Mood and Grief Tracker

July 28, 2025

Mood (1 = Terrible, 5 = Peaceful/Content): 2

Grief (1 = Overwhelming, 5 = Calm): 3

My scale also reflects the small tantrum and rage fit I had today but not my mood the whole day.

My Imprint for the day goes to Stephanie Wiggins because she volunteered as tribute and we had breakfast together 

Loyalty

I have been described by people as thoughtful, selfless, loyal, and compassionate. I think I am a very loyal person. It takes A  LOT of things to cause me to actually cut ties with a person. One thing that is guaranteed to get me pushed over the bridge and have me burn that bitch down? Get my kids involved. That will get you cut out real quick. I am fiercely protective over my children. I am a GOOD and DECENT person and try to be everyday. I TRY to become a better person everyday. Today I learned something about loyalty. I woke up at 2 or 3:00 am to 15 missed calls and 100's of texts from a "friend" who was drinking and as he usually does he blows up my phone when he drinks and when he gets in a spat with his ex wife. *backspaced a long vent that is inconsequential that wasn't one made by a good and decent Christian LOL *  I then found out his ex wife went to the Hospital ER to have an MRI and let her young children wonder around a busy hospital parking lot, 4 lane highway... because she didn't feed them and they were hungry. I woke up MY daughter, my husband got ready, got the other child and the dog and drove two cars (I cannot drive at the moment). So we could go pick up her kids. Where from that point both people made me out to be the bad guy. The one that hasn't rushed to their side for years. I have taken them in. Given them money. Given them food to eat. I have been a good steward. I have been loyal and kind. Okay honestly as kind as my very unfiltered mouth can be. For THEM though I stay very reserved, I push things down. I turned my cheek to the betrayal etc. Forget it. Its not even MY feelings that are paramount here... Its MY children and THEIR children. I can build my children up. I can repair some of the damage they do to them but I am helpless with as much as they destroy and wound their children. *should I backspace here too heh?* Broken kids make broke adults.

Anyways back to the topic its not even just about these particular people in my life but also my sister and others that have betrayed me, wounded me (or my children), Disrespected me. Then turn around and make me the bad guy? I give up my last slice of bread and you say I AM THE BAD GUY? I couldn't figure it out. Then epiphany.... I am the bad guy because they don't recognize loyalty. To one person their definition of loyalty is never showing them that they are wrong. To another it may be giving in to every whim. To another it may be lying, deception, and manipulation. Those aren't the definition of loyalty. So I am the bad guy here because no matter what I do I will be the one disloyal to them because they don't recognize a loyal person because they aren't one themselves.

I am a person that has your back even when the wounds are fresh in mine where you stabbed me. But if you don't recognize that then I guess you won't recognize how once-in-a-lifetime it is to have unconditional love given and real loyalty? I don't know I have been on the soul search myself about unconditional love since I have never had it from people who shared my genes, my blood, whom fill my memories. So I treasure the even THOUGHT of a person being like myself to someone like me.

Saturday November 15, 2014: It was just, one of those things.

I did a whole entry while out and about today on the Blogger app and I pushed publish and it disappeared *tears* It was just one of those things, you know when someone says that to you? It could be the first love of a child, a friend or a romance, or something totally unlabeled. When you say its just one of those things it sounds so minimal so small. Just one of those things is usually something that is stratospheric not minimal. Having that moment or that relationship is life changing. You don't even know it but the path in front of you changes right before your very eyes. Meeting this person you may not even realize it at that moment but your whole thought process changes. The way you carry yourself changes. Your future has changed by simply knowing this person. Its just one of those things like when a meteorite hits a planet... the whole orbit changes. The atmosphere and environment change. Even if the meteorite goes away the orbit doesn't change again or go back to the way it was. The atmosphere and environment is still the same it didn't change back. Like a vampire they forever put an imprint on your soul... You are forever changed. There is no going back. You can't take back, give away, or give back what you were given. Its part of your DNA now its coursing through your veins like a fire. Sometimes the fire is a warm gentle comfort and other times it can be painful and raging. Sometimes its like a drug and the need for it is incomparable. Long after their gone they linger in your thoughts their touch has punished your skin and you can still feel it. A slight tingle and shivers go up your spine remembering the one who was there. So that person you may have just known for a day, a week, a month, a year... or a life time its just one of those things that you don't know the force of the impact and may never know the force. Its not something you can find or search for its just someone that is placed in your life and lights a fire inside you. That you didn't know you had. When there is a connection two people share when they've had this moment. That makes them inseparable not physically but a much deeper being. Its just one of those things that you can suddenly feel their emotions your so attuned to them. There is days when you feel so heavy because they might be a world a way and you may not have spoken to them but you feel heavy because you know something is wrong. Its just that thing that makes you laugh when they laugh, it makes you cry when they cry. Its just one of those connections that can never be disconnected. You feel lighter just knowing they are near if they can be near. It puts a big smile on your face knowing that you will see from them or hear from them. It makes your heart drop when they have to go. Its just one of those things that cannot be explained and sometimes its why people fall in love or maybe they just fall in lust. Sometimes its just a a special friendship or relationship or even as I have said it could be having a child that makes that moment for you. I love having that connection. It can be dangerous giving that much of yourself to someone. Sometimes your the more vulnerable one. Its empowering. Its everything that can't be explained. Some people may even say these two are soul mates if its with someone your attracted to. Some people feel this powerful connection with their children. When their children are gone for a long period to school, a trip, or at a friends house it seems that the Earth's orbit has slowed down. That's how much that missing piece can weigh you down. Its just one of those things. Its spiritual.

Thursday November 13, 2014: Why I decided to blog..

Since I am trying to gradually get back into blogging and not be a complainer constantly on my blog. I thought maybe we will take baby steps. Lets talk about when and why I decided to blog and what does this second life thing mean anyways? I can't remember when I started my blog. I think perhaps either my friend +Bill  or my friend Mia sent me an invite on Livejournal and I started learning the ways of Livejournal. Back when you had to be invited to the exclusive club. Which now if I use I am totally lost again LOL. But its still there for all the world to see. Sometimes I go back and copy and paste an old blog into this blog. Xanga, Yahoo 360, and Myspace have all deleted my old blogs now so I can't sadly recover those. They are probably on some cloud somewhere with my "Bella Bunny" attached to it. Ah I finally got into LJ my first entry was in January 28th 2003. That may have even been my second LJ I remember gifting one away. 8 days after my first husband died, yet I didn't know that he had died for another month. A month later I rushed down to Atlanta to try and get my son back. Anyways kinda off topic. Why did I start to blog? I have always been a writer. In high school I was a published poet. I have been published in poetry books, magazines and even Big Bop or Big Bopper (whatever that teen magazine is) Something I wrote about my favorite actor Jonathan Brandis. I used to write poems religiously and plays all through middle school and high school. You may be able to dig and find a few saved in blogger. So as I went through my trials of life, loosing my husband, my son, my family and trying to get back on my feet most of it is archived for the world to see. Some of it yeah I probably don't want people to see but some maybe even the same stuff could inspire someone, change someones path... You never know what your thoughts have the power to do. Writing has always been my tool. Its therapeutic for me. I sometimes get positive feedback and also constructive criticism which I am good with. I like when others can offer me and advice and encouragement. Its therapeutic that I can speak without saying it out loud. I am a very blunt person. I would almost say that I am painfully honest sometimes. What I say is usually twisted the wrong way. Sometimes I actually don't feel I can be blunt enough afraid of the power behind what I have to say. Sometimes what I need to say will just fall on deaf ears. I deal with that a lot lately. I can't change you. I may not ever be able to change your mind. I can only change how I deal with it. So I write to get it all out on the table because holding something in for me is dangerous and lethal even. I have tried to bottle things up and its just a bad result..  I don't always feel like I get my thoughts out clearly when I speak them. So writing is a way for me to get my thoughts out and even though yes it still can get twisted at least I can put what is in my head and you don't have to read if you don't want to. But its still free from my soul. I just have to learn how to say things in a manner where I won't want to take them back.

What is this second life? My life since January 2007 is a world away from my life prior that. Yet some things from my old life become a constant in the new life. My best friend Jennifer has always been by my side. The mommy support group I started when my now 14 year old was just 6 months old is still going we just have moved to the Facebook format since that's where most of us are these days. Some still have the same members as it started with. Its a nationwide mommy group we are a from all walks of life all over the US and I have even met a few. I love them they are some of my closest friends and supporters. Of course my two oldest children have been through the old life and Skylar and I are extremely close through this second life. She's entering the teen years and she is thriving and growing so beautifully. The old life when I lived in Georgia and now I am in Alabama. My old life when I lost my family, I lost my husband, I lost my oldest son. I had to live through some traumatic events. Without Rick it would have been a lot harder to get back on my feet. When I talk about the old life its even like talking about someone elses life. Yet the scars are still on my soul, the wounds are still deep and trying to heal. Through the second life I may back slide, I may fail, I may fall, I may get hurt and I am still damaged with baggage but this is why its a misadventure! Definitely an adventure to be had!

Its going to be really hard, we're gonna have to work at it....

Have you read Love Dare? Or read the 5 Love Languages? It is important that you take from those books and learn that it doesn't have to just apply to your significant other. You wonder how you can apply it to others? Why not "exercise" it on all types of relationships. The Relationships you have with your child(ren), your co-workers, friends, family member, and even a stranger. So my friends and I love a blog called Momastery. I admit I don't read blogs as often as I wish I could about as often as I write in my own... yet I digress.. Glennon Melton the author of the Momastery wrote a blog about the Questions that could save your relationships..  Another GREAT read and I highly recommend it. I read it and gave it lots of thought because I too have the "sticking to the health and weather type of conversations" that don't lead me to a deeper connection with a person. Its all sugar coated and fluffy. I admit sometimes its just too taxing for ME to be the deeper conversationalist and sometimes I only want fluffy stuff conversation because my brain is too full or I am emotionally drained but sometimes I want people to call me in genuine need for my companionship. They really want to talk to me out of a mutual need not just to fill in the blanks that its been 3 days 12 hours and 5 minutes since we last talked. Lately I've been talking more to a Facebook friend and we have really dived into some of each others skeletons.. I don't think it was intentional it just happened and I have really enjoyed the conversations lately and have had some insight on myself and a lot of new things I have learned about myself I am going to try and address. If I only talked to this friend about the weather in New York and her nieces I don't think I would gain so much. I have certain friends I know I can have common interests with that are more likely to gain/grow/appreciate certain topics of conversations. This may be wrong of me but anyways. My friend Stephanie posted the Momastery article from Huffington and she said what questions could we ask better of our loved ones? what questions do you wish your friends asked? Instead how are you? How are the kids? Everyone just says okay, fine, good whatever... What are you doing today? Housework... No one REALLY wants to have that conversation or do we have that conversation to save us from having REAL conversations. Do you sugar coat it and only talk about your health and the weather so you don't have to use real compassion and intellect. So read this article and don't just think it applies to a significant other but what about a child or a friend or even a stranger. It will be epic if we could all try this. On my Facebook I asked all my Facebook friends to comment below my article and maybe even tag a friend of a question they want to ask. If they didn't "tag" the friend then its a generalized question. So lets all dig a little deeper and try to ask a deeper questions in our relationships. Then the next time your husband says Hi Honey, I am home, how was your day? You will want to smack him! So what kind of questions would you like to be asked? What kind of questions should you be asking?

Remember its going to be real hard but relationships take work and the rewards are endless.

Roaring at Haters.

So after I was listening to MoJo... I love Car line for this reason and they were having the discussion about friends... Roar by Katy Perry came on. I have had some family drama lately and I have always wondered why certain family, friends, people in my life why they can't be happy that I am where I am? Then I realized because the people oppressing you don't WANT you to win... They are HATERS.

I must sound so full of it but this is honestly I guess my logic... If people can't be there for me in the sunshine and just LOVE when it rains then they don't deserve the sunshine and its ALL RIGHT!
Or if people JUST want my sunshine but vanish when it rains then its time to kick those people to the curb as well.

I have cried my ugly tears this week dealing with my family abandoning me but I realized they just can't be happy for me for whatever reason its THEIR issue not mine. This is not a new issue I have struggled with my family my whole life. Same goes for some people I might have called friends.

I have truly been blessed with the ability to not let things weigh me down... It could take months, or just weeks or days or no time at all for me to dust myself off but I ALWAYS dust myself off. Sometimes I have to learn that a certain thing or person is holding me down that may take awhile it may take awhile for me to learn to let that person go but I can ROAR over adversity I believe it and I have done it... maybe its what some people call faith? IDK...

The Trouble with Ramona

I was listening to Mojo (a local DJ on 104.3) and he was reading an email in a segment he calls Naked Morning Guy where this woman "Ramona" said she always has that one friend that always tends to call when she needs something not when she just wants to get together or whatever. I have spoken about such a problem myself. Mojo says even he has that problem even with a brother. So a caller called in and said each friendship or relationship has to be weighed and valued differently. You may have resources someone else doesn't.... Like my friends call me the Google Queen plus I am quite crafty and pretty good with graphics. I do tend to get people out of the wood work who just need me to do something on PSP or find something on Google and honestly its irritating because Google (or Swagbucks) and I don't have a special relationship LOL anyone can Google. I do get irritated that you seem to pay 0 attention to me 364 days out of the year except the one time you want me to work a miracle in Paint Shop Pro... don't offer to pay me, want me to use my resources that cost ME money, and don't even act the least bit appreciative. There are a lot of times i want to send people to http://lmgtfy.com/. So yes I may have resources, talent, and knowledge but don't let that make your head big it doesn't come free. Anyways he or she was saying to find a resource that the other friend has that you can use from time to time... How to tell your real friends from users? Call them up, Facebook Message, Or whatever from time to time and say hey I need and it doesn't have to be anything huge or taxing it can be a cup of sugar... if they are your true friend then sugar won't be that much of an effort for them. I LOVE Bartering... I am not such a great baby sitter... I mean I don't kill anyone's kids but I just don't think I am great with kids other than my own but my friend she's GREAT with kids and sometimes my son William is hard to be with but they were like soul buddies from instant. So I may call her to babysit for me which she says she doesn't mind... I do NOT like asking friends to baby sit especially for free. I always feel like the favor is going to hit me in the face. So if I do ask her to babysit I always pay her whatever I can or a very fair and competitive amount. But I also show her I am returning the favor by using resources, talent, and whatever to make her life easier. I don't wait to be asked I just DO IT! I have had a rough few years with some really close relationships... When I left Georgia with the clothes on my back and nothing more and made EVERYONE from coast to coast... well drop their jaws I wasn't even sure my best friend was my best friend anymore. When I was on the verge of leaving and breaking up with my boyfriend at the time she seemed to be more friendly with my boyfriend than me. I always got stuck at home doing mom stuff while he went over there to chill relax drink or whatever. Thankfully she is still one of the best friends I've ever had for the past 10 years. I had another best friend O. and K. they encouraged me to get out of the rotten place I was and follow my destiny but when I got to Alabama... O. got crazy and told Rick I was cheating on him and that I didn't make enough time for her... Those who've read this blog awhile know the story, well that relationship fell apart and I have tried to revisit it but I just don't think its a healthy one. K stayed my friend and we got closer for awhile but then I felt like it started to unravel when I got pregnant with my youngest. Perhaps we were on two different wave lengths... perhaps it was jealousy. Then her life took her down a path where we had one thing in common again and then something happened and I was spooked away again and I have left that relationship where it is.... I had a friend that I have had for off and on for 13 years? A very long time and at the beginning of this year I just kinda felt like I was her cure for boredom and I didn't want to be anyone's cure for boredom... If you want to talk to me or spend time with me it should be because you want to not because your on your 20 minute ride to the doctors office and you want to call me on your way there. in April the shit kinda hit the fan and then she took a path in her life I didn't agree with and she seems to be all about her new life path so we've lost a connection and I am happy for her but at the same time I don't miss what we had. I was finished I think before I knew it. I also had two friends B & B that really burned me about two years ago... I have had a hard time making new friends since then. I hadn't really wanted to I would rather be a loner (which is NOT me I am a very social person) than be that hurt again. I have friends... especially friends that have kids that are friends with my kids... you know you go on play dates or you hang out on occasion... But I kept them at arms length... afraid of the loss again. I haven't completely gotten over that and I am not sure I want to walk blindly over the rope bridge again :/
I had a very wise woman I am acquaintances with once tell me.. in relationships and friendships you don't keep score... I always try to remember that especially when I feel as I do now... burnt out. I know I may be in a better situation that some of my friends so I can give them a helping hand and when they get on their feet perhaps they will return their favor some how... I am not counting on it but perhaps.... I am a little frustrated with the fact is I don't even see some of my friends TRYING. I guess I need to let go and give it to God.

This started out as one blog and transformed into another... Read the next blog about Roaring at Haters!

Friendships

I am not without flaws,  Lately though my friendships and even my marriage have come into focus and I have struggled with my mental illness and it effects my relationships and vice versa. Years ago with O she would be two faced and be like one person to my face and be another person when my back was turned. With B she took me on a roller coaster like it was a nightmare. With my relationships well its quite a journey and not always a healthy one. With MOST of my relationships with family and friends I don't think I am treated as I deserve. I am a loyal, giving, forgiving, thoughtful friend and I can't say how many people in my life that I can expect to rely on with 100%

Rick and I were play catch up with our churches sermons. Pastor Mark spoke a few weeks ago on friendships and it was very relevant. I know not everyone is a Christian and I respect that but if you could watch/download take a moment and listen to this sermon... it even works on your smart phone. Its a good message about being a friend http://willowbrook.sermon.tv/mc/7504392

Pastor Mark says "Do you serve your friends or do you expect to be served by them? Are you a giver or a taker in your relationships? Are you a blessing to your friends or a user? Have you ever had a friend that's a user? Every time they call they want something?" He goes on to talk about his wife Jan who has a friend that always calls and texts and she always needs something. Jan says she just wishes she would talk. I have friends like this and when they do call to talk. They call to talk about themselves or aren't focused on the conversation so what's the point in having one?

I try to be a supportive friend. I may not agree with you but I still try to be there for you. I even have been known to stick up for you even if I don't 100% agree with it. I don't know if this makes me wrong or right.... but when I say hey I started this new forum? Would you mind joining? Hey I am having this fundraiser or online party.... Do you take a look or do you think pfft I can't afford that? Did you even look? How have you been supportive to me? Have you returned the favor lately? HONESTLY how much is it to send an e-card on my birthday? If you know I am going through some issues or a rough time have you offered to cook a meal or just drop the focus on you for ONE minute to see what is going on in my life.

After my hellish roller coaster with B. I stood up to her and yes she did some things that back fired but I took it blow by blow and was the mature one and just kept my mouth shut. I felt for a minute I was closed out of my own circle of friends then I realized if they did that then they weren't my friends. I learned life lessons that year about friendships. I lost two close friends that year because I wasn't willing to be treated like that. Since then I am learning to let go of friends that don't give as much as they take... Especially when I need space. You expect me to call you but you never have picked up the phone yourself? How about the golden rule of treat others like you want to be treated... try that on for size.

Friendships

There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. PROVERBS 18:24

Skylar and I went to Secret Keeper Girl last night. We got a mother daughter devotional I hope to do everyday with her. This passage was about friendship. Its something I am struggling with. Its not my friends its the choices Skylar is making in decisions and people she's is choosing to be around. She is at a very impressionable age and it worries me. I struggled so much during my tweens. With having to have major operations, my head shaved, not knowing where I belonged, being influenced in her decisions. So she needs guidance & prayer.

Share faith, Offer Prayer, Gather Hope
Friendship isn't a big thing. Its a million little things.

Friends

On a recent blog of mine. The Friday Fill- In. The question was what makes a great friend. Well there is so many qualifications to be a great friend of mine and the application you MUST fill out and to be approved by 3 non biased members and signed by a Notary... In order to be my new Great Friend... just kidding

But what I am not kidding about is the drama I have gone through over the past 4 years dealing with friends. 

The first "friend" and I met long ago as it seems we met like years and years ago. We became fast close friends. She did a lot for me and was supportive of me when I needed it THEN. She even along with in Cahoots with my BFF convinced me to meet my now husband. Then what went wrong? What went wrong was I am not sure. I started to feel uneasy and I thought she was becoming unstable. She made some accusations that I was using her etc. There was a group drama sort of argument and I noticed I always came to her defense but she never came to mine. I came to my BFF's defense after she had downed her and started rumors. Then she just said she was done. Then a mere few months before my NEW husband was to deploy she emailed him (she says she thought I was reading his emails) and told him I would cheat on him and she knew who with. I struggled with the betrayal for awhile we even have a song about it. I spoke to my new Army Wife friends about her and they said you can't just throw away that kind of friend ship see if she is cooled down etc. So I emailed her. Apologized for whatever part I played in it. She replied calling me names etc. Then a few years down the line she started speaking to me again. I would NEVER EVER give her my heart like I did before. But I was civil. Then she rocked the boat again and for no reason to my knowledge she went on another Kill Bella rampage... as well as anyone we were mutually friends with no matter what. Big Girls Don't Cry

Of course when I married my husband I went from one life style to a new one. Everything about me changed except the kind of friend I am and the kind of mother I am. I started meeting new people in my new State on a new Post. I started hanging around with Air Force Service Members, Army Wifes, and a few Marine Wives. I joined a Military Wives meet up group. I tried to participate and give my input... That wasn't good enough for the owner who thought I was trying to over take her. She quit running the group and it switched hands twice before it landed in my lap. I made friends with someone who contacted me on Myspace that was a new Army Wife who had a toddler and was pregnant with her second child while her husband was sent to Korea. We became friends and we were stuck like glue. I often neglected my other friends to hang out with her. We spent a lot of moments together... our husbands joked we should just live together and save on someones BAH. 4 days straight of Greys Anatomy Marathons. I watched her toddler when she had her baby, I watched her toddler when we went to Wal-Mart. I basically was the on call Nanny. I even made a promise to her husband to take care of her while he was gone. Then things unraveled with her as well and I got the ugliest Dear John Letter. Apparently Army Wives are good at them because it wasn't the last one I would receive. Again my trust was broken and beaten. My husband was gone and I had it seemed no body. I spoke to the owner of the meet up group (the one with the insecurities) that my participation would be limited due to the lack of friendship with that person. That the person just wanted me to be more independant and drive myself places instead of depending on her. I didn't say anything about what went down. I didn't gossip. I just left it matter of fact. Instead I got.... DON'T BRING DRAMA IN MY GROUP... apparently she already talked to her.

I picked myself up and moved on. A new friend came into my life and she just happened to be mutual friends with the ex friend... I try to stay away from that because I don't know what ideas and thoughts were planted inside their head. So I broke it down for the new girl. She said she would NEVER be like that. We were both pretty bold, blunt, honest (at least I thought with each other), and we were close for the remainder of my husband's deployment. She was my Pamela to her Roxy. Again she was there for me I thought. Eventually it became a roller coaster from hell. I stayed on it because that's what friends do. Just like Roxy did for Pamela on Army Wives. As my husband came home she struggled with the thought of my husband being home and not hers. I saw her pull away from other friends who had their husbands. Misery loves company I guess? Maybe its my own insecurity but I saw her get jealous of my time with my husband like Olenka did. Even my husband mentioned its like she thought we were married. We stayed friends for awhile... again her husband thinks kind things of me and entrusted me with his son and his wife. His wife and I don't speak anymore due to some unthinkable things that went down and I am just not going to open myself up to that anymore or talk about it. Eventually the drama became its own and other people got involved that shouldn't have and I felt a cold shoulder for the Military community as a whole. My husband retired but that didn't make me any less of a Military Wife. During this time I got a second Dear John Letter addressed to my Mommy Group about me from someone I wasn't particularly close with but I had made friends with that believed the lies... I'm currently working on forgiving her but I choose to not associate with her or anyone involved with that. For a 30 year old something woman you sure did act very mature!

As we are settling into yet another new chapter in my life.. Okay I do have to say as a Civilian outside of the Military World you go through several chapters in your life but rarely are the chapters so different you almost need a new book! In the Military I have been faced with new chapters in my life that took as many twists and turns as a suspense novel. As Rick, the kids and I settle into life outside of the Military. I am ready to make friends with Civilians again who aren't going to leave me as soon as we get close. I even searched online for a Mobility Statement Contract that I could alter into a NON Mobility Statement :)
I found myself in a mommy group with situations where people claimed to be my friend but quickly I found the sting of a knife in my back. They only came around when they needed me. When I was sick for months I didn't hear anything from them. The only time I hear from some people like this is when they HAVE to or when I call them (or message, email whatever).

Since I met my husband I have grown up more than I had as a new mother, a person who is responsible for one's own self, more than I did the first decade of adulthood. I have probably had a lot more people turn their back on me and show me their true skin that anyone should ever have to deal with that rejection and judgement. Not just from so called friends but family that can't just be honest with me... instead I get silence and coldness.

I still remain strong that there are some people out there worthy of my trust and I have two friends that are close but they live in different states. I still go to the Military Play Group when I can. I still keep in touch with Military Wives even though I feel scorned. I am still hurt and mostly remain at home through my days just to avoid the drama, the stares, the rude behavior... Or a chance run in with some. I'd rather not actually.

Bailey Love

Bailey is my neighbors Collie. Our general observation is that Bailey has chosen me for his pack. He herds me and other crazy stories that I could tell you but alot of people don't believe me till they see him. Including Rick. So I spend time at the neighbors house (Brittany) because she has kids the same ages as mine. Our 7 year olds are "in love" lol perhaps puppy love? haha.

Anyways I told Brittany I was going to start blogging about Bailey's Devotion.

Here are a few ways he has proven his devotion.

I was sitting on the couch and he laid down with his head on my leg and he would nudge me and give me love bites (looking for fleas?) and come in between the baby and myself. I asked Brittany if he thought Bailey would be jealous of even Rick. So next time Rick & I went over and he did kinda growl at Rick but ended up pouting next to Brittany LOL. Just the other day he snuck out of his house and the kids found him in the back yard. Tonight he knew Brittany was coming over & he sprinted across his yard, the street, and through my yard to my house and strutted in my house. The moment I was going to walk with him and Brittany to go back home he started whining. I was trying to give him encouragement but he would come up to me and walk back into my living room. Repeating the process. I finally got him to walk with me and on the way out he had to mark my mailbox to let all the OTHER dogs to back off LOL.

We were going to buy a fence to get a dog but I really don't think Bailey could handle it lol.

Project 365

Saturday we took James to work then went to the mall. Rick got a hair cut while I did some shopping. I went to Children's Place and got William and Skylar Christmas Pajama's for next year, Skylar a hat and William a pair of blue jeans then I went to Gymboree and got two t-shirts for William, a pair of shorts, and another pair of pajama's for Skylar for a total of $3.00 and change. Then we met my neighbors at a place we have never been before called Southerlands they have train sets, collectable dolls, play mobile sets, Melissa & Doug brand toys, doll house & castle play sets, baby stuff, crafts, art supplies, puppets, dress up stuff, Christmas villages... Etc Then we went to sci-quest the science museum. Today we need groceries and playing hookey from church because Rick has surgery tomorrow.

http://www.southerlandstation.com/

http://www.sci-quest.org/home/

William is 5 months old today

http://anotherrecruitontheway.blogspot.com/

His update coming soon on his blog

My hubby was such a trooper today and through it all he was still worried about not being able to take care of me. His tests came out 99% clear there is no short term danger thankfully. I am proud of him and love him. What a day we had.

Prayers for Melanie

Melanie's week didn't start out a good one. I spoke and saw Melanie on Friday. By Monday she hit hard times. Today she had surgery and things are looking better.

Updates from her daughter. I am so grateful for them.

9/6/09

Posted Sep 6, 2009 11:06pm

Today was not a good day for Mom. She started experiencing pain in her upper left arm and weakness on her left side around 8 am this morning. She didn't tell me about it until about 9:30. We headed to the emergency room at 10:30. Her condition detoriated over the course of the day. She eventually was not able to smile or lift her left arm or leg. The doctors ordered a CT scan and an MRI. The MRI indicated that she was not having an acute stroke. It did find a benign growth on the covering of her brain. They told me it was not causing pressure on her brain.
Eventually, at about 9:30 pm Central Time, they admitted her to the hospital and placed her in a private room on the stroke unit. They will be giving her Heparin as a blood thinner and medication for hypertension because her blood pressure has been elevated.
She is in room --- at ------ Hospital. I'm sure she appreciates all your prayers and well wishes, but please do not visit her unless you call me first. My cell phone number is (---) -------- I am limiting her visitors. She is unable to get up from the bed, so she must use a bedpan to use the bathroom. She is exhausted. I would prefer that she rest and focus on getting better, rather than visiting with folks. I hope you all understand that my main concern is her well-being.

9/7/09

Posted 2 days ago

The neurologist has called in a vascular surgeon for consultation. The vascular surgeon has ordered more tests of her carotid artery. He has stated that he feels that the cancer tumor has caused some of the plaque to break off from the artery, and that caused the incident yesterday - which they are now categorizing as a mild stroke.
The vascular surgeon will review the test results and advise us tomorrow as to whether or not she can have the surgery on her colon, or if she must first have surgery on her carotid artery to remove the plaque. So, we are once again in a holding pattern. Once we receive more information tomorrow, I will add an update to let all of you know if she will have surgery on Wednesday.

Surgery time

Posted 1 day ago

Mom's surgery is scheduled for 8:30 AM Central time at Huntsville Hospital. I have been told that we will be in the 1st floor surgical waiting room.
She will be taken back for preparation at 7 AM. Please do not try to visit her before this time, as she may not be able to see people due to the preparations she must go through this evening.
She does feel the love that everyone is expressing for her. She continues to appreciate all your prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes!

9/9/09

Posted 2 hours ago

The surgery went really well today!!!!
Mom came through the surgery with flying colors and no complications. She is now in a private room and has even been able to eat some soup and jello.
The surgeon believes he has removed all of the cancer tumor. We do not yet know the stage of the cancer. That cannot be determined until the pathology results are received (which should be in 2 or 3 days).
The surgeon removed 1 to 1.5 feet of lower intestine. He was happy about the incision because it was smaller than he expected it to be.
Mom will be on aspirin to help remove the plaque in her arteries. Once she recovers from the surgery, she will also be placed on Plavix.
She is currently resting and on pain medication. I would like to renew my request that she not have any visitors - at least for a few days. Once she is feeling up to seeing people, I will let all of you know!
Thank you so much for your prayers. We really felt God's healing power today, and hope that he continues to bless her as she proceeds with her recovery.

Speaking of my feelings

Never make someone your priority when you remain their option.

In the past few months I have come to an ephimany. I realized how much I've grown and changed for the better. How much happier I am with my life and that I am finally at a stable ground.

I can think more clearly now.

Some people have disappointed me. I feel like some of these people just can't stand to see me happy. They want me to wallow in their own disappointment and hard ships. True friends and family that really cares should be the type to have unconditional love and support. Not just when they want to be fair weathered. I am done with that.

Since the recent events have happened I have decided I was going to clean out my closet. I shrug off those people that can only critize me. Those who only have negative things to say to me. Those who seem to have been my life long friends but only count on Bella when times get hard. Bella isn't your free therapist.

I am tired of those friends who only talk to me when times are rough for them and expect me to drop everything to be there for them but when I need an ear or some advice either they blow me off or only talk down to me.

I am tired of those friends who think they can treat me like however they feel because I've known them a life time. I am sorry that no longer cuts it. If your the kind of friend that wants to bring drama into my life then you will be disappointed just as quickly by my lack of interest. If your a true friend I will be there for you when your having a bad day but YES I expect the same in return.

Don't call to only talk about yourself, bitch about your spouse or your life, Don't call me just to find out how so and so is... if you want to know call them yourself. Oh yeah incase you didn't take the hint I get it you like what you bought yourself I don't need to hear everyday about how much money you spend and then the next minute the lack of money you have.

Finally if any of this offends you then I am sorry if you are a TRUE friend then you know that I am a bluntly honest person. I come off like a bitch. I am who I am love me or hate me. I rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. Accept me, love me, be my friend for who I am. Who I am is honest, loyal, thoughtful, giving, and real. If you can't take that then find someone that can be there for you during your melt downs, during your pity parties, someone that will be willing to take your trap. I am not into it and I don't need to feel like people constantly ditch me and question why people don't like me.

My Stormy Aries SELF!!

Today I am a roller coaster honestly.

I got a myspace message that sounds weird or off and I think it means my first boyfriend which is also one of my oldest friend died last night... I am too afraid to call his mama and find out...

I am freaking out over the baby... I really shouldn't but I feel so stupid. I mean I bought mostly winter clothes for the baby then I realized it will be 100 degree's when he is born so he might be too hot in the clothes I bought him so then I stressed my husband out by telling him I would need something else but it will be 100 degree's during the day and cool at night so what would the newborn wear? His little legs will be red and splotchy in a onesie... Then a light bulb went off and said if the PJ's I have for him are too warm then I will go buy him some little rompers then why worry about it now unless I can find them at yard sales or something.

Diapers and Breastfeeding are scaring me... The thought of a c-section (I am going to make sure a VBAC isn't an option AGAIN and AGAIN) being tied down for forty five minutes I just feel an anxiety attack will happen. Not being able to hold, nurse, or touch the baby because my arms have to be tied down. Oh god I want to cry.

Then James... I don't know what to do about James. I feel like I've been avoiding him for days because I don't know what to say to him. am so proud of my Jamesy for being so unselfish to buy a Pack N Play for us... No one asked him to. I mean that says so much I don't know if I could actually say it without breaking down into tears. I mean that means he accepts William and wants to help with him (he would never dream of holding him still I think!) It means he LOVES me and yeah I knew that because he doesn't verbally defend me but he does it in his own way (we've seen some of the stuff he writes about me), I always think of my self as an intruder or the evil step mother bitch because I give him structure and discipline. Its amazing you give someone discipline and they reward you with LOVE! He doesn't buy gifts but this was a BIG gift and I know what he wants and cannot afford so he could have bought something he wants for himself instead. I have asked him to even buy his dad a $20 DVD and he said no. But he told Rick he felt like an ass for forgetting Mothers Day (although he didn't get his mother anything and never does unless I remind him... He didn't even want to call her we did remind him to do that) He said he really wanted to help with William and didn't know how. He see's how stressed we are trying to come up with the money for everything. Its truly a gift an amazing gift that I never thought would happen with my adult step children... WOW

I had a blast at my baby shower on Sunday thanks to my Hostess Crystal and her little assistant Heather who helped with the decorations and cake... Thats so sweet of both of them. All my wonderful supportive Military Wife friends that came. Thank you to those who came and to those of who were there in spirit you know who you are.. You learn who your true friends are even asking for the simplistest thing.

Anyways I rambled yeah I had a great time. Rick was supposed to take pictures but didn't cause he's a goober.. And I have to figure out how to get them off my friends camera and on to my computer at some point but here are some pictures

I got gift cards from Pegan and Marissa as well as Rick's aunt sent me cash which will go straight into Williams savings account or piggy bank!

I am tickled

The Military Life has been a hard adjustment for Skylar at some points. Her bestest friend Cari and her have been friends since

they were babies. Literally a life long friendship. We moved away from Cari and her family in order to join the Military

lifestyle. We visit as often as we can and keep in touch. Skylar's first friend to show her the ropes was her future "husband"

Nic... Eventually like all Military Families Nic's time was up here and they had to move to their next duty station. Many of her

playmates and friends have moved away in the two years we have joined the Military family. Mikayla, Molly, Colin, John Robert,

Genesis, Kayla, Kendra, Dezaray, and Phoebe... and neighbors. Skylar was blessed to be a social butterfly and has no problems

making friends but she does't forget the ones that moved on. She recently she asked to move to Colorado because Colin moved there.

She doesn't realize it yet but her close friend Nicole will have to go to their next duty station. So as a surprise to both girls

I am going to make a small scrapbook for them to hold on to with pictures of them together.

Today I started the project. I made three folders. One for each book I plan on making. I started copying and pasting the many

pictures from all my different files. I had started with close to 850 pictures. My goal was to get each friend down to 30 each or

less. So I went through and deleted the ones I had doubles of due to resizing and editing. I deleted the ones that just were to

blurry to actually risk printing. It was actually quite a few due to lighting of the Youth Center and Ballet School. Many other

places and my husband probably didn't take a lot of time to consider the quality of pictures the camera would take haha. Then I

went through every two or three pictures and decided which one I liked best because there was such a similarity (Skylar and Rick

helped.) Finally each friend is under 30 photos!! YAY. So now I have to jump on task and make these books. I plan on making one

for each friend and one for Skylar to hold on to too. So she won't forget the friends that helped her during such a big life

change.

I am tickled that I tackled and I am looking forward to such a cool project. I have less than two months to complete the first 2

books!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v396/Sntfrmgod4me2lve/Personal%20Pictures/Friends/?action=view¤t=333bd368.pbw

Thanksgiving

Well I did it. We took advantage of having Alex home. We got out of the house and saw the new Saturn 5 rocket over in NASA. We went to the Safari. We did alot of different things. We even did Family Pictures. Since Alex planned on going to Arizona with his mom for Thanksgiving. Betty's husband Mike would also not be here on Thanksgiving. As well as Heather and her family would be going out of town. Rick and I thought it would be a nice gesture to invite them over for a home cooked meal. Plus you know how Thanksgiving goes with the left overs. I would like to thank my husband for assisting me with some of the dishes. Alex for manning the meat. Betty for bringing some of her dishes. I had a wonderful time

1 Year 2 Months and 18 days

I would like to thank you all for your support during our deployment. Its had ups and downs. Laughs and frustrations. I couldn't do it without my precious ladies from the Redstone Military Wives Meetup, The Waiting Spouses group. Mary Breeden from ACS, My Mommy Group on Yahoo Groups Bella's Mommy Chat, Various message boards and other Military Support Groups. My different battle buddies through out the year. Jessica Davis, Jess Rose, and my Betty. Captain Quinn and his wife Amy made a huge difference in my life. My neighbor whom I have been calling "CW" without you my Lady would be very unhappy LOL. Christa and Pegan always have time to listen and offer their advice when they can. I appreciate all they have done too! My Close friend Kristin has been an open ear for years before I became an Army Wife and I am sure she will always be there for me as I try to be for her. Crystal your a rock all on your own I love you!

To Rick's Friends and Family. Your loved by him and you have been there for me. Thank You. You've become part of me too!

To all those who thought I would never make it. You were wrong. I am stronger than ever, more independant than ever, and my marriage is the best its ever been and ever so much more growing with every word spoken.

A special appreciation to my husband my hero for working hard and making the sacrafices he has made. Not just as a Soldier but as a husband. James and Skylar have also inspired me and played a special part in giving me my daily strength and alot of lessons learned. I couldn't do this without you three very loved and special people to me.

Its that Time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up. My dreams are wildly intense. My emotions and stress is running high for not many reasons.

James gave me an excuse the other day and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concerned if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

We are almost at the 3 month mark and Rick and I are already stressing each other out. Incase you don't read my blogs i have been super emotional. My Nightmares are a lot more intense and I just feel like its that time of the month intensified. Now I mentioned to Rick that I would have to postpone Skylar's Dentist appointment till August because I am not sure how much mine is going to cost and I have made another appointment because I have a tooth that either has to get fixed or come out. UGH I didn't even finish my thoughts lol. Anyways so I mentioned that I would postpone the appointment and he's like I can't give you what you need. I am not providing enough for you. I was just telling him that with her school clothes and school supplies I don't know what to budget cause i don't know how much its going to cost. and James errr James was supposed to do something on Wednesday and didn't do it. He gave me a lame excuse and it PISSED me off so I got him back. Rick will be like he needs to grow up then all of a sudden you would think I was telling his little boy to grow up. I have to remind him James is a grown man.

There is a new waiting spouse I promised Rick I wouldn't get involved like I did with the last. Anyways she just got married and her husband just got deployed. She works at the ID office and her and James were talking how he needed the Contractors ID. So she told him to call her at 8 am and she would take care of him. Well his Alarm went off that morning and he went back to sleep. Then she called me at noon and was angry with him. I don't blame her. Standing me up royally pisses me off too. So he finally woke up. I said Betty called to bitch about you standing her up. He said I didn't get much sleep last night so I wasn't awake at 8 am. I said well your Alarm went off why not? Not to mention to him that the night before I was up at 4 am in pain and I didn't get a nap the entire day so do I pity him for having insomnia that is computer induced? Um No priorities are priorities. Funny how he goes to work whether or not he sleeps that I notice or is it that he makes SURE he sleeps if he has to open the next day? So being the moody person I was I got this idea while having lunch with betty. I talked to James' boss' The manager didn't know shit. The assistant manager said Lil Man need an ID card? I said yes and he's not doing it because I won't hold his hand. She said I will make the appointment with him when he gets here and set him straight. I came home as James was leaving for work. I said Susan will make your appointment for you. I want it in hand when you get home. He WASN'T Happy with me for DAYS lol. I told Rick what I had done and Rick was like damn lol. One minute Rick is like stick it to him then the next is like aww Poor James. Shit got old a while back. Betty told me to Call Military One Source to se if they had any resources. They urge me to do Family Counseling. They said that the counselor should set me up with life skills resources for James and help me deal with this battle of Rick and James and back and forth. PROBLEM is talking James into going to counseling. Technically I can't make him all I can do is give him an ultimatum. I've already talked to him  about how its in his best interest to update his EMFP (a special thing for the Army for special needs) and maybe work on getting his dependency extended. Other than getting him to counseling the EFMP office is a BITCH and if he isn't going to try I am not looking forward to fighting the system for nothing.

As for the Pregnancy Emotions going through my non pregnant body. UGH they can leave now! When my former friend went through this stage of deployment she was handed her right to bitch card and took it out on me. I blew that bS off. I was told oh just give her space she's going through the hardest phase of being a Waiting Spouse. I was like damn then I am in for it because my baby starts school at that time. So now that I am at that point with less than a few months away my husband will be home after a long 14 month deployment. I just feel pregnant with the emotions. I cried during Wall-E today. I am freaked out over nightmares. Not sleeping.

Watched Wall-E and I cried. I watched Army Wives and cried of course I cried during Army Wives. At least no more Anxiety attacks whew. Army Wives should come with disclaimers Army Wives SHOULD NOT watch this show it could be potentionally dangerous to your health if your husband is deployed. HAHA! Its like watching Baby Story while your in labor you know you shouldnt but you just can't look away!!

So as I am getting a bigger boot to put down my foot a little harder. I am also having crazy mood swings that could go away anytime they want to. The Guilt because my daughter assumes I am her playmate 24/7 when there is alot of time right now I just want me time. UGH just thinking about the way I act makes me angry....

To Be Continued.

 

I signed up for PPP!

So My Buddy Crystal and I are always looking for opportunities out there in he world to make a little extra cash. Plus this is a good way to give me subject matter to post about. So you can find Crystal's blog here .....http://favorite-hello.blogspot.com/ and while your looking around check out her Ebay store Mix of Everything (Scrapbooking, Electronics, Clothes, etc). So enough with the shameless promotion of my friend LOL. This is my first PPP post. What's PPP you ask? Well since I am new to the company I don't have alot of answers for you LOL. But feel free to sign up on the website here https://payperpost.com. From what I understand they give you topics to blog about under there terms and you get paid to post on your blog. So I make a little extra money and entertain my blog friends. So if you happen to see a random post that isn't about deployment or life then feel free to comment and just go on about your way. I rarely get comments anyways. I do so enjoy them though!

So once again I think this Payperpost thing is a good idea and you should check it out if you are an avid blogger. Or just would like to make extra money. Details listed on the site. Crystal and I are going to give it a try and see what we can do with this idea. I hope you keep reading my blog and enjoying my posts. Comments and Suggestions are loved!

If you sign up for PPP or would like your blog added to my blog roll then be sure to notify me. I would love to read all about your world. Especially if your a military wife as well or just a parent experiencing the JOYS of parenting. My interesting include Scrapbooking, Working with Paint Shop Pro, Animals, The military of course I have pride in my husband and step son's jobs. Yes I am a Military "Alpha" Mom as my friend calls me.