Humpty Dumpty

I sit on the floor trying to put the pieces of me back together but they have been destroyed and have been blown to dust. How am I supposed to pick myself up if I can’t put myself together.

Are you a Support System?

During this bout of depression, Ive learned the meaning of support system. Michelle and Rick have helped me through the hardest. My younger kids constantly give me strength they are the oxygen in my blood.
If you know someone with depression. The person is going to constantly be tired. Constantly! Don’t let them stay in bed all day that’s just a terrible cycle to be in. Give them something to look forward to, drag them out even if it’s being lazy and sitting around talking, or leaving the house, give them an errand or chore. Remind them that you depend on them. Someone with depression could have a lack of appetite. Make the person food anyway. The person may stand you up (yes it’s a pet peeve of mine) or cancel plans to sit at home and watch Netflix. Take them out anyways. One on one attention without interruptions can be just what they need. Treat them to something special it lets them know that you’re thinking of them and they are special. If you are being silly and they don’t laugh, crack the joke anyways. Laughter is the best medicine. They might cry at the drop of a hat, a hug and acting like it’s not a big deal orvthey aren’t being dramatic. It lets them know you validate their feelings and you’re listening. Depression is physically painful. They might still be happy or sad at the same time. That’s perfectly okay and really not crazy at all. They need constant reassurance, don’t act like it’s a chore for you. Tell them they are beautiful inside and out. They aren’t doubting you or questioning your love, they are doubting themselves. Reassure them you want them around no matter what and you aren’t going to leave, without them asking. Depression comes with anxiety. It comes with no sleep or too much sleep. It comes with not eating or eating their feelings. It comes with the illusion of standing in a room of hundreds and feeling lonely, invisible, and neglected. It doesn’t make sense to you but these are real feelings to them. Depression lies but those whom are depressed believe the lies. It’s impossible to understand so imagine how it feels even if you don’t understand. A constant internal exhausting battle. Even if you don’t know how to be a support system or how to reassure them. They chose you to be in their life despite the depression so try your best at how to give them what they need and deserve. A thoughtful small gesture can go a long way and grand gesture can be save a life. Be that support system. Be their strength. They will slowly lean on you and relieve them of the weight they carry. Love hard and give reassurance. Never give up on them. . Don’t forget if you aren’t willing to stand in the rain with a person then they won’t want you to be beside them in the sunshine.

Alice is wreaking havoc

Eat me, drink me

What does it seem these bottles never run out?

Eat me, drink me

I’m haunted by these words on the labels

Eat me, drink me

Constantly flashing before my mind

Eat me, drink me

I’m so full it makes me sick

Eat me, drink me

How do I stop?

Eat me, drink me

The rabbit hole doesn’t seem

to have an in or an out

A constant state of being

Eat me, drink me

Dear Alice what will you do?

Eat me, drink me

Hamsters

Are what we call my thoughts. Mostly the bad ones. Mostly when my thoughts eat at me. Negative thoughts, bad memories, PTSD, or insecurities.  What sucks is I usually can use music to drown out the depression and demons but it just seems to make the hamsters louder.

A keeper for life

There is a period in dating especially online or long distance relationships where people aren’t 100% true to themselves. Then once they are comfortable with that person they start to show little by little their true selves. Studies show after a year the Honeymoon period ends and people get bored. In the beginning people will do almost anything for the one they lust for. Once they feel they’ve achieved success they start to get lazy. Sometimes once a partner stops investing in their relationship the other one might also stop. Things start to get messy. It can even happen in friendships. Make sure to not get so comfortable you think they won’t leave.

Grief part 2

I don’t remember talking about my “first life” as a child. My biological parents and guardians didn’t set a very high bar for parenting or relationships. My life started out rough with me facing many operations to repair birth defects. By the time I was a year old my parents were divorced and lived on opposite coasts. My father was a serial cheater, he probably had undiagnosed mental illnesses. I know he exhibited paranoia, mania, depressive type behaviors from the age of 17. He developed a addiction to alcoholism and probably some drug use. He was married four or five times. He had several children (there are five of us) whom he abandoned and abused. My mother probably also had mental issues and addictions. At the age of 10 I became a ward of the state and was raised by family friends. My “foster” dad was also an abusive alcoholic and my “foster” mom had her own issues.... don’t we all? They pretty much started cutting the relationship out once I was 18. My foster dad died in 2001 due to complications from lung cancer. July 2017 my biological father passed away suddenly but we had been estranged for almost two decades. Despite my history and problems with my biological mom I worked very hard on forgiveness. My daughter adored her I thought. For the past two to four years her health started to be in decline. She also developed dementia. My mom passed away late September of this year.

I have had an extremely trying year that at times I didn’t know if I was okay. My sister (oldest) took my fathers death the hardest. Of course she was primarily raised there. So it was understandable.  I can’t say his passing was difficult for me but compounded with the rest of the bad things this year brought into my life, it was far from easy. The gift it brought me was being reunited with my Uncle. 

I happened to visit my mom this past August and I sensed things weren’t going to go well. If she was aware of her condition she hid it well. My mother is highly stubborn, loud, obnoxious, and strong. She was to the point she was covered in sores and not able to hold herself up. That’s not what she wanted for herself.

I’ve been in a deep depression and trying to make sense of grief I’m so used to. I know that mom was ready to go. I know she’s in a better place. I know all these things. My sister was emotional saying she would think mom would call one more time. My mom called me 2 or 3 times in the last eight years. I didn’t get that from mom. I didn’t have a close relationship with her necessarily. She was never around for many operations, my children’s births, my graduation, & my weddings. But I’ve really just wanted a hug. I really wished I had a video or voicemail to just be able to keep her voice. I feel some kinda way and it’s like missing her. I think it’s a lot to do with the void that she’s just not here anymore. 

I was watching Chicago Fire last week and a characters father died. Like me he was trying to deal with it, it’s confusing due to the fact he didn’t have a good relationship with his father. There was an explanation... a parent that is absentee there is nothing to bond to but a parent that was more there but not a good one there is the lack of memories and things to carry you through. Nothing to attach too. So I’ve dealt with all kinds of grief. My first husband died, my grandparents, my guardian, my parents, a child... I’ve dealt with it all. Yet some how I’m still trying to process this one. 

I’ve been through the challenges of forgiving my parents and at least trying to have some type of relationship. It’s been a journey and an experience.

Daily post

• Jeanette started restoring her vanity my mom left her. 
• I got my teeth cleaned and my blood pressure is very high
• I need to write more
• Helping others brings me happiness
• I hope everyone enjoys their holiday this week.

High: watching Jeanette enthusiastic about her vanity. I had a good time playing the MMO with Bobbie and Brandon last night

Low: my health

Gratitude: the ability and passion to help others 

Daily post 11/17

I missed yesterday I was exhausted.

• William had a try at his first sleepover. It was a boy he plays with in the neighborhood. He’s an adorably sweet and polite kid. He’s a year younger. He went over at 5ish after asking me every few minutes was it time yet. 😆 Rick thought it was a good idea to give him melatonin. The boys mom took the kids to McDonalds and back home. Will was passed out by 6:30. Just as I was celebrating my first kid free night at home in 12 years, I got a text from Will asking me to come get him. I picked him up and he was holding back tears and was so scared. Then promptly stayed up till 5:30 in the morning 😩. Took a nap? Until 10ish then we had to get ready for his good friends birthday party. It was our first time at Stars and Strikes and it’s a pretty nifty place. He enjoyed himself.
• We’ve been trying to decide what our thanksgiving plans are
• I would like to finalize Christmas lists as well
• My mood was overall good today and by the time we were on our way home from the party I was drained and struggling with emotions.
• I feel good about myself helping others. It’s definitely a mood lifter.

High: the party

Low: William getting frustrated and me being low

Gratitude: to be able to help others and someone that supports me in that.

New post 11/15

• Stephanie and I had a good hour of hanging out shopping. I only spent $4. Yay me!
• Greys night
• My kitten had a patch of hair come off his head and has a wound 😔
• I saw flurries today
• I’m always searching for a brighter star.

High: high was talking to Williams therapist. Realizing we haven’t had a meltdown in two months

Low: I’m exhausted. I’m still depressed

Realizing Thanksgiving is in a week eek!

Gratitude: hour long nap and Stephanie calling to get me out of the house.

Livin la vida loca

Livin la vida loca came on the radio today.... twice.... actually back to back.
I couldn’t help but think if I could be carefree again at least in some aspects. If I could go outside with my love and dance in the rain, pullover on the side of the road, get lost on purpose...
If only I could live life honestly to the fullest, embracing this crazy life, not being weighed down with depression and the weight of the world. I know ultimately I’m responsible for my own happiness. I however don’t believe I can choose to just not have depression or just choose to be happy. He’s in control and I’m in control of myself, I know.
If I could occasionally be carefree again I imagine the happiness I could bring other people. I would if I could take away their dark cloud and make them forget their troubles. I really wish I could.
If I could be wild again and more spontaneous...
The what if’s 😔

Whiskers on Wednesday

What did Peeta get into? It’s like Deja Vu when Peanut stuck his head in a Scentsy 

Daily entry 11-14

• I didn’t get much sleep last night and normally I’m very tired with 8 hours sleep. So I was plain pooped today.
• I did get an one hour nap
• On my way to car line there was a bad accident blocking the road to the school. Please pray for the people involved.
• Two police played chicken with me (on the way to the accident, I was headed away from the accident) not good for someone with so little sleep
• My kitten dunked his head in a Scentsy I think. How do I know this? Another cat has done the same thing. *face palm*

High for the day the glorious nap and a kind husband

Low for the day : I don’t laugh like I used to, I feel like such a party pooper. I’m depressed and it shows.

Gratitude for the day: kind husband 

Love

How would you define love? Being in love? Falling in love? 

One day during a sermon I was attending the pastor explained the definition of love is stated in the Bible. I think it could apply to those who are agnostic or atheist too. He had further explanation that I can’t remember how he worded it. (Haha)

I think love is overused but at the same time we don’t love each other enough or actively show our love. You can love an animal, a family member, a friend, or a total stranger. The Old Testament talks about an angry and vengeful G-d.  In the New Testament after Noah and the ark and Jesus was crucified for our sins he became more of a “free-range” parent granting us free will and hope. That’s why we no longer have floods, or locusts, or raining frogs etc. If you are a believer I think the message from the Bible and the message Jesus spread was loving others like he loved them. “Love Thy Brother.” Don’t be like Kane *wink*. God loves unconditionally and he forgives as we should strive for. We are supposed to love our parents, right? I cherish (which means love) my closest friends like family- or in my case better than family. They are my family I was able to choose. I tell them I love them. Some I’ve known most of my adult life and they’ve earned that. Some I’ve had to work to forgive for some things but I’ve never stopped caring and loving them. Some of us have pets that are like our children. Some of are caregivers to all animals. So there are different types of love.

How will I know? 

Falling in love.

   I would define falling in love as the act of the early stages leading to being in love. You’re not quite in love yet. You are still feeling it out. Usually this phase moves pretty fast. That’s when lust or like become love within a romantic context. I don’t define it as being in love but the act of getting there. It could be the person is beginning to love another.

Urban dictionary’s definition is here

The difference between falling in love and being in love here

Psychology today says:

Let me define falling in love as well as I can, so we know what we are talking about. One person finds himself/herself excited and preoccupied with someone else and desirous of touching that person and being with that person as much as possible. That strong physical attraction usually includes sexual feeling

This kiss

The way you love me

How I would define being in love is similar to falling in love but there isn’t anymore doubt or wondering anymore you know this person is the center of your thoughts. You dedicate yourself to this person. You think of this person through out the day. You’re selfless for this person. You desire to be near this person. Then all of the things described in the definition of love are present as well as possibly lust.

Urban dictionary definition is here

The free dictionary definition here

Comment with your definitions or love stories...

If It’s Not Like The Movies

Ever the Same https://youtu.be/Q2bjkEPL-9g

Daily Entry

Maybe I could try to basically make a bullet journal of my day. I can list my highs and lows, my gratitude, and any events or pictures from my day?

• I spent some of my day relaxing playing Sims.
• I had set a goal for myself to start cleaning around my desk where a lot of my doll stuff accumulated. So most of the day I did that and laundry
• I had to organize the doll stuff. I try to be on the ball with the stuff I keep a database and everything is kept very organized
• I started reading a new fiction book in car line waiting on my youngest.
• I’m continuing to track my food intake I haven’t been so dillegent taking my blood pressure.

My high today is accomplishing my goal in cleaning

My low today is not getting laundry caught up and forgetting about my blood pressure.

My gratitude for the day is my daughter. I cannot brag enough about how much I love her, how proud I am of her. I wouldn’t ask for anything more ❤️

Tempt my Tummy Tuesday

A few weeks ago I went to see two of my best friends both had birthdays in October and I showed up. For my “Sister Wife” Michelle I made her a S’more Bunt cake. So Michelle and I have this inside thing since we’ve become friends I always give her s’mores for her birthday. She doesn’t like traditional birthday cake and I passed a picture of a S’more cake on Facebook and looked up the recipe. Honestly my daughter ended up baking most of it. Anyways it turned out beautiful.

So I’ve always been plagued by very low blood pressure when I was pregnant I’d pass out a lot because it was 80/50. Now I weigh almost 50 more pounds and the nurse practitioner says it’s too high. So I have to cut back on sodium since there is no sign of getting rid of my stressors heh. This is new to me so I downloaded an app to track my intake and I bought a blood pressure cuff to test my blood pressure- when I don’t forget ugh... anyways any tips to share? I need some fries ya’ll. Lol

Hamsters

At times I’m stuck in my own head. My best friend calls these hamsters. Since going through this depression I’ve dealt with heavy self doubt, internal conflict, and low self esteem. When I had to end a friendship with someone whom I’ve been friends with 24 years that he said he’d love me unconditionally. We are family. I never thought there would be a day he’s not by my side but I reached that time. So if that is not what I thought it’s hard for me to trust anything else. I don’t even trust my judgement. He even told me a few years ago he didn’t think I had very good judgment about certain things. I guess that’s a nagging thought in my head. There was a debate between a few people if you would want to know where you stand with people. There are times I wish I did. I could see how that could go wrong. Then there are times I wish I knew someone’s internal dialog. I wish I could still openly trust people without question. I wish I could FEEL unconditional love and know it’s true. Maybe after the years of my childhood being bullied I’m naturally guarded but I wonder if people talk behind my back. It makes me uncomfortable. I hate to sound crazy maybe sometimes I feel that they’ve not included me in some way that I should be included in. I wonder if people ever defend me when I’m not around I had a friend years ago, I’d always come to her defense but she did anything but behind my back. I asked my teen daughter if her friends liked me and she said yes except once someone said something bad about me and she said she defended her and really wanted to punch them in the throat. This touched me  so much. I wonder who listens or starts gossip about me and who defends me because I want those people to be my people. I wonder how I exist in other people’s lives. How many times do I cross your mind? Do I make you smile? Make you sad or angry? Do you share a memory of me with someone like you share memories of other people with me? I wonder if I still exist in people’s minds that I’m not in their lives anymore? Do you hear a song and think of me? Touch an object and think of me? See my face in a crowd? Wonder what I’ve been up to? Pray for me? Especially with a small group of people including Mackenzie. Does he miss me? Is he angry? Perhaps with the depression I struggle to see my importance in your life so I wonder how I exist in it.

Trauma

I’ve learned a lot about PTSD through my life as an Army wife. I’ve learned my own PTSD. This year I think I have new triggers if that’s possible? Completely unrelated to my previous issues with PTSD. This one is a lot more of an every day battle than my other. It’s a constant battle of avoiding triggers, dealing with night terrors, insomnia, sadness, grief, and loneliness. It’s lonely because most of it no one knows about. I just dig my heels in and take the waves of indescribable pain. I can take the pain but the energy it takes to pick myself up when I know the triggers are almost unavoidable and there is no one that can understand why... that’s just exhausting and leaves me a empty.

Grief

Some people think of grief as a loss due to death of a loved one. Which I’ve experienced two fold recently.

I believe you can grieve the loss of an opportunity, a friendship, a job, a relationship, empty nest, pregnancy, divorce, and or loss of trust.

Where there is love there is grief.

A lot of these things I’ve experienced just the past 18 months. 

I lost my first husband at the young age of 23, suddenly. With that I learned how quickly outside judgement comes with grief. I learned to grieve on my own. I learned it’s on my timeline that someone else may grieve the same person or experience but it can be vastly different for different people. Some may look like everything is back to the way it was some may take longer- even a lifetime. There is no right or wrong to when you get to move on. Whether that be a new job, a new relationship, etc. 

Grief can be compounded by other deaths you’ve dealt with or other experiences that you endured and then you let yourself reopen your heart to be loved again just to feel like a failure or you’ve been let down. One may not look or feel or end the same. You may not know how to feel, how to act, or what the next step is. Most importantly you can’t help how you feel. Just remember it’s what we do as humans mourn, hurt, break, rebuild, and do it all over again. 

Communication

“The foundation to any relationship: Child/parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, and friendship, is communication. Without communication trust nor a bond can be created. It’s the most simplest form of nurturing.” -Dayna Loranger

   Watching Greys Anatomy last night, Maggie and Jackson have to figure out their love language. They communicate in different ways, and they need to find a mix or happy medium that works for them. First, he bailed on Maggie without a word and barely kept in touch while he was gone, but then she finds out he's talking to other women, and he turns it on her and says that it's because she doesn’t communicate with him.

Jackson: When is the last time you let me in at all. About anything. 

Maggie: So you went and got it from someone else. 

Jackson: Maggie, yeah. I find it easier to open up with people who open up with me.

You run every time it gets complicated, Maggie. You hide.

Over the years I’ve heard all the excuses... a friend says..”...you have enough I don’t want to burden you with my issues.” My reply, “You are my best friend not a burden on me.” 

Then I have a friend that finds me too emotionally charged. So if I’m emotional she shuts herself off. Does that seem like a place where I can truly be myself? 

Ok so I know the whole men are from Mars thing... I know men struggle with communication in general. Especially if they are on the spectrum. Spectrum or not someone won’t open up to you if you are not open yourself, if you shut them down when they are most vulnerable, if they express concern and it turns into a fight. Sometimes people need to take criticism. It’s healthy and it’s communication. Sorry to disrupt your fantasy with my reality! 

I sit and think for hours how lonely and empty I am. Loneliness doesn’t come from not having people around you but inability to communicate the things that seem important to oneself and receive compassion, understanding, to be validated and not dismissed, and a good and willing listener. 

“You and your feelings thoughts securities are just as important as the other persons! “ - Michelle Jorden

Greys anatomy credit to TVfanatic.com

A Year Full of Challenges.

This time last year I found the perfect job (except the pay), I was looking forward to what the new year brought with it. I was most excited about starting a new chapter in my life (or as my life tends to be not chapters but volumes), I had waited for 2018 to come when I never thought it would. I made it 15 years without my first born and this was the year we could be reunited. 

2018 didn’t have a very good lift off at all. As the ONE employee where I worked I got laid off. My nephew came to live with us. We struggled bad. However I felt like I was doing my job as an aunt and he had a promising future here. That all fell apart. The whole family was very hurt and disappointed. 

I had enough to deal with my fathers death and getting laid off unexpectedly. 

Soon after I experienced one of the worst betrayals and heartbreaks I’ve ever experienced. I struggled to merely get on my knees much less clean myself off. 

Getting rehired then fired 😭

No time to recover myself even through my seasonal depression around my birthday. I started looking up as my oldest child’s birthday was coming. The day I literally counted on for 15 years. I could go to Savannah and find him.... instead I left Savannah yet again disappointed and confused. Unsure what to believe or what to do next. 

My first love, one of my closest friends who had become like family lied to me and his wife got petty so we haven’t talked after being friends since we were 15 years old. 

Then I’ve been through some serious health problems. 

My Honda was hit from behind and totaled and my van has almost had an issue weekly. 

Then my mother died and my best friend is seriously ill. 

I haven’t had a moment to think much less heal. I’ve taken some things harder than I thought. There are times I’ve barely made it to see the sunrise.

Affirmation

I have found lately my need, my love language is affirmation. I thought maybe it was a matter of circumstance to that person or a side effect of depression. The lack of affirmation and actions of an individual that isn’t affirming has been really holding me down. It can be something they don’t think is important but I find it important and even heartbreaking that they not only neglect my need of affirmation but they’ve neglected doing or saying whatever it is that bothers me. It actually eats at me. 

Even surface affirmation. I love you, I want to spend time with you, I wanted to see you. All these phrases seem very insincere. I accept they affirmation but my brain can process it as why do they love me, why do they want to spend time with me. Why are they with me? To anything on the spectrum of accusatory mistrust. 

I have been asked how or what can a person do to give affirmation and I have had a hard time with that question as well. I’m not sure how to answer it other then tell me why you love me, tell me what you saw/see in me. Why do you want to see me or spend time with me? I need more details about what a person feels I bring to the table. It’s not that I’m completely clueless of my worth. Sure I’m human I have some insecurities and self doubt. I don’t think that my love language is totally connected to that though. I think a part of affirmation is being sincere and thoughtful and NOT being coached on what I need to hear. Because then it’s as shallow as anything else. 

Is it possible though to have a successful relationship with someone who doesn’t fill your cup?