Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time¹

^{You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point?} 

I'll wait, I'll wait

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Little do you know

I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

Little do you know

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies ¹

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait

I love you like I've never felt the pain,

Just wait

I love you like I've never been afraid,

Just wait

Our love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait (I'll wait)

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies

---

1 FOOTNOTE^{↩ Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra} 

 

Fairy tales

So I am on the third book of a book series and my Face Book friends must think I never read because I have been having several status just about this book series. I am currently reading the Crossfire Series by Sylvia Day.. It was highly recommended to me after I finished 50 Shades of Grey but I never picked it up. Honestly I LOVE books I am a classic literature freak... Beowulf, Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe... etc. The greats I could get lost. In the Crossfire books the main characters Eva and Gideon have a love that is co dependent and most people would say unhealthy... They can't live without each other and they physically need each other. There are relationships where I've felt that need or felt I needed it in return. There are relationships where I would listen to the sappy love songs and wished that I could dedicate them to someone or they would dedicate them to me. That we would feel like that. That we would feel like the words of our own song. I read an article a few years ago that said the Twilight Romance is unhealthy for marriages because wives begin to expect that type of love out of their romance. What about way before that? What about the romance in movies? Or Romeo and Juliet? What great lengths that Romeo and Juliet would do to be together. Some pieces of 50 Shades of Grey were a lot like my past in a relationship I once had where he was terribly beautifully broken then with Eva and Gideon I think how ironic it is that the characters (even the gay best friend in the book) reflect my own life. No my husband isn't a hunky ribbed ab'd martial artist with billions and he certainly doesn't stalk me (or does he?) He's hunky to me *blush* and the character in the book Gideon possess some very similar traits to +Richard . Some I thought he had when we first were just friends, Some I wished he would have and some he does have. Gideon is like Rick in many different aspects its like a prism. Some of the quotes from the book make me do a face palm because I am like that is so like Rick or Eva your so like me... even though I find her a twit like most female leads in the books I read. I guess that's the going thing for romance novels when that's not me or whom I like at all. I am very independently thinking, strong, take no crap kinda gal... Amelia Earhart, Beatrix Potter... are all some of my favorite women. They didn't follow rules certainly not the ones men or society laid out for them. The women who had the mental abilities and strength of any man but still had the kindest softest heart of a woman.  But that's getting off topic. The girls in the books I read like Bella from Twilight and Eva from these Crossfire books just seem to be puddy in the male hands. No I WON'T Be with you then of course they fall in the next second and give in to every command... ugh.

I saw P!nk on Ellen (another woman I admire) and I had to laugh what P!nk said about her and her relationship. Ellen said well now your happily married. P!nk just laughed and said we are married things aren't always happy. We are REAL. I think that explains my marriage too. Our marriage really seemed fairy tale in the beginning perhaps that's why I am here (haha) I often told him I was on cloud nine... but after the Army, deployments, diagnosis',  a baby and more... we are worn now. Cloud Nine isn't all puffy white clouds and falling is even harder when you've been raised so high and let down before. Our marriage isn't always Romeo and Juliet... it never will be. Its not Bella and Edward, Christian and Ana, Diana and Charles, Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, Elvis and Priscilla, or even Eva and Gideon. Its Bella and Rick :) Its not always a love song, a poem, or a fairy tale its what's real. We have bills, sickness, work, and stress like everyone else. In ways all those things define us good and bad. We came into this marriage with baggage.. We aren't high school sweet hearts. We aren't each others firsts... nothing fairy tales are laid of... its what real life is made of.

Do I still crave and want a possessive, romantic, knight and shining armor? Yes. Who doesn't?
But I am willing to accept my whole life can't be a Notebook romance.

Carpe diem - the time I actually seized the day.

Should I start by telling a Thelma and Louise or a Bonnie and Clyde type story.. Sharing a bunch of pictures of our journey. It really didn't happen with all the thrill and excitement that Hollywood gives us. My Louise to my Thelma they were not with me but I thought maybe they were supporting me from the comfort of their homes in Florida and New York. My "Brad Pitt" wasn't in a convertible but it was a rusty old Geo Metro oh and we had a four year old stow away. The day I said Carpe Diem knowing I was giving up a whole branch of my family tree... just chopping it right down. Leaving behind the world I created in Georgia when just months earlier I swore I would never leave as long as Mackenzie was stuck there. In 24 short hours I decided to wrap the scarf around my neck grab my 4 year old by the hand and just jumped into the abyss without looking. Believe it or not the 4 hour car ride to Huntsville wasn't filled with awkward silences. I was in lust or love with my prince charming we seemed to mesh like Peanut Butter and Jelly. We had just met in person less than 48 hours earlier but we KNEW each other in such a deeper meaning and way we drove into our future without looking in the rear view mirror

JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS
Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light

Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right

I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line

Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind

Well it's been long enough

Time is up



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

I ain't never lookin' back and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before

You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4

Baby what did you expect me to do

Just sit around and wait on you

Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth

And I know it sounds trite

I've seen the light



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



I'd lost the game I guess

I did my best to win the part

Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart

Bye bye, I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back you can count on that

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye

Oh baby

Oh

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

LyricsBay | JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS

Military Monday

I just got a book I ordered called Military Love Loving You From A Distance. I read the first paragraph and I loved it... so I thought I would share...

The love of my life is a hero. He doesn't wear a cape but he models cammies every day. He doesn't rock the newest designer shoes but instead he laces up his combat boots no matter how uncomfortable they are. He doesn't have the newest hair style because he has regulations he has to abide by daily. He has to wake up before sunrise so he could go to PT than he endures a long day at work. He signed up to ensure that freedom of speech never gets belittled. Sometimes with that freedom he is protecting, people speak words of disrespect towards him. He has to leave home to fight a war he was not sure if he believed in. ...

I just thought it was touching and beautiful as well as the rest of the introduction. The book is entries of different military love stories. I am on love story #4.  Not every story is for me but so far I like this book. I belong to a Facebook group called Military Love. Thats how I found out the book. Aparently when she started the group, she started a traveling notebook.. one got stolen, they were worn out and beaten so she decided the best way to do was virtually through an email address and she compiled all the stories into this book. Again the book is called Military Love: Loving You From A Distance and its by Samantha Rehder and the rest of the wives who submitted their stories. The book is available at Lulu.com and she also now has calendars out too!.

What's your military love story? Would you share it in a book?

My Military Love story is...Rick my husband was stationed in Korea and he was pretty bored so he was looking for blogs to read on Yahoo 360. He found my blog and started reading. I was writing about life, my bad relationship, my struggles with my ex and parent hood. He finally started leaving comments and so I read his blog too! The first comments came in December of 05. By the summer of 2006 it was time for him to leave Korea and he was being stationed in Alabama just 3/4 hours away! We begun to talk more in IM just platonic since I was in a relationship and he was trying to find his own love for a lifetime time of love. He was having problems with it and he would admit himself that he was in a destructive downward spiral. I wasn't handling things too well either. In December of 2006 he told he heard rumors he might deploy but not to worry too much because it would probably be to the green zone. I DID worry. I have friends and family that have deployed and I have never worried so much as I did this stranger... I only knew Rick virtually. I spoke to my two best friends Kristin and Olenka about what was going on and showed them the emails and I was at the point of ending my relationship. I asked for my mother for a loan to help me get my own place with my daughter and help me out. She told me to wait till after the holidays. My boyfriend was abusing xanax and alcohol. It was becoming more and more abusive and controlling. I wasn't getting hours at either of my two jobs. Things weren't well. I went to stay with my sister for a few days just to get my head on things. This was about Martin Luther King Weekend. Rick had a four day weekend and decided we should meet. He thought maybe I could just house sit while he was deployed and get back on my own feet with no strings attached. No relationship.. I wasn't looking for anything but standing on my own two feet. Again I pleaded with Olenka and Kristin and they could tell I had already fallen even if I denied it. They said it was Kismet and I had to meet him or I would forever regret it.

We met that weekend and we planned on having dinner and just talking about the possiblity of me moving to Redstone with Skylar and house sitting. At the time he knew he had to leave his boys who were 19 & 20 alone but he thought htey could handle themselves and I would just be making sure that everything was okay while he was deployed. Crazy things happened that weekend that weren't what I planned dealing with police, my adopted mother, my ex boyfriend (we broke up before New Years Eve), and my sister. Things got out of hand and my daughter was in danger. I literally packed what I could carry and Rick called James and Alex and told them I was in a bad situation and he was bringing us home. Everything seemed meant to be and it was so wonderful we got married on Feburary 5th of the same year. Alex his oldest son left for boot camp a few days later and Rick left for training to join his MiTT Team in Kansas by July 22, 2007. He deployed to Taji Iraq October of 2007. Alex left for Korea for a year a few weeks later. He came back to Alabama to visit with James, Skylar & I before leaving for Korea after he graduated from AIT (Advanced Individual Training).

During my first deployment I learned so much about my marriage, my step sons, my own self and my daughters strength. I will never forget how I grew and how we grew as a couple that year. I hope we can get back to that.

Coming home on a 4 day weekend from Training Summer of 2007

R&R on our 1st Anniversary Feb 2008

Shortly after we met

Mustang Marriages

"Understanding the Owner's Manual"

1 Corinthians 13: 1-5

1 Instrument Panel (Check the Patience Guage")
2. Safety seat belt usage (kind spouses have secure children)
Nothing gives our kids a greater sense of security than knowing mom and dad love each other.
3. Develop a good relationship with the mechanic.
"Christ is in you, the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27
"The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, paitence, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control." - Galations 5:22

Jesus called the HOly Spirit "the Counselor" (paraclotas) John 14:26

The Closer you are to Jesus, the closer you'll be to your spouse.

4. What to do when your car overheats (Turn off the air and the selfishness).

5. How to change a flat (blow outs and blow ups)

v. 5 "Keeps no record" (logizomai) = an accounting word used to describe a book keeper who enters an item on a ledger.


Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

So Mark our Preacher spoke to us just what my favorite verse means. He said I say this at lots & lots of Weddings, but I never talk about how it applys to current day marriage in Sermons till today. This was the bible verse that was supposed to be read at our Wedding but as many people know the Preacher that did our ceremony forgot the first half of the ceremony. Rick and I in our nervousness or whatever totally missed that he forgot... Only James figured it out (the one who DOESN'T and HASN'T Gone to regular church services... haha. So I always say its our vow we say to each other. How little did I know that I didn't follow the vows as much as I thought.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. What its saying love is Paitent in order to have unconditional true love it is paitent (using Patient as a verb).

Defintion of Patient Its used as an Adjective in the english language but Greek's used it as a Verb. The verse in the Bible meaning its a description of what love is... Love is Patient... In order to have love you must be patient. In order to have love you must be kind. Then it goes into the negatives that you must not possess in order to have love. You cannot envy, boast, be proud, rude, selfish or easily angered (aka being Patient you cannot be easily angered) in order to enjoy love. Mark says you fall out of trees not out of love. You cannot wait for the feelings to show themselves to you. You have to make the commitment be faithful and try for the commitment and the commandments of love will be there.

So there are a few points I need to pray about and work on. Outside of Love Dare...I don't know about you but I want the maxium mileage out of my Mustang and I want to hear Varooom not Squeak...

http://www.willowbrook.org/

Today

I went to the AER car show and then got my fake nails pulled off to reveal such healthy long ones underneath what a shocker lol. Thank you baby Will. Now I am going to lay down and work on my love dare... I updated my bloggy about it Bellaslovedare.blogspot.com.
IE keeps being a crapper on me so I can't make it fancy like the others.

I am fireproofing with Love Dare

Wanna read along?
http://bellaslovedare.blogspot.com/

Damaged

We had a rough night last night. I immediately felt regretful for my actions. I did realize two causes of my actions are 1. my wounds that his decisions dealing with the family still are very open and real. 2. I am "damaged". Alot of what I do when it comes to Rick is a product of my abusive relationship of 5 years. Its no more fair to Rick to chew him out for scars from the previous as well as the other 27 years of my life and Borderline Personality Disorder... than it is for him to expect me to accept his decisions without my feelings in regard to staying in the Military and the priorities for this family. However I know alot of this drama is caused from both sides from not healing enough before getting involved with each other. So we have to not only face the challenges of marriage but challenges of working together a life of understanding that we both have a lot of repairs that need to be done. So yes you understand now that we have more challenges ahead than just the average marriage and as long as Rick and I can both accept the challenges of marriage (second ones at that), that we both come in some sort of damaged package, the military brings on its own challenges, as well as dealing with the chemistry of having a blended family and a new child together. I want to apologize to Rick but he isn't home from work yet. I am apologizing in my blog because I know he will read it at some point at least on Myspace.

Last night I started having braxton hicks for the first time in my life. A bit scary but after three pregnancies at least I know I wasn't in harm. They were painless just uncomfortable and more uncomfortable for the baby. I had to get the braxton hicks to calm down then I had to get the baby to go to sleep so I could finally drift off. That was for about 30 minutes before I woke up coughing so hard I didn't have a chance to catch a breath. I got about 4 hours of peaceful sleep till I woke up from another coughing fit. Again I coughed so hard I choked on a halls.. ha.

All morning the look on Rick's face last night has been playing in my head and shaking me to my core. A little piece of me died. I know I hurt him and I hurt myself. Everyone is frustrated at the situation. I am not alone at being angry at the situation. But you can't fight the military and you can't cry over spilled milk. You pick up you move on and you try not to repeat the mistakes that were made. I am just afraid that one day trying isn't going to be enough... thats how it was in the past.

Love Dare day 1

Rick and I thought the idea was interesting and much like we tried while he was in Iraq with another book. Well we got to Dare #1 and didn't follow up with #2... So I will be winging it again on my own. I need a little more faith in my marriage and to regain some strength and Zen if you will. So I might be sharing with you all my daily progress. There is a military version too so I will be trying to find that book and read it as well. Because I have no choice but to be HOOAH Military wife for the next year I might as well not make Rick miserable in the process. Of course starting at Midnight the first dare is to not say anything putting down Rick in any way.

The first part of the dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation aries choose not to say anything. It is better to hold your tongue than say something you will regret.

My Love Language

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Languages are probably Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service:	8
Words of Affirmation:	8
Quality Time:	5
Physical Touch:	5
Receiving Gifts:	4

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Love tip from Lovingyou.com

Your Anniversary Day
A few of my girlfriends from work were huddled around the water cooler today talking about different things their husbands had gotten for their anniversaries. One girl started explaining how her husband had bought her their "Anniversary Day." I guess it’s similar to buying a star, but this service lets you buy a day. I couldn't believe how cute and romantic it sounded! She showed us the profile that her husband had made online. Her husband uploaded pictures from their wedding , and when the web page loads, a slide show of their pictures starts playing . The next day she brought in the certificate that comes with it. It was so nice! It had their names written in calligraphy and it stated they were the sole owners of the day and no one else could ever own it. The name of the website is MyDayRegistry.com. I have already hinted to my husband that I want our day for our anniversary. I just hope it’s not taken before he can get it! Anyways, I just wanted to share this with others because I thought this was a really great gift!
--submitted by Carol Ann Huntington

Love tip from Lovingyou.com

Your Anniversary Day
A few of my girlfriends from work were huddled around the water cooler today talking about different things their husbands had gotten for their anniversaries. One girl started explaining how her husband had bought her their "Anniversary Day." I guess it’s similar to buying a star, but this service lets you buy a day. I couldn't believe how cute and romantic it sounded! She showed us the profile that her husband had made online. Her husband uploaded pictures from their wedding , and when the web page loads, a slide show of their pictures starts playing . The next day she brought in the certificate that comes with it. It was so nice! It had their names written in calligraphy and it stated they were the sole owners of the day and no one else could ever own it. The name of the website is MyDayRegistry.com. I have already hinted to my husband that I want our day for our anniversary. I just hope it’s not taken before he can get it! Anyways, I just wanted to share this with others because I thought this was a really great gift!
--submitted by Carol Ann Huntington

Weather Forecast Outlook Cloudy

A Cloud Near our House picture taken 2008 June 06.

The Weather forecasts predicts a cloudy outlook. .... This blog isn't about the weather wouldn't that be boring? This blog is about my life on Cloud Nine for over the past 511 days. Sure enough you would think Deployment within the first year of marriage would all but tear us apart or dampen the cloud but neither has happened. When Rick and I first talked about meeting. I was trying not to fall for him so I could keep a clear head. Sometimes when I fall I fall hard. My little cheerleaders I call them at the time weren't helping much. Oh yeah they knocked some sense in me but also told me there was no rescue clouds leaving Cloud Nine I was stuck. It was Kismet. I've never one to fight Kismet. I am not one to pull cupid's arrow out of my rear either. Rick has been with me on Cloud Nine through it all. He has been the wind beneath my wings that helps me fly up here. As he would correct me in the comments and say We are each other's wind beneath or wings. We brought each other to life. He has certainly changed mine for all good. I hope and I trust our life on Cloud Nine can out live us. Spread love and hope to others. I am so cheesy in love. I still consider us newlyweds even if its been over a year. Just because we still give each other butterflies, we still make each other blush and shiver. We get giddy, giggly and a crush on each other. Can the Army PCS us to Cloud Nine and give us a permenant order for here? Cause I am all for you sending my mail here. I don't think Rick realizes just what this has been like for me but at the same time I feel at times intensely that he feels the same.

Rick and I have had our share of rain and tears. We have had some thunder rolls and disagreements but it doesn't last long and we hold each other through it either emotionally or phsycially. He's just what I need.

When Rick and my eyes meet no one else exists (until Skylar starts screaming.) So please forward all email to 1 Cloud 9 because we seem to be the only ones that exist on our beautiful little cloud I hope never has storms.

AH CRAP His Shampoo Doesn’t smell the same in my hair

That is the name of someone's profile. I laughed and then had a memory of my sweet smelling husband coming home for lunch and as I fixed him lunch in the kitchen his scent triggered my being and my soul. He smelled so good I could have sworn he just stepped out of the shower. But there he was my handsome husband in his ACU's (Army Uniform) waiting for his sandwich and salad. If I didn't have a four year old underfoot I swear he could have had me for lunch.

 

Military Wives ~ How to Nurture your Marriage

I can tell you I've been married to a civilian. We had a horrible marriage and it ended up falling apart and he passed away in 2003. Now I am married to a Soldier that has made the military a carrer for over half of his life. I can sit here and tell you that being a military wife its harder to keep a marriage together. That very well may be because your husband is gone and they are gone alot. I bet the divorce rates amongst soldiers is high if not then I know the lack of monogmous  for the unmarried soldiers relationships are.

I can also tell you I am a lucky one because my husband is not the average man. Which is probably the reason I don't hate him with a passion. I will reveal some of our secrets. Here they are. He's open to discussing topics and sometimes he even starts the discussion. I found a neat little website that sends us a daily email of Generous Wife/Or Husband Tips. I also get some from another site. At first I did worry that he wouldnt' read the emails but nearly every day he forward them to me and tells me his thought on that days Generous Husband Tip. We don't just discuss these topics we put them into action. Right now since he is deployed we can't do a whole lot but we find ways to have our date nights and just enjoy conversation together. We play games together online (I usually kick his butt). We discuss movies and books. Sometimes we will even have the same movie and watch it together just oceans apart.

People can sit there and glare at me for sacraficing so much of my normal daily time to spend with Rick. Normal families may get to crash on the couch in the evening with their family and bond. Rick and I have to do it over the internet. Almost like a long distance relationship but more complicated. People compare us to single mothers but we aren't its again more complicated than that. I have to manage pretty much three households. The one I live in, Plus make sure my soldiers that are over seas have everything to keep them happy. Thats my job. Off point anyways. I don't mind the glares from people because I realize they don't have my marriage and my understanding.

If you were to ask me how to achieve this? All I can tell you is you and your mate have to have an open mind. You know Rick and I have discussed going into family counseling and he won't do it but we do some things on our own that we don't need a therapist. I think that Rick and I are great as a couple but both of us are still and continuing to adjust to the blended family. Rick and I haven't gone to church together. No we aren't ashamed we can worship on our own and on our own time. With that being said we have thought about looking for a church once we know if we are going to settle here or not. I know I know give me 16 months and I am going to sit here and tell you my marriage is strong and seemingly near perfect. But we both are going into this and continue to believe that a marriage is an investment if we devote ourselves, time and love to our investiment its surely not to die and fade away. Its just going to grow and continue to do so. We have our books about marriage and work books we do go through. I have my chicken soup books I love, We have our marriage tips. We even have come up with some ways on our own as a family to stay close. I continue to strive to work toward a happy home and stability. Thats all I have ever wanted at all.

http://www.milspouse.com/how-to-nurture-your-marriage.aspx

Love Is

I love these little comic strips. I found one when I first married Rick and I made him a little scrapbook thing to hang on his mirror and its still there. It says... Love is... realizing mornings never will be the same without you.

What Hurts the Most by Rascall Flatts

 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

Its been a rainy tough day today. I can take the rain and storms any day. The rain is not what bothers me. I can take a few tears now and then. Songs like this certianly have triggered my blogging bug and my emo bug. I can take the tears and let them out. They don't burn my cheeks but going on everyday without you still stings. Your not here to hold. Your not here to share my fears with. I open up to you still but its just not the same.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

The scars from this deployment will run deep maybe forever maybe they will heal. Memories like when the last time I took you to the airport have left scars that I didn't know existed until I heard this song. I hold a certain amount of regret from Midtour. I just try to think about the Memories we have made since our first days together in 2007. The wonderful places we have been. The things we have experienced together that I wouldn't want to experience with no one else. The thoughts that still linger are the words that are left unsaid, the memories that are left undone, The to-do list that just seems to be longer, our wishes and goals ungranted. The fact that with strength I didn't know I had I let you walk on that airplane the last time I took you to the airport. The devistation, the panic, the broken heart after you got on the plane. I couldn't find you. With Skylar and James sitting there wondering where you had gone to. The fact that I had to leave the airport with words unsaid and without one last kiss. Has left so much on my soul.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

I still can't say that us Silent Ranks have the hardest job in the army. Having put my life on hold. Watching soldiers everywhere I turn is a painful reminder of you being gone. I am proud to stand beside a Marine, An Airman, or a Soldier (Not to many Navy in these parts.) There are days when I act like I am ok and I just want to scream I am Fine!!! But there is so much hidden pain. Its hard to deal with the pain. Its hard to force a smile for the kids on some occasions. Its hard to smile when people smile at me. When people thank me for what you do. When they have no real clue the sacrafice. You know that Bulletin/email that goes around that talks about why soldiers go days without showers? A girl online asked me why don't you have water. They really have no clue that you do without the most basic needs. That you would take a kiss and a hug over a shower anyday. Everyday I have to get up and get dressed and live my life and everyday its another challenge to face "alone". The day you walked away I would go back and do so much differently. Midtour would be different. I would be different. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much pain. The tears in my eyes don't sting so much but the burden on my heart and soul never fades. The sting of watching you disappear in the airport that day has left some deep scars. The fact that I neglected you so much on Midtour, How can I forgive myself?

Tomorrow I have to wake up and relive all this over again. I have to walk beside these wives that aren't so proud as I am. These people that just don't get it sadly. We have been overseas for so long and people just don't want to understand what you are put through. People don't understand us left waiting feel everyday that you are gone.

Damn straight I know I am strong. I know that I have come along way in a year. I know that this is over soon. I finally realized what I have accomplished and I know what I do that makes you hold on. I know that my strength has finally appeared in my eyes. I will forever be strong for you. My tears I shed aren't a sign of weakness and my fears don't make me weak either because I am willing to face them with you beside me if not in body in spirit. If you didn't love me as much as you do I don't know how this would be. I love you. I will be here waiting.

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that’s what I was tryin to do

Promised me the Moon

He promised me the moon even if he couldn't deliver. Thats ok I don't need the moon I just need him.

Expectations

 Rick and I were talking before he went to bed and he said I was better than expected but he wasn't sure of what he expected so then he avoided my conversation by turning the tables so I wrote him this email.

Rick says:

 What Did you expect from me

What did I expect from you? From the moment 'go' I was on cloud 9 begging to be pulled down back into reality. I didn't want to walk blinded. I didn't want to jump head first into something. Coming out of something so quickly. I didn't want to be hurt. Unfortunately I was down on guys and I had my opportunities with many guys other than you. I didn't want those opportunities though. I wanted my love story as I said in my blog the other day. I wouldn't settle for anything less. I don't deserve less and my kids don't deserve less. I took a chance with him and he blew that shit straight out of the water. So if it wasn't apparently from the beginning then I wasn't going to jump in the water if it didn't appear hot as hell. I know when it comes to being on Cloud 9 the water can be a little foggy and hard to judge hence why I was asking to be pulled down to view the outlook a little more clearer. So sitting in my townhouse. Giddy and Giggling to my "best friends" about this guy like I was a girl with a teenage crush. I found myself a girl with a teenage crush with the appetite and a big heart enough to fall in love.  However Bella having the experience that I have. As Chris used to describe me as being male trapped into a female's body.. Hehe. I am cynical. I have my doubts which turn into fear which turns into ugly. I pretty much know what a typical man wants, a man expects. Low and behold your not that typical guy. You know I knew Doug and Chris for a long time and yet they still gave me that weary vibe that I needed to not fall for them or even come close. If you could only understand what I mean. As for you Soldiers do have a reputation at least from what I know. I did have an online boyfriend that was a Marine. Then there was that first phone call between us. Yes that more than average phone call. I wouldn't brag about to my friends lmao. Typical male. Kristin kept me grounded in a way while still telling me there was no rescue boat leaving cloud 9. She felt kismet. She knew it was right. But she reminded me of the big PLAN. THe BIG MISSION! So as long as I kept reminding myself of our meeting in Adairsville. Then there wouldn't be a disappointment. Devoted to the mission. Plus there was the whole I won't marry a soldier and live the Army Life. I won't live in Alabama thing that I had tied to my head since a young child. You have no idea. Haha. Stick to the mission Bella. Just stick to your mission

What did I expect out of our first "date". I was falling in love with you already Rick. I was head over heels before we met. There was just the chemistry in person thing missing. There was the missing pieces of our kids. Everything else was in place. However there wasn't much of an expectation because we had talked about what was going to happen. Just seeing how we would connect. Seeing how your such a big fat liar that you didn't look anything like your picture and you were a Serial Killer instead of a Soldier. What's a couple of letters difference? LOL.

What did I expect from you as a person? I expected you to be yourself whether we would have chemistry or not. I expected you to come as you are. I am lucky how you were gift wrapped. I wanted you to come as you are. I wanted you to be honest with me. I wanted you to be open to me. Open minded and as well as not have too many walls up. Less drama than me would have been nice and to top it off with cherries and sprinkles you could like me for who I am and neither of us could want each other to change.

What did I expect from you as a husband? Walking down the aisle. I wanted you to be sure as rain and as predictable too! Haha. I wanted you to be as sure as I was. No doubts. No doubts at all. I promised myself that after the last one was such a mistake even in the beginning something told me and I knew that getting married to Adam was wrong. The only way it was right was teaching me how to be married to the one who was right.

What do I expect from you now as my husband? To work real hard together. The work isn't near as hard as when we work together. We need to compromise. We need to listen, be understanding, communication. Being a good husband means being a good friend and a good father. A Good husband is a good provider. A Good husband not only provides when and if he can but he provides just as much emotionally and physically.

Sometime ago I made this blog http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-yvgtPckodLO69P8vvbcPvxmxj3xu_XUTk6Su?p=303 I thought I would republish once I read my comments. Now hmm :) I don't think you need an instruction manual yet.

No Air

As you can see this is one of my most recent favorite songs. I have found my layout and page by one of my favorite Layout Artists :) This song fit perfectly for how I have been feeling dealing with this deployment.

The quote for us Army Wife's is the toughest job in the Army. I don't think its the toughest. I know what the soldiers go through when they were deployed. A lot of times they go through deployment without any kind of support. Even in our situation here I am and I have my kids to kiss and hug when I need it. Granted I don't hug or kiss James but he gives his emotional support in his own ways. Skylar keeps me plenty busy as well. So if you listen to the lyrics of the song the female artist is Jordin Sparks and the male artist is Chris Brown and I can imagine Rick feels a lot of the same emotions but in a different way.

On opposite sides of the world we are feeling the same emotions and just wanting to be with each other.

On the home front I am feeling like I am living each day with no air. I struggle to go to sleep and I struggle to begin my new day. Each day I begin I miss his presence. I miss waking up next to him there is something special about waking up to the person you long for, you love, your devoted to each day. That should never be taken for granted. How many of you can honestly say you know what it feels like to crave the touch of your soul mate. Some of you are single and I know you would love to be touched and loved. But when my husband shows me affection simply by placing his hand on the small of my back as I work or wipes away my tears. While he is deployed it leaves such a deep emptiness. Lets not forget we have to stay strong for our men over seas. I take this to a different level than I have noticed from others. I have to be strong for my kids. If Skylar see's me cry she gets very upset. Even James, James who is sensitive doesn't like "reality" He doesn't' like being faced with it and I shouldn't burden him with my reality. Everyday I have my burdens, my stress, my realities, my fears and I live with them alone. At least I can talk to my friends understanding or not they come out. What do the soldiers get? I know my husband is very unsocialable and doesn't have a good support system with him. How does he feel? Does he feel like there is a piece of him missing? Does he feel like most days its just hard to breathe?

While Rick is deployed James will start college, Alex has left for his own adventure into life joining the Army and going to Korea. Skylar has lost teeth and will beginning Kindergarten. All of these milestones are important in a child's life. I have missed some milestones in Mackenzie's life I will never get back and that has left me with a memory I will never forget. To not take life for granted and cherish each little second of it. That second may change your life. I get to play the role of both parents in a way. I had to stand by Alex as he waited for his cab to take him to the airport. I have to help James with all his paperwork for college. I have been there for everyone of Skylar's scrapes and cuts. I will be there on her first day of school. Her Ballet recital is coming up and I will be there alone. I will be working hard to make it her day but wished that Rick could be there to see her big day. So I can complain this deployment sucks but it sucks for him as well in so many ways. I have watched a soldier miss the birth of his daughter and soldiers every day miss the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Who am I to complain? I have my friends and family to surround me in good times and in bad. Who do they have out there? Who do they have to give them support when they had a bad day. When they are hot or sick? Soldiers don't get that. Soldiers struggle too. They struggle with the change in their life. Watching countries they are trying to help just can effect them on a deeper level than we can understand. All we can do is sympathize and listen. Remember even if they did have someone to talk to they can't about so many things.

Although us wives feel like there are days when we are stuck with the hardest job in the Army just think how long could you go without kissing and hugging your children? How long could you go without sleep and clean water? How would you make it closed off from most of the world? We both live with "No Air"