Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time¹

^{You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point?} 

I'll wait, I'll wait

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Little do you know

I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

Little do you know

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies ¹

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait

I love you like I've never felt the pain,

Just wait

I love you like I've never been afraid,

Just wait

Our love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait (I'll wait)

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies

---

1 FOOTNOTE^{↩ Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra} 

 

This is the last time...

An Open letter...
    To the one who broke my heart,

I am so drained and tired of the power you hold over me. I constantly feel myself coming back to you. Coming back just to be abandoned again. Your worthless apologies keep me tied up. I am tired of thinking for once, maybe one day, you will follow through with your apologies and empty promises. The guilt of you brings you back just for you to disappear again. Do you ever think how I broke behind another slammed door? Do you ever think of the tears I shed because you aren't here? I can't keep putting myself through this. Not just for my sanity but for my kids. I have to be a better parent to them and not get caught up in your lies. I fear you hurting my children with the same fantasies and fairy tales you've led me to believe. Over the years the words to tease me and reel me in again. To make me forgive you just once more just for you to fade away. All I ever wanted was for you to be there for me. So many times I lay hurt and alone and you weren't there.  I am sick and tired all of these games. You've ruined your last chance to keep me around you let me down again. After you leave I am back to being a broken child. You leave such a mess for me to clean up time and time again. There is no reason why I shouldn't be on the top of your list yet time and time again for years and years I am left alone. Maybe you never loved me, I think how can that be? How could you not love me? Why am I so unlovable? Why do you continue to abandon my kids and I. At least the other's could stay away once they left....

This is the last time I am asking you this... If I am not on the top of your list then don't come back anymore. If not to spare my feelings and not kick me while I am down. Don't dare break my children like you've broken me. You will never have that power over them. Ever. One day they will know the truth.

                                                                                                                                      Me...

Found myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I’m not sure how I got there,
All roads they lead me here.

I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better,

[Both:]
Right before your eyes,
I’m breaking, no past
No reasons why,
Just you and me.

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

[Taylor Swift:]
You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave,

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better.

[Both:]
When right before your eyes,
I’m aching, run fast,
Nowhere to hide,
Just you and me…

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye…

This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it’s been you all along,
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore.

Oh, oh, oh,

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

This is the last time I’m asking you this, (this is the last time I’m asking you this)
Put my name on the top of your list, (name on the top of your list)
This is the last time I’m asking you why, (this is the last time I’m asking you why)
You break my heart in the blink of an eye. (You break my heart…)

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Time I’m asking you this,
Time I’m asking you this,
Time I’m asking you this..

I Knew You Were Trouble

The intro to Taylor Swifts new video struck me... here's what she said I think when its all over it just comes back in flashes. Its like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back but he never does. I think part of me the second I saw him I knew this would happen Its not really anything he said or anything he did its the feeling that came along with it, and the crazy thing is I don't know if I am ever going to feel that way again but I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved to fast and burned too bright. But, I just thought, how could the devil be pulling you toward someone that looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you. Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance I think that the worst part of it all wasn't loosing him. it was loosing me. I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are. excuse typos I was typing while it was playing so I was trying to type fast :)

Don't you remember

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a time, a place, a moment. My life has moved on, I've moved on and changed. I have changed so much and my feelings are different but simple words can revisit very specific thoughts and feelings of a certain time.

Don't You Remember by Adele

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any scene,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

...............

Mean

You used to hold the door for me, now you can't wait to leave
You used to send me flowers if you fucked up in my dreams
I used to make you laugh with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes and walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone, and the candles are out
When the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling, and I�m thinking�

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

Always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know, I get so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you had
And all those �sorry��s ain't never gonna mean a thing, oh�

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck, trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should have drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually�

Now do we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
We got so used to this abuse, it kind of feels like home
But, my baby, I just really wanna know, oh,

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I am

I Am lyrics

Relationships whether it be with a neighbor, lover, husband, friend, family member are always complicated. Either you feel defensive and put down because they use words that hurt. They may not mean it that way but ultimately its how it effects you isn't it? When you say something you have to remember its not always the content or way you say something but how it will effect the other person. It can be life or death too. You can save someone's life with a simple hello or you can send them over the edge of desperation.
I think we have all been in a relationship before where we had our walls up and we were always on the defensive trying to not get hurt and we usually end up hurt anyways. Then there are the polar opposites where we make ourselves vulnerable to a person. Sometimes we regret doing it, sometimes we get angry for being so open. Have you ever done that? Which way do you tend to lean? Is there a healthy and unhealthy way? Is there a happy medium or am I just that warped that I have to do everything extreme.
I pride myself on being bluntly honest. I will tell someone what I think of them but I have such bad insecurities when it comes to my female friendships I often hide my scars and my thoughts. But when it comes to my husband I can be quite brutal. I don't know why. I say I have a pretty tough exterior with a no bullshit tolerance. I am insecure at the same time about my blunt honesty because it does get me in trouble and hurt people. I never set out to hurt people with my thoughts and emotions. I also question the validity of my thoughts and emotions. Thats something I have to come to terms with because there are some parts of me that will never change.
I have ran a support group since my oldest was 6 months old that is almost 10 years in October. I used to tell people to be aware that there are thoughts and emotions on the otherside of their monitors because sometimes its so easy to let everything out at your own computer monitor because its an object not a person with emotion. Eventually someone is always going to read what you type.
Emotions make you very naked. It shows the bruises, scars, and raw core of yourself. Whether your comfortable or not exposing them you have to do it with someone eventually. Well I know myself personally even if I hide my scars I wish someone would touch my heart with a healing touch and take me all of me with the rawness and scars and all....
At least I know my heavenly father accepts 100% of me and my scars. He may not always like the rawness of me but he will accept me and love me for every bit of beauty I have.

My SONG

I was enlightened in therapy recently when my therapist thought it was perplexing that I am motherly to everyone. Alot of my family (extended as well) lean on me for information, support, and anything really. My friends will ask me for advice or help. Its just is and always has been the nature that is me. She really is sure that I need to stop being everyone's go to person and take care of just ME, and the two youngest children. If I can do that then my anxiousness can calm down. I am more anxious than I need to be even when dealing with family and friends. I worry about things that are happening to them even though they don't care about it themselves.

Like when James cut his arm this month and I wanted him to get a tetanus shot and he just blew me off. I made a big deal of it but perhaps James just didn't want to have to get one. Men are stubborn creatures so why would I let that set me off? But I did!

I think of myself as a pretty good friend. I am honest with everyone, trustworthy and I try to be reliable. I am always there for a hand, ear or shoulder. Again its who I am and whom I have always been. I will continue to be that way but I gotta take a step back and let me be myself for awhile. I have to grow within myself in order to have a growing friendship and marriage with those around me.

I have to be healthy or I am just going to make you miserable.

I guess I just got lost
being someone else.
I tried to kill the pain,
but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind,
somewhere along the way
hoping to come back around
to find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
to say that it's okay.
Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you let me be myself?

'Cause I'll never find my heart
behind someone else.
I'll never see the light of day
living in this cell.
It's time to make my way
into the world I knew.
And then take back all of these times
that I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
to say that it's okay.
Tell me please...
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while,
if you don't mind,
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

That's all I ever wanted from this world,
is to let me be me.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while, if you don't mind
let me be myself
so I can shine,
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you one time
let me be myself
and let me be me.

Learning How to Bend

What song is stuck in your head this week?

Learning How to Bend by Gary Allan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvfJb10oc0M




I have had some much worry over what could have been turned into regret. So much fear that I didn't make some of the right choices. Trying to remember to be thankful for what I DO have. I am asked, will you miss having a baby? No I won't miss having a baby. If I spend too much time missing a baby I won't enjoy the time I do have. Before I know it he will be seven with a sassy mouth that never wants to be home. Rick and I were overwhelmed just how fast its been lately. 17 months ago I found out I was pregnant. Over 6 months ago William was Christened and now I am planning his first birthday! Time to remind myself again to slow down and smell the roses a LITTLE longer. I know when to relax and just pay attention but maybe not enough?

I often wondered since we had to quick hurry and buy this house was it the right choice for our family due to Rick not having a job to pay for the mortgage next month... Then I am reminded it was in all God's master plans to introduce me to my neighbor because my life wouldn't be the same without them. Neither would be Skylar's (we are already deciding to get a plot of land with 4 houses so when Skylar and Aidan get married they will be a few steps away LOLOL)

My church is doing wonderful things in my life and there is a reason why I started going there a year ago. I could go on and on but I am learning how to bend and let Rick in. I can learn to pray. I can learn to let Rick try to do things and work with him. Team work makes dreams work :)

--------

I'm still learning how to pray

Trying hard not to stray

Try to see things your way

I'm still learning how to pray

I'm still learning how to trust

It's so hard to open up

And I'd do anything for us

I'm still learning how to trust



Chorus:

I'm still learning how to bend

How to let you in

In a world full of tears

We'll conquer all our fears

I'm still learning how to fly

I wanna take you higher

I'll be there till the end

I'll be your lover and your friend

I'm still learning how to bend



I'm just trying to understand

It's all in someone else's hands

There's always been a bigger plan

But I don't need to understand



Chorus:

I'm still learning how to bend

How to let you in

In a world full of tears

We'll conquer all our fears

I'm still learning how to fly

I wanna take you higher

I'll be there till the end

I'll be your lover and your friend

I'm still learning how to bend



I'll be there till the end

I'll be your lover and your friend

I'm still learning how to bend

I'm still learning how to bend

I'll be there till the end

I'm still learning how to bend

How do I feel now?

Today is so final. I honestly didn't think I would feel the way I do today. The past two weeks I had some temptations. I mean I had some things on my mind that part of me wanted to open up and let you in, again. But I left it alone to see what would happen. I just asked one thing of you. I am writing this to you like you would even read it. *Shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter does it. These are my feelings and emotions take it or leave it. Its really no one's place to judge me in my opinion anyways. I guess its just going to be some dust that is swept under the rug, eventually. For now I just glare at the dust and wondering what could be different. I left the chore up to you to decide what to do so now I have to deal with the mess thats left. As close as we were, as close as we could have been. Would I have even wanted it? I know I wouldn't have wanted this mess. I never wanted the drama and I was hoping things if they had to end so be it but they didn't have to end like this. I guess I have a problem if I don't feel there is closure. This is the first time I have gone through something like this. So I am not sure how I feel or what to do even. I guess I will get the same answer I get about everything. Pray. Pray for the feelings and emotions. Pray for you and Pray for me.

Love me if you can by Toby Kieth

Sometimes I think that war is necessary. Every night I pray for peace on Earth. I hand out my dollars to the homeless. But believe that every able soul should work. My father gave me my shotgun that I'll hand down to my son, try to teach him everything it means. (chorus) I'm a man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right. But I bring my better angels to every fight. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can. I stand by my right to speak freely. But I worry 'bout what kids learn from TV. And before all of debatin' turns to angry words and hate, sometimes we should just agree to disagree. And I believe that Jesus looks down here and sees us, and if you ask him he would say (chorus) I'm a man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right. But I bring my better angels to every fight. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can. (chorus) I'm a man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right. But I bring my better angels to every fight. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can.

Overboard by Ingrid Michaelson

I could write my name by the age of threeand I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.It'll take more than just a breeze to make meFall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes arebright, then I think I simply aught toFall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me.I watch the ships go sailing byI play the girl will you play the guy.And I never thought I'd be the typeto fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall.To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-I watch the ships go sailing by I be your girl will you be my guy.And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.To fall, to fall, to fall...To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me, you can catch me.