Unpopular Opinion: My favorite episode of Grey’s Anatomy is the one where Derek dies — or maybe the one after. That was ten years ago, and I still go back and watch it sometimes as a reminder of why we experience pain and grief.
Right now, as I’m grieving (people are sick and fucking tired of it, I know — but no one is more than I am), I went back and watched it in full this morning. When Meredith is at the hospital, she calmly says out loud, softly, that Derek died. I said it like that, too.
I even had to ask Rick what happened later. The shock was real. One of Brandon’s favorite shows was Lucifer, and Detective Daniel from Lucifer was Officer Dan in that episode of Grey’s. He wasn’t in Lucifer until a year later, so I wouldn’t have known who he was at all back then.
Brandon and I used to call our spot “our bubble,” and in the episode, Bailey and Ben are fighting about life support — and they used the same phrase. Then there was the scene when Meredith hemorrhaged. Whew. Our Bubble didn't exist ten years ago. Ten years ago we were still people from each others past ... catching up...
My favorite episode of my favorite show — one that’s ten years old — means even more to me now than it did then. There are signs, right? #greysanatomy
And I will straight up leave your shit" (My Way, Limp Bizkit)
I can’t go do my self-care. I had to stop working full-time to support myself, and I have to basically be available at all times even though my daughter is a junior in high school in one of the “best schools in the state of Alabama” (Niche, 2025). Madison City Schools District Rankings. https://www.niche.com/k12/d/madison-city-schools-al-madison-al/
If you are the best school district, then how come my 16-year-old isn’t academically equal to her classmates when she has no major learning deficits? She can be with her classmates, but because of the neglect of the school system, she is unable to be in mainstream classes. Because of the “best school system in the state,” she was systematically bullied by administrators. She is continually left behind because she doesn’t require as much as some other students. She’s not overly disruptive, so therefore she’s expected to just be successful—even though, over the last 13 years, she has not had any kind of consistency within the school district.
Even when she was in elementary school, making sure the school did its job was a full-time job for me. During many meetings and times where I had to deal with administrators, they talked down to me, acted like their time was more important than mine, ambushed me, called Child Protective Services on me, and accused us of having a bad home life when Brooke was having issues in elementary school.
Administrators called my child a “brat” during an IEP meeting while playing Candy Crush—not exaggerating. They have questioned my parenting and pressured me to put Brooke through a drastic medical situation that they wanted. They wanted her medicated even after she had a bad reaction to her medication. Frankly, it’s none of their business how I manage my home. As long as she shows up for school, they need to worry about doing their own jobs.
I’ve had to pay someone a lot of money just to make sure they did their job. Now that our advocate is retired, they wasted no time ambushing me and taking advantage of the fact that we are without impartial representation. They’ll stick to the IEP for a month or two, and then the school administrators—or “school system gods”—decide that it’s no longer in her best interest.
I already carry enough mom guilt over the three kids who attended this school district and where they are in life because of the failures of this system. I’ve lived in survival mode and fought my own personal battles, and the last thing I should have to do is make sure grown, educated adults—who get paid more than me and are more educated than me—are doing their jobs appropriately.
I shouldn’t have to explain to a 40-year-old adult what a urinary tract infection is in this environment either. An SRO shouldn’t be called on a special needs student for going to the bathroom.
Once my kid can be legally left home alone (honestly, she’s practically able to get emancipated), I should be able to hold down a full-time job of my choosing. Instead, I sit here for hours trying to defuse situations at the high school because they won’t follow the IEP.
Don’t look down at me. Don’t laugh at me. Don’t talk down to me. Don’t fight with me about your mess-up when it’s YOUR job, not mine.
"'Cause I've had enough of this
And now I'm pissed, yeah
This time I'ma let it all come out
This time I'ma stand up and shout
I'ma do things my way, it's my way
My way or the highway
This time I'ma let it all come out
This time I'ma stand up and shout
I'ma do things my way, it's my way
My way or the highway"
So I am mama bear, and I will do what's best for my daughter's safety and education. Don't underestimate me.
To certain people in my personal life:
"Just one more fight about a lot of things
And I will give up everything
To be on my own again
Free again, yeah
This time I'ma let it all come out
This time I'ma stand up and shout
I'ma do things my way, it's my way
My way or the highway
This time I'ma let it all come out
This time I'ma stand up and shout
I'ma do things my way, it's my way
My way or the highway
Someday you'll see things my way
'Cause you never know, no, you never know
When you're gonna go
Someday you'll see things my way
'Cause you never know, no, you never know
When you're gonna go"
Now that my children are grown—or nearly grown—and I’ve been through enough struggles, I’m done neglecting myself. I’ve done my part in raising my kids, his kids, and even others. But now, my body, my mind, and my soul need to come first for a while. I’ve been selfless and forgiving to the point that I have nothing left but my own survival. Most days, I’m barely hanging on. It’s time for me to finally give back to the one person who has always put everyone else first—me.
Fourth Wing--So we are in Zoom talking about the Fourth Wing.. Now I am not a GOT fan so am I going to like Fourth Wing if I am not big into GOT? (different authors i Know but similar content maybe?)
I am angry.
Angry at how the world seems to hand out chances unevenly. My father lived most of a full life, deep in his addiction, hurting everyone in his path. He abandoned his children, broke hearts, destroyed trust — and yet, somehow, he kept living. He got to grow old. He got five marriages. Five children he walked away from. And still, the world kept giving him more time.
But Brandon didn’t get that time. He barely reached forty. He didn’t overcome his addiction either, but his addiction wasn’t born out of cruelty — it was born out of pain. It was inherited, in part, from people like my father. It came from wounds that weren’t entirely his fault. And still, life took him.
I can’t stop thinking about the contrast: the man who wasted every chance lived, while the one who still had something good left to give — to his kids, to me — was taken. My future with him was stolen. His children lost their father. And I’m left trying to make sense of how the universe could allow that imbalance.
I’m angry at my father’s survival. Angry at genetics. Angry at addiction. Angry at how unfair it is that Brandon carried pain that wasn’t his to carry. I hate that he had to fight a battle that ran through generations — and still lost it.
I don’t want to understand it yet. I just want to scream at the unfairness of it all. Because it isn’t fair.
Because I loved him.
Because he deserved more than what he got.
