Livin la vida loca

Livin la vida loca came on the radio today.... twice.... actually back to back.
I couldn’t help but think if I could be carefree again at least in some aspects. If I could go outside with my love and dance in the rain, pullover on the side of the road, get lost on purpose...
If only I could live life honestly to the fullest, embracing this crazy life, not being weighed down with depression and the weight of the world. I know ultimately I’m responsible for my own happiness. I however don’t believe I can choose to just not have depression or just choose to be happy. He’s in control and I’m in control of myself, I know.
If I could occasionally be carefree again I imagine the happiness I could bring other people. I would if I could take away their dark cloud and make them forget their troubles. I really wish I could.
If I could be wild again and more spontaneous...
The what if’s 😔

Whiskers on Wednesday

What did Peeta get into? It’s like Deja Vu when Peanut stuck his head in a Scentsy 

Daily entry 11-14

• I didn’t get much sleep last night and normally I’m very tired with 8 hours sleep. So I was plain pooped today.
• I did get an one hour nap
• On my way to car line there was a bad accident blocking the road to the school. Please pray for the people involved.
• Two police played chicken with me (on the way to the accident, I was headed away from the accident) not good for someone with so little sleep
• My kitten dunked his head in a Scentsy I think. How do I know this? Another cat has done the same thing. *face palm*

High for the day the glorious nap and a kind husband

Low for the day : I don’t laugh like I used to, I feel like such a party pooper. I’m depressed and it shows.

Gratitude for the day: kind husband 

Love

How would you define love? Being in love? Falling in love? 

One day during a sermon I was attending the pastor explained the definition of love is stated in the Bible. I think it could apply to those who are agnostic or atheist too. He had further explanation that I can’t remember how he worded it. (Haha)

I think love is overused but at the same time we don’t love each other enough or actively show our love. You can love an animal, a family member, a friend, or a total stranger. The Old Testament talks about an angry and vengeful G-d.  In the New Testament after Noah and the ark and Jesus was crucified for our sins he became more of a “free-range” parent granting us free will and hope. That’s why we no longer have floods, or locusts, or raining frogs etc. If you are a believer I think the message from the Bible and the message Jesus spread was loving others like he loved them. “Love Thy Brother.” Don’t be like Kane *wink*. God loves unconditionally and he forgives as we should strive for. We are supposed to love our parents, right? I cherish (which means love) my closest friends like family- or in my case better than family. They are my family I was able to choose. I tell them I love them. Some I’ve known most of my adult life and they’ve earned that. Some I’ve had to work to forgive for some things but I’ve never stopped caring and loving them. Some of us have pets that are like our children. Some of are caregivers to all animals. So there are different types of love.

How will I know? 

Falling in love.

   I would define falling in love as the act of the early stages leading to being in love. You’re not quite in love yet. You are still feeling it out. Usually this phase moves pretty fast. That’s when lust or like become love within a romantic context. I don’t define it as being in love but the act of getting there. It could be the person is beginning to love another.

Urban dictionary’s definition is here

The difference between falling in love and being in love here

Psychology today says:

Let me define falling in love as well as I can, so we know what we are talking about. One person finds himself/herself excited and preoccupied with someone else and desirous of touching that person and being with that person as much as possible. That strong physical attraction usually includes sexual feeling

This kiss

The way you love me

How I would define being in love is similar to falling in love but there isn’t anymore doubt or wondering anymore you know this person is the center of your thoughts. You dedicate yourself to this person. You think of this person through out the day. You’re selfless for this person. You desire to be near this person. Then all of the things described in the definition of love are present as well as possibly lust.

Urban dictionary definition is here

The free dictionary definition here

Comment with your definitions or love stories...

If It’s Not Like The Movies

Ever the Same https://youtu.be/Q2bjkEPL-9g

Daily Entry

Maybe I could try to basically make a bullet journal of my day. I can list my highs and lows, my gratitude, and any events or pictures from my day?

• I spent some of my day relaxing playing Sims.
• I had set a goal for myself to start cleaning around my desk where a lot of my doll stuff accumulated. So most of the day I did that and laundry
• I had to organize the doll stuff. I try to be on the ball with the stuff I keep a database and everything is kept very organized
• I started reading a new fiction book in car line waiting on my youngest.
• I’m continuing to track my food intake I haven’t been so dillegent taking my blood pressure.

My high today is accomplishing my goal in cleaning

My low today is not getting laundry caught up and forgetting about my blood pressure.

My gratitude for the day is my daughter. I cannot brag enough about how much I love her, how proud I am of her. I wouldn’t ask for anything more ❤️

Tempt my Tummy Tuesday

A few weeks ago I went to see two of my best friends both had birthdays in October and I showed up. For my “Sister Wife” Michelle I made her a S’more Bunt cake. So Michelle and I have this inside thing since we’ve become friends I always give her s’mores for her birthday. She doesn’t like traditional birthday cake and I passed a picture of a S’more cake on Facebook and looked up the recipe. Honestly my daughter ended up baking most of it. Anyways it turned out beautiful.

So I’ve always been plagued by very low blood pressure when I was pregnant I’d pass out a lot because it was 80/50. Now I weigh almost 50 more pounds and the nurse practitioner says it’s too high. So I have to cut back on sodium since there is no sign of getting rid of my stressors heh. This is new to me so I downloaded an app to track my intake and I bought a blood pressure cuff to test my blood pressure- when I don’t forget ugh... anyways any tips to share? I need some fries ya’ll. Lol

Hamsters

At times I’m stuck in my own head. My best friend calls these hamsters. Since going through this depression I’ve dealt with heavy self doubt, internal conflict, and low self esteem. When I had to end a friendship with someone whom I’ve been friends with 24 years that he said he’d love me unconditionally. We are family. I never thought there would be a day he’s not by my side but I reached that time. So if that is not what I thought it’s hard for me to trust anything else. I don’t even trust my judgement. He even told me a few years ago he didn’t think I had very good judgment about certain things. I guess that’s a nagging thought in my head. There was a debate between a few people if you would want to know where you stand with people. There are times I wish I did. I could see how that could go wrong. Then there are times I wish I knew someone’s internal dialog. I wish I could still openly trust people without question. I wish I could FEEL unconditional love and know it’s true. Maybe after the years of my childhood being bullied I’m naturally guarded but I wonder if people talk behind my back. It makes me uncomfortable. I hate to sound crazy maybe sometimes I feel that they’ve not included me in some way that I should be included in. I wonder if people ever defend me when I’m not around I had a friend years ago, I’d always come to her defense but she did anything but behind my back. I asked my teen daughter if her friends liked me and she said yes except once someone said something bad about me and she said she defended her and really wanted to punch them in the throat. This touched me  so much. I wonder who listens or starts gossip about me and who defends me because I want those people to be my people. I wonder how I exist in other people’s lives. How many times do I cross your mind? Do I make you smile? Make you sad or angry? Do you share a memory of me with someone like you share memories of other people with me? I wonder if I still exist in people’s minds that I’m not in their lives anymore? Do you hear a song and think of me? Touch an object and think of me? See my face in a crowd? Wonder what I’ve been up to? Pray for me? Especially with a small group of people including Mackenzie. Does he miss me? Is he angry? Perhaps with the depression I struggle to see my importance in your life so I wonder how I exist in it.

Trauma

I’ve learned a lot about PTSD through my life as an Army wife. I’ve learned my own PTSD. This year I think I have new triggers if that’s possible? Completely unrelated to my previous issues with PTSD. This one is a lot more of an every day battle than my other. It’s a constant battle of avoiding triggers, dealing with night terrors, insomnia, sadness, grief, and loneliness. It’s lonely because most of it no one knows about. I just dig my heels in and take the waves of indescribable pain. I can take the pain but the energy it takes to pick myself up when I know the triggers are almost unavoidable and there is no one that can understand why... that’s just exhausting and leaves me a empty.

Grief

Some people think of grief as a loss due to death of a loved one. Which I’ve experienced two fold recently.

I believe you can grieve the loss of an opportunity, a friendship, a job, a relationship, empty nest, pregnancy, divorce, and or loss of trust.

Where there is love there is grief.

A lot of these things I’ve experienced just the past 18 months. 

I lost my first husband at the young age of 23, suddenly. With that I learned how quickly outside judgement comes with grief. I learned to grieve on my own. I learned it’s on my timeline that someone else may grieve the same person or experience but it can be vastly different for different people. Some may look like everything is back to the way it was some may take longer- even a lifetime. There is no right or wrong to when you get to move on. Whether that be a new job, a new relationship, etc. 

Grief can be compounded by other deaths you’ve dealt with or other experiences that you endured and then you let yourself reopen your heart to be loved again just to feel like a failure or you’ve been let down. One may not look or feel or end the same. You may not know how to feel, how to act, or what the next step is. Most importantly you can’t help how you feel. Just remember it’s what we do as humans mourn, hurt, break, rebuild, and do it all over again. 

Communication

“The foundation to any relationship: Child/parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, and friendship, is communication. Without communication trust nor a bond can be created. It’s the most simplest form of nurturing.” -Dayna Loranger

   Watching Greys Anatomy last night, Maggie and Jackson have to figure out their love language. They communicate in different ways, and they need to find a mix or happy medium that works for them. First, he bailed on Maggie without a word and barely kept in touch while he was gone, but then she finds out he's talking to other women, and he turns it on her and says that it's because she doesn’t communicate with him.

Jackson: When is the last time you let me in at all. About anything. 

Maggie: So you went and got it from someone else. 

Jackson: Maggie, yeah. I find it easier to open up with people who open up with me.

You run every time it gets complicated, Maggie. You hide.

Over the years I’ve heard all the excuses... a friend says..”...you have enough I don’t want to burden you with my issues.” My reply, “You are my best friend not a burden on me.” 

Then I have a friend that finds me too emotionally charged. So if I’m emotional she shuts herself off. Does that seem like a place where I can truly be myself? 

Ok so I know the whole men are from Mars thing... I know men struggle with communication in general. Especially if they are on the spectrum. Spectrum or not someone won’t open up to you if you are not open yourself, if you shut them down when they are most vulnerable, if they express concern and it turns into a fight. Sometimes people need to take criticism. It’s healthy and it’s communication. Sorry to disrupt your fantasy with my reality! 

I sit and think for hours how lonely and empty I am. Loneliness doesn’t come from not having people around you but inability to communicate the things that seem important to oneself and receive compassion, understanding, to be validated and not dismissed, and a good and willing listener. 

“You and your feelings thoughts securities are just as important as the other persons! “ - Michelle Jorden

Greys anatomy credit to TVfanatic.com

A Year Full of Challenges.

This time last year I found the perfect job (except the pay), I was looking forward to what the new year brought with it. I was most excited about starting a new chapter in my life (or as my life tends to be not chapters but volumes), I had waited for 2018 to come when I never thought it would. I made it 15 years without my first born and this was the year we could be reunited. 

2018 didn’t have a very good lift off at all. As the ONE employee where I worked I got laid off. My nephew came to live with us. We struggled bad. However I felt like I was doing my job as an aunt and he had a promising future here. That all fell apart. The whole family was very hurt and disappointed. 

I had enough to deal with my fathers death and getting laid off unexpectedly. 

Soon after I experienced one of the worst betrayals and heartbreaks I’ve ever experienced. I struggled to merely get on my knees much less clean myself off. 

Getting rehired then fired 😭

No time to recover myself even through my seasonal depression around my birthday. I started looking up as my oldest child’s birthday was coming. The day I literally counted on for 15 years. I could go to Savannah and find him.... instead I left Savannah yet again disappointed and confused. Unsure what to believe or what to do next. 

My first love, one of my closest friends who had become like family lied to me and his wife got petty so we haven’t talked after being friends since we were 15 years old. 

Then I’ve been through some serious health problems. 

My Honda was hit from behind and totaled and my van has almost had an issue weekly. 

Then my mother died and my best friend is seriously ill. 

I haven’t had a moment to think much less heal. I’ve taken some things harder than I thought. There are times I’ve barely made it to see the sunrise.

Affirmation

I have found lately my need, my love language is affirmation. I thought maybe it was a matter of circumstance to that person or a side effect of depression. The lack of affirmation and actions of an individual that isn’t affirming has been really holding me down. It can be something they don’t think is important but I find it important and even heartbreaking that they not only neglect my need of affirmation but they’ve neglected doing or saying whatever it is that bothers me. It actually eats at me. 

Even surface affirmation. I love you, I want to spend time with you, I wanted to see you. All these phrases seem very insincere. I accept they affirmation but my brain can process it as why do they love me, why do they want to spend time with me. Why are they with me? To anything on the spectrum of accusatory mistrust. 

I have been asked how or what can a person do to give affirmation and I have had a hard time with that question as well. I’m not sure how to answer it other then tell me why you love me, tell me what you saw/see in me. Why do you want to see me or spend time with me? I need more details about what a person feels I bring to the table. It’s not that I’m completely clueless of my worth. Sure I’m human I have some insecurities and self doubt. I don’t think that my love language is totally connected to that though. I think a part of affirmation is being sincere and thoughtful and NOT being coached on what I need to hear. Because then it’s as shallow as anything else. 

Is it possible though to have a successful relationship with someone who doesn’t fill your cup?

 

Problem with relationships

Problem with me and relationships is I’m not stable enough for them. I spoke to a therapist years ago and together we came to the conclusion that I’m not mentally strong enough to maintain, if I do then I either am not strong enough to stand up for myself and become very much like a doormat. I get anxious and feeling self conscious when there is a lot of silence. Like they just don’t want to talk to me. Why should I believe otherwise? When there is a falling out I fight an over whelming urge to grovel even when I’m sure I’m not wrong. I do that otherwise I’m rethinking the entire thing and talking myself out of it because I’ll just allow them to treat me however they want. It’s all confusing... you go from one minute shooting the shit to the next minute something happens and all of a sudden the person hates small talk and if there isn’t a prying subject it’s completely dead silence.. maybe a dead body makes more noise. We’ve become fast friends and chatted all day for days on end then something happens? What’s that something? Should I just accept their explanation? Or trust my instinct that something else is going on? (Hangs head)

The truth of depression

This is the face of depression. 

I have had depression since I was 21. This year has been one of the hardest years by far. The only other really bad bout I had was when Adam died and Mackenzie was taken from me but Skylar saved me from that. I realize depression lies but the truth about depression when someone see's your depressed they often times make it about them. They want to hear what's wrong but when you tell them they say... "That's not true.", "I didn't mean to. (See they make it about them)". "How can I help?"  It goes on and on.  At what point where they listening to you? There's the truth about depression. Sometimes you need to shut your pie hole and listen and accept what they have to say and if you feel so inclined to make their life better than actually SHOW them the world is different than they believe. If you say I will devote more time... I will try to talk more... I will ____ then actually do it and stick with it! Or don't do anything at all or you will make an ugly downward spiral. If its not true and you didn't mean to then show them its NOT true if you didn't mean to then DON'T do it again. Be there for them and actually listen (there is not always a need for you to say anything) just LISTEN be a good listener. 

Wow that is my life..

I have been a Grey's Anatomy fan since the very first episode. My best friend at the time and I used to be deeply devoted to Desperate Housewives and when Grey's first aired it aired right after Desperate Housewives. Greys quickly became my favorite show and I have rarely missed an episode. I have probably binge watched it from the beginning at least 3 times. The last time watching George die again and I said no now I am I am good. It was probably for my best interest that Netflix took it off their server so I wouldn't binge watch it again. During deployment I got one of my army wife friends to binge watch it with me and I got her hooked. I have gotten several people hooked. Sometimes I do have to remind myself it is a scripted show because I have been so connected to some of the characters. Recently I have been replaying a scene that has now become my favorite scene. It has Amelia and Owen in it. To set up the premise... Amelia's a recovering drug addict and her brother just died. She doesn't know how to deal with pain without drugs. Owen is a veteran with PTSD, who now works as a trauma surgeon. 
I use the scene as a reminder of how I must deal with pain and I also encourage other people the same way. To watch the scenes I have found a lucky person on Youtube that hasn't been flagged by the copyright God lol... Part 1    Part 2   Part 3
I was sitting in bed this morning... again reminding myself of what Owen says, 
Owen : All the stuff you're "managing". You're not supposed to be managing. You're supposed to be feeling it. Grief,  loss, pain... it is normal.
Amelia: It is NOT normal.
Owen: Yes it is. Yes it is normal. Its not normal to you because you've never done it. That feeling of grief, pain... you've shoved it all down and doing drugs instead of moving through the pain.You run from it. (Then he realizes he runs from it too by re-enlisting to serve another tour in Iraq), You instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that his horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but its not normal.
We're supposed to feel.
We are suppose to love and hate and hurt and grieve and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human. That is humanity. That's that's that's being alive. That's the point. Don't don't avoid it. Don't extinguish it.
Amelia: Derek Died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to, I can't. I can't- I can't do this. I can't
Owen: You have to... If you don't...
Amelia interrupts: No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
Owen: You ha you have to If you don't that last bag of oxy is gonna be your last. (she hands him the oxy and wails in pain) You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. Its perfectly normal. Its boring even. It is so normal.

I realize how I have been dealing with pain... no not with drugs or alcohol.. I realized how I process pain. Sometimes I might hold it in. I don't see it at the time. But maybe I might. Maybe I deal with it passively. I have never believed drugs or alcohol are the way to deal with things. I come from a background of people that depended on that and checked out. I never wanted to check out on my kids and so far I think I am in the moment with them even when I am at my worst. My husband I truly believe his military service and now his job is his escape from not wanting to deal with things. I realized wow that is my life... now to remember I have to feel all the emotions and be destroyed to rebuild myself better and stronger the next time. 

Picture Days and Poor Choices

   Everybody can look back at their school pictures and see the crazy hair or the crazy outfits we either picked out ourselves or our mothers sewed us into.. Today serves as a reminder as school pictures never really go away they just remind us of bad choices in our lives LOL
   Today is school picture day at the middle school. So I put William on the bus dressed for his crazy sock day... I come inside to get a picture of Skylar in whatever cute outfit she picked out for picture day. See we made an agreement years ago that for the fall pictures (ie Yearbook pictures) she dresses into whatever interests her that year.. Ie William will have a Roblox or Minecraft shirt she would wear the band tee of her choice or whatever that way 20 years down the road you look through your year book and see oh I was into One Direction when I was in 6th grade what was I thinking. So yes she picks out her own clothes for picture day. I think the thought is a good idea. Well I walk in the house she has on a red plaid flannel shirt, a skeleton tank top (first year I let her wear tanks to school) the skeleton tank top looks like a human skeleton pasted onto the tank its black, rayon and shiny. Like the shoulders down to the hipbones and then blue denim Avril Lavigne jeans so they are blue with black rock embellishments on them. I don't take a step in the house and say oh child your wearing that for picture day? Ie the just rolled out of bed look. She's like what's wrong with it? I said its PICTURE DAY. You want your year book photo to look like that? She's like what my tank top is exactly three finger widths like they ask plus I have the flannel on. I said well you can start off by MATCHING... Rick's like your going to give her a complex.. This is the guy that has blue shorts with black palm trees he wears with EVERYTHING... I said I told you not to rub off on my child! She's still defending her choices. I said Skylar my dear this is the best outfit in your closet? This is your FAVORITE outfit? She said yes... of what I could find.. *SMH* I can't even post the picture of her because its that bad. She says Chelle Chelle picked this out for me! I said no I buy your clothes. I usually pick out your clothes from Rocket City Consignment (my work) with no help from you and you wear what I buy so obviously I get your taste and I am not going to put you in a lacy girlie whatever. I said I am NOT buying your school pictures (maybe I will as an example of her poor choices in life LOL) and when we have family picture day **I** will chose your clothes. She began to object LOL
She claims these were my bad fashion choices for her and never lets me live it down. Honestly the Gymboree outfit I bought one identical to fit a doll so it will live on forever :P 

a family member took their make-a-wish trip to Mexico and brought her back this dress. She insists it looks like a clown

She's always whined about this twirl skirt yet she dressers her BROTHER in it.. Where's the justice in that? She liked PINK and ZEBRA's I think that's pretty well a perfect match LOL

This is her least favorite outfit she brings up about once a month how cringe worthy it is. YES I LOVED gymboree.  Yes I bought it in two different sizes and yes she wore it for two picture days..

Is it as bad as she claims?

and yes I bought a handmade version for her doll so I can be reminded of how much I loved that line from Gymboree LOL

Yes I have been known to matching you and your brother in silly Christmas Jammies and I made of made a request or two that you wear them for your Santa pictures.

I might buy them again this year just to prove I am the mean mother who dresses you funny

Now good fashion choices 

an adorable outfit she wore just on a random day. It was black skinny jeans with holes. a black and gray top with a tank under it. She was stunning and looked like a model. Mama doesn't do so bad clothes shopping child.. Next picture day I will go buy you something from the thrift store..

Gravity

Gravity

In a world that casts me out

You're my gravity

In a world that wants to cast a spell

You're my gravity

The world that lies and has false realities 

You're my gravity

When I feel worthless

You're my gravity

ground zero for my emotions

You can get me to focus

anchoring me down

you ground me

You're my gravity

The moments in which I want to get away

You're my gravity

When my spirit is on the run,

you know how to pull me in

You're my gravity

My heart is shattered and my soul is broken

you show me that its not

You're my gravity

The times when I am floating away,

you anchor me into reality

You're my gravity

When my heart is wanting to fly away to cloud 9

You're my gravity

Our story isn't a fairy tale it might be a nightmare

but you're my gravity

You love me, you hate me, you hold me up, you break me down

You're my gravity

Even when I push you away you only pull me close

Its only over when its over

you're everything I don't know I need

you break me down just to build me up,

because this isn't who I am

I want to try again

because your everything I need, 

yet nothing I can handle

We will rise again

yet you're my gravity.

<3

we vowed to never forget

Yesterday we vowed to ‪#‎neverforget‬ but today after the aftermath... after the anniversary of the aftermath lets never forget the aftermath of what our greatest heroes are left with. Our heroes that were first responders... normal civilians, dogs, FDNY, Port Authority, Military, NYPD... they are left with battle scares and wounds. For the military PTSD is a stigma but with the Firefighters its a BIGGER stigma many are not only left physically disabled from the asbestos but mentally disabled from the PTSD of losing their brotherhood. I hope we never forget the people that we lost. I hope we never forget the mistakes that we as a country made (so we don't do them again), I hope we never forget the bond we had that it didn't matter what color our skin was, our religion, our sexual preference, or where we live or social class. We were American and the American Flag which has always stood for United it really meant it the days after the attack on our soil. Lets never forget to be kind to someone fighting some kind of battle you know nothing about. This picture of Melissa Joan Hart took of the One World Trade center is stunning https://instagram.com/p/7fS8vHFHni/

The loss of more than a legend.

Just a week or two before his death when I found out he was in rehab I cried on Rick's shoulder..."A life without Robin would be dark", I said. I don't know how many people know Robin's background but he was the last one to see his best friend John Belushi alive. He also didn't have a great childhood he looked up to his father and always strived to be perfect but he was also molested (not by his father) he had a long period where he was being sexually abused. Many people don't know he attended Juilliard School on a full scholarship where he met his life long friend Christopher Reeve. He wasn't just an actor with great comedic timing and improv skill he was a very loving, giving person. After all despite his demons he always wanted to make the world laugh and even cry. Through out my childhood he helped me find courage and strength through my difficult times and encouragement to fight my demons. I have always referred to him as my light. I don't know what he was thinking the day he took his own life... We can only speculate his demons got the best of him, He didn't think he could live through Parkinson's, But I felt that day was a very dark one until his daughter released a statement that his time here isn't over his light lives on as long as we shine it for him. I have been reading Patrick Swayze's biography written by him and read by him and it makes me hunger to wish that Robin would have written a book before he passed but that is selfish of me that maybe he wasn't ready to write of his demons as Patrick felt cathartic doing so... No I didn't personally know Robin but I haven't mourned so much for someone that isn't my first husband, or parent, or grand parent as I have for Robin. I still cry for the loss like right now. All we can do is enjoy the work we do have, Cherish the imprint he has left on our hearts and let his light shine through us to others. Lets not forget Suicide Prevention is real 1 (800) 273-8255... Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Its letting the demons win. Prayers for Zelda, Cody and Zak on this day. Oh captain, my captain! Robin I got this I will be the lighthouse now... you rest in peace.

Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time¹

^{You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point?} 

I'll wait, I'll wait

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Little do you know

I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

Little do you know

I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies ¹

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait

I love you like I've never felt the pain,

Just wait

I love you like I've never been afraid,

Just wait

Our love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)

I love you like you've never felt the pain,

I'll wait (I'll wait)

I promise you don't have to be afraid,

I'll wait

The love is here and here to stay

So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies

---

1 FOOTNOTE^{↩ Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra} 

 

Dear Mr President

Hands Held High by Linkin Park

Fashion Camp

Head on over to my American Girl doll blog to read about my daughters day becoming a Fashionista, Learning how to model and design a great wardrobe... Click here

Project Pay It Forward

I grew up with family friends that we've remained so close that the word friendship is so lame we are family. true and true.. I've lived with them at times of my life and I have known them since I was old enough to walk probably. Before I was born my "adopted" brother was friends with their parents so we are truly like family.

My "cousin" Trevia posted on Facebook today:
     What does "pay it forward" mean to you? Not just going out of your way to do something nice, but doing it without expectations..... Do something nice for a stranger unless you know of someone in need... God, family, friends , and everyone else.... I'm paying it forward in my own way.... what have you done lately? I wanna know....

My response was its more of how I live my life not just something I do.I don't plan Pay it Forwards I just do them as the opportunity arises and when the spirit hits me. I live my life thinking Maybe She's an Angel.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLH9-TWGZMg I've been inspired many times in my life by the earth angels I encounter. Homeless people giving me rent money, Free rides from Cab drivers when I was pregnant and had to walk home from work, People that have friended me, inspired me and loved me through my hardest times. I have spent some time in a battered women's shelter and have been homeless with a baby on my knee so my heart really goes out to homeless even before I ended up in the situation. Between homeless and animals... (I would go adopt every dog and cat at the pound if I could take care of them properly).  For the last couple of years.. I have used book bags I have gotten as promo gifts or the ones my kids didn't want anymore and put an inexpensive blanket in there, maybe some snacks, a little cash, and perhaps the free shampoo from hotels and whatever else I have on hand (extra gloves?) and if I encounter a homeless person I hand them the bag. I don't think to myself I am giving this guy $5-$10 cash what if he blows it on Alcohol or drugs? Who cares its not for me to judge its between him and his maker right? I wanted to start a charity to rescue Cabbage Patch Kids and Build a Bears from Yard Sales, Thrift Stores, and Flea Markets and rehome them with needy children or for the Police and Fire Departments when they respond to a call. My friend Danielle S did something a few years ago that inspired me she did a Pay it Forward project where she did something nice for someone every day leading up to her 30th birthday so 30 days of good.. You can do it once a week till your birthday or something like that :) Well Trevia says her birthday is next week so I am going to give her 39 inexpensive ways to pay it forward

1. Put a dollar in the Redbox DVD holder so the next person that rents that DVD will get a free rental.
2. Tape change to a vending machine
3. put a small stuffed animals or diapers on a public changing table with a note for the mom
4. write on a piece of paper "You are Beautiful" and tape it to a mirror in a public bathroom
5. Pay for someone's Starbucks or meal or even their Grocieries
6. I've always wanted pay on someone's layaway
7. Rock a baby at a hospital
8. Serve food at a Homeless shelter or soup kitchen
9. pray for a stranger
10. Free Compliments take one 
11. Grab a $10 gift card then give it away..
12. Find a single mom, grandparent raising their child, and or a special needs mom and offer some respite care or cook them a meal
13. Chemo Care Packages 
14. another idea for the Homeless
15. Volunteer or  Donate to the Monkey's http://momastery.com/
16. Volunteer for a Pet Rescue or donate money
17. Give a generous tip for good service
18. Get tested to become a donor.. Donate blood
19. Help someone that you know is disabled or elderly clean their home or run their errands
20. Pay for someone's dry cleaning. 
21. praise a child even if you don't know them
22. leave extra time in a parking meter
23. visit a nursing home
24. give a freezer meal to a new mom
25. Do something nice for your parents
26. send a care package to a soldier
27. hand out water at an event
28. Tell a random parent you see that they are doing a good job
29. pick up litter
30. leave a review for someone at a business if they gave you good service
31. Leave random sticky notes with fun or kind quotes on the mirror of a public restroom
32. Leave tickets sitting around randomly at an arcade or fair or give them to a young child
33. Get a $10 gift card to Barnes and Noble or something of the like and tape it and a note to the inside of a book. "Great Choice this book is on me"
34. Let a person cut in line with a smile
35. pay for a veterans dinner
36. Leave a dollar in the dollar bins at Target or the Dollar store
37. leave coins at a laundry mat
38. Get a netflix gift card (really inexpensive) put it in a basket with some popcorn, some candy, and maybe even a gift card for order in place for dinner... alternative pack a basket with a board game (it can be travel sized) and some candy and give it to a neighbors child so they can disconnect from technology
39. have a hobby? Make something and then donate it to the needy (ie Hats for newborns at a hospital)

Wow this was harder than I thought on my time crunch!! 

Good luck and Happy Birthday Trevia 

http://www.thirtyhandmadedays.com/2013/07/random_acts_of_kindness_ideas/#_a5y_p=1963535

http://www.fridaywereinlove.com/2014/11/random-acts-of-kindness-date-night.html

Check out these groups

https://www.facebook.com/groups/520756061358921/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/283992435118142/

Happy 15th Birthday to my little man

15 years seem to have slipped through my fingers like water passes through. A lot of years I am going to have to answer to for my decisions. I am going to have to ask you to forgive a lot of choices that I made and know that my love is sincere and true. First lets go back to 15 years ago (I still remember it like it was yesterday) at 3:30 AM a familiar face was with your old mom then your Aunt Jennifer and your dad the day and time you were born. A few nights before that day we were living about an hour in the town where you were supposed to be born. The town your dad grew up in. We were living in the town I grew up in and we were going to make the hours drive if I went into labor to have you at Kennestone. Your cousin Matthew who was born a week before you was in that very hospital as well in the NICU still fighting. I started to have pretty bad pain one night so I went to the local hospital in Riverdale to get checked and I fought off the doctors trying to give me medications. I didn't want my tiny angel to be stuffed full of drugs. By morning the labor pains had fallen off and the doctors had given me something to help me sleep promising me if I went into labor I would need all the sleep to be able to labor through it. Well the next few days I had an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor and he did an ultrasound to check on you and I could barely stand the pain so we decided to go ahead in the hospital. I labored and they tried Pitocin and the contractions were right on top of each other so they had to turn that off. I slept for about 6 more hours until I woke up and felt like I was being cut in half. Your dad begged me to get the epidural and so I gave in and then slept for another 6 hours not feeling anything. I was woken up by a midwife or a nurse and she went to check me and noticed my water had broke and you were ready to come into this world. They woke your dad and Aunt Jennifer up and your dad had a bad seizure. They kept asking him to go to the ER but he wasn't going to leave us. He pushed Jennifer over to hold my hand and I wanted her to make sure your dad wasn't going to hurt himself. You were ready for this world...6 pushes and about 30 minutes later your daddy's dream to have a little boy came true. You weighed about 7 lbs but looked like you had fat rolls so the nurses all called you Big Mack. You felt heavier than the 7 lbs they said you were. We had already decided your name would be Mackenzie Taylor... it was your dad's idea and not sure where he got Mackenzie from except a dream. A dream where he thought you would be born at the end of May or beginning of June. You were not due till my adopted moms birthday June 11th. I guess he liked Mackenzie because at that time it was a real unisex name so if you were a girl it would have been the same name Mackenzie Taylor Rose... Taylor after your god father your dads best friend Berry Truelove. Taylor was his middle name. Berry was truly the best friend your dad had ever had and I hope he is there for you now. I slept most of the first days of your life and thankful that you were just here, healthy and mine. I was in awe of you. I remember your grandfather Robert coming to visit you vaguely and probably your Aunt Cherish would come check on you when she was watching over Matthew. I think after your grandfather Robert came to visit you we decided to give you a second middle name to name you after him as well. He meant a lot to your dad and I. You were so loved. After we were released from the hospital it was home for the hour drive to feed the animals then a long drive to your great grandparents house (Grand Daddy and Mawmaw I believe they were called) for their anniversary. I believe it was their 50th. That day you always met your great great grandmother and boy did she fall in love with you. I remember her fondly. On this 15th birthday of yours you are very much thought of and very much still loved in my home with your brothers and sister. Your sister looks like you I am told often. I realize how much time has passed and how short time is left. As always on your birthday I want you to call you and just say Happy Birthday. Perhaps one day you can give me a call too!

Feeling the pain. Running from the pain

I have been through a lot. More than you the reader could know or that I let spill out. I say I am an open book but there is a need to keep some pain private...

I guess no one's book is truly open.

Funny thing is this week I have a lot of confrontation with the pain...

I am sure you've heard that Grey's Anatomy is the hot topic for the last few weeks. I have barely missed an episode in 11 seasons... I think in total less than 5. The show can get me wound up but I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as the last episode... Don't worry no spoilers here...

but a quote does stand out....

Owen to Amelia..
All the stuff you're managing your not supposed to be managing it.
Your Supposed to be feeling it grief loss pain it is normal.

instead of moving through the pain you're running from it.
instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.

We are supposed to feel... love, hate, hurt, grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human.
That's being alive
That's the point...

and I watched the Lifetime movie about the Cleveland Abduction so I decided to also read one of the survivors books.. I will get to the other books soon. There are a lot of parallels in my life with Michelle Knight. I don't want to pretend I had even endured the same kind of pain she endured before she was kidnapped or that of while she was held by Ariel Castro. But there is a lot of parallel... many more quotes stood out to me...

Here is one...In order to get past something terrible you have to walk through the pain not around it. It might be messy, it might make you sob but if you let yourself cry long enough you reach the bottom of your tears. I haven't reached the bottom yet, but I know someday I will. ~ Michelle Knight.

Years ago I used to run... I ran a lot. If I felt like things were caving in, or I was beginning to slip, or a person was getting ready to leave like the others I ran. When I decided I wasn't going to put Skylar up for adoption. When Adam had told me not to... I made a promise to her that she would always be able to depend on ONLY me... That I would take care of her... that I wouldn't run... I haven't ran since... I still have the fight or flight thing and the instinct is there to run... run fast as hell for the hills... save yourself from the pain but I fight it and stuff it down. I try to fix the problem that is making me run and if I can't fix it I let God deal with it. When you fight.... even when you slip, fall, or get destroyed it just makes you stronger and faithful... If you run your problems just grow and will end up destroying you anyways. At least feeling pain is being alive... covering the pain is the easy way out.