The Unfairness Between Two Lives

I am angry.
Angry at how the world seems to hand out chances unevenly. My father lived most of a full life, deep in his addiction, hurting everyone in his path. He abandoned his children, broke hearts, destroyed trust — and yet, somehow, he kept living. He got to grow old. He got five marriages. Five children he walked away from. And still, the world kept giving him more time.

But Brandon didn’t get that time. He barely reached forty. He didn’t overcome his addiction either, but his addiction wasn’t born out of cruelty — it was born out of pain. It was inherited, in part, from people like my father. It came from wounds that weren’t entirely his fault. And still, life took him.

I can’t stop thinking about the contrast: the man who wasted every chance lived, while the one who still had something good left to give — to his kids, to me — was taken. My future with him was stolen. His children lost their father. And I’m left trying to make sense of how the universe could allow that imbalance.

I’m angry at my father’s survival. Angry at genetics. Angry at addiction. Angry at how unfair it is that Brandon carried pain that wasn’t his to carry. I hate that he had to fight a battle that ran through generations — and still lost it.

I don’t want to understand it yet. I just want to scream at the unfairness of it all. Because it isn’t fair.
Because I loved him.
Because he deserved more than what he got.

Ostracized

I was a ward of the state at the age of 10. I lived with family friends and eventually called them mom and dad. Yet I was referred to as that girl we have custody of. My guardians daughter in law often received gifts for a daughter. I often talked about my guardians adopting me but they never did. At 18 I very much became the black sheep and started to be uninvited to holidays etc.
With my biological family my step grandmother often bought my cousins nice things for Christmas but not my sisters and I. Matter of fact she complained whenever my grandfather wanted to spend money on me.
From the moment I met the mother of my first husband I think she hated me. I’ve said she’s hated me since the moment we shared oxygen. I think it’s safe to say that regardless of the strife within my husband- Adams family that they were close. When we were making the transition from friends/roommates to being in a relationship. He introduced me to his mother, stepfather, sister, and step brother Matthew. I asked permission to call my “Mom” who was really the woman who raised me. My future mother in law thought that was so rude and told everyone so. We left and went home. The next day I think Debbie (his mother) called him accusing me stealing jewelry out of her room apparently I confided in his sister (who was a stranger) that I did it and pawned the jewelry. Adam defended me (that time) and knew I didn’t because I was with him the whole time, I never went to her bedroom (I called mom from the kitchen). Nonetheless I didn’t even have an ID to pawn anything. The hate continued with the family members and Adam wouldn’t defend me if it meant staying on their good side or getting money. There were several incidents and lies. I was even accused of trying to kidnap my own child and brain washing him yet it was her that filed for adoption before Adams body was cold and I hadn’t been notified for weeks he was dead. So by that point Mackenzie was untouchable.  To say certain family members of that family ostracized me is an understatement. I was uninvited to my own baby shower then at last minute she hosted one but too late to invite my friends and family. She took my wedding dress but decided she wouldn’t make HER baby’s christening gown out of that whores dress. Then again at the last minute pushed for us to have the christening away from my family and our friends. Even Adams life long best friend.

In my current marriage- and this may ruffle feathers but it’s my blog. When I first married Rick his family was very nice even though I hadn’t met them. As the years go on they don’t ackowledge our kids on holidays or birthdays or whenever.... except ONE aunt and cousin. Even my stepson seems ungrateful.
This past Christmas I saw a message in a Facebook group asking where to find help giving Christmas for her teen daughter. I know Toys for Tots doesn’t give donations for teens. As a past lesson from my first life where I depended on donations at times so I teach my kids to give. They enjoy it. So this particular girl is jeanette’s age. So we bought almost everything this teen asked for. Then Christmas Eve I was spending Christmas with my out of town guests and we were having Christmas dinner and opening presents which they were grateful for... I got another message someone else needed a gift for their child. I just happen to have duplicates of one of Jeanette’s gifts so I rushed home to find it. Both mothers were full of Thank you’s and hugs- complete strangers to me. My stepson got married April of 2017 so I thought it would be nice if I sent a gift for him and his new bride. It was a thoughtful gift that Rick, myself, and Jeanette decided on. Yet we haven’t even gotten confirmation that he got it much less appreciation for the thought. My best friends children are always extremely grateful for visits and presents. These strangers were appreciative. Yet I’ve heard nothing from my “son?”
Knowing how it feels to be the black sheep. Knowing that my kids don’t have realitives that acknowledge them hardly if at all and seeing people talk about how their own child isn’t given a gift for holidays yet their other child is... just astounds me! You can think what you want of an adult but why make their children pay the debt?
As I said I sat with my dear friends on Christmas Eve and they opened up gifts I think from their great aunt? Probably their uncle as well and I did sit there in think of this is what society would call a blended family how would the relatives treat the blended children and better yet what do the adults do about it? How would you react? How would they react? How should they react? I couldn’t help amongst the joy a dark shroud of that dark place I’ve faced most of my life of not being included in some way shape or form and how that feels to a child? A family is a family whether by blood or love the way God designs it. Would you ask that all your children be included (blood/bonus/love) or no ones included why or why not?
I think I have a hard time with the concept of feeling like the one person...

Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time¹

^{You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point?} 

I'll wait, I'll wait

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Little do you know

I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

Little do you know

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies ¹

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait

I love you like I've never felt the pain,

Just wait

I love you like I've never been afraid,

Just wait

Our love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait (I'll wait)

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies

---

1 FOOTNOTE^{↩ Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra} 

 

Feeling the pain. Running from the pain

I have been through a lot. More than you the reader could know or that I let spill out. I say I am an open book but there is a need to keep some pain private...

I guess no one's book is truly open.

Funny thing is this week I have a lot of confrontation with the pain...

I am sure you've heard that Grey's Anatomy is the hot topic for the last few weeks. I have barely missed an episode in 11 seasons... I think in total less than 5. The show can get me wound up but I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as the last episode... Don't worry no spoilers here...

but a quote does stand out....

Owen to Amelia..
All the stuff you're managing your not supposed to be managing it.
Your Supposed to be feeling it grief loss pain it is normal.

instead of moving through the pain you're running from it.
instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.

We are supposed to feel... love, hate, hurt, grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human.
That's being alive
That's the point...

and I watched the Lifetime movie about the Cleveland Abduction so I decided to also read one of the survivors books.. I will get to the other books soon. There are a lot of parallels in my life with Michelle Knight. I don't want to pretend I had even endured the same kind of pain she endured before she was kidnapped or that of while she was held by Ariel Castro. But there is a lot of parallel... many more quotes stood out to me...

Here is one...In order to get past something terrible you have to walk through the pain not around it. It might be messy, it might make you sob but if you let yourself cry long enough you reach the bottom of your tears. I haven't reached the bottom yet, but I know someday I will. ~ Michelle Knight.

Years ago I used to run... I ran a lot. If I felt like things were caving in, or I was beginning to slip, or a person was getting ready to leave like the others I ran. When I decided I wasn't going to put Skylar up for adoption. When Adam had told me not to... I made a promise to her that she would always be able to depend on ONLY me... That I would take care of her... that I wouldn't run... I haven't ran since... I still have the fight or flight thing and the instinct is there to run... run fast as hell for the hills... save yourself from the pain but I fight it and stuff it down. I try to fix the problem that is making me run and if I can't fix it I let God deal with it. When you fight.... even when you slip, fall, or get destroyed it just makes you stronger and faithful... If you run your problems just grow and will end up destroying you anyways. At least feeling pain is being alive... covering the pain is the easy way out. 

Dear Jack,

Dear "Jack",

15 years ago I was getting ready to marry you, yet I didn't know my own identity yet. 12 years ago I was a lost girl. 12 years ago today I didn't know it yet but my whole world flipped upside and would send me into a tail spin. 12 years ago you passed away in the middle of the night from what they said was a seizure. You never really had your Epilepsy treated or took your medication as directed. Your friends said my actions were the cause of the stress on you which lead to the seizures even though you had them since you were 16 when you drove your bicycle into an oncoming car. 12 years ago you left a scared 3 year old boy alone. When I received the subpoena that you had died and that your mother would take Mackenzie from me. I felt the world had really beaten me down and I had no one to help me up, dust me off, or push me forward. I had one personal had Skylar. She was so little she couldn't even talk or give me a kiss. She was just a few months old. In the years that followed I knew I couldn't let the children down. I couldn't let the world keep me down. I couldn't let it keep beating on me. I had to stand up and be tall. I eventually rose from the ashes and became the strong person I am today. 

One one of our first dances we danced to My Heart Will Go On. We saw Titanic at least 12 times in the theater and danced in the aisles of the theater because we were virtually alone or at least it just felt like it to a naive 18 year old girl.  When we got married I told my mother I wanted the song played during the beginning of the wedding or at LEAST compromise and be our first dance. She said it was morbid. My friend Megan sang From This Moment On by Shania Twain while I walked down the aisle and our first dance as a married couple was My Heart Will Go On. Ironic isn't it? That was probably one of our last dances as well. 

I hope I can remember enough of the memories we made and enough of the memories of you to share with Mackenzie and Skylar as they grow older and ask questions about you. Eventually I hope to be reunited with Mackenzie and I will give him the art work you left me and memories that are only stored in my head, my heart, my soul. I need to do a better job of journaling them for the kids. Not here it feels to private to share here on this blog. I am surprised I am being compelled to blog this now but in a private journal just meant for them.

Two very special people in your family followed you to Heaven. I read about your dad passing away 9 years almost to the day you did. You know he meant the world to me even if he hurt me in the end. I am sure your Maw-maw also found peace. I hope they are watching over and protecting Mackenzie for me. 

Love,

"Rose"

9 years ago

9 years ago there was this guy stationed in Korea. Trying to keep his head on straight, bored, and trying to stay out of trouble... So he started reading this girls blog on Yahoo 360. She blogged about her crazy life.. the highs the lows and her relationship. Occasionally he would message me some advice or a comment (never posting for public)... who knew how things would turn out... 9 years ago we certainly didn't have a clue the world would bring us together

Uncle Buck and Uncle Butch

So my goal was to blog about Christmas until Christmas but I missed yesterday. I am sick :(
Today's topic isn't so much about Christmas either but I have stories to share

My grandfather his name is Carlton. He is the most special man I have ever known. He passed away July 22, 2000. He struggled most of his life with cancer at least all of my life. I think its safe to say my Papa Bear (thats our nickname for my Grandfather) was close to his siblings. He owned a farm in Jonesboro up until a few years before his death. On each side of his farm his brothers also owned farms. Uncle Buck was on one side. Growing up if Uncle Buck was up visiting he would tease us granddaughters a lot. He would pull my pony tail and say Boy why do you got a pony tail in your hair.. He was alway teasing. He would be pulling it and say are you a pony? etc. I was 18 and I moved on the farm with my biological mother and Papa Bears bulldog took a liking to me and I would sneak him in mom's house (she lived in the farm between Buck and Papa Bears houses) and he would cuddle and go to sleep on my lap so I would paint his nails. One day Uncle Buck caught me and he would say Boy, you're Papa Bear will tan your hide if he caught you with that dog in the house. That is an outside dog who doesn't need to get spoiled by being in the heated house. Then what will your Papa Bear say when you finds out you painted Pluto's nails? I said he hasn't noticed yet *big grin* I loved my Uncle Buck and Aunt Beverly and all his children my Uncle Mike. Sadly I lost track of them as I became adults. I did hear that Uncle Buck passed a few years ago. I sure do love him and miss him dearly. I would give up this fancy suburbia to take my kids back to that farm as I had it. <3 life.="" p="" s="" that="" the="">

Uncle Butch really isn't my uncle by blood or relation. Uncle Butch is actually my ex boyfriends Uncle. He is one of Skylar's favorite people. My 12 year old daughter. Growing up I dated Donnie for the first 4 years of Skylar's life and Butch was a constant in her life as if he was a grand parent but better even. He loved to spoil her and play with her. He kept in contact even after Donnie and I broke up and so far he is the only person to visit me since I moved from Georgia to Alabama nearly eight years ago. He made sure we were taken care of and honestly for years I struggled to do what was right or whether or not to accept it. It has been a very big moral dilemma for me. Shortly after I saw him last in 2007 he moved up to Pennsylvania to help his ex wife and adopted son. His health began to fail and and as his father before him and as I suspected for awhile he had diabetes and alzheimers just like his father who passed away a few years ago. I will send him a New Years card along with everyone else (because I didn't get Christmas cards done) I hope he is okay healthwise last I heard it wasn't looking good. Shamefully I was thankful he moved up to Pennsylvania to shield Skylar at the time from the tragedy that is Alzheimers. She was too young to see his father deteriorate and I have seen it many times. I can't imagine the heart break of your favorite person forgetting who you are. Now she's old enough to understand but she still has much anxiety and depression over losing him.

Country Christmas

I had a vision for the past few years of getting a pretty country quilt and going out to a piece of land that has the big rolls of hay...and have the backdrop of what is so beautiful around here mountains and our tree's.. The clouds and sky are also unique to me..

In 2011 I was working with an awesome photographer for all our family photos. We had paid and scheduled a country vintage photo shoot.. We had bought our outfits and then a tragedy struck.. our area was hit by a series of tornados that is rare nationwide.. So the photo shoot was off.. Since then I had the idea for the roll of hay but never got the money or area to do it in.. I don't have a DSLR camera myself either.

I was lucky to find William a pair of overalls just like my grandfather would wear. Overalls for my son's size are hard to find apparently. I actually needed them for Johnny Appleseed day and someone on a yard sale page answer my request and they happened to be just like my grandfather used to wear. They were a smaller size so I just prayed they fit. They fit perfect so he wore them for Johnny Appleseed.. I was under even more pressure to get that picture done but its been cold or rainy for the most part. Its been very all over the place impossible to schedule an outdoor appointment.

I figured Skylar already had some country styled dresses I know one I bought for her birthday. I remember that a friend had pictures done JCPenny that had a bit of a country western theme.. So I called JcPenny and they had a bit of country theme but they told me the Christmas tree was up to stay.. I was like shoot. Then I saw groupon so I decided there was no time like the present to jump. I would make do with angling the Christmas tree out since we didn't get Christmas church clothes this year and William's Christmas Pajamas have also not been easy to get my hands on.

I was talking to my cousin and she said she never remembers Papa Bear (my grandfather) out of overalls I vaguely remember one time going to church with Papa Bear and Nanny on Easter Sunday and I don't think he was wearing his signature overalls but perhaps a crisp button down and slacks.

This is the only picture I have of Papa Bear (and my horse Nugget)

We went to get ready and Skylar tells me she outgrew her dress... and two dresses.. I was so frustrated and couldn't find William's button down. William's boots would go on his feet but they were really tight. Skylar also didn't want to wear her boots. I spent 45 minutes getting the kids ready I didn't have time to get myself ready or hair and make up done nothing. I was so frustrated ready to cancel the appointment with Rick being sick anyways. Rick and Skylar still wanted to go so I was like whatever.. It has been years since we've gotten our picture done.  Make do with what we got and how we look.. whatever..

We got our pictures done then walked around the mall. An elderly woman walked up to William she started to get visibly emotional. She told William how adorable he was. She said little boys don't wear overalls anymore but her grandfather always wore overalls every day of his life. He was even buried in them. Rick told her that's the reason why I chose the overalls as well because my grandfather wearing his. Just an interesting encounter. It seemed to move her that William was in them.

Where are you Christmas?

I grew up a ward of the state but the Christmas' I remember were like this Norman Rockwell painting. I would get to see my biological family and spend some of Christmas with them and whatever quarrels would be a truced.. Strangers came to dinner and all were welcome. Many happy memories of Christmas and the traditions.. 

When I married Adam Christmas drastically changed... My guardian told me she didn't really want me there because I was embarrassing to her new son in law who was a California Senator. Then the next Christmas it was her grand daughter Abby had a rash she was afraid was Chicken Pox and didn't want Mackenzie to get it. Even though no males in Adam's family has ever had the Chicken Pox and Mackenzie was still vaccinated. So I was uninvited then there was the drama we had to go to Adam's grand parents house.. really my first holidays away from family (guardian and biological) and my grandfather had passed away. My sisters nor I wouldn't be able to be close to my biological mom on Christmas. The first Christmas away from family was a disaster it was traumatic. 

I quickly learned that not everyone has peaceful Christmas' even when a newborn is there. I learned that Norman Rockwell holiday is just a fantasy ... just a painting. It was hard. It IS hard.

Then Adam took Mackenzie... So my first year without Mackenzie I woke up in a cold sweat screaming. I had a nightmare that Mackenzie woke up and was looking under the tree saying he wanted mommy but I wasn't there. I wasn't under the tree. 

The second Christmas without Mackenzie I called Adam to see if I could give Mackenzie presents. I actually didn't know how to reach Adam I took a chance he would be with HIS family. His mother came on the phone and they both told me what a horrible mother I was and how I abandoned Mackenzie (not true). To mail the gifts... little did I know a month later Adam would be dead. So that was the last conversation I had with my husband and there was words of hate exchanged. Something I have to live with. 

I still really believed in Christmas... I wanted to give Skylar beautiful and magical Christmas' so I worked hard. Even when money was tight I did things beautiful for her. My oldest sister would have wonderful dinner parties for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that was a blessing until the stress and drama just got to me. I had to limit the amount of people I am around ON Christmas. My boyfriend would just wanna play games and not spend time with Skylar and I so I said fine its just me and her.. From that moment on I said I am not going to be stressed on Christmas, I am going to limit myself socially (which is rare), and I am going to make it magical for Skylar (now for William too). 

Since I have married Rick, Huntsville has so many events especially when we were active duty.. Nutcracker Ballet, Galaxy of Lights, Santa's Village.. this that and the other.. It was stressful just trying to see it all. It was stressful setting aside the money for it all.  I don't stress about money because I don't want to give it that type of power.. As long as my kids are provided for and the utility and main bills are paid then I will survive. More and more when I reach my emotional limit I call a time out and I stop. I no longer get upset if we miss something. Its disappointing sure but its not what Christmas is supposed to be about. As the kids get older its hard to find them dress clothes for Christmas and afford them. This year Skylar chose a pair of pajamas we found at the Salvation Army and I was just simply supposed to find the matching pair for William which was on disneystore.com but I waited to long. I am very disappointed that my kids now won't have matching pajamas or church clothes but its not the end of the world... If its not super important to them then it shouldn't be for me. I will have to find some alternative. I have had to put Christmas in perspective not just the commercialism but also what I can emotionally handle.

My Favorite Christmas Cookie

My Favorite Christmas Cookie is probably one you've never heard of its called Krumkake.. Its a norwegian cookie I guess. It looks like an American ice cream cone but its not strong enough to fill with ice cream. I guess people have filled it with whipped topping like a Lady Finger... but the ones I have eaten are barely strong enough to be held.. they seem to crumble so easily. 
They are sweeter and softer than an ice cream cone too! My Guardian used to make them often while growing up and finally in the last few years I finally had gotten an Krumkake iron off of Amazon and learned how to make them myself. Of course I don't think the cookies ever taste the same as the guardian used to make since she probably had an old antique Krumkake iron... 
If you ever want to have a new adventure and try a new treat buy a Krumkake iron! an old post on Krumkake here

Of course I love those Royal Dansk cookies as well. My guardian used to sometimes buy the Pepperidge Farm cookies and share some with me it was like getting a delicacy :) We liked the Milano and the Pirouette

I am not a sugar cookie fan.. I will eat them but not often and I hate to bake them. Mine never turn out well. I leave that up to Rick. A few years ago an Army wife introduced me to Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip cookies. She said her dad used to make them every Thanksgiving and Christmas and when she was on her own she asked her dad.. he said the magic is on the back of the bag of peanut butter chips and she never knew they were that easy.. So James, Skylar, and I got hooked on these cookies as well. 

https://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=5366

The Polar Express

Last night William and Skylar's school had a Polar Express party... Skylar checked out of school yesterday and didn't feel good so she didn't go. We were told to wear our Pajamas and that cookies and Cocoa would be given out (Of COURSE!) William doesn't do movies so well and I won't say he sat through the whole movie but he did STAY through the whole movie. Which is major for us. I am crossing my fingers he can see Star Wars next year.

I have seen Polar Express many times but this time I am much more impressed and it had deeper meaning. Perhaps its because its getting close to time for Skylar to have her own journey on the Polar Express I don't know. I have loved the book the movie is based on all of my life along with Good Night Moon and Where the Wild Things Are... I even cried a few times during the movie... The magic of Christmas has changed for me over the years too.. I have had to adapt to new magic and creating magic for myself. Nothing will ever be like it used to be. I wasn't like Billy (in the movie) but I had what I thought was a Norman Rockwell upbringing. It wasn't picture perfect but even the family feuds were at a cease fire for just the two months, we all got along, wishes were granted, and even strangers came to dinner. So it was very much like a Norman Rockwell upbringing. My first Christmas away from my family was hard enough because my grandfather had just passed so it was my first year not seeing my cousins, grandparents, and my mother.. my mother was alone. I had to spend Christmas with my In Laws far away from my family and it was a disaster constant fighting and arguing... it was night and day compared to my Christmas's where even the Guardian and my birth mom would get along for the better of Christmas spirit. Anyways enough on the negative reflection.. Just thought the movie had a deeper meaning for me... now Rick and I feel like we need to decide between the Polar Express in North Carolina and the Polar Limited/ Chattanooga Choo Choo for next Christmas... Its time for us... its time..