 year old cat Lightening gets in these moods. She will start walking around howling. I guess its a territorial thing maybe its just cause she is lonely?

Yesterday I hear her making this low meowing sound and she walks into the room with a fake mouse toy that I bought for the other cat. Drops it at my feet. Aww she loves her mommy! LOL

Rough Week

What a rough week.
I wanted to quit smoking this week and if I did I would be setting myself up for failure.
First Sprint Billing got messed up do to too many changes in our plan. James and I got that fixed. Then Alex's schedule changed. Alex my oldest step son who is now 21 and in the army himself. He is going oversea's in a few weeks and he decided to come "home" and visit his siblings before he left. He wanted me to pick him up in Atlanta. Rick said firm no he can buy a bus ticket cheaper than you driving and your just not ready. So off on the bus Alex goes after spending the night in Atlanta. Oh I was pissed at his changes and the lack of me knowing anything in advance. But then it turned to worry. I was raised in Atlanta I have seen the roughness of it. Bless his heart. Then he finally arrived in Huntsville about 4 today I pick him up and on the way back from the grey hound station I get in a car accident and I think the car is  totaled . I am pretty sure the police ruled it no-fault but since I am very new at driving & new to Huntsville I am not sure. But my friends who met me up there reassured me I would be ok and that it was probably a no-fault. My friend was nice enough to come get Alex, Skylar and I. Take us back to our house. Drop of Alex's belongings. I think he brought everything he owned! What he didn't have on his back he shipped and it arrived this morning. We are all ok from the accident and the other car was even driveable at least enough to get her home I think and everyone was ok in that car. As I said my friends came and got us took us to drop of Alex's stuff then took us to Burger King so Alex could have real food and I could talk to James about the car. I told James just a warning but my friends would be picking him up when he got off. Then they took me to the gas station to get some final things I knew I would be needing. Luckily I went to the grocery store this morning and got some food but not much since its the end of the month and I am low on cash. I talk to Rick when he woke up today and he is ok with everything concerned about me and feels bad he can't be here to do something about it. They say when the Army does this to a family that everything breaks well the most expensive thing we had broke! Thank God we don't own this house we live in. Well we have the other house but oh geez. I left out details of the accident and some other drama from around here. My heart is just broken I let my husband and kids down. Its very hard for me to take and the way Rick takes it the way he does he is Husband of the Year in my book. I am very lucky to have him and we are deeply in love.

Beautiful Story of a Dad

http://www.cjcphoto.com/can/

3 Months

3 Months ago today. Rick started his training in Kansas. We have seen each other a total of a week since then. We have a long journey ahead of us while he finishes his deployment in the next year but we will make it. I am proud for all he has accomplished and what he does for me (us too!)

Wax Anyone

Hair Removal....This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to

who wrote this, but...WHAT A HOOT!)...................

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their

promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors,

razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,

fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that

would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine

cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was

one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot

wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they

get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg

(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

Video Blog You Save Me

Check out this video: Kenny Chesney - You Save Me




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Every now and then
I get a little lost
The strings all get tangled
The wires all get crossed
Every now and then
I'm right upon the edge
Danglin' my toes out over the ledge
I just thank God you're here

(Chorus)
['Cause] when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
['Cause] when I'm a firecracker comin' undone
When I'm a fugitive ready to run
All wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

It's hard lovin' a man
That's got a gypsy soul
I don't know how you do it
I'm not sure how you know
The perfect thing to say
To save me from myself
You're the angel that believes in me
Like nobody else
And I thank God you do

(Chorus)

Well I know I don't tell you nearly enough
I couldn't live one day without your love

When I'm a ship tossed around on the waves
Up on a high wire that's ready to break
When I've had just about all I can take
Baby, you,
Baby you save me

(Chorus)



I am sitting here in tears watching this video. Not because your so far away. Not because your in danger. But because your love runs so deep its scary. Words have escaped me when your on the phone other than small talk and the I love you's. As always I am better writing than I am saying it aloud. I wouldn't even be able to verbalize my words already written. I've heard this song a time or two before but each time I hear it I do think of us. How you say I am your anchor keeping you sane and steady in the rough waters. Oh god it gets so emotional for me. Perhaps thats why my tongue doesn't wrap around the words. Finally a beautiful man saved me and he thinks **I** hung the moon and stars. HA! He's made a home for us not a house but a home and it could be all gone tomorrow and I would still feel at home as long as I had you and our kids. A home is built within the heart and when pieces of your heart are missing or your missing them thats when you feel homesick. Every now and then I get a little weary... and you save me. When you sense I may be twirling down or giving up.. Baby you save me. I know you don't think so. But it's so simple. You just tell me how proud you are of me and how much you love me and thats enough to give me hope and push forward and I am stronger than before. gah, just the words of the song speak how we feel, both of us. I can't imagine living one day without your love. Baby You Save Me.

The Beauty of God’s Blessings - October 20

People who depend on circumstances and other people for the strength they need to keep going will constantly be frustrated and worried, like a pilot flying a plane whose fuel tank is empty and there is no place to land for refueling. But people who depend on Jesus Christ to energize and motivate the inner person have the adequacy they need for every circumstance of life.

~~Warren W. Wiersbe
The 20 Essential Qualities
http://groups.google.com/group/marcellas-inspiring-collection/

Which deceased or living person would you clone and why?

I don't believe in human cloning. But it would have to be my grandfather because he is the best person I have ever known.

Fools Rush In

I just love this movie :)

Army Wedding Vows

Those of you who know us you know the Preacher forgot some vows to recite so here we go...

Body: Army Wedding Vows
Body: If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.

Dear family and friend, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and the Department of the Army to witness this exchange of vows and to see the love that these dedicated, loving people have for one another.

I, ______________________________________ , take (who was once referred to as the ‘dependent’), as your Family Member, to dwell together in so far as the Department of the Army will permit?”

“Wilt thou love her, comfort her via the Postal Service or over the telephone, make sure she knows where the commissary, PX, clinic and the church are and what time she is scheduled to use the laundry room the day she arrives, wherever you are stationed?”

“Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that you will be leaving for two weeks, beginning the next morning? This especially applies to the years you will live in a foreign country!”

“Wilt thou, , take this soldier as thy wedded husband, knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well, almost) Army Wife, running the household as you see fit and being nice to the Commander’s Wife (even when it is hard to)? Further, you understand that your life with your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, that you may have to explain to your children, not once but twice and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, that children do have daddies, and that the picture of the man on the refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks the in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This soldier is their daddy, who loves then very, very much”

"Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite meals when he does come home and freezing them when he doesn’t? When he is gone wilt thou send him all his favorite cookies and pictures of yourself and the children so he can remember what you look like? When you are separated on your anniversaries (which will happen more often than not) you will remember this special day and celebrate it on the closest day possible to the actual date. And last but not least, put on the outside of the door his ‘WELCOME HOME’ sign when he is due to arrive.”

“I, , take thee
, as my independent wife from 1900 to 2200 hours or as long as allowed by my Commanding Officer (subject to change without notice) for better or worse, earlier or later, near or far, and promise to look at the pictures you send me, maybe not when they get to me in the field, but before I turn out the lights. I will also send you a letter if time permits, and if not, to somehow, someway make the time. I will also remember this special day and will try to telephone you somehow, someway on the anniversaries we are separated.”

Poem

I was looking for a Poem by Napoleon but I cam across this instead I had to change some of the words to translate it

Listen to the wind, my honey
listen how my beats are flying away
comi' into you in silennce
my thought are lost and cryin'.
Listen to the night,my love
there is no distance between us
everything is inside my hand
from the firs moment we met
till the end of time.
This is a no where to run
only your eyes and mine are here
only a feelin' inside us
that makes happiness in our hearts.
I finally know what I feel
Ijust find what I've lost
and ther's no hell to damm love
'cause my heart would breake
but I'll still fell in love.

Army Needs new Motto's

Hurry up and Wait... You know how HARD this is for a military wife? Do you really want me to freaking go postal by hurrying up and waiting on word? UGH!

I heard this at boot camp... If the Army wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one? Does this mean you shouldn't be married? Just married to the damn military? LOL

Army of One... Ok so why do they need my husband to fight the war on terror when they only need an Army of One? LMAO

My Day

Today was a pretty bland day. I took James to work early this morning and came home and talked to Rick. Then I cleaned up some. Watched Obsession. Skylar quickly got bored playing SIMs on my computer. I think she likes to annoy me with Can I play sims? More than she actually likes playing it. Or maybe mommy would just pull something sneaky by not watching her play on MY computer LOL. Then shortly after 3 I picked up James from work came and dropped him and Skylar off and ran to the bank and to the PX to grab ice creams. Then home again and sat around till the power went out. I went to Target driving was BAD BAD BAD. But we got a few groceries and came home where I sit once again.

Is the idea of marriage too outdated for the 21st century?

I might have answered differently till I fell in love with my husband.

What makes a book 'good' and why?

Of course a book with a topic your interested in reading about. Its like a movie it has to have a good story line. It has to flow well. Keep me interested in the end. For me personally I can get bored with a book easily. Usually I read Romance Novels, Inspirational, Biography's, and some others. I guess I have to walk away from the book with more knowledge when I opened it unless its a romance novel. Oh and a book most certainly trigger your imagination.

God James

I bought Skylar a box of cheese its because she asked for it. Then James eats them. Rick and I yell at him about it. he says No one told me they were for Skylar. I buy a second box of cheese its for Skylar again James eats them. I bought her a can of soup and gold fish to go with the soup. I fix soup tonight and I said James did you eat the Goldfish? He's like yeah? I was like OMG James! He's like I like Goldfish. NO ONE told me they were for Skylar. I said Goldfish is a toddler food I thought the first box of cheese its and me buying a second box would be your clue! I said the cat likes goldfish too did I buy them for her? LOL
PITA will not eat FOOD just junk. If it looks like Junk food and has been in the cabinet 24 hours and doesn't contain chocolate you can kiss it good bye