Great Video

Military Monday

So everyone is wondering about the pay getting shut down if the Government gets shut down

The article is here If government shuts down, so would troop pay

I also saw this posted on facebook feeds this morning

1. All Federal Agencies Will Not Shut Down:

Current laws provide exceptions for some federal agencies and parts of federal agencies and their employees. Any agency or personnel tasked with safeguarding public health and safety will not be shut down. A few examples of these types of agencies include:

• The Center For Disease Control (CDC)

• Most (but not all) of The Transportation Security Agency (TSA)

• The Department of Veterans Affairs healthcare providers, hospitals or facilities

Also any federal agency whose primary function is to protect life and property. A few examples of these agencies’ include:

• The department of the Army

• The United States Navy and Marine Corps

• The United States Air force

• The Dept. of Homeland Security (excluding contractors)

• FBI, CIA

• OH YEA, 1 MORE. CONGRESS WILL STILL GET PAID!

Additionally, if an agency that has a continuing source of funding may not be affected. An example of this is the VA’s VHA (Veterans Health Administration). However VBA (Veterans Benefits Administration) and the Social Security Administration, will be impacted since they do have a continuing source of funding. I will discuss the possible impacts of this in greater detail in a second.

HERE IS A LIST OF FEW AGENCIES THAT WILL BE AFFECTED:

• The Social Security Administration

• The Veterans Benefit Administration

These two are especially worrisome to me. I am not saying that everyone who receives disability payments from these two agencies will not get their checks, however it is a possibility depending on the length of a shutdown. However, it is more likely that you will see a delay in receiving your monthly checks.

• All National Parks will be closed

• New VA and Medicare Claims will not be processed

• Non-Exempt DoD personnel, such as administrative positions and research labs would be furloughed (Note- ALL combat would continue and all troops will be paid)

• The National Institutes of Health would not be able to accept new patients or answer hotline calls regarding diseases

• Domestic agencies like the National Archives, DoE, HUD, EPA, and Census Bureau would be largely shut down

2. Many, But Not All Federal Employees Will Not be Placed on Unpaid Leave or “Furlough”

Again any considered “essential personnel”(aka- excepted and non-excepted employees) at an agencies tasked with the above will not be placed on furlough. A furlough places an employee in a temporary non-duty and non-pay status. In the current situation, if Congress fails to pass another CR (Continuing Resolution, what we have been operating under since March 3rd) or God forbid, an actual budget, some federal agencies will be required to shut down and furlough all or some of their employees.

3. What is Considered Essential Personnel?

Every federal agency is required by law to have an emergency plan in place in case of a federal government shutdown. According to guidance from the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), an agency's senior leadership determines who is “excepted” or exempt from the furlough and required to work during a shutdown.

Federal employees working on essential activities related to our national security, homeland security, law enforcement, health care, financial management and the Postal Service will most likely be required to continue working. Remember this is only federal employees and agency, not state funded agencies or employees.

4. If You’re a Federal Employee Working for an Agency That is Not Exempt You Can Expect:

If you're furloughed as a result of a government shutdown, you will not be paid as long as the government is closed. Even some excepted employees may be working for "delayed pay" if their paycheck comes from an appropriation. However FOR ALL FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, health care and life insurance benefits, on the other hand, continue for up to a year so you will continue to be covered. In addition, if you are furloughed your contributions--and those of your agency--to the Thrift Savings Plan (TSP) will stop during a shutdown, and you will not be able to arrange for a loan from your TSP account during a furlough.

If you need to find another job to have a source of income, you will remain as a federal employee (unpaid but still an employee) during a furlough, so you can take another job so long as the job is not subject to any conflict of interest prohibitions.

But here’s the kicker: You may need approval from your agency's Office of General Counsel to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. You can review your agency regulations to determine if they specify what types of employment would not pose a conflict. Make sense???? Might want to get your supervisors home phone number in case you need to ask. (By the way, that was dripping in sarcasm)

5. If You’re a Federal Contractor You Can Expect:

When a shutdown is announced, the Office of Management and Budget will notify the agencies, and each agency must then decide which functions are essential and which functions must be shut down. Contracting Officers should then notify contractors, who are responsible for notifying subcontractors, whether the contract will be funded during the shutdown or whether the contractor should stop or reduce work. A Contracting Officer may issue a stop work order or, more likely, issue broad guidance for contractors to follow. Contracting Officers will not have any authority to enter into new contracts, renew expiring contracts, or exercise options during a shutdown. Existing contracts may be affected if they require the government to obligate new funds during the shutdown.

Again here is the kicker: Without a stop work order, contractors may still be subject to contractual obligations; however, a contractor may not perform work for the government on a voluntary basis. As a result of these issues, it is essential that contractors remain in frequent communication with Contracting Officers, subcontractors, or prime contractors and counsel in order to understand their rights, duties, and obligations.

So basically just stay in close touch with your Contracting Officer!

So that's the beef on that and personally if they are going to stop paying those who are protecting their paychecks then they better have a plan b or get that money back from all the car companies and bank companies they bailed out. Some of us have bills we HAVE to pay.

When the previews started for the new season of Army Wives I thought sadly Jeremy would be killed in action. Now after last nights episode I strongly feel its Chase. Which makes me very sad. I love the actor that plays Chase and the character most of the time.. oooh boy Trevor is on my shit list but I have heard his BS before in my own deployment! UGH. How does Claudia Joy feel about getting reassigned for West Point? I am glad little Molly is okay and the future daughter in law could make up with Denise. I haven't seen Frank barely.. oh wait just those two scenes or something. Joan is still Joan UGH!

Join us at http://armywiveslives.com/category/military-mondays-carnival/

Military Monday (Army Wives Spoiler inside)

So did you watch the season premiere of Army Wives last night on Lifetime? If you missed it I am sure you can catch it on http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/army-wives/

Its funny I started thinking about Sister Wives like from this show after watching two women on Coming Home a new TV show on Lifetime after Army Wives.  

How some of us Military Wives certainly become Sister Wives in one sense. I know I spent more time with my battle buddy(s) the first year of our marriage than I did with him. There were many months where Jessica R and I could have put our BAH together because I practically lived there if it weren't for James. I helped her with her daughter and she drove me to places when I couldn't get there on my own. Betty C. and I got extremely close she would help me with my kids and I was there for her emotionally during what was both our first deployment. Yes Military wives cook together, baby sit for each other, clean each other's house, PCS together... We in all but the sexual part of the life style become Sister Wives. At one point my battle buddy's and I decided that instead of cooking just four ourselves we would do a pot luck once a week. Isn't this kind of how Sister Wives work?

I think the characters of Army Wives is a perfect example. When a Soldier isn't home we step in and help.. I would be there for any of my close Military Wife friends even if their Soldier/Marine/Airman was home.. all they had to do was ask.

Do not scroll past the picture of the Cast of Army Wives

What did we all think of Army Wives? Wow! Man I am reluctant to blog about it because of this invention called DVR.. now people "tape" or record things more now to watch later. My first pfft... is the fact that it comes on opposite Desperate Housewives. I have watched Desperate Housewives since the beginning too. So I guess I am going to have to watch Army Wives, record DH, and Coming home and watch DH after Army Wives and find time another night to watch Coming home! Oh boy! I love Brothers and Sisters but Rick doesn't so I can always watch that when he isn't here during the day. That's how I watch most of my VH1/MTV reality shows and House. Anyways. In the previews someone is going to die and I pray its not who I think it is. My guess is Jeremy. Don't worry no one dies during the Season Premiere they are probably waiting till sweeps.. 

Well I warned you and I just can't contain myself and not write a post on Military Monday about Army Wives  that was YESTERDAY..

Roxy and Trevor... I am glad she didn't get seduced by her old friend. Rick thought it was going to happen. I knew Roxy better. Why? Roxy is me in so many ways lmao. They didn't mention her pregnancy again.. well it didn't come up. I can certainly feel the emotions she is having right now after all Meredith from Greys Anatomy would call her a hormone casserole PLUS normal deployment blah's. 

on a side note... I loved when I used to go to the doctor while my husband was deployed (the doctor at the Army Medical Clinic) and they would be like are you depressed? Same question every visit... and I would be like DUH! LOL

back to Roxy... did they change TJ's actor?

Joan and Roland are going through the same path they took season 2? Joan is in it to win it! I mean she is a career oriented woman but like my own life she needs to learn to balance... She has to be there for Roland as much as she is there for the Army in ONE way or another. 

Claudia Joy and General Holden.. I wonder why she is reluctant to move to West Point? She certainly got the  new Army wife attitude of "I should know better than to make plans in the Army"... I wouldn't see that coming from a seasoned wife? Do you think medically she is going to be alright with no one around to keep a close eye on her? I am surprised they didn't bring up the last time she took a daughter to college. You know maybe a PTSD moment? Do you think she is going to get Empty Nest syndrome? 

Frank and Denise Oh my! Denise is older and its so much harder to take care of a newborn when your older and have that sleep deprivation. Why do you think Frank is so lax on Jeremy getting married so fast? Jeremy's fiancée didn't make a good impression on Denise did she? It wasn't her fault or either of their fault.. bless them!  Btw Newborns usually don't have tears so that wouldn't have been a symptom that Denise missed. What's wrong with Molly anyways? Next week might suck a little! What do you think about Jeremy and his Fiancée?

Whoa WHOA! Whoa Pam! No Atlanta? No Chase? You have the hots for HIM? Wow! Didn't see it coming at least not from your side!

Coming Home. I would attend a home coming for any Soldier but since neither of MY Soldiers got one I just have the wtc attitude about homecomings. I think Rick's 24 years, several deployments... and never got any kind of ceremony. OF COURSE he doesn't want one but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve it. No one in the unit even organized anything for his retirement. Yeah golly gee thanks for your 24 years of dedication etc... 

So I have an admittedly sucky attitude about Home Coming Ceremonies. The show was overall pretty good (I fell asleep toward the end) and I think its great Lifetime is bringing so much NEEDED and POSITIVE attention to the Military Life. 

Military Monday Welcome Home Soldier

http://armywiveslives.com/category/military-mondays-carnival/ 

Job Well Done to you Jasper, and your wife Heather!

I met you and Heather in 2008 on Fourth of July through Betty. You were new to this life and in AIT here at Redstone for my husband's MOS. I think you two have had some trials from the starting line but you made it over your first major mountain and you can hug and give yourself a true pat on the back.

I am sure Austin, Jayden, and Dezaray are all glad to have you home.

I hope you adjust back at home on post.

Thank you so much!

http://armywiveslives.com/category/military-mondays-carnival/

I am still an Army Wife and Army Mom.

My husband retired in May from the Army after 24 years of service. I think he deserves a big Hooah for that sacrafice and dedication. Yet he had no retirement ceremony (partly his choice.) Hero's don't want pomp and cirumstance they are more humble. In all his deployments he never had a true homecoming. Again he liked it that way. Does that make him less deserving of one? Of course not! Would he put his ACU's on in a minute of the Army called him back... uh yeah faster than he could shake a stick at it. It was a family choice to retire... you just know when its time to hang the beret.

Because Rick and I were only married three years ago I wasn't looked at much as for an Army Wife. I wasn't the one who waited on him to come home from his first deployment during the first heat of the war in OIF. I wasn't the one writing letters while he was at boot camp. I was the one who waited on him from Korea and his second deployment. I was the one who's heart broke when he told me he was facing deployment and I hadn't even met him face to face yet. I may not have earned much rank in the silent ranks... but I earned enough in my opinion, I stayed faithful, loyal and worked hard. I didn't fall apart and I kept it together. I stayed strong for US.

Now I face life with the Army behind me. Is it really behind me? Rick has never fully come back home. Things are probably never going to be the way they were... maybe one day I have faith they will be better! I still cry during deployment songs, I still cry when one of our own fall, I still cry watching military salute videos, I still cry for homecomings (I never got), I am still very emotionally connected to the Military in my own weird way. Since he retired I bought an Army Wife hoodie and a t-shirts (maybe more)... I still dress the kids in Camo and carry my ACU purse with pride.. I am still an Army wife even if my husband is no longer active duty. Once a Soldier always a Soldier... Behind every good Soldier is a Loyal Army Wife! Hooah!

My son, my step son still serves... as we wait paitently for every phone call and visit.

Next time you see a wife of a Veteran just know a piece of her heart will always remember and be part of the Military just like her husband.

Mamarazzi Monday-- 4th of July

My friend Betty, Her husband Mike, and their 1 month old Mike Jr... came down for the Fourth. They brought Jacob and Noah too. Jacob and Noah are kids of a friend of theirs. Friday when they came down Betty and I went to the Commissary and then to see Eclipse. Saturday we went off shopping, went to the Space and Rocket Center and we hung out. Sunday we went to church. She said she loved it and it meaned alot! I love my church and I am super proud of it. Then we went shopping again haha. That evening we BBQ'd with my neighbors who are close to me and set off fire works.

Sometimes I forget how lucky we are

Rick has had such a hard time finding a job. I feel bad for the decision we made to retire (3 days retired now) and for not going Oconus as a contractor. Then I see reminders of how much luck we already pushed and how we don't need to tempt fate at all. Two tours to Iraq and many more deployments and hardships all over the world later. Rick hasn't had to face combat even when he was there just a year after we started the war. The worst thing that happened to him is a weapon landed on his hand and broke it in 2004. The PX where he was stationed in 2007 was bombed the month before he got there. For the next year Angels were in Taji Iraq keeping the peace and my husband lived with or near Iraqi soldiers. Then I run accross a message board that I use for Military Spouses and one woman cries OMG my husband is gone as she states in a matter of fact message that her husband has died. Please say a prayer for Sgt Ralph Mena's Family, Spouse, and Children. He died in a Non Combat Related incident. I have a friend of a friend that was shot in the back of the head at the age of 19 in Iraq, a friend of mine from high school died in 2007 in Iraq, A fellow soldier in my friends unit was attacked and betrayed in Afghanistan and they took his life. Yet my husband hasn't had a hair shed off his head. Alex is not far behind him as an OEF Veteran at the last legs of his tour. I feel incredibly lucky for the luck we have had as a Military Family. I feel incredibly indebt to those out there that have made a sacrafice and lost the lives of a son, daughter, husband or wife. Also Indebt to those who's husband came back with challenges such as TBI, loss of a limb or even something as small (Yet just as challenging) as Severe PTSD.

As Memorial Day comes close I will add Sgt Mena to my list of Soldiers who I honor this holiday coming at the end of the month.

Good friends and Tragedy.

My fellow Army Wife friend Crystal has a darling neighbor she's been bugging me to meet because we are both pregnant and both having boys. We also have little girls. Heather's daughters name is Maggie and she is four and a half or five. Heather's husband is deployed at hte moment and we all know what I think of Pregnant Army Wives while their husband's are gone. Crystal's husband is doing a hardship tour in Korea as well. She has a teenage son and two teenage  and preteen age step daughters. Crystal being the sweetheart she is threw me my baby shower. Both ladies have had a tough time recently with medical problems too. So we planned a lunch. Crystals like yeah come over but I need to go grocery shopping lol. I was like oh well we can order a pizza?  Then I went to the commissary and I am like wait I can just bring lunch so I made Chicken Salad and took stuff my family would never eat. So I had fun preparing and serving lunch and Skylar loved Maggie. I heard this morning of Farrah Fawcett had passed away and I quickly asked did she get a chance to marry her long time love? The answer was no. Rick dropped me off at Crystal's for lunch and went to take his mid term. Then he came back to get me. I needed to go home and get some clothes out of the garage I knew Maggie could wear or would wear I wanted to get rid of anyways. I had Crystal's card for the digital camera. I took Rick back to work and then went back to Crystals to watch the girls and giggle. It was a good time and I miss time with friends at times. I had to leave nearly at  four to pick up James at work but he walked home early. So I went by ACS for Heather and then I dropped by Rick's work to just say hello but ended up staying until he locked up the office. We came home started dinner and the Microwave blew. So I went to my neighbor to finish microwaving my dinner and they were all gathered around the TV freaking out. It was CNN and TMZ talking about Michael Jackson's death. The legend is still true they die in three's.

This is supposed to be the BEST medical available in the world?

have been stationed in one place for over two years. I have had a BIG share of problems with Fox Army Health Center. During my time as a waiting spouse. I was told we had an advocate that would give us priority. I got disgusted with her BAD attitude and just called the regular appointment line and didn't have a problem for awhile. THIS is after I complained that several doctors refused to give me a referral to a bone specialist to monitor my arthritis. I totally disagree with the way they speak to patients. I disagree with how the patients are treated. I don't think they would get a lot of business in the civilian world. I have been told by a Patient Care Representative. That being a Waiting Spouse I just wanted special attention. I then got a hold of the COL over Fox's number and I had a doctor call me back and just think it was in my best interest if I didn't see a doctor at Fox and go off post for a civilian PCM. I brought this up to some people's attention around post. I was told that is ILLEGAL. I was told I must be making it up or over reacting. I could care less. My daughter is rarely ever sick enough for me to have her seen. I can treat allergies but when they linger or cause discomfort that's when I seek help. On the 1st of April she was seen by a pediatrician at Fox and the Pedi said she had a slight ear infection. She also had allergies that were draining which caused the cough. Give her meds, dry up her sinuses and it should all clear up. So since the first Skylar has been on Amoxicillian, Singular, and Zyrtec. The antibiotic against my better judgement I just don't believe in them but I am giving it to her. Over a WEEK later.... TODAY I call to make her another appointment because she isn't getting better. Her cough isn't going away and frankly I am tired of every time I take her in being told she has allergies and them sending her away. Its a waste of both of our time because she is on Zyrtec almost ALWAYS when a cough starts she gets the humidifier. The moment she has to leave a humidifier she is coughing up a lung again. Today Fox closes early for training. I realized that before I called but I was also told LAST WEEK. If she wasn't getting better to call back and get a doctors note. So that's why I called to get an appointment (for anytime, and a doctors note)I spoke to the appointment desk and as I predicted no appointments available at all today amongst ALLLLLL the doctors and PCM's at Fox. Alrighty then they transfer me to a nurse to see if I could at least get a doctors note for school. The nurse spoke to me this morning on two occasions. Telling me she would REALLY like Skylar to be seen. Each time my pleas went unanswered to the appointment desk. I call the nurse back and tell her they said nothing was available for Friday or Thursday. She looked and there were two ACUTE appointments available for Skylar's PCM (which I would have loved for her to see someone else but at this point I wasn't picky.) Dr. E's nurse gave me the ACUTE appointment times for these appointments. Explained to me they don't show up till 24 hours before the appointment time. I was supposed to call Fox at 9:30 or 10:10... To make the playing field even I decided to chance it at 10:35... The appointment desk decides to ARGUE with me. They have a bad attitude! I get upset and frustrated (HEY I am pregnant it doesn't take anything lmao much lesss MUCH) I try to stay polite and calm and tell her I already spoke with the nurse available at this extension several times and she said there was an Urgent Care (or I couldn't remember the phrase) appointment available at 9:30 or 10:10 that they wouldn't show available to the appointment desk until 24 hours prior. Of course they think I am lying. Don't they always because I call them up every hour just to bug harass and otherwise LIE to these MORONS. She said HMM I will have to speak with the supervisor about it. I said why don't I speak to them? She said oh look we have a 9:30 cancelation for Dr E. YEAH FREAKING RIGHT... NOW who's lying? I made the appointment and she then proceeded to argue between DIAGNOSES and SYMPTOM. I said my daughter was seen on the first she had an ear infection and allergies. She is NOT getting better the nurse wants her seen again. They argue. You don't KNOW she has an ear infection um YES I DO. After SEVERAL phone calls back and forth I get the mysterious 9:30 am appointment that was a sudden cancelation at the same time as I ask to speak to a supervisor. I call my husband to complain. Of course he's in freaking busy army mode... UGH and I call back to speak to THE supervisor and she's JUST as RUDE and DENIES it ever happened. WTH!
ALL BE DAMNED If I trust them with my newborn's health. I WILL be finding a civilian Peditrician... PAYING for a co-pay... and taking both of my kids to them. ASAP!

If you've ever been to the free clinic down town... this is how I am OFTEN treated at Fox Army Health Care... My kids will be going standard because the care could be very dangerous!!! HMO's SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK SUCK
Thank You Mrs Hilary Clinton!

My Weird Mood

Yeah I have mood swings I admit it. Some seem stronger than they were before I got pregnant I think maybe I am just a little easier effected by them.

I've been throwing a pity party and just kinda trying to figure things out for myself.

Firstly Donnie IMed me out of no where hte other night trying to be hateful because he's probably jealous and he said it was a deliberate attempt to replace Mackenzie. I mean I would love to have Mackenzie home but its just not in the cards right now. But if I was trying to replace Mackenzie I would have learned my lesson from Skylar.... and yes I heard it then too.... But for some reason his asinine stunt is bothering me.

I guess I feel so disconnected. My two closest female friends are in far off lands lol... and I can't share a happy moment with them except on the occasional telephone call. My family hasn't called me at all. Rick's reaction still isn't what I would like it to be but my expectations are two high and just hates shopping but Input would be nice when buying things for his son.l WHen I was pregnant with Mackenzie my oldest sister was pregnant at the same time (I gave birth 5/31 and she had Matthew 5/24) and my middle sister and I were real clsoe for a moment LOLOL. Then when I was pregnant with Skylar my middle sister was pregnant with the twins so we did everything together pretty much. (Her twins bday is 10/4 and Skylar's is 10/21) Now all my sisters are done with their babies *I think* and I am all lonesome LOL. Its just an adjustment pregnancy I guess I have no family around and my close Army friends have moved or are moving before the baby comes. Every Pregnancy is different and this is one difficult for me emotionally in a new way.

What are some experiences some of you have had being away from Family and friends? I am not new here but I don't have my little groupie of friends anymore lol.

Don't ever discount a Military Wife

I wrote a blog back in June 07 and it was posted on Myspace as well as here
Army Wife vs Civilian Life On Blogger
On Myspace
About the differences in between Military Life and Civilian Life. Since I originally posted this blog my husband was deployed for a year. I am so happy to have him home with me now. I know I am what would be considered a "lucky" Military Wife. Since we've been married my husband has yes been deployed for 12 months. Went to Training for three months straight. But he doesn't go out to the field for exercises which can be two weeks long. My husband has had CQ Duty and CAO duty. I am fine with that although at times its felt like torture... That's because I am spoiled. I am spoiled by my husband and his presence.

Right now I know I am being a whiny spoiled highly hormonal and emotional Army Wife. But something I've struggled with my husband is his commitment to the Army. He's an extremely commitmented Soldier who feels weird and it doesn't feel right for him to NOT being in formation, for him to try to get the orders he needs instead of what he is issued. If its 7 am to 4:30 pm Monday through Friday on a normal work week you won't catch him out of uniform. You will be hard pressed to catch him out of his office at all. My husband is dutiful and well in the civilian world he might be your average workaholic a bit. So I am not saying he isn't committed to the Army but I think he can show just as much of a commitment to his family and his marriage.

Hold on... It doesn't compute!! In the bible it says God first, Family (Marriage) second... In the Army its DUTY HONOR COUNTRY.... Where does God and Family fall in. This right they said if they wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one.
I am not your Army Issued Wife... I've had people tell me that's bull but I truly believe I am not a good Army Wife. I do everything MY Soldier needs me to do (except my crying temper tantrums.) I don't believe I would be good at PCSing hell we can't even agree to move off post! I am a delicate flower I bloom where I am planted. I don't have his dedication to the country. OH I am patriotic but not like Rick. I tell him sometimes I know your brain takes care of the Army so let me be the thinker for the Family. Its so true though because I would go to the ends of the earth to protect our family. This includes All three of the boys, Skylar, Peridot... and the sanctity of our marriage. If that means what's best for this family is to retire from the Army then I don't want it any other way! Rick has been active for over 20 years and he knows its time to pass his cap. His dedication and commitment on the other hand are strong.
Today I fought for him to give me the same commitment and dedication that he gives to the Army. I have asked him repeatedly about an Agreement he made with me. He of course comes to all my OB visits. Then he usually goes back to work. Monday he has CAO duty and school though. So who do you think gets erased out of his appointment book of life? Me.... I am the one always expected to make the sacrifice because there isn't time in the day left for the Army Wife... I call it like it is... He's married to the Army and I am just the mistress. Easy way to solve this is... don't pencil me in. Don't make "dates". "promises", agreements with me when the Army is demanding so much of you the same day. Give me the day when you know you won't have to break my heart. If you don't pencil in the Army then don't pencil in the wife.

It takes a lot for me to get him out of a work day even when there is nothing to do. I can walk out on my drive way any given day and see many Soldiers home with their families that day just because they spent the morning out at the range... Do you think Rick comes home to civilian life after a morning at the Range? No... Not even with a go ahead from the command. He goes into the office and does his job. So excuse me if I still get bitchy.

I must have the military bred into me. I can't recall a generation of my family who hasn't served. My whole life I said I wouldn't marry into the Military. I can't help who I can't live without. Rick is the one I can't live without... if the Army decides I can have him. I knew I wasn't cut out for Military life. Even though I even tried to join when I graduated high school. I watch my older sister who I look up to for her career as a young Airman and Proud Air Force Wife. I try to take cue's from her but its really not me to be like her lol... I've adapted myself into this life to the best of my ability. I am not a perfect Army Wife but I try to do what I can. I try to be supportive even though I have short comings.

Admist all my whining I remember those who aren't as lucky as me and I think so highly of these women. Words can't express it... I laugh though because I know they pretty much have the same answer to the same question I get asked. How do you do it? Our answer is we just do... (Some days like today I wonder!!)

Mrs. Blake Harris. Your one of my Hero's... You don't know me but I went to school with your late husband. I can't imagine my husband not coming home to me. I am sure you push on for your son and I respect that so much.

Mrs. Hasenflu another Army Strong wife who's husband didn't make it home safe. Her husband served with my friends husband and it was a big shock when I helped my friend cope with this. I prayed for God's hand to bless her husband and other's with this unit to heal the wounds of PTSD and let the rest of them come home.

My sister who delievered twins while her husband served in Iraq for a year!

I met a Marine Wife (actually two) They were both pregnant. I got to know one of them fairly well. I sit here and whine about my husband possibly getting called away from my OB visit but this Ooorah wife did all 9 months without her husband there. She delivered without him there. He was in IRAQ! She's super Marine Wife! ALL the way! Did I mention she was also raising her daughter? A little more on this Marine Family OH yes and she's having to do another deployment this year!

One woman I know believes Army Wife is the toughest job in the Army. I believe she may know best. Her husband was in Korea for almost her entire pregnancy and she was raising a two year old by herself. Even in Korea her husband had to go out on field exercises and they didn't have contact for several weeks. My husband was in Iraq and I talked to him all but one day out of the entire year!

Those five wives are just five wives that have taught me that I am lucky. That I have something they couldn't I get to have my husband home when I deliver. HELL I get to have my husband HOME! Those three wives are just wives from my generation of wives... Civilian or Military pick up and read Chicken Soup for the Military Wives Soul or I could tell you stories from other wives like Joe Hoopers widow.. who overcome so much more than I can even imagine facing. Us Wives do a job. We are dedicated to our job (most of us) but nothing stands next to a Soldier. A World War II vet, A Vietnam Vet, A Korean War Vet, A Gulf War Vet and now I've seen the scars the horrific toll on OIF and OEF Vets that do their job and show their dedication toward keeping us safe. We just keep the homefires burning. This is how I get through my day (or try) without self pity...

Thanksgiving

Well I did it. We took advantage of having Alex home. We got out of the house and saw the new Saturn 5 rocket over in NASA. We went to the Safari. We did alot of different things. We even did Family Pictures. Since Alex planned on going to Arizona with his mom for Thanksgiving. Betty's husband Mike would also not be here on Thanksgiving. As well as Heather and her family would be going out of town. Rick and I thought it would be a nice gesture to invite them over for a home cooked meal. Plus you know how Thanksgiving goes with the left overs. I would like to thank my husband for assisting me with some of the dishes. Alex for manning the meat. Betty for bringing some of her dishes. I had a wonderful time

1 Year 2 Months and 18 days

I would like to thank you all for your support during our deployment. Its had ups and downs. Laughs and frustrations. I couldn't do it without my precious ladies from the Redstone Military Wives Meetup, The Waiting Spouses group. Mary Breeden from ACS, My Mommy Group on Yahoo Groups Bella's Mommy Chat, Various message boards and other Military Support Groups. My different battle buddies through out the year. Jessica Davis, Jess Rose, and my Betty. Captain Quinn and his wife Amy made a huge difference in my life. My neighbor whom I have been calling "CW" without you my Lady would be very unhappy LOL. Christa and Pegan always have time to listen and offer their advice when they can. I appreciate all they have done too! My Close friend Kristin has been an open ear for years before I became an Army Wife and I am sure she will always be there for me as I try to be for her. Crystal your a rock all on your own I love you!

To Rick's Friends and Family. Your loved by him and you have been there for me. Thank You. You've become part of me too!

To all those who thought I would never make it. You were wrong. I am stronger than ever, more independant than ever, and my marriage is the best its ever been and ever so much more growing with every word spoken.

A special appreciation to my husband my hero for working hard and making the sacrafices he has made. Not just as a Soldier but as a husband. James and Skylar have also inspired me and played a special part in giving me my daily strength and alot of lessons learned. I couldn't do this without you three very loved and special people to me.

Army Wives

Claudia Joy:
To rejoin life is to accept what's happened, but I can't accept it. I can't move forward; I can't turn back. So I hold my breath, living in a suspended state of existence.
Trevor:
But what do you do when you're told that no mail can go out for a week, due to security concerns? You get out a pen and paper anyway. Dear Roxy, I'm here. And by the time you get this letter, I might be somewhere else. Iraq has got to be the dryest place on Earth. Baby, there's no preparing for this - no books, no pictures, no training. Just the reality. It makes me wonder if sometimes you'd be better off if I never brought you into this crazy life.
Claudia Joy:
Everything that was familiar is now unfamiliar. What was light is now dark, and the world seems a vast and unfriendly place.
Trevor:
Death is everywhere here, in what you smell, hear, see, feel. And somehow, you're supposed to just put it all away, forget you saw it, move on. Is this hell?
Claudia Joy:
Or is hell never to love again?

Army Wives Season 2 Episode 2 Quotes from the Begining of the show.

"To rejoin life is to accept what's happened, but I can't accept it. I can't move forward; I can't turn back. So I hold my breath, living in a suspended state of existence." I will never try and compare myself to someone who has dealt with the death of a child but I feel this quote in my situation as well. I have moments where I feel like a failure. That I need to give up on bringing Mackenzie home. That my heart just wants to say its been too long. Then I bleed out and say I know I am in a better way now and I can be the mother I've tried to be to him. So yes I can live in a suspended state of existence. Sometimes I feel like time and life are suspended while Rick is away while he is deployed. The pain of facing the changes and how time goes by without him seem easier to not deal with them. So when someone asks about my Summer plans? I just say what Summer? Rick isn't here.

But what do you do when you're told that no mail can go out for a week, due to security concerns? You get out a pen and paper anyway. Dear Roxy, I'm here. And by the time you get this letter, I might be somewhere else. Iraq has got to be the dryest place on Earth. Baby, there's no preparing for this - no books, no pictures, no training. Just the reality. It makes me wonder if sometimes you'd be better off if I never brought you into this crazy life.
Have I thought that Rick has questioned this himself? Should he have brought Skylar and I into this life? I can reassure him with a yes! Not only because we have made a life with our soul mates but because I have a better life now than I did in Georgia. A better relationship. I can drive myself and I have reached some goals. Skylar and I are being taken care of. Is it worth surviving this deployment? Eh Yes and No. Would i do it again HELL YEAH!

Everything that was familiar is now unfamiliar. What was light is now dark, and the world seems a vast and unfriendly place.

Claudia Joy's words strike such a deep part in my soul. So real I couldn't have written them myself.

Death is everywhere here, in what you smell, hear, see, feel. And somehow, you're supposed to just put it all away, forget you saw it, move on. Is this hell?
Even if your out there deployed and you are one of the lucky ones to not have to be on the front lines or see death. I still can't imagine living life through Rick's eyes. Seeing the people that he see's or even the things he see's. When seeing an animal is the high light of his day and makes things alot more sane. Culture Shock? Yes but to the extreme. Then he has to come back here and live his life as he did before and not think about wasting a plate of food that a child where he is be hungry for it. At least I hope most people wouldn't take their life in the states for granted after seeing the hardships of other countries.

Or is hell never to love again?

For those who watched the show. I think this is one of my favorite TV Moments. The way as my husband puts it Claudia Joy is awash in Water and Trevor is awash in the dirty and desert. Both aching for the one's they love. I just get weepy.

Its that Time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.

James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.

There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him  about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.

As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.

Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!

So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....

To Be Continued.

 

Its that time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up.

James gave me an excuse today and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concered if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

Military Lifestyle

My husband has been a Soldier for over 20 years. I can't speak for him. Himself but during our conversations he has told me his favorite part of the Military Lifestyle is the ability to do the not so usual things. Traveling and Living in Germany. Visiting Turkey which he loves. The knowledge he gains from the Military. The schooling. Face it boys like toys so Rick gets to play with alot of toys doing what he does. All that can grow old on a person and now that we are married I think he's ready to enjoy the civilian life not that he has completed his years with the Military. Now he wants to watch our kids grow and his oldest himself be a Soldier.

As for me I have been a Military Wife for a little over a year. My adopted father was Retired Air Force and my sister was in the Air Force. I saw first hand before my duty as a wife in the Silent Ranks the challenges of the Military and even tried to do my duty and enlist myself. Unfortuately my health kept me from joining. I knew I wasn't cut out to be a Military Wife and in a huge aspect of the world I still don't think I am but in ways I am a good Military Wife. Even the step son thinks so. That means alot to me. I don't like to live far from what I say is home and family. I am not very very close to my family but I would like to be. I still feel I need them close. I laugh and tell people that I am a delicate flower, I bloom where I am planted I don't do too well transpotted. I love to visit new places but I would have a hard time adjusting to new cities as a place to live. Plus as a child who was tossed around alot its hard for a child so my first thought is always on the kids. My biggest joy for the Military Life style is supporting the love of my life. Being part of a very special group of people. The very Brave. I am a very patrotic person and I believe that The Military is a Tradition and without it no telling where we would be as a nation. So I feel special to be supporting our Military in my own ways and getting to live it even if its for a short time, The military and this deployment have taught me some good lessons in life that I needed to know. For that I could never repay. I can't wait to have my husband home though.

How do I feel now?

Today is so final. I honestly didn't think I would feel the way I do today. The past two weeks I had some temptations. I mean I had some things on my mind that part of me wanted to open up and let you in, again. But I left it alone to see what would happen. I just asked one thing of you. I am writing this to you like you would even read it. *Shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter does it. These are my feelings and emotions take it or leave it. Its really no one's place to judge me in my opinion anyways. I guess its just going to be some dust that is swept under the rug, eventually. For now I just glare at the dust and wondering what could be different. I left the chore up to you to decide what to do so now I have to deal with the mess thats left. As close as we were, as close as we could have been. Would I have even wanted it? I know I wouldn't have wanted this mess. I never wanted the drama and I was hoping things if they had to end so be it but they didn't have to end like this. I guess I have a problem if I don't feel there is closure. This is the first time I have gone through something like this. So I am not sure how I feel or what to do even. I guess I will get the same answer I get about everything. Pray. Pray for the feelings and emotions. Pray for you and Pray for me.

Military Wives ~ How to Nurture your Marriage

I can tell you I've been married to a civilian. We had a horrible marriage and it ended up falling apart and he passed away in 2003. Now I am married to a Soldier that has made the military a carrer for over half of his life. I can sit here and tell you that being a military wife its harder to keep a marriage together. That very well may be because your husband is gone and they are gone alot. I bet the divorce rates amongst soldiers is high if not then I know the lack of monogmous  for the unmarried soldiers relationships are.

I can also tell you I am a lucky one because my husband is not the average man. Which is probably the reason I don't hate him with a passion. I will reveal some of our secrets. Here they are. He's open to discussing topics and sometimes he even starts the discussion. I found a neat little website that sends us a daily email of Generous Wife/Or Husband Tips. I also get some from another site. At first I did worry that he wouldnt' read the emails but nearly every day he forward them to me and tells me his thought on that days Generous Husband Tip. We don't just discuss these topics we put them into action. Right now since he is deployed we can't do a whole lot but we find ways to have our date nights and just enjoy conversation together. We play games together online (I usually kick his butt). We discuss movies and books. Sometimes we will even have the same movie and watch it together just oceans apart.

People can sit there and glare at me for sacraficing so much of my normal daily time to spend with Rick. Normal families may get to crash on the couch in the evening with their family and bond. Rick and I have to do it over the internet. Almost like a long distance relationship but more complicated. People compare us to single mothers but we aren't its again more complicated than that. I have to manage pretty much three households. The one I live in, Plus make sure my soldiers that are over seas have everything to keep them happy. Thats my job. Off point anyways. I don't mind the glares from people because I realize they don't have my marriage and my understanding.

If you were to ask me how to achieve this? All I can tell you is you and your mate have to have an open mind. You know Rick and I have discussed going into family counseling and he won't do it but we do some things on our own that we don't need a therapist. I think that Rick and I are great as a couple but both of us are still and continuing to adjust to the blended family. Rick and I haven't gone to church together. No we aren't ashamed we can worship on our own and on our own time. With that being said we have thought about looking for a church once we know if we are going to settle here or not. I know I know give me 16 months and I am going to sit here and tell you my marriage is strong and seemingly near perfect. But we both are going into this and continue to believe that a marriage is an investment if we devote ourselves, time and love to our investiment its surely not to die and fade away. Its just going to grow and continue to do so. We have our books about marriage and work books we do go through. I have my chicken soup books I love, We have our marriage tips. We even have come up with some ways on our own as a family to stay close. I continue to strive to work toward a happy home and stability. Thats all I have ever wanted at all.

http://www.milspouse.com/how-to-nurture-your-marriage.aspx

What Hurts the Most by Rascall Flatts

 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

Its been a rainy tough day today. I can take the rain and storms any day. The rain is not what bothers me. I can take a few tears now and then. Songs like this certianly have triggered my blogging bug and my emo bug. I can take the tears and let them out. They don't burn my cheeks but going on everyday without you still stings. Your not here to hold. Your not here to share my fears with. I open up to you still but its just not the same.

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

The scars from this deployment will run deep maybe forever maybe they will heal. Memories like when the last time I took you to the airport have left scars that I didn't know existed until I heard this song. I hold a certain amount of regret from Midtour. I just try to think about the Memories we have made since our first days together in 2007. The wonderful places we have been. The things we have experienced together that I wouldn't want to experience with no one else. The thoughts that still linger are the words that are left unsaid, the memories that are left undone, The to-do list that just seems to be longer, our wishes and goals ungranted. The fact that with strength I didn't know I had I let you walk on that airplane the last time I took you to the airport. The devistation, the panic, the broken heart after you got on the plane. I couldn't find you. With Skylar and James sitting there wondering where you had gone to. The fact that I had to leave the airport with words unsaid and without one last kiss. Has left so much on my soul.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

I still can't say that us Silent Ranks have the hardest job in the army. Having put my life on hold. Watching soldiers everywhere I turn is a painful reminder of you being gone. I am proud to stand beside a Marine, An Airman, or a Soldier (Not to many Navy in these parts.) There are days when I act like I am ok and I just want to scream I am Fine!!! But there is so much hidden pain. Its hard to deal with the pain. Its hard to force a smile for the kids on some occasions. Its hard to smile when people smile at me. When people thank me for what you do. When they have no real clue the sacrafice. You know that Bulletin/email that goes around that talks about why soldiers go days without showers? A girl online asked me why don't you have water. They really have no clue that you do without the most basic needs. That you would take a kiss and a hug over a shower anyday. Everyday I have to get up and get dressed and live my life and everyday its another challenge to face "alone". The day you walked away I would go back and do so much differently. Midtour would be different. I would be different. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much pain. The tears in my eyes don't sting so much but the burden on my heart and soul never fades. The sting of watching you disappear in the airport that day has left some deep scars. The fact that I neglected you so much on Midtour, How can I forgive myself?

Tomorrow I have to wake up and relive all this over again. I have to walk beside these wives that aren't so proud as I am. These people that just don't get it sadly. We have been overseas for so long and people just don't want to understand what you are put through. People don't understand us left waiting feel everyday that you are gone.

Damn straight I know I am strong. I know that I have come along way in a year. I know that this is over soon. I finally realized what I have accomplished and I know what I do that makes you hold on. I know that my strength has finally appeared in my eyes. I will forever be strong for you. My tears I shed aren't a sign of weakness and my fears don't make me weak either because I am willing to face them with you beside me if not in body in spirit. If you didn't love me as much as you do I don't know how this would be. I love you. I will be here waiting.

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that’s what I was tryin to do