Mood and Grief Tracker

  July 29, 2025

Mood (1 = Terrible, 5 = Peaceful/Content): 2

Grief (1 = Overwhelming, 5 = Calm): 3

Day 28 

Today, Rick hit something while driving to work and tore something from Lady's undercarriage, almost losing control. So she's in the shop. That's stressful. I managed to find someone to work for me. Brooke had stomach issues, so she declined to go to therapy. I find myself disappointed in people I had counted on or thought maybe I could. Just to find they are the same as they've always been. There is one person in particular I am the most disappointed in because I had the most expectations for. However, it seems the people I wouldn't have picked in a million years are the ones with the most compassion. Very disappointing. As far as grief its just a constant ache now that I push it far down in the place where my soul was. Jeanette mentioned she had a nightmare about being an orphan. I didn't have the heart to tell her, yet. 

My imprint on the world today is a little bit harder to come up with since I've been pretty solitary for the most part today. I guess Rick would miss not having a ride... but he'd make do with Jeanette or Uber. I remember when he used to ride with co-workers when they lived in the neighborhood. Mazikeen. I know she misses me because when I would get home from Georgia she'd run to me... my anti social demonic cat misses me heh. 

9 years ago

9 years ago there was this guy stationed in Korea. Trying to keep his head on straight, bored, and trying to stay out of trouble... So he started reading this girls blog on Yahoo 360. She blogged about her crazy life.. the highs the lows and her relationship. Occasionally he would message me some advice or a comment (never posting for public)... who knew how things would turn out... 9 years ago we certainly didn't have a clue the world would bring us together

Wifey Wednesday

I know your saying whew girl that's a whole lot of blogging today but I wanted to take part in this meme because its something I have addressed recently in therapy and in my private blog. The topic on to Love Honor and Vacuum is Make Up Sex is it real? 

Well I just closed the book on Captivated by You by Sylvia Day and in the 4 books I have read in this Crossfire Series the main characters Gideon and Eva.. both abused as children have gotten into this relationship with each other that is sexually charged. Perhaps they are not using sex in a healthy way but who's to say? Certainly not I. 

I have been spending time outside of therapy concerned about other people around me.. Maybe they are as broken, exhausted, cranky, needy, etc etc... as I am or can be.

So Rick and I had a disagreement and he made me feel bad.. He hurt my feelings if I put it out there for the world to see. It just sounds childish to say. He wasn't trying to have make up sex and I wasn't either but I felt the need to put in my private blog last week or whenever it happened that I don't like it. I don't know if it was from my own abuse or I just don't like it. That may be the way he handles it but it doesn't mesh well with the way I process it. I consider it a band-aid on the problem like the poster who wrote in to the blog. It just further triggers my need to fight or flight most likely flight since I already fought :( 

So this may be the topic for my next Girl Talk Tuesday :)

I am linking up here http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/category/marriage/wifey-wednesdays/

Fairy tales

So I am on the third book of a book series and my Face Book friends must think I never read because I have been having several status just about this book series. I am currently reading the Crossfire Series by Sylvia Day.. It was highly recommended to me after I finished 50 Shades of Grey but I never picked it up. Honestly I LOVE books I am a classic literature freak... Beowulf, Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe... etc. The greats I could get lost. In the Crossfire books the main characters Eva and Gideon have a love that is co dependent and most people would say unhealthy... They can't live without each other and they physically need each other. There are relationships where I've felt that need or felt I needed it in return. There are relationships where I would listen to the sappy love songs and wished that I could dedicate them to someone or they would dedicate them to me. That we would feel like that. That we would feel like the words of our own song. I read an article a few years ago that said the Twilight Romance is unhealthy for marriages because wives begin to expect that type of love out of their romance. What about way before that? What about the romance in movies? Or Romeo and Juliet? What great lengths that Romeo and Juliet would do to be together. Some pieces of 50 Shades of Grey were a lot like my past in a relationship I once had where he was terribly beautifully broken then with Eva and Gideon I think how ironic it is that the characters (even the gay best friend in the book) reflect my own life. No my husband isn't a hunky ribbed ab'd martial artist with billions and he certainly doesn't stalk me (or does he?) He's hunky to me *blush* and the character in the book Gideon possess some very similar traits to +Richard . Some I thought he had when we first were just friends, Some I wished he would have and some he does have. Gideon is like Rick in many different aspects its like a prism. Some of the quotes from the book make me do a face palm because I am like that is so like Rick or Eva your so like me... even though I find her a twit like most female leads in the books I read. I guess that's the going thing for romance novels when that's not me or whom I like at all. I am very independently thinking, strong, take no crap kinda gal... Amelia Earhart, Beatrix Potter... are all some of my favorite women. They didn't follow rules certainly not the ones men or society laid out for them. The women who had the mental abilities and strength of any man but still had the kindest softest heart of a woman.  But that's getting off topic. The girls in the books I read like Bella from Twilight and Eva from these Crossfire books just seem to be puddy in the male hands. No I WON'T Be with you then of course they fall in the next second and give in to every command... ugh.

I saw P!nk on Ellen (another woman I admire) and I had to laugh what P!nk said about her and her relationship. Ellen said well now your happily married. P!nk just laughed and said we are married things aren't always happy. We are REAL. I think that explains my marriage too. Our marriage really seemed fairy tale in the beginning perhaps that's why I am here (haha) I often told him I was on cloud nine... but after the Army, deployments, diagnosis',  a baby and more... we are worn now. Cloud Nine isn't all puffy white clouds and falling is even harder when you've been raised so high and let down before. Our marriage isn't always Romeo and Juliet... it never will be. Its not Bella and Edward, Christian and Ana, Diana and Charles, Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, Elvis and Priscilla, or even Eva and Gideon. Its Bella and Rick :) Its not always a love song, a poem, or a fairy tale its what's real. We have bills, sickness, work, and stress like everyone else. In ways all those things define us good and bad. We came into this marriage with baggage.. We aren't high school sweet hearts. We aren't each others firsts... nothing fairy tales are laid of... its what real life is made of.

Do I still crave and want a possessive, romantic, knight and shining armor? Yes. Who doesn't?
But I am willing to accept my whole life can't be a Notebook romance.

Home Sweet Home -- kinda

I am from Georgia. I lived in Georgia until +Richard Stevens kidnapped me and I didn't think I would ever move even though I've been Wooed by Tennessee and Michigan before... I just didn't think I would ever move away from family. I lived 4 hours from Family and that was hard at times. But I've grown to love Huntsville... Not Alabama just Huntsville. I do always look forward to going home for visits with my best friend. Even if its a mini road trip like it is today... I only went right inside the Georgia border to meet up with someone then I drove straight home we barely made any stops. I love Road Trips. I love driving MOST of the time. This is the first time I ever went over the Scottsboro Bridge and up Sand Mountain by myself. Usually Rick does those tricky parts. But originally I intended for it to just be +Michelle Jorden her daughter Kilie, and I.... at the last minute and I mean the VERY last minute Rick decided to join us which also means William had to come too. William was excited about seeing Shell and Kilie anyways. Just going barely inside of the state lines makes my day YAY :) On a bad note Michelle's van got a flat tire. Pray she can get a new to her one soon :( She just can't seem to get a break. Maybe next time one of my Georgia friends will decide to drive half way and meet me on the border for a lunch date or something *wink*

Welcome 2014!

What a way to start out the new year... 

Monday William was burning up running a temperature and then he started to get a sick tummy.. I usually don't rush my little ones to the doctor since 99% of the time I hear Skylar has strep even though she rarely has symptoms and/or its just a virus it has to work its way out. But I was genuinely concerned and Rick said he would just feel better if I took William to the doctor so I did. He weighed just shy of 40 lbs and he had a 103 Temp. They swabbed him for influenza and strep throat. Strep came back positive. Poor Bubby was more still and quiet than he's been since the day before he was born. He slept almost all day with a small spurt of energy.. Anyone that knows William knows he has the energy of 4 - four year old boys. Yesterday he wasn't any better and for awhile we were really worried because the stomach got much worse and he had not gone potty. So we canceled the sitter (she is sick anyways) and just chose to stay in. It was also my husband +Richard Stevens  50th birthday. He ran to get take out from one of our favorite resturants and I ran to Publix to get birthday party supplies (cake, ice cream, birthday card, present, candles)... We had our own little party here at the house. Not the Steam Punk bash I had planned :( 

1/1/2014...

William is better. He only vomited this morning and has been holding down everything else. His fever finally broke after 3 days and he hasn't napped today. We've had a chill and lazy day. The kids playing Sims and Just Dance and just playing. Rick building his war game and me bouncing between things like the new American Girl Release of Isabelle, Sims, chores, and playing with the kids.

Fever Bugs showing a Normal temperature.

So funny (adult language)

LMAO its like my daughter and husband  in a blog... She wouldn't do beanie babies, or Monster High but she will take plain ear buds... and instead of an Itouch (which she wouldn't refuse) she would ask for an IPHONE because well we are a teenager now... and yes the North Faces and Justice all asked for LOL... and she already has Saige and the DVD *hangs head* http://deadspin.com/my-kids-insane-christmas-wish-list-annotated-1476311653

Carpe diem - the time I actually seized the day.

Should I start by telling a Thelma and Louise or a Bonnie and Clyde type story.. Sharing a bunch of pictures of our journey. It really didn't happen with all the thrill and excitement that Hollywood gives us. My Louise to my Thelma they were not with me but I thought maybe they were supporting me from the comfort of their homes in Florida and New York. My "Brad Pitt" wasn't in a convertible but it was a rusty old Geo Metro oh and we had a four year old stow away. The day I said Carpe Diem knowing I was giving up a whole branch of my family tree... just chopping it right down. Leaving behind the world I created in Georgia when just months earlier I swore I would never leave as long as Mackenzie was stuck there. In 24 short hours I decided to wrap the scarf around my neck grab my 4 year old by the hand and just jumped into the abyss without looking. Believe it or not the 4 hour car ride to Huntsville wasn't filled with awkward silences. I was in lust or love with my prince charming we seemed to mesh like Peanut Butter and Jelly. We had just met in person less than 48 hours earlier but we KNEW each other in such a deeper meaning and way we drove into our future without looking in the rear view mirror

JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS
Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light

Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right

I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line

Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind

Well it's been long enough

Time is up



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

I ain't never lookin' back and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before

You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4

Baby what did you expect me to do

Just sit around and wait on you

Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth

And I know it sounds trite

I've seen the light



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



I'd lost the game I guess

I did my best to win the part

Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart

Bye bye, I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back you can count on that

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye

Oh baby

Oh

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

LyricsBay | JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS

Decision

 I lead my life with my heart whether it be wrong or right its how I roll... Some people may have thought that it was a tough decision on leaving Georgia but it wasn't I trusted my instincts. Was it a tough decision marrying Rick with just living with him two short weeks? No! I dated my first husband a year and got married with the formal wedding and all that just to be a victim of domestic violence and sexual abuse. I always had second thoughts even standing at my reception wondering about my first love and if I was making the right decision on leaving him behind. I said I would never marry again if I had doubt. I dated my ex for five years and I wasn't ready to have kids or marry him. I am glad I never did. So I moved in...new to Huntsville... new to Army life and married into it in about two short weeks and no regrets. I don't live life by regrets. As they say at one time it was what you wanted. It wasn't a tough decision for me. It wasn't impulsive either. I did think about it A LOT! The tough decision of my life has had to do with other things I am just not ready to open up about. For one it involves someone that is no longer on Earth and I don't believe in bringing it up. I will tell you about one tough decision I made. I was separated from my first husband living in one of those hotel's you pay by the week, pregnant, working at Waffle House, sicker than a dog. I had horrible morning sickness. My Guardian wanted me to give up my baby for adoption. I had a family picked out. My friend April's sister wanted my little girl. My biological mother told me I wouldn't DARE adopt out a baby outside of our family that I should just give it to my sister. My Guardian argued she would disown me. It was a nightmare. I urge you to NEVER EVER EVER do this to your child. PLEASE do not give your child ultimatums when it comes to the hardest decision of their lives on whether or not to parent. YOU do not have to deal with the guilt on the decision. THEY do. I was so sick with morning sickness, kidney infections over and over again. I couldn't work so I couldn't pay my rent and I was so worried about how I was going to pay bills during Maternity Leave. Its not like Waffle House pays you haha. I had the other waitress' stealing my tips anyways. I had a homeless woman get another customer to pay my rent. I saw my husband and he said you can't give up this baby and he suggested even naming it Tristan if it is a boy. At the time I barely got to see my beautiful son and I made a promise to my daughter that I would keep her and I wouldn't depend on anyone else to support her and any of her dreams and needs would be met by me. I owe her so much. Skylar and I will always have that amazing bond because of one really tough decision.

Our 5th Anniversary

Before you know it 5 years goes by... so much has happened... so much has changed. We've changed, our children have grown... loving and living life...

My daughter, Skylar, 4 years old this day in 2007

5 years ago the pictures of this sweet little blonde headed round faced girl is hardly recognizable in her red dress and red tights. Now she is almost 10 and growing up quicker than I can blink. In 5 years we have been through a deployment then Alex's deployment, We've bought a car and a house and had a baby. You've retired out of the military and started a career at Northrup Grumman. Five years ago I didn't think this is where we would be but I can't say my dreams haven't come true. Its been a journey and on most journeys through life it isn't always easy but I can bet its worth it!

Rick in 2006 (Korea)

Skylar & I in 2006 in Georgia

In 2006 there was something called Yahoo 360. Sort of a blog... sort of a social networking site. Maybe one of the first? I wrote a blog about sucky life from Georgia. You were bored, newly single, avoiding trouble when you were stationed in Korea. You found it somehow and read it. You would send me comments here and there for about 6 months. Then it came time for you to leave Korea.. You got stationed in Alabama! We chatted some through instant messenger and Yahoo 360. I complained about my horrible relationship and you complained about women afraid of commitment. Your no where love life and as you explained it your downward spiral.  By December the D' Man's addiction got really bad and life for me was pretty hard. My two jobs had cut hours back horribly. D' Man was abusing alcohol and xanax enough to pass out for days. He was getting laid off too they were closing the factory for good. The emotional abuse from him reached a fever pitch and my online support told me I had to leave (once again I was in that situation) that it was horrible for my princess. I saw the green grass out there. I had no idea it was you that my heart wanted. You heard rumors of deployment looming and I was thrown for a loop. I had no idea why it was hard for me to take even if you reassured me it was probably in the Green Zone (probably a lie). I mean I have known plenty of people to deploy and I never felt like this. I would even talk to D' Man about it. I would talk to my two closest friends "O." and Kristin. I told O. and Kristin almost everything. On December 30th I decided I couldn't start another new year with the same drama, the same abuse as I survived once before. I broke it off with D' Man he wasn't taking no for an answer either. I had no place to go either even after I begged my Guardian for help. I tried. After the new year you started to talk to me about house sitting for you while you were deployed. I could take public transportation around Huntsville, watch the house, work wherever I wanted, Skylar would need to be in Pre K or Daycare. We had a plan. We had a plan that if I wanted to live in Huntsville. No strings attached and just stay while you were deployed at least you could help me get on my feet in one way... just a safe shelter there with the boys (Alex and James). Alex was also working at the time. So Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday came which means a long weekend for the Military. You drove to Georgia to meet me and discuss if this was a situation I would like to do on a platonic level. You told the boys you were coming to me and my daughter. I arranged for my sister and her wife to watch Skylar but that quickly turned into a disaster after D' Man found out I was meeting a man. It was truly one of the second worst nightmares of my life and you didn't haul ass back to Alabama. At that point there was sparks there and O. and Kristin had already read some of the emails and stuff and they told me it was Kismet that if I ignored it (which I planned on ignoring it because I didn't want a rebound.) I would be a fool and would regret it if something happened to you when you were deployed. That night I called my guardian which was as close as I had to a mom and told her about the horrible night and I said I planned on moving to Alabama eventually. She was disgusted with me and she didn't agree with it. Certain events happened and it went from eventually to the same day or the next day.

Our first photo together in 2007

So as you say on Martin Luther King Jr's birthday you kidnapped me and brought me to Huntsville.

Alex was very close to leaving for MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) and BCT (Bootcamp) adjustments were a bit difficult at first looking back I see a lot of James reactions were pretty sincere and nothing against me or the little 4 year old intruder. Everyone had to get used to having her around. Within a week or so we sat the boys down and James said well... you are getting married aren't you? We wanted to do it before Alex left and before you got orders yourself. Then I planned on us eloping in just a few whirlwind days and we went up to the Chapel on the Mountain and got married in the presence of most of our children and total strangers. After the ceremony we went to Logan's for dinner and enjoyed each other's company. The next day Alex had to leave for BCT for months.

Its funny I looked back on my blogs (myspace and here) to see if I blogged anything when we got married and I didn't blog for the first 4-5 months of our marriage. Most of my Myspace blogs have been erased from the server by the Myspace God's screw you!. Maybe I had them on yahoo 360 and they could be forever lost. Who knows! I know eventually you did get deployment orders. You were leaving for training just 5 months into our marriage. We took trips and went on a marriage retreat of course we were newlyweds there wasn't nothing to fix yet but a lot to learn about marriage and even though it was a second marriage for both of us we both knew we had a lot to learn! When we were in Huntsville you got me comfortable here and comfortable with Military Life. How easily I got it! I fell in love with Huntsville. People said it was the best decision I ever made. I can't deny it has to be one of the best!
On July 22nd you left for Kansas to go to training. It was a rough and tough road at first. I didn't know what to expect and just tried to keep Skylar & myself busy

Even now when I hear a song I listened to during your training and deployment it takes me back to those emotions and those fears. I am SO proud of us. I know not everyone deals with deployment very well and I honestly had my fears since I have abandonment issues and had just dealt with the major blow of loosing a best friend and struggling to hold on to the other all awhile of letting you go without even family to turn to. I had my family a 19 year old away AIT, a 18 year old that well God only knows what he was thinking he was probably unsure and scared, and a 4 year old that seemed more sure about her future than we were. She often verbalized it too. She was so much my rock. You have given me such a foundation and a piece of your heart how could I let you down? 

I couldn't have made it without that little bit of foundation and Skylar's steady strength.

Yet still I listen to some of the lyrics from those songs and I feel the same lows I had, the lonely days, the days where I knew how in love I was with you.

From October 10th 2007- You no longer belonged to me you were 100% property of the US Army on foreign soil. You decided to come home for our first Anniversary. I had totaled your car back in October so we had to buy a new car during R&R not exactly how I wanted to spend my R&R. I had planned an awesome Anniversary though... A night at the Embassy Hotel, A Couples Massage and a Gondola ride.

At the Embassy I reserved the Honeymoon Suite and I snuck in to give it my own touch of romance. We dropped Skylar off at the sitter and arrived at the hotel at dinner at Ruth and Chris. At 4 Am there was a Tornado Siren and we were being evacuated to the lobby. A tornado was overhead... yet the ceiling was made of glass?

The next day we went ahead with our couples massage at the hotel spa. A few days later when the winds calmed down it was safe enough to go on the Gondola. Memories that won't ever fade

You came home to me in October 2008! Within two months we were pregnant with William of course with a pregnancy and new baby things seem to be a whirlwind. I couldn't tell you what we did for our third anniversary other than probably eating at Logans. Our Fourth anniversary was at Melting Pot.

After you came home from Iraq we've had even harder adjustments, even larger hills to climb but we are making it and hopefully its sealing the glue between us.

A vacation I hope to take this year...

In 2010 I had to attend my step father's funeral near Mobile Alabama. We had never been there before. We visited Daulphin Island but it was dark and we couldn't do anything but there was this really cool Civil War Fort. Fort Gaines Its one of the nations most endangered historical sites! Article : Here
So I would like to go back to Daulphin Island and explore it more and take the ferry over to Gulf Shores Alabama and enjoy a day at the beach. Maybe we could even find a cabin or hotel at Gulf Shores and Ferry over to Daulphin Island. Then after a day or two of enjoying the Gulf of Alabama maybe head over toward Mississippi or Louisiana and visit a long time friend Danielle.

My Family reuniting after more than 6 years.

You see I run a Mommy Support Group Online and I have ran it for 11 years this past October. Danielle was one of my first members. We were just discussing the other day how we met and we have conflicting stories about how I found her or got her to join. Anyways we talk almost every day by phone but we have never met the 10 years we have known each other online and through the phone.  I have met several other mommy loop members including close friend Kristin. I have actually gotten to see her twice! She is from New York, There is Michelle that conveniently lived 20 minutes from me as well as Lindsay. My Mommy loop has been a blessing for me over the years. Most of us have children that are nearly adults or entering into teen phase but some of us are new or once-again mothers as well. If your interested in joining my mommy loop leave me a comment or email at bellassecondlife@gmail.com for more information. Hopefully I get to meet another Mommy Loop member next month so naturally Danielle wants us to meet up soon! Danielle's daughter as well as Kristin's daughter have been talking to mine! Its so neat! I wonder if I had a bunch of money could I fly all my mommy friends to one resort and have a blast or even bring their families? Can you imagine!

Danielle and Darin's kids

Danielle and Darin

Kristin and I in 2010

Kristin and I in 2011

Chelley, Skylar & I

Our recent encounter with identity theft.

Have you ever thought about investing into identity protection like IdentityHawk ?

I was checking our bank account online one night when I saw some mysterious charges and the fact that we were in over draft. Rick said he didn't know anything about the $500+ dollars in over draft. Funny with the bank we were using (Regions) they usually take money out of our savings to cover any overages and to take out there Overdraft Fee's but there was still money in it. So we reported the suspicious activity to the company about a Thursday/Friday night. Regions told us we would have to wait for it to clear and go directly to the companies to see if they would issue "refunds". I had dealt with this before when Subway charged us $15 when we hadn't been there and it came from a card that was literally bent in half. I was pissed that Regions didn't stand by my on my behalf. Finally a day after they said that it could take a week to clear then at that point they would file a fraud on it. Monday came and went and some of them had disappeared or cleared so we started the fraud investigation. Regions said it could be 30 days before we would see our money. Thankfully we had two other savings accounts, plus cash on hand... we actually had to resort to using credit cards to get us through Christmas. I was getting so irritated by the lack of help from Regions that I called the police and filed a police report. They weren't happy that Regions wasn't being helpful. They were helpful to me though. We still have no idea where the source of the theft was... a restaurant, a gas pump, an online purchase..we traced the IP to Israel... but that's as far as the investigators got. Hopefully the theft will be caught eventually. We still worried about what other information out there is vulnerable. Have you ever used identity protection like Identity Theft Protection?


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Wifey Wednesday

I have an Army Wife friend of mine I met when we were stationed here at Redstone together. I am not going to call her out by name because I am not sure she would be comfortable with that. Plus it might be a violation of girl code lol.  ;D I see with what view I have the relationship she has with her Soldier, Her Hero, Her husband. I think they have been together a long time and she knows her job is to be a good wife (help meet) and mother. I was intrigued and read her blog quite a bit. A good help meet, house wife, working mother.. .whatever plan God has for me I think that is what I should strive to be. Also in church Pastor Mark talks a lot about being submissive (not in a bad way) to our husbands. I have to wonder perhaps though. Without striking the word of God but what if that isn't our position in our family life. What if our husband doesn't function at 100% Maybe he functions better when we are 50/50? Then what then? My husband has ADD, Short Term Memory Loss, and PTSD from his time in Iraq so certain things I am expected to step up and just do. So I wonder is THAT how I am a good Help Meet? Some people say I should just step back and let him take control and if I have faith in him he will be able to juggle it all. I am not sure that is what God is asking. I could never see myself being June Clever or a Stepford Wife. But I would like to be better than I am I just feel like under my current circumstances I am stretched pretty thin. I know I can gain strength from that and eventually not feel so stretched with faith and prayer. 

I am just exploring these thoughts and wanting to know more about what it says in God's word and what would work best? Am I doing this wife thing all wrong?

How do you deal with that kind of news?

When Rick and I first got together he was super attentive hung on my every word. People would compliment us about how they could see the love between us. EVEN deployed he spent every second he could online... on webcam with me which was actually quite a lot. Because of the time difference we were kind of on opposite schedules he would sleep while I was busy with my day and while I was sleeping he would work. He was super attentive and all the good stuff you hear about when someone is wooing or the honeymoon period. Then when he got  home from Iraq I felt like I lost my best friend. That my best friend had left that piece of himself in Iraq. For the past three years he has been home its been very hard to deal with. We've been going through counseling off and on due to a therapist being very ill.  Now we've been going to the Veterans Affairs Counselling and she seems to be helping. She had him tested for ADD and she said she hasn't seen an adult squirm that much ever... She said when people with ADD have a new toy (ie me) they do tend to hyper focus on it. So in other words the newness has worn off and now I am just a dusty ole toy that can be donated to Good Will. How does one deal with a marriage like that? How should I take that kind of news? That I will never have the man I fell in love with back? I guess I could find a new man in him (not outside the marriage) and try to love what I got as much as I loved that man that I sent to Iraq and he never came back. I mean people who have husbands that have severe PTSD, amnesia, TBI and other things like that have to deal with this... Why is it such a blow to me?

On top of that God trusts me enough to deal with that but also James and Alex. God doesn't give more than you can handle but this is one plate brimming with blessings I can use a lighter load lol.  

                   
                                                                                                                                                                     



      


    





My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~~~ Maya Angelou