Hamsters

At times I’m stuck in my own head. My best friend calls these hamsters. Since going through this depression I’ve dealt with heavy self doubt, internal conflict, and low self esteem. When I had to end a friendship with someone whom I’ve been friends with 24 years that he said he’d love me unconditionally. We are family. I never thought there would be a day he’s not by my side but I reached that time. So if that is not what I thought it’s hard for me to trust anything else. I don’t even trust my judgement. He even told me a few years ago he didn’t think I had very good judgment about certain things. I guess that’s a nagging thought in my head. There was a debate between a few people if you would want to know where you stand with people. There are times I wish I did. I could see how that could go wrong. Then there are times I wish I knew someone’s internal dialog. I wish I could still openly trust people without question. I wish I could FEEL unconditional love and know it’s true. Maybe after the years of my childhood being bullied I’m naturally guarded but I wonder if people talk behind my back. It makes me uncomfortable. I hate to sound crazy maybe sometimes I feel that they’ve not included me in some way that I should be included in. I wonder if people ever defend me when I’m not around I had a friend years ago, I’d always come to her defense but she did anything but behind my back. I asked my teen daughter if her friends liked me and she said yes except once someone said something bad about me and she said she defended her and really wanted to punch them in the throat. This touched me  so much. I wonder who listens or starts gossip about me and who defends me because I want those people to be my people. I wonder how I exist in other people’s lives. How many times do I cross your mind? Do I make you smile? Make you sad or angry? Do you share a memory of me with someone like you share memories of other people with me? I wonder if I still exist in people’s minds that I’m not in their lives anymore? Do you hear a song and think of me? Touch an object and think of me? See my face in a crowd? Wonder what I’ve been up to? Pray for me? Especially with a small group of people including Mackenzie. Does he miss me? Is he angry? Perhaps with the depression I struggle to see my importance in your life so I wonder how I exist in it.