Ostracized

I was a ward of the state at the age of 10. I lived with family friends and eventually called them mom and dad. Yet I was referred to as that girl we have custody of. My guardians daughter in law often received gifts for a daughter. I often talked about my guardians adopting me but they never did. At 18 I very much became the black sheep and started to be uninvited to holidays etc.
With my biological family my step grandmother often bought my cousins nice things for Christmas but not my sisters and I. Matter of fact she complained whenever my grandfather wanted to spend money on me.
From the moment I met the mother of my first husband I think she hated me. I’ve said she’s hated me since the moment we shared oxygen. I think it’s safe to say that regardless of the strife within my husband- Adams family that they were close. When we were making the transition from friends/roommates to being in a relationship. He introduced me to his mother, stepfather, sister, and step brother Matthew. I asked permission to call my “Mom” who was really the woman who raised me. My future mother in law thought that was so rude and told everyone so. We left and went home. The next day I think Debbie (his mother) called him accusing me stealing jewelry out of her room apparently I confided in his sister (who was a stranger) that I did it and pawned the jewelry. Adam defended me (that time) and knew I didn’t because I was with him the whole time, I never went to her bedroom (I called mom from the kitchen). Nonetheless I didn’t even have an ID to pawn anything. The hate continued with the family members and Adam wouldn’t defend me if it meant staying on their good side or getting money. There were several incidents and lies. I was even accused of trying to kidnap my own child and brain washing him yet it was her that filed for adoption before Adams body was cold and I hadn’t been notified for weeks he was dead. So by that point Mackenzie was untouchable.  To say certain family members of that family ostracized me is an understatement. I was uninvited to my own baby shower then at last minute she hosted one but too late to invite my friends and family. She took my wedding dress but decided she wouldn’t make HER baby’s christening gown out of that whores dress. Then again at the last minute pushed for us to have the christening away from my family and our friends. Even Adams life long best friend.

In my current marriage- and this may ruffle feathers but it’s my blog. When I first married Rick his family was very nice even though I hadn’t met them. As the years go on they don’t ackowledge our kids on holidays or birthdays or whenever.... except ONE aunt and cousin. Even my stepson seems ungrateful.
This past Christmas I saw a message in a Facebook group asking where to find help giving Christmas for her teen daughter. I know Toys for Tots doesn’t give donations for teens. As a past lesson from my first life where I depended on donations at times so I teach my kids to give. They enjoy it. So this particular girl is jeanette’s age. So we bought almost everything this teen asked for. Then Christmas Eve I was spending Christmas with my out of town guests and we were having Christmas dinner and opening presents which they were grateful for... I got another message someone else needed a gift for their child. I just happen to have duplicates of one of Jeanette’s gifts so I rushed home to find it. Both mothers were full of Thank you’s and hugs- complete strangers to me. My stepson got married April of 2017 so I thought it would be nice if I sent a gift for him and his new bride. It was a thoughtful gift that Rick, myself, and Jeanette decided on. Yet we haven’t even gotten confirmation that he got it much less appreciation for the thought. My best friends children are always extremely grateful for visits and presents. These strangers were appreciative. Yet I’ve heard nothing from my “son?”
Knowing how it feels to be the black sheep. Knowing that my kids don’t have realitives that acknowledge them hardly if at all and seeing people talk about how their own child isn’t given a gift for holidays yet their other child is... just astounds me! You can think what you want of an adult but why make their children pay the debt?
As I said I sat with my dear friends on Christmas Eve and they opened up gifts I think from their great aunt? Probably their uncle as well and I did sit there in think of this is what society would call a blended family how would the relatives treat the blended children and better yet what do the adults do about it? How would you react? How would they react? How should they react? I couldn’t help amongst the joy a dark shroud of that dark place I’ve faced most of my life of not being included in some way shape or form and how that feels to a child? A family is a family whether by blood or love the way God designs it. Would you ask that all your children be included (blood/bonus/love) or no ones included why or why not?
I think I have a hard time with the concept of feeling like the one person...

Feeling the pain. Running from the pain

I have been through a lot. More than you the reader could know or that I let spill out. I say I am an open book but there is a need to keep some pain private...

I guess no one's book is truly open.

Funny thing is this week I have a lot of confrontation with the pain...

I am sure you've heard that Grey's Anatomy is the hot topic for the last few weeks. I have barely missed an episode in 11 seasons... I think in total less than 5. The show can get me wound up but I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as the last episode... Don't worry no spoilers here...

but a quote does stand out....

Owen to Amelia..
All the stuff you're managing your not supposed to be managing it.
Your Supposed to be feeling it grief loss pain it is normal.

instead of moving through the pain you're running from it.
instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.

We are supposed to feel... love, hate, hurt, grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human.
That's being alive
That's the point...

and I watched the Lifetime movie about the Cleveland Abduction so I decided to also read one of the survivors books.. I will get to the other books soon. There are a lot of parallels in my life with Michelle Knight. I don't want to pretend I had even endured the same kind of pain she endured before she was kidnapped or that of while she was held by Ariel Castro. But there is a lot of parallel... many more quotes stood out to me...

Here is one...In order to get past something terrible you have to walk through the pain not around it. It might be messy, it might make you sob but if you let yourself cry long enough you reach the bottom of your tears. I haven't reached the bottom yet, but I know someday I will. ~ Michelle Knight.

Years ago I used to run... I ran a lot. If I felt like things were caving in, or I was beginning to slip, or a person was getting ready to leave like the others I ran. When I decided I wasn't going to put Skylar up for adoption. When Adam had told me not to... I made a promise to her that she would always be able to depend on ONLY me... That I would take care of her... that I wouldn't run... I haven't ran since... I still have the fight or flight thing and the instinct is there to run... run fast as hell for the hills... save yourself from the pain but I fight it and stuff it down. I try to fix the problem that is making me run and if I can't fix it I let God deal with it. When you fight.... even when you slip, fall, or get destroyed it just makes you stronger and faithful... If you run your problems just grow and will end up destroying you anyways. At least feeling pain is being alive... covering the pain is the easy way out. 

Where are you Christmas?

I grew up a ward of the state but the Christmas' I remember were like this Norman Rockwell painting. I would get to see my biological family and spend some of Christmas with them and whatever quarrels would be a truced.. Strangers came to dinner and all were welcome. Many happy memories of Christmas and the traditions.. 

When I married Adam Christmas drastically changed... My guardian told me she didn't really want me there because I was embarrassing to her new son in law who was a California Senator. Then the next Christmas it was her grand daughter Abby had a rash she was afraid was Chicken Pox and didn't want Mackenzie to get it. Even though no males in Adam's family has ever had the Chicken Pox and Mackenzie was still vaccinated. So I was uninvited then there was the drama we had to go to Adam's grand parents house.. really my first holidays away from family (guardian and biological) and my grandfather had passed away. My sisters nor I wouldn't be able to be close to my biological mom on Christmas. The first Christmas away from family was a disaster it was traumatic. 

I quickly learned that not everyone has peaceful Christmas' even when a newborn is there. I learned that Norman Rockwell holiday is just a fantasy ... just a painting. It was hard. It IS hard.

Then Adam took Mackenzie... So my first year without Mackenzie I woke up in a cold sweat screaming. I had a nightmare that Mackenzie woke up and was looking under the tree saying he wanted mommy but I wasn't there. I wasn't under the tree. 

The second Christmas without Mackenzie I called Adam to see if I could give Mackenzie presents. I actually didn't know how to reach Adam I took a chance he would be with HIS family. His mother came on the phone and they both told me what a horrible mother I was and how I abandoned Mackenzie (not true). To mail the gifts... little did I know a month later Adam would be dead. So that was the last conversation I had with my husband and there was words of hate exchanged. Something I have to live with. 

I still really believed in Christmas... I wanted to give Skylar beautiful and magical Christmas' so I worked hard. Even when money was tight I did things beautiful for her. My oldest sister would have wonderful dinner parties for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that was a blessing until the stress and drama just got to me. I had to limit the amount of people I am around ON Christmas. My boyfriend would just wanna play games and not spend time with Skylar and I so I said fine its just me and her.. From that moment on I said I am not going to be stressed on Christmas, I am going to limit myself socially (which is rare), and I am going to make it magical for Skylar (now for William too). 

Since I have married Rick, Huntsville has so many events especially when we were active duty.. Nutcracker Ballet, Galaxy of Lights, Santa's Village.. this that and the other.. It was stressful just trying to see it all. It was stressful setting aside the money for it all.  I don't stress about money because I don't want to give it that type of power.. As long as my kids are provided for and the utility and main bills are paid then I will survive. More and more when I reach my emotional limit I call a time out and I stop. I no longer get upset if we miss something. Its disappointing sure but its not what Christmas is supposed to be about. As the kids get older its hard to find them dress clothes for Christmas and afford them. This year Skylar chose a pair of pajamas we found at the Salvation Army and I was just simply supposed to find the matching pair for William which was on disneystore.com but I waited to long. I am very disappointed that my kids now won't have matching pajamas or church clothes but its not the end of the world... If its not super important to them then it shouldn't be for me. I will have to find some alternative. I have had to put Christmas in perspective not just the commercialism but also what I can emotionally handle.

Ok sometimes I am a slow starter sometimes

I was diagnosed with Epilepsy as a pre-teen so my guardian wasn't in any hurry to let me drive. I also don't think she didn't think I was responsible enough. My guardian's daughter in law took me on one driving lesson before I turned 18. At 17-18 I had many friends get seriously hurt or die in car accidents due to negligence. I knew the law in Georgia that said if my seizures were uncontrolled I could be charged with attempted vehicle homicide or vehicular homicide if I was involved in an accident. So at that point I was afraid to drive. I met my 1st husband and he happily drove me around for awhile. Then he became abusive and controlling so it was a way for him to control me. After that part of my life was over with I was with a guy that gave me some driving lessons but every time a car came in my direction in the opposite lane I would freak out and freeze. Then the next guy I dated him and his uncle also tried to teach me to drive. I had to drive to Walmart to get formula for my baby and my licensed driver was drunk. I was apprehensive about my licensed driver being drunk when I had only had a learners permit for 3 hours. Sure enough in the Walmart parking lot I was driving the wrong way and hit a 3 month old Dodge Ram.. I did no noticeable damage to the Ram since it was higher off the ground than my boyfriends Oldsmobile. I went into Walmart and had the owner paged and it turned out to be 3 grand worth of damage to the dodge ram and a huge hole in the hood of my boyfriends Oldsmobile. The cop just sat in his car and laughed at me :/ Again the thoughts of maybe I shouldn't be driving scared me into not driving even though my seizures were under control. Later (I am not sure if it was months or years) but his uncle was teaching me to drive and I hit the curb and blew a tire. I had a melt down thinking of what could have been if someone was on that sidewalk. I had my child with me so the nervousness set in again. Neither of them wanted to teach me much after that.
  In 2007 I met my now husband and he was deploying so he took on the task of REALLY teaching me how to drive. At this point I was 27 and still with a learners permit. I was finally brave enough or maybe pressured enough since he was deploying in a month to take my drivers road test. I did it! I passed. He left July.. after he left for training but before he deployed I had a fender bender in the Commissary (grocery store) parking lot because they had a huge tent sale in the parking lot. By October I had completely totaled his car. The insurance company was nice enough to comp me a rental until January and I had only taken it off post once and I was having an anxiety attack just doing that. My friends would tease me at my over caution. my grand ma driving etc. But I was really struggling with the anxiety I had most of my life with driving. Once he came home for R&R he bought another car and I was afraid to drive it but eventually I got better with that anxiety and drove it more but still avoided roads that made me nervous and stayed close to home until he came home for good.

I worked on my anxiety and began to like driving in my little Honda I call Lady. I have always loved cars just not driving them. I had to get my hubby to trust me with her after all that and get him to believe I was confident in driving. So for a few years Lady was all mine and Rick and his son James bought a old Jeep so he could teach his son how to drive. Eventually the jeep just became too expensive to repair

The former owners called him Beast so we kept the name.. He had Punisher skull painted on the top

After the Beast died we decided we still needed a second car with James and Rick working and I needed a car at home for doctors appointments and kid things.. We also knew we needed a bigger car for all our children to fit into. We found a lovely van named Belle. At first Rick was supposed to drive Belle. I mean Lady had a custom sound system that was MY Christmas present she was MY car... But Rick got tired of the in city mileage and I think just driving a minivan wore on him so he wanted to switch. I don't drive Lady much anymore I am so comfortable in her though. I was always afraid of driving a bigger vehicle.  So I started driving the van and earlier this year I had a mishap on the way home from dropping the kids off at school. It sounded like a bomb hit the van.. I got home told Rick what happened there was no immediate signs of scratches or dents. Rick assumes I hit a mailbox but when I looked in the rear view it was still there? Then I spotted the broken mirror. Which I am not legally allowed to drive if the mirror is missing so Rick took it to work and work on repairing it. I took Lady.. I was driving through a school zone that after noon and I made the mistake of after passing the crossing guard I picked up speed... too much speed... I got my first ticket (other than 1 seat belt ticket in a parking lot) I had to go to Defensive Driving school which wasn't awful and I learned a lot. SO now I am trying to be hyper aware in school zones. Hell I try to not driving during school times just because we live near 4 school zones and then there is always buses etc.. UGH

Thursday November 13, 2014: Why I decided to blog..

Since I am trying to gradually get back into blogging and not be a complainer constantly on my blog. I thought maybe we will take baby steps. Lets talk about when and why I decided to blog and what does this second life thing mean anyways? I can't remember when I started my blog. I think perhaps either my friend +Bill  or my friend Mia sent me an invite on Livejournal and I started learning the ways of Livejournal. Back when you had to be invited to the exclusive club. Which now if I use I am totally lost again LOL. But its still there for all the world to see. Sometimes I go back and copy and paste an old blog into this blog. Xanga, Yahoo 360, and Myspace have all deleted my old blogs now so I can't sadly recover those. They are probably on some cloud somewhere with my "Bella Bunny" attached to it. Ah I finally got into LJ my first entry was in January 28th 2003. That may have even been my second LJ I remember gifting one away. 8 days after my first husband died, yet I didn't know that he had died for another month. A month later I rushed down to Atlanta to try and get my son back. Anyways kinda off topic. Why did I start to blog? I have always been a writer. In high school I was a published poet. I have been published in poetry books, magazines and even Big Bop or Big Bopper (whatever that teen magazine is) Something I wrote about my favorite actor Jonathan Brandis. I used to write poems religiously and plays all through middle school and high school. You may be able to dig and find a few saved in blogger. So as I went through my trials of life, loosing my husband, my son, my family and trying to get back on my feet most of it is archived for the world to see. Some of it yeah I probably don't want people to see but some maybe even the same stuff could inspire someone, change someones path... You never know what your thoughts have the power to do. Writing has always been my tool. Its therapeutic for me. I sometimes get positive feedback and also constructive criticism which I am good with. I like when others can offer me and advice and encouragement. Its therapeutic that I can speak without saying it out loud. I am a very blunt person. I would almost say that I am painfully honest sometimes. What I say is usually twisted the wrong way. Sometimes I actually don't feel I can be blunt enough afraid of the power behind what I have to say. Sometimes what I need to say will just fall on deaf ears. I deal with that a lot lately. I can't change you. I may not ever be able to change your mind. I can only change how I deal with it. So I write to get it all out on the table because holding something in for me is dangerous and lethal even. I have tried to bottle things up and its just a bad result..  I don't always feel like I get my thoughts out clearly when I speak them. So writing is a way for me to get my thoughts out and even though yes it still can get twisted at least I can put what is in my head and you don't have to read if you don't want to. But its still free from my soul. I just have to learn how to say things in a manner where I won't want to take them back.

What is this second life? My life since January 2007 is a world away from my life prior that. Yet some things from my old life become a constant in the new life. My best friend Jennifer has always been by my side. The mommy support group I started when my now 14 year old was just 6 months old is still going we just have moved to the Facebook format since that's where most of us are these days. Some still have the same members as it started with. Its a nationwide mommy group we are a from all walks of life all over the US and I have even met a few. I love them they are some of my closest friends and supporters. Of course my two oldest children have been through the old life and Skylar and I are extremely close through this second life. She's entering the teen years and she is thriving and growing so beautifully. The old life when I lived in Georgia and now I am in Alabama. My old life when I lost my family, I lost my husband, I lost my oldest son. I had to live through some traumatic events. Without Rick it would have been a lot harder to get back on my feet. When I talk about the old life its even like talking about someone elses life. Yet the scars are still on my soul, the wounds are still deep and trying to heal. Through the second life I may back slide, I may fail, I may fall, I may get hurt and I am still damaged with baggage but this is why its a misadventure! Definitely an adventure to be had!

*dusting off the top of the blog*

Hi... does anyone ever still swing by here? I used to blog a lot years ago. I have used Blogspot, Xanga, Livejournal, Myspace, Opendiary... As a matter of fact I thought I was a paid member of Open Diary I guess not *shrugs* I would write about my first life. That's what I call pre-2007... It wasn't a great time in my life but yet I had lots of readers. Perhaps they liked that I was in misery. As I got remarried and was happier in my settled life my blog got a lot less traffic. I kept pretty much the same group of online friends and my offline life. I just moved out of state and gained new friends in my "second life" my army life. Skylar & I had a lot of adjusting to do and perhaps I blogged about that. I tried not to blog too much about the issues I was having as I have adult step sons and I didn't want to alienate them. My husband even though we met through social networking and my blog on Yahoo 360 he's not a huge fan of me blogging either. Probably just not blogging about him LOL. The past year my blog has been pretty quiet unless its something I thought needed saying. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD, Fibromylagia, Anxiety, and Depression over the past year. So perhaps I didn't want to sign on to blogger every day just to complain. No huge adventures lately its more of me just living life... watching the babies who aren't such babies grow. So are you still with me? How long have you been reading?

Allowance, Chores, Good Grades, Respect in a world of self entitlement.

When I was a single parent Skylar got an allowance... If I had 10 cents left out of my earnings and after bills/needs that's what she got. She got whatever I had left which usually wasn't much since I was single. I usually put it on a gift card or something so she could have the cute Dora gift card (it was what she was into at the time) from Walmart. 

We've gotten away from having so many assigned chores. I have fought with myself over to let kids be kids and she struggles enough with getting homework completed and not having any time with friends much less extra circular activities like her beloved Cheer. Rick and I pick up the slack and James helps out in the areas in which physically hurt me. I've tried doing chore charts for all three kids and included in some commission chores as Dave Ramsey suggests. They had their responsibilities to just help out as being part of a family and then they had other chores they could do to earn commission but yet no one helped enforce or manage these. So I gave up. James said he didn't want to earn any money. Skylar's too lazy to take care of her regular chores or like I said too busy doing her first responsibility -- school. 

Then I tried http://www.myjobchart.com/ but again my husband and kids seemed uninterested. 

I've tried Cozi and all sorts of different types to organize and keep us connected it usually falls on deaf ears.

I don't want to raise my child to be self entitled especially in this society where we've elected politicians that support this YOLO belief. I visited this on my blog last week HERE.

Again I am running into the gimmies and my Christmas Tree is still up so that means my children have no business with the Gimmies when they were just spoiled beyond belief a week ago.  I don't see the sense in a North Face jacket when its just like any other furry fleece Jacket... You appreciate what you had not a name brand or a fad. .

Does your child get allowance? If so how much for what age and what portion do they earn? 

Day 8 of thanks

This picture signifies the beginning of what I call my second life. My life away from Georgia. My life as an Army Wife, My life as a wife, a mother, step mother... and so on.

Day 8 I am thankful for my second life. Its more than a second chance at life. God had already given me that. Its a new life as a Christian because I asked God to take the wheel and lead me to my purpose filled life and there I was at the alter with a man I had spoken to for over a year but we were only together for a few weeks. I had no butterflies, no reservations, no second thoughts... I was full in +Richard  on the other hand was shaking like a leaf. Being an Army wife or a soldier isn't for everyone. I was unsure if it was my purpose from the time I was a little girl I just said never... My guardian was retired Air Force. My sister was in the Air Force I saw things... I knew things but then again I knew nothing. The Army provides for us to this day even though he's been retired three years I will never be ungrateful for the privileges and how it provides for myself and Skylar. The military provided my second life a whole new life. 

Just because I have a second life doesn't mean that I didn't learn from my first life. EVERYTHING I took from my second life stays with me like a tattoo. Its never forgotten. Some of the pain has stayed behind but some creeps up and becomes raw. The rawness of becoming a widow, being abandoned multiple times by blood and family, loosing Mackenzie. As well as some relationships I've kept. My best friend of 10 years, and some people that seem to take me for me! 

and I am grateful for my new home. Where the problem is this weekend to go to Aviation Challenge at the Space and Rocket Center, The Chattanooga Zoo, or the Harmony Park Safari? There is so much for our kids to enjoy here whether you have money or you don't.

What Appliance Can I NOT Live Without

April 27th of 2011 We had a series (MULTIPLE) EF5 tornado's tear through our community. Houses & grocery stores were destroyed like bombs had gone off. The storms manage to damage huge power lines coming from the dam a hour away or a hour and a half away. Which made most of North Alabama without power except a small oasis of power called Athens. A couple of the bigger stores like Target and Publix got generators but many many gas stations and smaller stores didn't have generators. Many restaurants had gas stoves so they could still cook and they tried and just served $5 plates out their back door it was better than the food going to waste. Then small city of Athens, AL with a population of 21,000 was overwhelmed with people waiting in line for hours for bottled water, gas grills, charcoal, batteries, and gas. Cell phone and land line phone coverage was pretty much out. We had to live without power pretty much for about a week. We got power back a few days after Osama Bin Laden was killed. If I remember that was the day they announced it. So if you would have asked me a year ago what appliance could I not live without my answer would have been different. Now I would say I have lived without them all. The only thing I didn't have to do then was to hand wash clothes I went to Athens to wash clothes at the laundry mat. I could live without owning a washer I actually like going to the laundry mat. Thank God after all that destruction we had weeks of beautiful weather that had wonderful temps to be able to stay outside, grill out, open our windows for fresh air, and warm water by sunlight.

This was a Piggly Wiggly & Dollar General the survivors hid in the walk in Freezer

Anderson Hills 

Subdivision

A Funnel Cloud that was larger across than the four lane parkway (Memorial Parkway at Drake)

Another shot of some houses

Overcoming Fear

A few years ago I was in a group therapy setting back in Georgia in my old life. The therapist told a story about an old Lion watching over his pride. Outsiders wouldn't come close because when the old lion would roar it would sound loud and scary. In reality the lion was old and his joints were bad and he just couldn't fight like he used to... The lion had a young son in the pride though who's voice wasn't as strong as his father's but his bite and fight were stronger. The "False Evidence" is the older lion's roar.. it made him appear scary yet there wasn't much fight left in him. This quote and this story has pretty much given me some foundation for my "Second Life." 

I don't know I guess my brain is wired differently. I have anxieties just as much as the next person. I have one type of anxiety dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress that is irrational at times but with my anxieties overall I have them in check most of the time. I had a good friend that had anxieties and my step son struggles with them and I have never fathomed letting fear control me. When I was struggling with depression I had a dream that I was back at my first church Trinity and we were having a lock in and I woke up to see demon's taking my church family that I was extremely close to dragging them out of the church. When I woke up I just said to myself perhaps depression is the devil's way of casting doubt or trying to cloud your mind. From that moment I decided I wouldn't let demon's win. I know I sound like I am over the top and usually I am not but about certain things it just pushes it up to the surface. My feelings that fear shouldn't control me comes from this nightmare... this dream as if it was a direct message from God. I have been through a lot of trials in my life starting from birth, dealing with my parents issues with drugs, abuse, & neglect. Then operations through out my teen years. Domestic Violence as an adult and loosing my first husband and son. Then getting out of another unhealthy relationship. Now finally surviving deployments, being away from Mackenzie and dealing with the new challenges that are set before me. I have never lived my life with fear controlling me. I do what I have to do to get it done or I would have never have made it this far. 

I have talked in my blog about learning to give it to God I am not going to repeat all that again. But just using these tools has helped me overcome fears

I thought I would hate...

Growing up I always said I wouldn't marry into the military and being a Georgia Peach I always said I wouldn't live in Alabama in my Carpe Diem moment I did both. I can't say I don't still HATE Alabama but Huntsville I have learned to love. It woo'd me and I am here. You go an hour outside of Huntsville and you definitely see a difference. I was born in California and raised between the suburbs of Los Angeles and Atlanta until the age of 10. Then I lived in the suburbs of Atlanta until I separated for my first husband.Then I lived in the peaceful mountains of Georgia... Still a Georgia Girl through and through. I didn't leave Georgia until I met Rick.

I thought I would hate being a military wife but being something is more mind over matter. Of course I was spoiled by being stationed at a TRADOC post where the rules are a little more lax for my husband's rank. Its a smaller post (also a bad thing with the drama), great housing... I can't complain about much. It was an experience I would do over and over again. No regrets.

Carpe diem - the time I actually seized the day.

Should I start by telling a Thelma and Louise or a Bonnie and Clyde type story.. Sharing a bunch of pictures of our journey. It really didn't happen with all the thrill and excitement that Hollywood gives us. My Louise to my Thelma they were not with me but I thought maybe they were supporting me from the comfort of their homes in Florida and New York. My "Brad Pitt" wasn't in a convertible but it was a rusty old Geo Metro oh and we had a four year old stow away. The day I said Carpe Diem knowing I was giving up a whole branch of my family tree... just chopping it right down. Leaving behind the world I created in Georgia when just months earlier I swore I would never leave as long as Mackenzie was stuck there. In 24 short hours I decided to wrap the scarf around my neck grab my 4 year old by the hand and just jumped into the abyss without looking. Believe it or not the 4 hour car ride to Huntsville wasn't filled with awkward silences. I was in lust or love with my prince charming we seemed to mesh like Peanut Butter and Jelly. We had just met in person less than 48 hours earlier but we KNEW each other in such a deeper meaning and way we drove into our future without looking in the rear view mirror

JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS
Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light

Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right

I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line

Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind

Well it's been long enough

Time is up



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

I ain't never lookin' back and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before

You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4

Baby what did you expect me to do

Just sit around and wait on you

Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth

And I know it sounds trite

I've seen the light



Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye



I'd lost the game I guess

I did my best to win the part

Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart

Bye bye, I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back you can count on that

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye

Oh baby

Oh

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

LyricsBay | JO DEE MESSINA - BYE BYE LYRICS

The Misadventures of Bella's Second Life.

Why the new name for my blog? What does The Misadventures of Bella's Second Life mean?

A new name for my blog because we are no longer an active duty Army Family. Rick has been retired for over a year now and Alex retires officially in December. What does Bella's Second Life mean?

When I talk about those old people no longer in my life (well at least some of them), when I talk about that old life it feels like I am talking about someone else. I have had a funeral for the old me. I am proud of what I am now, where I've come. There are certainly some people I will reach out to as part of my New Years Resolution I will like to find, write (snail mail please!) and let them know what's going on with me. Because I know they will appreciate what I've done. I've stumbled getting here. I've made mistakes. Sadly Mackenzie might have paid the highest price. But I live a new life and certain people in my life have chosen not to follow me into the new light. I had my reasons for leaving Georgia for leaving my old life nearly 5 years ago. Rick and I celebrate our 6th anniversary of our friendship next month. WOW! People compliment us and say you can see something special in us. They say I have never been happier and they are right not in my adult life. So this is my "Misadventures" meaning I will still stumble but I have my faith and my dysfunctional families support to pick me up. My second life meaning rebirth of who I am and who I want to be. So if you knew me then in my first life can you erase all of the stumbles, all of the errors, all of the mistakes I made all of what I had done  and just celebrate in the rebirth with me. Danielle T. says you've come so far at least every other time we talk. These little words mean SO much to me because I am proud of where I am. Now if you read my blog you know that I question whether or not I belong here. I question whether or not I can handle all on my plate. But I have faith and I have a guide. A lot of you don't know but years ago I gave my life to Jesus in a different way and I let him take the wheel and I promised to make changes and I have kept my promises and I know he will keep his too. So if you knew the old me don't judge me by my mistakes because I don't live there anymore. Everyone deserves anew! 

If you've turned your back on me don't forget I am not the only one paying for it you also turned your back on my kids and what could have been's...