Overcoming Fear

A few years ago I was in a group therapy setting back in Georgia in my old life. The therapist told a story about an old Lion watching over his pride. Outsiders wouldn't come close because when the old lion would roar it would sound loud and scary. In reality the lion was old and his joints were bad and he just couldn't fight like he used to... The lion had a young son in the pride though who's voice wasn't as strong as his father's but his bite and fight were stronger. The "False Evidence" is the older lion's roar.. it made him appear scary yet there wasn't much fight left in him. This quote and this story has pretty much given me some foundation for my "Second Life." 

I don't know I guess my brain is wired differently. I have anxieties just as much as the next person. I have one type of anxiety dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress that is irrational at times but with my anxieties overall I have them in check most of the time. I had a good friend that had anxieties and my step son struggles with them and I have never fathomed letting fear control me. When I was struggling with depression I had a dream that I was back at my first church Trinity and we were having a lock in and I woke up to see demon's taking my church family that I was extremely close to dragging them out of the church. When I woke up I just said to myself perhaps depression is the devil's way of casting doubt or trying to cloud your mind. From that moment I decided I wouldn't let demon's win. I know I sound like I am over the top and usually I am not but about certain things it just pushes it up to the surface. My feelings that fear shouldn't control me comes from this nightmare... this dream as if it was a direct message from God. I have been through a lot of trials in my life starting from birth, dealing with my parents issues with drugs, abuse, & neglect. Then operations through out my teen years. Domestic Violence as an adult and loosing my first husband and son. Then getting out of another unhealthy relationship. Now finally surviving deployments, being away from Mackenzie and dealing with the new challenges that are set before me. I have never lived my life with fear controlling me. I do what I have to do to get it done or I would have never have made it this far. 

I have talked in my blog about learning to give it to God I am not going to repeat all that again. But just using these tools has helped me overcome fears

I am afraid

 I have PTSD. I have never been to war. I have only seen what apparently my eyes shouldn't have seen. It was just too much for my brain to cope with even after 10 years. In 2001 I was separated from my husband at the time because he was abusive. I lived with an almost stranger he was a very nice guy. I lived with Mack in a sleeping bag in his living room. No Drivers License, No Job, No Money and I just had what I left the homeless shelter on my back. I was trying to find a job wherever I could walk with Mackenzie on my hip. It was hard. I had my Guardian pressure me to let Adam see his son. I had turned off all the utilities to our shared apartment. I was down to a few diapers, $5, Mackenzie had an ear infection, and my other Guardian had passed away Fathers Day Weekend 2001. So I agreed to meet Adam and let him take Mackenzie to the pediatrician. I made an appointment. He was supposed to bring him back that Sunday (Father's Day). He never brought Mackenzie back. There is nothing the police would do because we had equal and shared custody since we were still married. There is nothing Child Protective Services or Department of Family and Children Services would do even though he was under investigation for the abuse and neglect. I needed a lawyer. I didn't have money for a lawyer. I didn't have support from my family or my Guardian. So I couldn't fight his rich family. After that I went through a series of supervised (by his mother's order) visits. I was invited into her home in her living room as an adult stood at every door, door way, and window. I wasn't allowed to hold him and I was treated like a criminal. I had no legal right to pick him up and take him out of the house. I was only allowed to see him because CPS/DFACS had let them know it was in his best interest (and Adam's my husband) to let me have visitation. That's the only time they would interfere. In 2003 Adam ended up passing away from a seizure in the middle of the night at his mother's house (supposedly) while he had Mackenzie with him. I found out a month later by subpoena that he died and they wanted to adopt Mackenzie. Again I still had no $5,000 for a lawyer... I still don't. In September 2003 I lost Mackenzie.

My world tumbled in a downward spiral thankfully by September 2003 I had an almost 1 year old daughter that had helped me stay above water from drowning. I fully believe that and faith that God knew what my plan was helped me through that year and several years after. In 2006 I broke up with an abusive man I was dating. He did drugs and drank and was emotionally abusive. In 2007 I was meeting my now husband for the first time and like a responsible mother I left my daughter who was 4 at this time, with my sister that I thought I could trust until I got the call that my ex had came and picked up Skylar and took her. He had no legal right to Skylar. He is not Skylar's father. He also stole my purse. I went to the police station to file a report on my missing ID etc we were out of jurisdiction for the "kidnapping". I didn't think they took it seriously. I went into the police station in the area where I lived. They agreed to drive me by the house... no one was there. They couldn't take me as far out as my ex's father's house. So we were sitting at the Sheriff's office for a time trying to take a next step (again does it sound like they took kidnapping seriously? Go Gordon County!) I got a call from my ex's uncle asking me if I called the cops on his nephew. I told them yes but I hadn't pressed charges yet so he agreed to bring her back. Skylar and my ex were in the woods hiding in the middle of the night. I got Skylar back and left the state and haven't looked back!

Were either of my children actually kidnapped and never seen again no? But most children are kidnapped by a loved one or someone they know. Were they taken away from me while I was powerless? YES!

I have a fear of my children being kidnapped. I am very protective. I am hyper attentive to them.  I have PTSD. I control it REALLY well occasionally though I get an anxiety attack when I can't 1) access my child. If I don't know where they are or I can't touch them or see them. I freak out. 2) like any normal mother I hurt when they hurt. I turn into mother bear. I am told I would be crazy if I didn't react with my amount of protection. Jaycee Dugards of the world re-enforce my need to put GPS tracking on my kids. So my last Anxiety attack was the last time we went to marriage counseling but I didn't react I worked through it. The time before was the issue with the church and the time before that was over a  year when the school doors were locked with CHILDREN inside. Normally the outer most doors are unlocked you can A) enter the lobby and talk to the receptionist through the window or use their little machine and MOST of the time the school office door is unlocked. The inner most doors STAY locked from the outside. Well the OUTER most doors are locked - which is probably against fire code. I went to the Cafeteria and those doors were unlocked but I was greeted by a chick I didn't know wearing street clothes and I was told I couldn't enter the building and I couldn't speak to my child. So I got back in the car kinda in shock and I told Rick who had been working for 24 hours straight so he wasn't all with it. A mile an a half to the house and I had him calling the school. Boy was I heated! Of course they just said maybe I didn't know how to open the doors myself LMAO. Untrue and covering their ass. There have been times when Skylar is doing something with a friend going to an event that I am not there that is not at their house and I am NOT okay but I am calm. Or a babysitter has them but doesn't check in I get nervous. Rick gets nervous. One time I had a close friend watching Skylar and she took Skylar to her aunts and I was a wreck but I didn't flip out on her I just said please bring her back because I didn't know where her aunt lived and I didn't know if I could drive there or not. So my worst fear is my PTSD. My only other major fear is driving in the dark and rain. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 27 and I get nervous when I drive sometimes. I am pretty strong in controlling that as well. I am afraid of being attacked but again I think that's just common sense to be aware of your surroundings and don't put yourself at risk if you don't have to. I don't let my fear control me with the except of one of the few times my PTSD hit so bad. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real... a fear can be as simple as a big ole injured lazy lion with his big roar that can't do much but lay there and growl but from a distance it sounds  scarier than it is. I don't let the devil win either. I believe that its just another way to make things weigh me down, loose hope, loose faith. I remain strong and I do believe I am being taken care of.

Day 4 of the 30 DOT

Disclaimer:: This is my day of truth not YOURS. Its how I feel not you If you weren't there you don't know. I am not blaming anyone for how I am today either!
Day Four -- Something I need to forgive someone else for... I didn't have a hard childhood but it has effected me for the rest of my life. My biological and adopted father's were both abusive when they drank. My biological father has psychological problems and has been out of my life completely since 2001. He burned his bridge into my life and I haven't seen him since 1989. He took a lot from my soul I can never get back. I can't speak for my mother but I wasn't a priority in her life for a very long time. I faced many operations without her by my side because she was in another state, with a different guy, doing what she needed to do. I don't know why my sisters and I were often dropped off at my "adopted" mother's house many summers. I don't know why one year she didn't come back for me. I don't know why when I flew alone from my sperm donors in California why she wasn't there to get me at the airport. I don't know if I want these answers. Some of the answers I have gotten have been things I probably didn't want to hear anyways. At the age of 10 I lived with my "adopted mother and father" I was a sick child and had to have operations every summer. She cared for me and watched over me. When I was a late teenager. I had some rough times and got into trouble like most teenagers do. I rebelled some but I wasn't in bad trouble. I felt like I became the black sheep. Slowly but surely my adopted family pushed me out and we stopped talking all together in 2007. So when I was 18 I was left feeling like I wasn't wanted by my biological mother because she was hurt. I was left feeling like my "adopted" mother didn't want me because I was 18 and no longer her burden. She turned her cheek because she didn't like some of my actions... Again I didn't do ANYTHING horrible! I have never served time in prison, I am not a drug addict, alcoholic... I didn't get pregnant as a teenager and drop out of school-- not that THAT is horrible but it would be to her. I guess both of my mothers were going through their own turmoil and the result was me without a complete relationship with my mother. Most people have their mother at the birth of their child... I didn't get that. My biological mother stayed for the vows at my first wedding but I didn't see her afterward. My grand parents didn't come to my wedding. There were fights with my sisters because I didn't have bridesmaids. I think my "adopted" mother didn't want my oldest sister in the wedding. Perhaps because she just didn't agree with her lifestyle. Perhaps it was because she is bi sexual. I don't know. Again I never asked for answers and answers I never have gotten. Not sure I want them now. Many times in my grown up life my adopted mother thought I stole heirloom jewelry from her when I didn't. Many times I had an ex boyfriend or my abusive first husband tell her HIS side of the story and she always picked his side over mine. DAMMIT I am your daughter! Your faith is supposed to be in ME or at least ASK! I asked her for help getting out of my last relationship because he was an alcoholic abusing xanax (6 at a time mixed with moon shine?) and she just said wait till the holidays are over. Well I broke up with him right before New Years Eve.. I wasn't going to spend another year with his torture (almost five years dealing with that!) I moved on and looked for other help. I had an opportunity and I took it. That night I had to live horror all over again. my ex took Skylar and hid with her in the woods. I went to several different police agencies and no one would help find her. She was KIDNAPPED. He isn't her FATHER. I lived the issues with Mackenzie all over again. Thankfully his uncle returned Skylar to my arms. Rick and I developed a relationship but I NEVER cheated on Donnie EVER. Yet she took the crazy drug addict's side over mine! She told people that I was crazy and I deserved to have Skylar taken from me... after she watched Mackenzie being ripped from my arms and acted like she was helpless to help. For awhile she was supportive in taking me to the lawyers, helping pay for her at first, taking me to visitations... Then I had to have a major operation. I was told to stay away from Mackenzie. After that her life was always too busy to take me to anymore visitations. She stopped helping me pay for the lawyer too so I lost a lawyer... yet I was too sick to get a job to pay on my own. EVEN if she knew Mackenzie would be placed in a potentially volatile situation. The day of court she didn't even show up for support. NO ONE DID! She was under the weather with a UTI she said... Of course when I lost Mackenzie she said well I knew that would happen. WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT TO THEIR CHILD? Complete devastation set in for over a year. Yet Skylar not yet a year old still needed a mother. She still needed me and I was reeling! Begging for help.

Another person I have to forgive is Adam my first husband. Through his abuse, Him not taking care of himself so he wouldn't DIE. He should have been treating his epilepsy... It almost felt like selfish suicide. Epilepsy isn't deadly if its treated! At least his was never that bad. I have to forgive Adam for keeping Mackenzie away from me and treating me like I was the abusive one. Treating me like I was a criminal which lead to the circumstances above where Mackenzie was finally taken by his mother. If he would have taken care of this and worked out issues with Mackenzie and taken care of himself I would still have my baby... yet his hate drove him so far. Adam's father always told me he would be a father to me no matter what. Yet when Adam covered his ass and spread his lies to his family they turned their back on me and as far as I am concerned they turned their back on Mackenzie too. Robert (Adam's dad) knew what kind of situation it was. He KNEW he would probably never see Mackenzie again either... yet no one was there at court. It was very painful for me. I was mourning for Adam, dealing with my issues with my "adopted" mother, My boyfriend at the time was having issues, I had a newborn, plus trying to keep up with the custody battle. It will be a long time before I can forgive Adam.

Now I am told I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Its possibly a chemical imbalance that I was born with triggered by these risk factors...
Risk factors for BPD include:

• Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
• Disrupted family life
• Poor communication in the family
• Sexual abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

I also have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because of the events that happened with Mackenzie and Skylar. I never trust anyone with Skylar. I mean ANYONE. I have blown up at her school for not letting me in the building during operating hours. I don't like her not being accessible to me. Now I am showing the same triggers with William.

No I am not blaming anyone but myself for choices I have made since adulthood but sometimes the proof is loud. BPD is caused by childhood trauma. PTSD is caused by Traumatic events. Most of my operations are caused by environmental (drugs, alcohol, etc) properties not genetic defects... Doctors say this... NOT ME. How are these things not putting a direct effects on my relationships and decisions?